Its been a while. I know. I have been thinking a lot about what it is I have been saying and how much I wasn't doing what I should have been. Here it is I have been doing this blog for 2 years and I haven't lost a pound. I probably gained. I have made promises and I have said this is it I have hit bottom and damn at that moment in life it was true. I have hit a couple bottoms. I have made a few promises and kept some but nowhere along the way have I become what I wanted to be.
I got on the scale about an hour ago and I am so fat and miserable I thought God I wish I was dead. I wish that I didn't exist. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see anything I like. I can look at every inch of myself and find fault. If it wasn't for the fact that I will not post nude pics I would take them and point out all the horribleness that is me. There isn't a spot on my body that I can honestly say I am happy with.
I want desperately to love myself and I want to be happy in my skin. I want to be able to see past my flaws and accept myself. I cant.. I can't.. I just can't forgive myself and let go. I wont let myself get past anything and I cant see anything ever changing.
Im so mad at myself that I cant accept God. I cant hear him. I cant comprehend his word and I cant feel his love for me.
I hate myself. So I decides to blog about it.
Who knows tomorrow I might not loath myself. I might be happy to be alive.
1 comment:
I can relate to what you are saying. I am living the same feelings myself. But remember that God will continue talking until we can hear him over the noise of life and self-loathing. This is just one of the many valleys we all have to walk through to get to serenity. You may not hear or see God but he is there with you, cheering you on. Love you!
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