Vacation

I know I blogged a few days ago but what the hell blogging again won't hurt me. I am still on vacation. It has been a week and I probably won't go home for a few more days. I have enjoyed my vacation a lot. But I miss my husband and my dog isn't speaking to me.

This vacation has been more than I expected it to be when we set off. I showed my kids a little piece of American history when we stopped at Lincolns New Salem in Illinois. It was great to see. I had went there as a child and I wanted to share that with them.

Once we got to Missouri we swam. A lot. Indoor mini water park. Outdoor mini water park. And Clinton Lake in Kansas. Yep state 3 on our adventure. We spent a day in Kansas City,  MO. LegoLand and Sea life. I don't think I will ever go back to either but I am glad I went.

We were supposed to go to the Gateway Arch but online they said the wait to get in was always at least an hour long. So we shot up to Does Moines, IA. We went to the Science Center of Iowa. I was expecting something like the Museum of Science and Industry. But it was nothing like that. Personally I think I overpaid. But whatever The kids had fun. It was definitely kid oriented. My favorite part was the night sky on the dome. I loved that experience when I saw it at the planetarium years ago and was so happy to give them that. Next was Iowa 80. The worlds biggest truck stop. Pretty cool. Now here I sit the night falling upon me and I am feeling nostalgic.

I spent many a summer here at Woodhaven. I would walk everywhere. Swim til the pools and beach closed and fall fast asleep at days end. There was no air conditioning, no cell phones, no DVDs.  We had an old black and white TV with rabbit ears that never really got anything on it. But we were able to hear the news at night and check the weather. We had Uno and Yahtzee and Michigan Rummy. We cooked on the grill we slept on hideaways and cots in a screened in porch. We listened to music and read racy magazines that my great grandma had. I would catch and release fish and turtles and frogs and go out in the row boat on the pond our place sits on. I knew nothing of life except that Woodhaven would always be here.

Life was suntans and corn on the cob and smores after dark. My dad telling us about the constellations and then finding out years later he had no idea what he was doing. Life was good and I was happy.

I get frustrated with my kids. I have wanted to kick them out of the car daily. But I want them to have Woodhaven. When I am here it doesn't matter how old I am or what life has been sending my way I am always young here. I am happy here. I think about suntans and food on the grills. I think about bonfires and smores. I think about life and I know that it is good and that I am blessed.

Youth

I miss youth. Not necessarily my youth but youth. I miss the innocence. I miss that time before I was corrupted. Before I knew what sex was. I miss youth. I miss the body I didn't understand but believed was fat. I don't remember when I became aware of the curves I would be blessed with. I just know that at some point boys noticed. I wish I remembered a time where I felt good about myself. I think that was in my youth.

I have spent decades in therapy. Working out the demons in my head. I have cried, I have laughed, I  have bared my soul to strangers and my secrets in a blog. I figured if I put it all out there then maybe I would learn to get past it all and love myself. Then maybe if I loved myself I would be able to lose weight. I would feel that I am alright. But I don't, I have a mental block somewhere. I have this self loathing that I can't seem to escape. I thought my blog would open the world to me. But it hasn't. I have put my soul out there. It feels good to have things off my chest.  To feel like I am cleaning out the mental closet.

I am going to keep going. I'm not going to give up on myself. But I think more than weight I need to learn to love myself. If I don't do that it won't matter how much I weigh or happy I am I will never be happy in my own skin or mind.l

Berry Good

So I went to get the results of my MRI and of course couldn't find anything.  The Dr. Didn't know what it was and said that I might need to go see a podiatrist.  Grr. But until then I am going back to therapy . Well at least they know me there and I like the people and they will work with my schedule.

So I spent the weekend canning. I made pickles for the first time, 4 jars of those. Then I did 8 half pints and 2 whole pints of blueberry jam and 6 half pints and 1 whole pint of raspberry jam.

They are so good looking. I tried the jam (this is my first time making raspberry jam. I have made blackberry and strawberry and blueberry before) And it was good.  But I used all The berries so 

I have to go get more for use to eat and to freeze. Mmm berries. I am going to make salsa and spaghetti sauce this year too. I have fallen in love with canning.

Dumb phone. Keeps messing Up. I could go do this the old Fashioned way on the computer but I don't feel like moving. 

I cut grass yesterday and spent hours on my feet while canning so my foot was killing me today. I have decided that since we aren't worried so much about me breaking a bone or straining a muscle or whatever I am going to start pushing it again. I am tired of living in this body. So here we go again. Tomorrow I am back at the walking track and then the gym and then to pick blackberries. I am bringing jam on vacation with us. A gift for our hostess. 

Well Wednesday is my anniversary . 9 years with my best friend. He is a great person. He has loved me through addiction, depression, anger and loss. He has held me up and comforted me when I felt I shouldn't be loved. He has supposed me on my journey. He knows when I need encouragement and has fine tuned his approach so as not to make me upset but to make me feel empowered.  Thank you babe for 9 years of marriage. I look forward to many more.

Well a prayer and bed.

Dear God. Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and supporting me. Thank You for such loving people in my life. I am blessed to have them. In Your name we pray. Amen

Planning a Trip

I forgot it was Sunday for a while. So there for I forgot it was blog time. I don't think I will post this until Monday morning. Mostly because I don't want to have someones phone going off at midnight telling them they have a message. I don't want to be that person. I like my friends and I don't want them to not like me.

Real quick week review before I get onto this trip thing. The bone scan showed I have arthritis in my big toe. That sucks but that isn't where my pain is so we move on. Tomorrow I am going for my MRI. YAY fun. Either way there is no problem with the bone and that makes me happy. I did cry though after I got the news. I just want this over. I want to be able to do the things I want to do and I cant. So I was kind of cranky there for a while. But it is what it is and I cant change that. Both kids where home for break this week and I was going to run away from home. But considering I cant run I wouldn't have gotten far. Yada Yada is was a week. The end.

So here is the exciting thing. The kids and I are leaving in 2 weeks for Kansas City, Mo. We are going to be spending a week with old friends and the hitting the Arch and then Woodhaven. I can NOT wait. I miss Woodhaven. I might have to extend vacation by a few days. As long as Dave has food in the house I don't think he will care. The dogs on the other hand might care. They might care a lot. They get all kinds of weird when we aren't home for a few hours. I think a week will send them into a panic. Its kind of like OH No he sent them to the pound. They are never coming back. Reversal if you think about it. They are probably thinking he sent us to a different forever home lol. But I will be calling and I will tell my husband to put my dog on the phone. Oh yes I am that person. I don't want my old lady dog dying of a broken heart. Hell if Dave believed in Skype I would skype my dog. Yes I would!!!! But he wont do it so whatever. Hater.

We will be leaving early and rolling through Illinois. Our first stop is Lincolns New Salem. I am excited about this. Austin just wants to get to Kansas City. Ever thing we do on the way out there is just going to annoy him because he wants to see his friend. I think that after 5 hours in the car the kids are going to need to stop and stretch their legs and blow the stink off. This is the perfect place. See I am packing a picnic lunch so we can eat there instead of spending way to much money at McDonalds or some other crap like that. Lord I am going to try to be good while on vacation. If for no other reason than because I am on a shoe string budget.

Next is Kansas City. Well outside of Kansas City but still cool all the same. We are going to spend a day sitting my a pool and playing at a smaller but still awesome water park. Then one day we are going to Legoland and maybe, possibly the zoo. But I don't know about that yet. I have to see if I can get a coupon or something because it is a little pricey. We are going to go to a state park in Kansas one day. Then the kids are going to play video games and be dumb for a day. Then sadly our vacation will be coming to an end. We will head out through St. Louis and see the Arch. OK I am a big nerd, this really excites the hell out of me. I don't know how Lex will do she is terrified of heights. She will survive. Even if I have to put blinders on her and guide her.

Then we are going to Woodhaven. The place of wonder since I was 1. I love this place. it is a part of me. When my Gigi sells it a part of me will die. But I understand why she is doing it and I support her 100%. But we will spend 2 glorious days at Woodhaven. There is something about sitting at the pool in the middle of Corn field America that makes you feel awesome.There is almost no cell reception up there so it is nice. There are no street lights. The speed limit is 15 and the campfires start just before dusk. There are smores to be made. A trip around the lake in a row boat, stopping under the weeping willow and taking pictures, and chasing geese. There are memories a million to be made in Woodhaven and I plan to make them.

Then we go home. I am thinking that this trip might be a little longer than I had planned lol. But that is the good thing about being a stay at home mom. I get to have this time with my family. That in itself is amazing.

Well it is time for spell check, a prayer and then bed. This MRI wont come to me.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and guiding me when I feel I am struggling the most. I know that You answer my prayers. I am beginning to see it more and more in my daily life. I must remember to be humble. I struggle there. God, please help me with my food in the weeks to come. Help me to make wise choices and help Alexis make wise choices. Help me to know when to stop being kind and start being firm. Please guide us as we make our way through this crazy mixed up world. Oh and please be with my Grandpa Don. Please help to make him comfortable.

In Your name we pray. Amen