Sisters

I went out last night with my sisters. The last time we went and spent the night somewhere without our kids or husbands together was in 2001, two months before 9/11. So it has been a while. I had a blast. Micci's GPS got us all kinds of lost and we found out that there are a million Starbucks in Chicago. I walked a good 3 miles easy. Well it wasn't an easy three miles for me. My sisters just breezed through. I on the other hand was struggling to keep pace. But I kept up. I never had them stop for me, even though my foot was all kinds of swollen from some stupid thing I did in the dark the night before. 

My sisters went to get Dunkin Donuts in the morning and let me sleep (Thank You!) well on the way back up to the room they stopped to look at the pool and took the last 8 floors up on foot. I hate stairs. HATE STAIRS!!! I scream. I hate how my knees hurt with each step and I hate that I cant breath after a flight and I hate the fact I would never have been able to keep up with them. So now I am challenged. Not by my sisters but by me. I am going to get better at stairs. I am going to become friends with the precor machine at the gym and I am going to tackle this bitch. Also, my sisters are training for a 10k. I am not that industrious right now. But I will start training for a 5k.

I feel so good. I have goals. I have plans. As soon as I have the money I will have a trainer. Watch out 2014! 

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my sisters. Amen

Divine Wisdom of the Toilet

Yep! That's right divine wisdom of the toilet. Now before anyone freaks out I am not going to talk about poop. I am not going to talk about toilety stuff I am going to tell you about the wisdom that only seems to come when sitting on the toilet. Those ah-ha moments that strike and you think that's it! Eureka, I have the answer to all the worlds problems I just need to remember it past washing my hands. Good Luck.

I had one of those moments. Not only in the bathroom but in the church bathroom. That is some powerful wisdom my friend. POW-ER-FUL!! This is what I thought. What if I am more than this? What if I am so afraid that no one will see me or that everyone will see me if I lose weight. What if I'm not the fat friend anymore? What if my place changes? What if I lose weight and I realize that I don't fit in the world I am in now? What if I am better than this? What if I am more than people remember? I actually kind of got excited about it.

Now the church bathroom is not the place to start laughing like a mad man. Its not the place to just sit and ponder either. Its a get up and go kind of place. So I left feeling better, a lot better :). I have a plan. Next year at the Christmas program I am not going to have to use the handicap stall because it is easier to move around in. Next year I am not going to be in yoga pants. Next year I will not have an ear infection. (I have one now and I know I had one last year about this time too.) Instead I am starting new. I am starting fresh. I am going to start with a trainer. Her name is Shannon and I think she is going to kill me, and I can't wait. I am going to be her poster child and I am going to rock this body. Just you wait and see.

I have my computer back after months so it is going to be so much easier to blog. I found that when I was telling everyone about all the crap I was eating and the things I wasn't doing I was more honest about my gains and losses and I was kind of happier too. So I am going to start this over. I am keeping the old blog name and such because I have had this for two years, but I am going to be changing things as I go. Old skin, old body, old blog. Wait and see. I know one year is a long time, but I promise when I come back here in one year I am going to be a brand spanking new person!

I will reveal more on my first blog of the new year. (That is Tina speak for I am still figuring it out.) I want all of you to be with me. I want you to be my cheering section, the voice in my ear when I want a chocolate bar or a coffee roll or an extra helping of marshmallows on my hot chocolate. In return I will share all my accomplishments. I will thank you for your help. I will reward you with happiness and love.

I remember now why I used to do this when the kids and Dave were in bed. I get through about a sentence or two before people start talking to me. But considering I am done it doesn't make much of a difference now.

PRAYER TIME. I want you to know I was singing that!

Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for your Son who came to earth to save me a poor sinner. Thank You for loving me and having faith in me even when I didn't have faith in me. Thank You for my wonderful amazing family who loves me no matter how awkward and uncomfortable I am. Please be with me as I make my way through this journey. Help me to be a better Christian, daughter, wife, mother and friend. In your name I pray. Amen

2 years

Its been a while. I know. I have been thinking a lot about what it is I have been saying and how much I wasn't doing what I should have been. Here it is I have been doing this blog for 2 years and I haven't lost a pound. I probably gained. I have made promises and I have said this is it I have hit bottom and damn at that moment in life it was true. I have hit a couple bottoms. I have made a few promises and kept some but nowhere along the way have I become what I wanted to be.

I got on the scale about an hour ago and I am so fat and miserable I thought God I wish I was dead. I wish that I didn't exist. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see anything I like. I can look at every inch of myself and find fault.  If it wasn't for the fact that I will not post nude pics I would take them and point out all the horribleness that is me. There isn't a spot on my body that I can honestly say I am happy with.

I want desperately to love myself and I want to be happy in my skin.  I want to be able to see past my flaws and accept myself. I cant.. I can't.. I just can't forgive myself and let go. I wont let myself get past anything and I cant see anything ever changing.

Im so mad at myself that I cant accept God. I cant hear him. I cant comprehend his word and I cant feel his love for me.

I hate myself. So I decides to blog about it.

Who knows tomorrow I might not loath myself. I might be happy to be alive.