Seasonal Affect Disorder

Definition given by The Mayo Clinic:

Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

What Seasonal Affect does to my kids:

A.J. :It depresses me because I dont want to see you depressed.

Lex: It means that you ignore me. I talk to you and talk to you and you dont listen. I have to say hey, pay attention to me.

What it means to me

It means that every year I feel like there is no hope. I feel sick all the time. Depression is a heavy load and it wears me down. This is the first year I have ever had a smartphone and it has been my constant companion. Even though I get bored with it, it is always by my side.

This has been the worst winter i have ever had to deal with in my life. There have been more cold and snow days than I can count. When I go outside it isnt for long. There are days I leave the house before the sun rises and after it sets. I have been falling apart so slowly that I didnt even realize I was broken. This is a conversation I have yearly with my family. Usually once I am aware of it I can work toward making a change.

I have been making myself go to the gym. If I dont I will stop. If I stop than all of this is for nothing. I cant keep doing this. I cant keep falling apart. Every year I think I lose something of myself. One day there will be nothing left. I cant let that happen. I will make it through this. This will be the year I not only survive but thrive.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the loving people who support me and build me up. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for helping me out of the fog. I have a long way to go, but I am on the right road. Please, God, help others like me. Help those who cant see a way out of the depression. Help them to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have wanted to give up before, but because of You I havent. Help to guide us from the darkness, I know You are the light. In Your name I pray. Amen

Treadmill Dancer

I am a treadmill dancer. I am one of those people you watch from behind, laughing and wondering if I am going to fall off. I am the girl that gets so involved with her music that you wonder what on Gods green earth she could be listening to to make her act like that. I am sure that someone has made fun of me, I am sure that someone has pointed me out and I am sure that I don't care. I have no problem dancing away on the treadmill when I am not looking at other people but talk to the camera while other people are around and I freak out. But its all good. I will just keep dancing..

That's what I have been thinking for a while. Just keep dancing. I cant dance to save my life and I know I am no better on the treadmill but, whatever, it makes me happy. I like being happy. I am happy when I dance with my nieces. I am happy when I dance in the kitchen and the kids beg me to stop and I like to dance when no one is around. I turn up my music and get a little groove going. Its not pretty. Its kind of like watching something bite an electrical cord. But it feels good and I sweat when I do it.

We are doing a destination race at Anytime Fitness. We are going to Vancouver, the sight of the last Winter Olympics. I love doing destination races. I always feel like I am more accomplished when I have a goal along the way. Between this, Zombies, Run 5k trainer and the 5ks I am picking out I have a lot of goals.

I am planning on doing Running With The Irish, Skedaddle, Necktie Run, Foot Loose 5K, maybe Blacklight Run and I definitely want to do the The Color Run. Of course most of these will be with my BFF Becky!! She is helping to motivate me. She is kicking mileage ass. I need to get my butt moving. I will never keep up if I don't get my ass on the treadmill!!!!

Also this week I am going to be using My Fitness Pal. I realized that I am not losing, no matter how much I run. So I have to track my food.

Well here's my newest vlog entry. Enjoy

Time for a prayer

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and taking care of me. Thank You for protecting me from life's many storms and for guiding me on the right pah. I know with you all things are possible. In Your name I pray. Amen