Well we are off. I found out that Google maps offers a walking map so instead of last weeks 3092 miles we are now at 2,833 miles. 70.6 of that was walked this week by myself and my amazingly awesome Biggest Loser family. Now I have to give credit where credit is due. D. You have been bringing the miles. Most impressive!!! She has been using the elliptical and getting 6.3 miles every other day!!!. Mic and Krit have been running in the morning. Mom and Gi have been hoofing it at the track. Most of my goals have been out door related and I because of the weather I haven't been out there doing them to much. But I have been doing different things so I don't feel as guilty. I did ride my bike. I did walk. But my biggest thing and I think the thing that showed me this week how out of shape I am is when the hay truck came. I was up in the loft and the hay guy threw 125 square bale of hay up there and I had to stack them. I was by myself . It was a lot of work and I was in no shape to do it. If it was those kids that work there they could have had it done in 5 minutes. Me it took an hour.
But I did it. I got the hay stacked. I ached like hell the rest of the day. I was slow and I tired and probably really cranky but I did it all the same.
I have a problem here. remember I said about the manic high of shopping, the sweeping low that follows. Well today I felt the roller coaster start to plunge. That means that the car had already started to go down hill I had just now noticed that it was no longer in my control. But I knew inside it was here. The past few days I had been feeling so empty there was no amount of food that would fill the void. I was so hungry the other day I stopped eating only because there was nothing left to eat. It was like throwing rocks in the pit to see if you could hear them hitting the bottom. If I gained or lost this week I don't know. Neither one will really make a difference. Right now the only thing that will make a difference is for me to get back in a routine. A very strict routine. When I can get myself to that place. When I can get myself up at a certain time, meds, eat, exercise, work, etc, etc, then I can get myself out of the funk and back to some semblance of life. That is when I feel good and lose weight. That is when I feel like a productive member of society. But I have crashed and burned. And honestly right now, there is nothing I want more than to crawl into a cocoon and fall into a deep deep sleep. I'm very tired.
I hate the power that food holds over me. I hate that I bend so easily to it. If a good looking man stood in front of me and said he lets have an affair, Dave will never know I wouldn't do it. I love my husband, but General Tao's Chicken comes around or some fajitas or a rib eye and its like oh I can sneak this one time. Really? Is it OK to steal this car? NO! Is it OK to kill this one person? NO!!! I just hate it. I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling angry at myself. I hate feeling bottomless. I ate waking up and wondering what that taste is in my mouth and realizing that I had a p.b. and j at 2.a.m. or a half a can of tuna or a left over piece of last nights dinner. I have feeling like this. It carries over a lot lately. It carries over into everything. I have become a bitter person again. I am angry all the time. I don't like to come home. I don't like to do anything. I want to be alone. The good part is I see this now. Its only been a few weeks. It isn't a few months in. It isn't a summers worth of pissing people off. I don't even know if others have noticed. I just know that I have. So with the help of others I have talked to about this and obviously now you out there in computer land. I am getting back on my previously planned life.
So here is where I would like to say a little prayer.
Dear God Thank you for today, Thank you for getting me to church even when I didn't want to get there. Thank you for these amazing people who are here for me. Whether this is their first time on this rodeo or their tenth they know when to be the rodeo clown and they know when I am in serious trouble and they never let me get to out of control. Please God be with and remember those who have served this country. The men and the women and their families who have served so that we can express our opinions and worship our God and speak your name. Please be with those who fight wars inside themselves.Please be with people who fight addictions and who fight on long ago battle fields against long ago enemies. And please be with people like me who fight wars inside our heads against enemies that never existed. Thank you for the rights of Holy Baptism. For the forgiveness of my sins. Please comfort the lost and suffering, there are so many. In your name we pray. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment