Dave says he loves the smell of sunshine on my skin. The smell of fresh cut grass and a long day and wind in my hair. That it's so sexy. He likes my shorts. He likes that my shirts aren't tight around the middle and he likes that I am wearing his shirts too. I like the things that he likes. These things make me happy. They make me blush. These are the things that have kept me going this week.
I have had my mood swings this week. It has been an egg shell week around here with my daughter. I never know what is going to set her off and you never know if she is going to cry a river or have a break down. When she has the smell of sunshine on her skin and the wind in her hair we usually have a pretty alright day, but if she hasn't had exercise or she hasn't done her sensory exercises you never know what may come. I think I worry a little to much about my daughters feelings.
Last week twice it got so bad I wanted to reach out and touch her. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. There was no talking her down there was no reasoning. Yelling would have done no good. The people I worked with saw her and later they commented. They weren't rude they weren't mean. But they had conversations with their parents about her behavior to find out if this kind of behavior was normal. And they talked to me about it. One of them said my mom said she was glad she had 2 boys, girls are hard to raise. All I could say was yeah, that they are. Shes a good kid, shes just having a hard time. But her hard times effect us all. I cant tell you how many times I wanted to go to the Chinese place this week. How many times I wanted to swing through Burger King and McDonald's. At one point if got so bad the anger and the pain inside from my overwhelming emotions led me down a dark path. I wanted to eat and eat and eat and cut and cut and cut. I had to fill the inside that felt so empty and cut the outside to release all the pain the was trying to push its way out! Its a vicious cycle. Instead I talked to Dave when I got home and I cried. Then I got up in the morning and I continued on with my life. That's all I can do.
Today, well today I am watching my husband and two of his buddies try to fix the push mower because once again the riding mower is broken and it is going to have to be taken in to be fixed. Which means it is probably going to be broken for a while. I just paid a lot of money for 2 of my dogs to go to the vet. But the push is good, it just means more exercise! Bonus!!!!! That is mileage.... As for our mileage in our Couch to Cancun. We are at 130 miles. I am still trying to figure out how I am doing this map thing. But as soon as I have it figured out I will tell you the cool places we have been :). Our leader is Dana with 37.85 miles followed by Mom with 25.25 and Mic in third with 21. Great job by every one. We are getting there slowly but surely.
Well I think it is time for a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the sunshine on my skin and the wind in my hair. I may not have gotten the grass cut but I for to feel it brush against my legs and that is more than some people get. So I am blessed. Thank you for my mom and her wisdom. Please help me to be patient with my daughter. I know that she is a good person and that she is so much like me and that together with your help we will get through this phase in life. Please help me to fight the urges to eat when I am overwhelmed. It will not fill the voids of confusion and frustration and cutting will not release the pressure it will only add more pain. God, please be with those who are suffering. Those whose addictions are a vise that have a grip on them they cant break free from. Those whose depression is so deep they cant see the light and those who fight with demons that disease has brought upon them. Please be with those who have lost a loved one. Joyce and Erica who have lost Nedis. Please be with me this next week as I work harder to reach new goals. In your name I pray. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment