Youth

I miss youth. Not necessarily my youth but youth. I miss the innocence. I miss that time before I was corrupted. Before I knew what sex was. I miss youth. I miss the body I didn't understand but believed was fat. I don't remember when I became aware of the curves I would be blessed with. I just know that at some point boys noticed. I wish I remembered a time where I felt good about myself. I think that was in my youth.

I have spent decades in therapy. Working out the demons in my head. I have cried, I have laughed, I  have bared my soul to strangers and my secrets in a blog. I figured if I put it all out there then maybe I would learn to get past it all and love myself. Then maybe if I loved myself I would be able to lose weight. I would feel that I am alright. But I don't, I have a mental block somewhere. I have this self loathing that I can't seem to escape. I thought my blog would open the world to me. But it hasn't. I have put my soul out there. It feels good to have things off my chest.  To feel like I am cleaning out the mental closet.

I am going to keep going. I'm not going to give up on myself. But I think more than weight I need to learn to love myself. If I don't do that it won't matter how much I weigh or happy I am I will never be happy in my own skin or mind.l