Say what?

Compliments are not something I take well. So I always feel a little shy ad a little guilty when I get them. Not that you can tell with me. For some reason when I get a compliment I feel the need to thank and then explain things. Why can't I just say "Thank You" and go with that?

This morning at church I had a few people tell me how great I have been looking. In my head I did a double check. Where they talking to me? Good work? Where? They can't possibly be talking to me. But they are. Part of the problem is that I can't see what they see. I see who I was a week or a month or a year ago. I see numbers on a scale that don't make me happy. I see bad skin and frizzy hair and bags under my eyes. But I guess other people see something more. They see something I wish I could see in me.

I know I will eventually see a change. But I don't think it is the physical me that needs to change. I think the spiritual me and the insecure me and the lost me all need to change. I think I need to get back to basics. But it is SO hard.

I had a conversation in the bathroom with Dave this morning. I was showering and he was just talking to me. (Personally, I like these conversations sometimes because then I don't have to look him in the eyes. That or if it is flipped and hes in the shower I can just walk away.) I told him that I don't really like food. I just like to eat when I am bored and that I don't even like the crap I eat. I told him I can't even stop myself when the little voice in my head says STOP! He told me that I needed to change the voice inside my head. Instead of saying stop make it say something productive. Like instead of food, clean so I can have an area where I can do my crafts. I am thinking about doing cross stitch again. Can't have dirty fingers when doing that. Plus they make nice presents.

No matter what it is I choose to do with my idle hands I know that it will be hard. I know that I really have got to want this and I am going to. I just need to remind myself that I am worth it.

Well it is time for a prayer and then I am out.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank You for one more Halloween party with my Grandma Kelly. Thank You for my family. For the traditions. Thank You for loving me. God, please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they struggle with their health and please be with my Aunt Di. I know she needs your strength and guidance for the rough times ahead. In Your name we pray. Amen