I lied

I got on the scale and realized I have gained back ten pounds. 10 pounds!! I don't know when it started, but I gained 10 back. I feel like such a liar, a fake. Not only do I feel like I haven't been giving my whole heart here but I haven't been giving my whole heart to my weight loss. I want to be thin, I want to be healthy, I want to feel better in my own skin, but I haven't been willing to walk away from the food and put my health first. I want to be positive, but I get so negative. Weight Loss is not something that happens over night! I get it, I do. But I have been lying to myself and I know it and the lies have their own weight. Lie after lie, even if by omission is a lie and they all carry a heavy emotional toll.

Old habits are hard to break. When I am alone at night and everyone is sound asleep I found that I eat. I eat when I am lonely, bored, sad! I eat when I am hungry and when I am not. I eat a lot when I am not hungry. Its so mindless. So easy. Then I always promise that I will exercise, or eat better the next day. But I don't. Every ounce that I gained back I promised myself I will do better tomorrow. Tomorrow ! Tomorrow!!! Funny thing is tomorrow never comes.

Yes I am having a pity party. But I am also facing a fact. I am out of control again. I looked at pictures of myself and I was dumbfounded. In my own head I am not that fat. But the reality hits when I see the pics and say what happened? Chinese and hamburgers and pizza happened. Oreos and ice cream and birthday cake and pie, they all happened.

I have made promises and I have broken them, so I make no promises to anyone today. All I can do is remember that I am not on a diet, I am trying not to die yet.

Unlike me there are some people who are kicking butt. Those people would be my Walking buddies. Micci is my lead walker this week. She put in 30 miles. She spent 10 hours shopping on Friday. We have talked a total of 1659 miles. We are in San Esteban, Mexico part of the Altamira Municipality. We are 1372 miles from Cancun.

Well it is time for a prayer and then off to think.

Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for friends and family who accept me and love me and who encourage me to be better. Thank You for giving me the chance to talk about this and other freedoms I so greatly enjoy. God, please be with the Morse's as they say good-bye to Dorie, the matriarch of the family. This is a hard time for them all and they need your comfort. In your name we pray. Amen

Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart...

GIVE THANKS
WITH A GRATEFUL HEART
GIVE THANKS
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON

AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY
I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH
BECAUSE OF WHAT
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...

How beautiful. This is one of my favorite hymns at church. It sticks with you. I have been singing it for 2 weeks since we sang it last in church. So it has me thinking. That's what I need to do, Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart! I need to give Thanks to God, to Jesus.  I noticed before I was doing better and losing more weight when I was actively studying my bible and going to church. 


I love these words. GIVE THANKS! So I am. I have so much to be thankful for. I am going to give thanks for them here.


I give Thanks for

• my family. For my husband who deals with me even at my craziest. For my kids who accept me and aren't embarrassed by me.  I am thankful that they love me unconditionally.
• my mom and dad. For my sisters and my nieces. For my grandparents. I am so thankful that they are here another year for me.
• Dave's family and my nieces and nephews there.
• my doctor, who finally listened and sent me to see someone who is helping me to find the answers to my pain.
• the church. For my friends there. For the love of God and the guidance my Shepard has given me.

GIVE THANKS
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON

• Thank You god for loving me. For blessing me. For protecting me. Thank you for the gift of your son!

 AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY
I AM STRONG  
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH

I am thankful for

• the treatment I am receiving  from my new doctors.
• my Aunt Di. Who has been taking care of my Grandma Kelly and Grandpa Don. I am so thankful to have such loving people in my life.
• my friends. They make me rich with their companionship and love.

BECAUSE OF WHAT
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...

How could I not be thankful for the gift of his only child? He loves me, us, so much that he gave his only child to die for me. I don't know that I am that strong. I don't know that I could sacrifice my children. But he did.

 Today I give thanks to these people. God, Jesus, Dave, Alexis, Austin, my mom and dad. Micci, Dana, Tim, Kevin, Taylor, Payton, Kaylee, Kristen, Grandma Kelly, Grandpa Don, Aunt Di, Uncle Marlin, Chris, Nick, Tracy, John, John, Nikki, Meagan, Dakota, Erica, Dave, Lauren, Joyce, Jim, Sandee, Pastor Wahl, Shirley, Michelle, Jihan, Aidan, Tracy, Claudia, Mr. Dudeck, Denise, Robert, Matthew, Tylor, Gertie, Levi, Jeanie, Jenny, Jason, Becky, Tim, Michelle, Nathan, Zack, Becky, Edd, Erik, Jessie, Jill Y., Jill G., Strawberry Dave, Stephanie, Jamie,  Brenda, Stephanie, Jon, Jim, Mike, Natalie, Dr. Scully and Joy. 

I know there are so many more. I am sorry if I missed you. I love you all and I am so thankful for you.


I am thankful for my walking buddies. We have made it 1506 miles. We are now in San Fernando, Mexico. If it wasn't for you guys I would have never made it out of Illinois, let alone out of the country.




I am thankful for the soldiers who risk their lives so I can sit here in my dining room writing this blog.  And for the freedom for others to read this.


I am thankful for all of you who read this. You aren't many, but I appreciate the fact that you come back here every week to read it.

GIVE THANKS
WITH A GRATEFUL HEART
GIVE THANKS
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON

AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY
I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH
BECAUSE OF WHAT
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...

Dear God, I'm scared...

Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for loving me. I am struggling right now God. I am trying not to let the "possible" diagnosis get to me. I am trying not to over analyze. I am trying not to.....

I am trying not to think about a future where I have Alzheimer's. I am trying not to think about how much I would miss. I am trying not to cry, but it isn't always easy, God. It isn't always easy. I have been eating almost 2 to 3 times more food since I saw the doctor. I have made excuses and "reasoned" with myself, promising to work out later.  But I fail, not I will be honest I have no intentions. I am saying these things to make myself feel better. I say a lot to make myself feel better. I joke because if I don't I think I will lose my mind, I didn't plan that joke. it just came too.

The Doctor told me that the twitch, adhd and ocd may all be part of Tourettes. But what am I supposed to do with that, God? What am I suppose to do with any of this. I am angry and I am sad and I don't get why! Why can't I have a normal life? Why is it every time I turn around I feel like I am falling apart. I'm so tired of this. I want a normal mind, I want a normal brain, God! I'm tired of labels and meds. I am tired of Dr.'s and tests. I want to wake up and feel OK like everyone else. Why is that so hard? Is that to much to ask? What did I do to even be thinking about Alzheimer's at the age of 35?

I know that it isn't personal. I know that you didn't look at me and say I was bad. But I can't help but wonder what I did that my whole life feels like a roller coaster of emotional and mental issues that I wouldn't put on anyone.

I know I have a wonderful family. I know I am blessed with great friends. I try to convince myself not to get worried about it because there is nothing i can do. My next Dr. appointment is in January. So far away. There is nothing that I can do between now and then. Nothing other than remind myself that food is not the answer. Why couldn't I be one of those people who exercises to relieve stress? Who knows maybe if I do have Alzheimer's I will forget that I hate to clean and exercise. Than Dave can have a clean house, even if it means coming home to a stranger every day.

I am terrified, God, I am scared! I want to scream and run and fight and kick. I want my mom.

I know tomorrow I will be OK, God. I will get this through my system and I will continue on. I just need to hold it together.

Dear God, Thank you for today!