Couch to Cancun

Well we are off. I found out that Google maps offers a walking map so instead of last weeks 3092 miles we are now at 2,833 miles. 70.6 of that was walked this week by myself and my amazingly awesome Biggest Loser family. Now I have to give credit where credit is due. D. You have been bringing the miles. Most impressive!!! She has been using the elliptical and getting 6.3 miles every other day!!!. Mic and Krit have been running in the morning. Mom and Gi have been hoofing it at the track. Most of my goals have been out door related and I because of the weather I haven't been out there doing them to much. But I have been doing different things so I don't feel as guilty. I did ride my bike. I did walk. But my biggest thing and I think the thing that showed me this week how out of shape I am is when the hay truck came. I was up in the loft and the hay guy threw 125 square bale of hay up there and I had to stack them. I was by myself . It was a lot of work and I was in no shape to do it. If it was those kids that work there they could have had it done in 5 minutes. Me it took an hour.
 But I did it. I got the hay stacked. I ached like hell the rest of the day. I was slow and I tired and probably  really cranky but I did it all the same.

I have a problem here. remember I said about the manic high of shopping, the sweeping low that follows. Well today I felt the roller coaster start to plunge. That means that the car had already started to go down hill I had just now noticed that it was no longer in my control. But I knew inside it was here. The past few days I had been feeling so empty there was no amount of food that would fill the void. I was so hungry the other day I stopped eating only because there was nothing left to eat. It was like throwing rocks in the pit to see if you could hear them hitting the bottom. If I gained or lost this week I don't know. Neither one will really make a difference. Right now the only thing that will make a difference is for me to get back in a routine. A very strict routine. When I can get myself to that place. When I can get myself up at a certain time, meds, eat, exercise, work, etc, etc, then I can get myself out of the funk and back to some semblance of life. That is when I feel good and lose weight. That is when I feel like a productive member of society. But I have crashed and burned. And honestly right now, there is nothing I want more than to crawl into a cocoon and fall into a deep deep sleep. I'm very tired.

I hate the power that food holds over me. I hate that I bend so easily to it. If a good looking man stood in front of me and said he lets have an affair, Dave will never know I wouldn't do it. I love my husband, but General Tao's Chicken comes around or some fajitas or a rib eye and its like oh I can sneak this one time. Really? Is it OK to steal this car? NO! Is it OK to kill this one person? NO!!! I just hate it. I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling angry at myself. I hate feeling bottomless. I ate waking up and wondering what that taste is in my mouth and realizing that I had a p.b. and j at 2.a.m. or a half a can of tuna or a left over piece of last nights dinner. I have feeling like this. It carries over a lot lately. It carries over into everything. I have become a bitter person again. I am angry all the time. I don't like to come home. I don't like to do anything. I want to be alone. The good part is I see this now. Its only been a few weeks. It isn't a few months in. It isn't a summers worth of pissing people off. I don't even know if others have noticed. I just know that I have. So with the help of others I have talked to about this and obviously now you out there in computer land. I am getting back on my previously planned life.

So here is where I would like to say a little prayer.
Dear God Thank you for today, Thank you for getting me to church even when I didn't want to get there. Thank you for these amazing people who are here for me. Whether this is their first time on this rodeo or their tenth they know when to be the rodeo clown and they know when I am in serious trouble and they never let me get to out of control.  Please God be with and remember those who have served this country. The men and the women and their families who have served so that we can express our opinions and worship our God and speak your name. Please be with those who fight wars inside themselves.Please be with people who fight addictions and who fight on long ago battle fields against long ago enemies. And please be with people like me who fight wars inside our heads against enemies that never existed. Thank you for the rights of Holy Baptism. For the forgiveness of my sins. Please comfort the lost and suffering, there are so many.  In your name we pray. Amen

I'm going to Cancun!!! (Kinda)

And I'm walking there!!! Figuratively anyway. See, my family and I have decided that we are going to do this together. We are gonna get it together. We are going to be our own Biggest Losers. So we are walking. The "trip" to Cancun was something that I had done in Weight Watchers, except we went to Ireland. This is how it goes. You pick a a destination. (In our case Cancun) You find out the distance between your starting point (my moms) and your destination (Cancun) 3092 miles. Now You pick your beginning date. (May 23, 2011) and an end date (Sept, 16 2011). Here's where it gets interesting. You wear a pedometer and you track how much you walk, jog or run a day. If you ride your bike you can use a bike odometer or you can go online and track where you rode your bike. If you swam you can count laps. But in the end you tally them up and write them down. I collect all the numbers and keep track of them. The point is collectively for all of us to walk to Cancun by Sept 16th. If we do that than we will be having a Fiesta.

Date: Sept 16th
Place: Cancun
Celebration of Weight Independence Fiesta!!! Journey of 3092 miles and many calories, cravings, sweat and tears.

It is always so great to do things as a family. I have never been stronger than when I have my family and my faith by my side. I come from a family of strong women, and I am blessed to know that with them I am a better person. We have all made our goals. I know that if I flub or I am feeling weak all I have to do is call or text them and they will be there to give me a kick in the pants.

So lets see about this past week and then be on our way. I was a bad bad girl. But I know why and as soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped. I did it without knowing why I was doing it at first, but I ate all the fast comforting food my wallet would allow. I ate lots of hot greasy food followed by ice cream. Til I stopped and realized that there was nothing the neurologist could tell me that could be scary enough to make me want to get fatter. If nothing else everything a neurologist would say would make me want to lose weight.

I have been having a lot of different issues for a while, but my doctor heard me out and decided that there were to many things going on that needed to be addressed so he is sending me to a neurologist. I know that part of it is neuropathy. But there is other stuff going on and he wants to start with an EMG. Seeing as he used a lot of BIG medical words that I cant remember to even try to pronounce or look up I cant help here. So it makes me nervous. But after two days of salt, grease and ice cream, my bloated, uncomfortable body told me I needed to stop. And I did. But my fingers felt like over stuffed sausages and my body felt like day old raccoon carcass on the side of an old country road in the middle of July. It was not pretty!!! But I got myself together. I got my water in my hand and I walked it out and drank it down and told myself I cant let it get to me. I can learn from it, I can go on, but I cant let it beat me. So I didn't.

I saw that this blog was read twice in Germany and once in Canada!!!!!!! That is so incredibly awesome!!! I love to share this. If you think that this is something that could help someone, if you think that this is something that someone else can relate to or anything along the lines, well share the wealth. Pass it along. I love to hear from everyone. The more people read the more I feel like I am not in this alone.

Lets take a little minute to say a prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for the wonderful people who are here with me on this journey. I know we have a destination, but I am looking forward to what I learn along the way. I am so blessed to have witnessed the confirmation for Andrew, Andrew, Daniel and Nicole today. It is a beautiful thing to see young people take you as their Lord and Savior. Please God help them in their journey as you have helped me in mine. Please God continue to be with me and many others as we suffer from mental illness. Please be with the family of Brett Bukowinski an old class mate of mine who was killed this weekend in an accident. God, Please be with me as I schedule these appointment with the neurologist. Help me not to jump to the worst case scenarios and not to put the cart before the horse. In your name we pray. Amen.

Manic shopping

So my new jeans have had some positive and negative effects on my life this week. Its kind of like that pro's and con's list.

Pro                 Con

My butt looks great in my new jeans         
                                                                                I have been manic and shopping a                                                                                   lot in order to find that same "high" 

                                                                      that I got from my new jeans.

I pulled out clothes that I had put in storage

because they were to small but I liked them 

to much to give them away.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        While I have been manically 

                                                                  shopping I have been manically 

                                                                  eating too. Its kind of a hand and 

                                                                  hand thing.

I feel good!! I am Happy, I'm ready!!                                               

Its been a good week, its been a busy week. It seems all we have done this week is go go go! But I have been OK with that too. Go Go Go is OK when you are manic. It will suck when the bottom falls out and I swing low. I know some of you are like but you don't have to swing low and the bottom doesn't have to come out. Trust me I would love to stay here I would love to be go go go. But there is only so much manic someone can take. Even with the meds and all I cant always find an even playing field. This manic isn't anywhere near the mania I used to feel and the low wont be as hard or painful as the lows I have experienced in the past. But it is what it is. It is Bi Polar disorder. Living with it, eating with it. Sleeping with it, losing, gaining and maintaining weight with it all have their pros and cons. 

Mother Nature has cant make up her mind as to what she wants to do. Hot cold, freeze, rain, blah blah.... but I did decide that Lex and I needed shorts. So I took her for some new shorts on Saturday. We hit Fashion Bug. She got her shorts and was done in 5 minutes. I  on the other hand spent 30 minutes looking around. I found 2 pairs of shorts 1 pair of skinny jeans and 1 pair of jeggings ( I think that is what they were called). And this really cute shirt. I don't know what it was but it was so 80's tastic with out being gaudy or creepy I had no choice. The jean shorts were a hair tight but not uncomfortably. 4 to 5 pounds and were good, so they went to the check out pile. The Bermuda shorts, as cute as they were didn't make the grade. I was not willing to go a size bigger, so they had to stay at the store. But the surprises of the day were the skinny jeans and the jeggings. I thought I would be fighting to get into those bad boys. That it would be like when I was a kid and I would need to lay on my back to get the zipper up and I would not be able to breath. But that you stretch material. I got those bad boys up buttoned and with the length of my 80's tastic shirt I was doing alright. I showed the kids. Both of them were amazed and Austin smacked my ass. I felt awesome!!!

At this moment I would like to thank who ever it was who decided that we no longer need to wear low rider pants. I am glad we are past the point of ass crack hanging out, thong up to your arm pits, show your world to me pants. My new pants come up above my ass and I like it that way.

Well Dave just came out and informed me that it is getting late and hes right it is 12:30 in the morning. I am about a day behind on all the things I really wanted to do. But that happens some times too. Oh well. It is what it is.  I would like to take a moment to say a little prayer.

                                                                                                                                                               

Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for the great people who have supported me along the way and who will continue to support me in the future. Father, I know I ask so much of you, but I ask it not only for myself but for others. Please Father be with those who are mentally ill. Help them to fight the battlefields in their minds. Help them to find an even playing field, when they feel they can no longer keep their eyes open, when they can not take another step, another breath, embrace them. Help them to not feel shame for who they are. We are all your children. Amen

For some reason comments are not really working for people if you can not leave a comment you can send me one on facebook. Thank you :)

How does my butt look in these jeans?

The answer... awesome!!!! I got a coupon for Penney's $10 off of $10. So I decided that it was time for a new pair of jeans. All of my jeans have gotten to the point were I need to wear a belt to hold them up. Since they are all different makes, cuts, brands, whatever it is hard to say that they are All to big on me. But 90% of them are to big and that makes me happy! Now I am getting into jeans that sizes start with 1 not 2! YAY ME!!!!! Now I need to get into tops that start with 1's not 2's but considering the size of my bresticles I don't see that happening anytime soon!

Butt, yes, Butt!! My butt looks awesome in my new jeans and I was so super excited. And to make it all the better I got myself into a weight bracket I haven't seen since my little sister got married 5 years ago (I think). I finally broke into the 230's. I stayed there for a few days. But I bobbed back into the 240's for a few days. While I am not excited about being back in the 240's I am excited that I got into the 230's. I know that I can do it. I know that I am near it. I just have to keep on trying. I will reach my goal one day. By the end of May I want to be in the lower 230's.

This week hasn't been all that easy though. I have eaten poorly a few times. I missed my exercise 3 times. I let myself slide when I should have picked myself up and pushed myself harder.

I had a few to many muffins. But I was using them as an excuse. I missed a date and a promise I had made with my son and I ate to over compensate. I had DQ to celebrate the talent show with my daughter. I didn't need the popcorn shrimp basket and a medium blizzard. Yes I hadn't eaten all day but I was about to eat a bazillion calories in ice cream I didn't need the popcorn shrimp. I didn't make the wisest choicest. I could have made better choices. That is why I have been playing between the 230's and 240's.

Before my prayer I would like to say some special thank yous. I would like to thank my mom. Thank you mom for being the best mom anyone could ever ask for. I don't know how I would have ever made it this far without you. You are an amazing, gifted, kind, caring woman and I am blessed to have you as my mother. I would like to thank my Gigi and Grandma Kelly for raising some great kids. You did an amazing job. Thank you. That of course includes my aunts! I love you guys. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you to the moms on our side of the tracks. The ones who watched out for us through kitchen windows. Who knew the sound of the bell and what it meant. The moms who put a bandage on our skinned knees, called our moms when we were bad and hugged us when we cried. They knew our names and where we came from. I would like to say Happy Mothers Day to the women who bow their heads in prayer for us at church. The ones who guide us and build us up in our relationship with God. Thank you to all the teachers who have helped us reach for the stars. Who have told us we are good enough. We are worth it. Who have loved us, even when we have felt we didn't deserve.  Thank you all.

Dear God. Thank you for Today. Thank you for all the women I have mentioned above. Thank you for my children. For allowing me the opportunity to be a mother to them. I know I am still learning. But I am glad that I have them every day. God please be with those who are struggling today. The mothers whose arms are empty but hearts are aching. May their pain be eased some day. Please be with the women who long to be mothers. May their arms and bellies and hearts be filled with the love of many children. Please be with those who are missing their mothers. Those whose mothers are across town or country. And those whose mothers are no longer with them. Please be with us as we remember a strong woman who has touched our lives today. In your name we pray. Amen

My new exercise routine and the results

So as I mentioned last week I have conceded that I need an exercise routine. I need to accept the fact that I can't just do it as I feel and wing it. So I have started walking. I walk at least a mile a day. My plan was to do Walk Away The Pounds (WATP) every day except the days I worked. The reason for that is I was only doing the one mile WATP video at home because right now that is all I have. But I wear my pedometer at work and I do 3 miles in the 3 hours I am there. And that wears me out.

So my plan went something like this:

• Monday : WATP 1 mile
• Tuesday : work
• Wednesday :rest
• Thursday : work
• Friday : WATP and work in the yard seeing as it was supposed to be nice out.
• Saturday : WATP and ride my bike to work to gut a stall
• Sunday : rest

What ended up happening was very different.

• Monday : WATP
• Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday : work
• Saturday rest

While I admit I didn't stick to my plan I did get a lot of exercise in.And I am still drinking water. I thought with Lent being over I would be drowning myself in pop again. But the truth of the matter is I kind of like my water. I like my crystal light. The pink lemonade, lemonade and cherry pomegranate are yummy. So I just keep on drinking on.

I have gotten better about eating my three meals a day. But the truth of the matter is that lunch is very hard. When I am working and busy I just plain old skip it. I know its not good for me. Because when I skip lunch I skip my meds and when I skip my meds it messes with my day. I have a million excuses lined up here for you. But I am trying rather hard not to use them anymore. This week I am going to try harder. Even if it means packing a lunch.

On the flip side I have been eating some kind of breakfast and taking my morning meds. That is an accomplishment in and of itself. Normally I avoid morning food. Everything about it makes me blah. I have even gotten to the point where coffee in the morning bothers my tummy. I think it is to acidic. I used to drink a pot of it by myself. Now I barely drink a cup. My morning meds require me to eat or get sick and I don't like to be sick so I have made it a point to get something in my stomach. So in many ways I am starting the day the right way.

To recap I have made some changes this week. I have started to exercise. It may not be the routine I set out to start but it is a routine all the same. Once things at work calm down again I will have no excuses as to why I cant exercise at home. I already know I am capable of doing it. I have made a habit of eating breakfast and taking my morning meds. That is a big step in the right direction. This week I am going to work harder on eating lunch.

So here are my results for this week..... READY!!!! Are ya sure?????  Drum Roll Please!!!!!!!

I am officially at my 20 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! I have been yo yoing back and forth for so long I don't remember where I was last week or the week before. But I do remember where I started. I cant tell you how good it feels to be here. I am taking a day or two and I am smiling and then I am setting my new goals. But I think I already know what they are. Right now I just want to be proud of myself for how far I have come.

Now I want to take a moment to say a little prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the friends and family who have helped me along on this journey. Not just the weight loss journey but this journey of life. There are so many times I have felt lost but all these great people have been there for me. I am truly blessed. Thank you for the gift of your son. For the sacrifices you have made for us, for me. I never would have made it this far without you. I am often afraid of what lies ahead for me. The what ifs and the was I's. What if I get there and I wasn't good enough, or I'm not happy,I'm not thin enough, I'm not strong enough, I wasn't a good enough Christian. But I have to remember life isn't about the ending Life truly is a journey. I know that with you as my Lord and Savior I can make the journey I just have to listen . Amen