I lied

I got on the scale and realized I have gained back ten pounds. 10 pounds!! I don't know when it started, but I gained 10 back. I feel like such a liar, a fake. Not only do I feel like I haven't been giving my whole heart here but I haven't been giving my whole heart to my weight loss. I want to be thin, I want to be healthy, I want to feel better in my own skin, but I haven't been willing to walk away from the food and put my health first. I want to be positive, but I get so negative. Weight Loss is not something that happens over night! I get it, I do. But I have been lying to myself and I know it and the lies have their own weight. Lie after lie, even if by omission is a lie and they all carry a heavy emotional toll.

Old habits are hard to break. When I am alone at night and everyone is sound asleep I found that I eat. I eat when I am lonely, bored, sad! I eat when I am hungry and when I am not. I eat a lot when I am not hungry. Its so mindless. So easy. Then I always promise that I will exercise, or eat better the next day. But I don't. Every ounce that I gained back I promised myself I will do better tomorrow. Tomorrow ! Tomorrow!!! Funny thing is tomorrow never comes.

Yes I am having a pity party. But I am also facing a fact. I am out of control again. I looked at pictures of myself and I was dumbfounded. In my own head I am not that fat. But the reality hits when I see the pics and say what happened? Chinese and hamburgers and pizza happened. Oreos and ice cream and birthday cake and pie, they all happened.

I have made promises and I have broken them, so I make no promises to anyone today. All I can do is remember that I am not on a diet, I am trying not to die yet.

Unlike me there are some people who are kicking butt. Those people would be my Walking buddies. Micci is my lead walker this week. She put in 30 miles. She spent 10 hours shopping on Friday. We have talked a total of 1659 miles. We are in San Esteban, Mexico part of the Altamira Municipality. We are 1372 miles from Cancun.

Well it is time for a prayer and then off to think.

Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for friends and family who accept me and love me and who encourage me to be better. Thank You for giving me the chance to talk about this and other freedoms I so greatly enjoy. God, please be with the Morse's as they say good-bye to Dorie, the matriarch of the family. This is a hard time for them all and they need your comfort. In your name we pray. Amen