The Abuse Excuse or The Excuse Abuse.. you decide

A handful of you may know the title of this blog but a great deal of you, more than likely, do not. So let me give you a little back story before I get to the point. When I was at South Suburban I have a very odd creative writing teacher who brought out an interesting and rather dark side in me. I wrote a short story/ poem called The Abuse Excuse. The poem was about a very troubled relationship. The woman was trying to walk away from a man who mentally and physically abused her. You never heard her speak, all you heard were his words. You heard him telling her that she couldn't leave, that there was still a relationship, that she was his, that she still loved him, that it was her fault that he hit her, in the end when he killed her it was her fault and it was her fault that there was such a mess. All she had to do was say she loved him all she had to do was say she would stay.

The point of all that is that so many excuses were made for his actions and reactions. He didn't take responsibility for the things he did. He blamed others. He blamed situations. He abused her and made excuses for it and he had excuses and abused his ability to make them.

I have had a million excuses lately. A million. I have abused my "right" to have or to use an excuse. Sometimes excuse and reason get foggy to me. A child up sick all night, reason or excuse? Neither here nor their.

This is why I am here this is what I need to talk about. My weight. I put a few pounds back on. When I was preparing to wright this I had a million excuses lined up. Easter candy, lack of sleep, rain, depression, movies...etc. Truth of the matter. I haven't been trying and I haven't been trying in a while. I have been lazy and hopeful. I haven't been journeying I have been sitting and whining. I have been making excuses and abusing my body. I am the man in the poem. I have mentally and physically beaten myself. I do not love myself enough to break the cycle of abuse. I do not believe in myself enough to stand up and say this is enough, you cant do this to me anymore.

I need an intervention and a re-invention. So I have to let go of a few things I have been using as an excuse for a while now.

1. 1) I keep saying I don't like to have an exercise routine. I have complained and griped and made excuses about that left and right. I say I can lose the weight just by going out and enjoying life. But it is obvious that without it I am stuck in a rut. So starting today I will have an exercise routine. 

1. 2) Those who know me well know that breakfast and lunch are hard for me. I know that eat those two meals every day. But I hate eating in the morning and lunch confuses me some days. I just never know what to eat. I know people eat lunch but what?

1. 3) I must remember to take my meds with my meals. It really isn't an option anymore.

I think that is a good amount for right now. It is a place to start. I need to be honest with myself. Some days that is harder than it might seem. So there might be some smaller blog updates through out the weeks just to keep me honest. I might not post those so if you happen to hop on here and look through and see them sweet.

 I also changed the comment settings so it should be easier to leave comments on here. I love comments. They make me feel special and loved so keep them rolling in.

OK time for a little prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the gift of your Son, Jesus Christ. He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!!! I am so blessed to have such a wonderful group of people surrounding me. People who have stuck by me through this, who have nudged me when I needed nudging, but have never judged me and have never abused me. Please God, be with those who are lost in relationship that are abusive. Whether it be with someone in their lives or something in their lives. Help them to find a way out of that abusive relationship and into your arms. It is probably one of the hardest things we will ever do but we need to stop making the excuses and walk away. Thank you God for loving me. Amen

I go out walking.... and I lost (look inside to see how much)

Mother Nature you are a tease. You dangle those nice days of sunshine and light breezes in my face and you make me want for more and then you laugh at me and give me over cast with drizzle and snow! Snow?! Really!!! I thought we had this talk already. But that's okay. Because this week, I lost two pounds and there is nothing your over cast snow rain drizzle can do about that!! Yes, My friends, I lost 2 pounds. I know 1 off it is part of the yo yo. 1 is not so I am as o this point 1 pound away from 20 pounds lost! I am so close I can almost feel it.

I have a feeling that this....

 And this

 And this

 

helped me to feel that close too. I know I have been saying it a lot but there is something to be said for fresh air and sunshine.  Monday I walked down the street to an old abandon house that is set back in the woods and took some pics back there. Tuesday I worked and I walked my butt off.

Wednesday I spent over two hours hiking in the dunes with Becky at West Beach. It was great. I stretched my muscles, got a little sun-burnt and took a lot of pics and I got a lot of exercise. Then Thursday I worked for 5 hours high tailing it with the horses. By Friday I was tired. Just tired. But I felt good. I felt great. I felt like God was with me. He was with me everywhere.

My eating could have been better. Don't get me wrong I am by no means a food goddess yet. But I was alright. I sure did drink a lot of water. I love my Crystal lite flavored waters. I have been drinking a lot of water. I still struggle to get my 3 square meals a day in. I still struggle to get all my meds in. But I try.

Well I had a pretty good dinner and I am tired. I wanted to say a little prayer and get ready to call it a night. It is going to be a busy week so if you don't hear from me on Sunday I should be here on Monday.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the time we get to spend with our families. For the songs we sing that remind us of those who are gone and the songs we sing that remind us of those who are preparing to go home. Please help us to know how to sing them. Thank you for your Son. For the sacrifices he made for us. Thank you for this body, I have beaten and abused it. I have treated it badly but you have given it another day to get up and sing your praises. I am far from perfect father. I snap when I am angry, I blame others when I am wrong or ashamed. I have denied you, more often than I can recall. But I am trying God. And I know I have gotten better. I bite my tongue when I want to spit words of anger and I own my own guilt and admit my own shame and when I am asked if I am a Christian I say I am. How can I deny you after all you have given for me?

Fruit of our labor

I am loving this weather. The birds are out the sun is shining. The shorts showed of my pearly white thighs and my tank top showed of my lack of muscles in my arms. But it is all good. This year there will be some muscle toning. As you may have noticed I am not a conventional exerciser. I don't like following a planned work out and I hate videos. I cant afford a trainer or a gym membership so I do it here. Saturday I did it in my yard. That is my favorite form of exercise. I love working in my yard. Feeling the moist cool earth between my fingers. I don't like to wear gloves. I like to feel it under my nails. I don't mind dirt on my skin. I like the feel of the sun on my back and my shoulders stretching and tightening as I work. I feel accomplished. When I see things grow, when I can eat what I have planted or see the beauty of the flowers that I grew from seed and weeded and watered and loved, well I feel pride.

Last year my relationship with God bloomed along with my love for the great outdoors. I talked to him. I sang to him. I whispered his name. When I was overwhelmed or struggling I opened my heart and my mind and I listened. Last year I lost a lot of weight. I lost 20 pounds. Problem is when the winter rolled around I gained it all back again. I don't want to do that again. This year I want to lose the weight and keep it off. I want to take pride in the food that I grow and the flowers I tend and the body I nurture. So here it is.....

I started walking. Not far. But I walked to an old abandon house to take some pictures. I took a water with me and my camera and I walked. Then when Lex went to therapy I walked to the bank and back. Then I walked around the yard. Tomorrow I have to work and that is a lot of walking too. But when I get home I have yard work I need to do and I cant wait. I am almost giddy with excitement for it. Great thing here. Dave fixed my bike. I should see after dinner how long it takes to ride my bike to work but that's a lot of riding to do in 24 hours and I don't want to wear myself out. I am excited and there is so much to do and I want to do it all right now.

I cant wait for my tomatoes and cucumbers and peppers to grow. I am drooling for the sweet corn that I have planted in rows.

I noticed that this has kind of rambled and gone of the beaten path and that's OK today. I cant seem to get it together. I'm OK with that because the sun is calling my name and I need to get out there and enjoy it.

So I am going to end this with a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. For the sun that is shining and warming our skin. Thank you for the beauty of spring. Thank you for giving me the ability to work hard. To plant the seeds of hope and love. To plant the seeds that will feed my family and my friends. I will not starve with you in my life. Please God continue to walk with me on this journey. Please hold me up when I feel I am going under. When I am being tempted to turn away from you please help me to keep my way. In your name I pray. Amen

Good Morning Beautiful

It is a beautiful day! The sun is shining the weather is nice and I am in a very good mood. I woke up this morning and I said get out of bed. Take your meds and get in gear. And I did!! This is going to be somewhat short because there is a winters worth of yard work to do and I need to get as much done before 1:30.

I'm going on a trail ride today. It is amazing how much energy it takes to go out there on a horse for an hour. There is a lot of muscle work that goes into riding a horse and I cant tell you how much I love doing it.  I think I am going to bring my camera, but who knows if I will be able to use it seeing that I am the tail end of the trail guide. Meaning I am on poop patrol. Another form of exercise, seeing as if a horse poops I have to get off the horse and clean up the poop then get back on.

After all this the kids and I are going bowling for a friends birthday party. Bowling is another form of exercise that I truly do enjoy. So today is going to be a day of fun fun fun exercise.

The kids are on spring break this week. So we will see how the week goes. I might have to run away from home, but once again exercise because I will be running. Dave is supposed to be fixing my bike so maybe I will be able to take the kids out on a few trails. I am an excised mom

So lets take sometime for a little prayer before I get out and enjoy the beautiful day.

Dear God, Thank you for today. For the warm sun the will warm my face, and will fill my heart and soul with springtime energy. Thank you for seeing me through the hard times of winter. I will do my best to take this day and live it as you want me to. To spread your word. Thank you for a sound body and for the ability to get out there and stretch my muscles and enjoy life. Please be with me Lord when I feel I am at my wits end with my kids this next week. I know I will be stressed at some points, but I know if I turn to you I will be able to survive. Please watch over those who are suffering. Guide those who are lost and remind those who feel you are not there that you are and that you love them. Amen