Compliments are not something I take well. So I always feel a little shy ad a little guilty when I get them. Not that you can tell with me. For some reason when I get a compliment I feel the need to thank and then explain things. Why can't I just say "Thank You" and go with that?
This morning at church I had a few people tell me how great I have been looking. In my head I did a double check. Where they talking to me? Good work? Where? They can't possibly be talking to me. But they are. Part of the problem is that I can't see what they see. I see who I was a week or a month or a year ago. I see numbers on a scale that don't make me happy. I see bad skin and frizzy hair and bags under my eyes. But I guess other people see something more. They see something I wish I could see in me.
I know I will eventually see a change. But I don't think it is the physical me that needs to change. I think the spiritual me and the insecure me and the lost me all need to change. I think I need to get back to basics. But it is SO hard.
I had a conversation in the bathroom with Dave this morning. I was showering and he was just talking to me. (Personally, I like these conversations sometimes because then I don't have to look him in the eyes. That or if it is flipped and hes in the shower I can just walk away.) I told him that I don't really like food. I just like to eat when I am bored and that I don't even like the crap I eat. I told him I can't even stop myself when the little voice in my head says STOP! He told me that I needed to change the voice inside my head. Instead of saying stop make it say something productive. Like instead of food, clean so I can have an area where I can do my crafts. I am thinking about doing cross stitch again. Can't have dirty fingers when doing that. Plus they make nice presents.
No matter what it is I choose to do with my idle hands I know that it will be hard. I know that I really have got to want this and I am going to. I just need to remind myself that I am worth it.
Well it is time for a prayer and then I am out.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank You for one more Halloween party with my Grandma Kelly. Thank You for my family. For the traditions. Thank You for loving me. God, please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they struggle with their health and please be with my Aunt Di. I know she needs your strength and guidance for the rough times ahead. In Your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Red Dress p.3
I am going to say it from the beginning. I did not want to do this this week or last for that matter. But I have to confess. I did horribly. I had a migraine for three days and I ate like crap and I actually gained 5 pounds. I was so sad I sat there and cried. Everything inside me wanted to eat all the bad foods I could get my hands on. But I refrained.
I did realize something. If I actually ate right I would be losing weight like hot cakes. I saw how much I was eating, close to three thousand calories a day. When I was working out everyday I was staying about the same weight. When I stopped working out I gained. If I worked out and ate like I was eating for one and not 10, I might be a lot closer to my goal than to this.
I am the one in purple. It was one of my favorite shirts EVER! This is what I looked like when I met my husband.
I did realize something. If I actually ate right I would be losing weight like hot cakes. I saw how much I was eating, close to three thousand calories a day. When I was working out everyday I was staying about the same weight. When I stopped working out I gained. If I worked out and ate like I was eating for one and not 10, I might be a lot closer to my goal than to this.
I am the one in purple. It was one of my favorite shirts EVER! This is what I looked like when I met my husband.
That's me on the left. There is a BIG difference there. I want to be her again. I want to be the happy rosy cheeked thin girl.
That pic is the one that started my thinking. That is what got me reflecting. That is what got me motivated and tomorrow that is the pic that is going to be sticking in my head as I push myself past my comfort zone.
Next month I will come back with results, just you wait and see.
Sorry this isn't longer but it has been a long day and I am tired.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life. Please be with my Great Auntie and her family as they grieve the loss of my Great Uncle Jim. In your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, October 7, 2012
STOP!!
This is an intervention! The voices who control my body are having an intervention for me. I want to hear what they all say. So you can listen with me.
Dear Tina, When people say you have a big heart it should only apply to how much you care for others. Not how big your actual heart is. Your weight is going to cause me to become enlarged which means I will not function properly.That is why you get out of breath and tired. The layer of fat around me can lead to hardening arteries. I love you with all our heart. I want you to live a long happy life. But you are breaking our heart. Everyone depends on us to function. Without you we lost. I am asking you today to put me first. I am asking you to hear me every time you want to eat. I am asking you to love yourself and make better choices.
Love Truly,
Your Heart
Dear Tina, You are breath taking. But no longer in the good way. You are crushing us. Strangling us. Fat is lining us literally squeezing the life out of us. We can't get enough oxygen. There is so much stuffed in here we can't fill up. We remember what it was like when you were truly breath taking. The fresh air that would fill us with life. How hard we worked to keep you biking or roller balding or just having fun. We miss those days. We are glad you quit smoking but we desperately want to get back to a time where we weren't fighting just to fill us up. Love us like you did when you were a breath taker.
With Love,
Your lungs
Dear Tina, it is getting harder to carry you around. I know that you blame a good portion of our issues on the car accident but the truth is a good portion of our problem is your weight. You are wearing us down. We weren't meant to carry this much. You will need to replaces us soon. Doctors wont operate on us because you are so over weight there are complications. We will hurt you and wear you down. We will scream in agony and prevent you from doing things you love. We want to be there for you, we want to run 5K's with you can take long bike rides with you, but if you don't take better care of us then we will be replaced and I don't know if you will do any better with them than you did with us. Please help us to carry the load.
Painfully Yours,
Your knees, hips and ankles
Dear Tina, You are poisoning us. The fat that is wrapped around our organs is releasing toxins that are poisoning us. Our risk of colon cancer increases 50% because we are so fat. It's not just colon cancer either. If we still had our girly friends you would be putting them at risk of cancer too. You already did. You are causing us to secrete hormones that can mess with your endocrine system causing hormonal imbalances. We have to much cortisol (stress hormone) and not enough endorphins (feel good hormone). Your fat is causing our friend liver to have scar tissue that can lead to cirrhosis. We love you. We want to make sure that you are functioning at peak performance. We like the natural flow of life. Please help us to keep you clean inside.
Liver Ya,
Your organs
Dear Tina, I am the last to go because I have more control than you know. I make bad choices for us. I say oh it's ok, just this once. One bite wont hurt and we will work it out at the gym. But the truth of the matter is I am saddened by what we have become. I am tired of how much we eat. I am tired of the fact I tell you we shouldn't eat it but in the end we do. Why? Because you override me when ever you can. The feel good moments can come from other places Tina, It doesn't have to be a greasy bag of chips or a nasty rib sandwich that we thought we wanted. You know if we talked more we could probably find foods that taste very good and I wouldn't get on you about how bad they are for you. Wouldn't you like that? Did you know that the fatter we get the more I think about death? Did you know that? You know we can get that feel good endorphin stuff from running or jogging. You liked running in the woods, why aren't you doing it anymore? I think we need to plan better. Work outs shouldn't be to burn all the food you ate today. Work outs should be to get you healthier. You would not believe how good we all feel when you exercise. Please make this a mind over matter thing and love us all. If you are hear for us we will be here for you.
Thinking of you,
Your Brain
Dear Tina, When people say you have a big heart it should only apply to how much you care for others. Not how big your actual heart is. Your weight is going to cause me to become enlarged which means I will not function properly.That is why you get out of breath and tired. The layer of fat around me can lead to hardening arteries. I love you with all our heart. I want you to live a long happy life. But you are breaking our heart. Everyone depends on us to function. Without you we lost. I am asking you today to put me first. I am asking you to hear me every time you want to eat. I am asking you to love yourself and make better choices.
Love Truly,
Your Heart
Dear Tina, You are breath taking. But no longer in the good way. You are crushing us. Strangling us. Fat is lining us literally squeezing the life out of us. We can't get enough oxygen. There is so much stuffed in here we can't fill up. We remember what it was like when you were truly breath taking. The fresh air that would fill us with life. How hard we worked to keep you biking or roller balding or just having fun. We miss those days. We are glad you quit smoking but we desperately want to get back to a time where we weren't fighting just to fill us up. Love us like you did when you were a breath taker.
With Love,
Your lungs
Dear Tina, it is getting harder to carry you around. I know that you blame a good portion of our issues on the car accident but the truth is a good portion of our problem is your weight. You are wearing us down. We weren't meant to carry this much. You will need to replaces us soon. Doctors wont operate on us because you are so over weight there are complications. We will hurt you and wear you down. We will scream in agony and prevent you from doing things you love. We want to be there for you, we want to run 5K's with you can take long bike rides with you, but if you don't take better care of us then we will be replaced and I don't know if you will do any better with them than you did with us. Please help us to carry the load.
Painfully Yours,
Your knees, hips and ankles
Dear Tina, You are poisoning us. The fat that is wrapped around our organs is releasing toxins that are poisoning us. Our risk of colon cancer increases 50% because we are so fat. It's not just colon cancer either. If we still had our girly friends you would be putting them at risk of cancer too. You already did. You are causing us to secrete hormones that can mess with your endocrine system causing hormonal imbalances. We have to much cortisol (stress hormone) and not enough endorphins (feel good hormone). Your fat is causing our friend liver to have scar tissue that can lead to cirrhosis. We love you. We want to make sure that you are functioning at peak performance. We like the natural flow of life. Please help us to keep you clean inside.
Liver Ya,
Your organs
Dear Tina, I am the last to go because I have more control than you know. I make bad choices for us. I say oh it's ok, just this once. One bite wont hurt and we will work it out at the gym. But the truth of the matter is I am saddened by what we have become. I am tired of how much we eat. I am tired of the fact I tell you we shouldn't eat it but in the end we do. Why? Because you override me when ever you can. The feel good moments can come from other places Tina, It doesn't have to be a greasy bag of chips or a nasty rib sandwich that we thought we wanted. You know if we talked more we could probably find foods that taste very good and I wouldn't get on you about how bad they are for you. Wouldn't you like that? Did you know that the fatter we get the more I think about death? Did you know that? You know we can get that feel good endorphin stuff from running or jogging. You liked running in the woods, why aren't you doing it anymore? I think we need to plan better. Work outs shouldn't be to burn all the food you ate today. Work outs should be to get you healthier. You would not believe how good we all feel when you exercise. Please make this a mind over matter thing and love us all. If you are hear for us we will be here for you.
Thinking of you,
Your Brain
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