I'm not home right now I'm outside living my life. Leave a message after the beep

I am going to start with a Cancun update....... First let me welcome an old friend. Stephanie is donating her mileage to the Cancun cause. Last week she did the Warrior Dash and she donated a total of 7.5 miles to the cause. She has also joined us weekly. So our sombreros go off to Stephanie. So our leader board looks something like this

• Dana with 101.5
• Micci with 59 
• Mom with 42.25
• Tina with 37.5
• Kristin with 32.5

 So our grand total with everyone else involved comes to 319.79 We are now officially in Chester, Missouri!!! YA That is music to my ears. I will tell you I am so proud of my sister Dana. She is doing laps around us all. My newest friend is Runkeeper.com. If you haven't heard of it. Look into it. It is awesome. you can track where you have ran or ridden your bike. You can make maps. You can do all kinds of things. Its great. do it!!! That's how we found out that Moms to church and back 1 mile!!!! church and mileage, who knew!!!!!

So I have been busy this past week. Kind of a slow busy. Like Eeyore. I take Ritalin. I know a lot of people have that 1980's stigma about it. Oh your a zombie. You drool. It destroys your brain. All the stuff that you hear parents say as to why they wont put there over hyper a.d.d kid on medication. I hate that, its just under educated people repeating a bunch of crap because they aren't willing to get off their asses and get the facts so they can give their kids a better life and a better future. Instead they will let them sit there and eat a bag of Frito's and play violent video games til their eyes pop out of their heads, they smell, their failing school, and they throw stuff at you. Then you say well I don't know what to do he doesn't listen to me. Educate yourself!!!

Rant over. Back to the beginning. I take Ritalin. It helps me focus. (Did you see my lack of focus up there. I so did not plan that rant)  It gives me energy. Not crazy ninja energy. But common everyday people energy. The kind of energy you have everyday. But right now. Well I don't have it, and I miss it. A lot. I have been rationing my Ritalin lately because I knew it was on back order. But I finally ran out. I was hoping the back order wasn't going to last this long. But they have said August now. I cant wait that long. I go to the Dr Tuesday. I have to try something new. But despite the lack of meds. I have been outside and I have been busy. My skin has smelled of sunshine and rain. It has smelled of cobwebs and hay. Dirt, sweat, tears. I have cried a lot this week. Mostly because I don't know how to deal with a thirteen year old teenage girl who is in all honesty me. I have also smelled like black powder.

Black powder? Why yes. this week we went to a Civil war Event and it was really cool. Ya know I feel like I have it tough and I hate things some days. But I go to things like this and I think about things and I go to the museums and I look at life and I am reminded just how different life is now than it was then and I tell myself how spoiled I am. The kids aren't going to like it and I am not going to tell them right now but when my contract is up I am canceling dish network and I am getting rid of the land line. I might have vonage because Dave has to have a phone line like that for work, but other than that I don't need it and it cost to much. I have so much stuff. My house and my stomach and my garage and my life is filled with stuff I don't need and it is weighing me down and I am done with it. I liked what I saw out there. I liked the simpleness of it. I liked being out there and living my life. Leave me a message, right?

Well I think it is time for a little prayer and a lot of spell check
Dear God, Thank you for today!! Thank you for the wonderful people in my life. Those who donate their mileage and those who donate their time and their efforts to see to it that the people around them are loved and taken care of. Thank you for the gift of life. For loving us and welcoming us and embracing us no matter how old we are, we are all your children. Thank you for ties that may stretch but do not break. God please look over those who are struggling. Whose bodies are week but whose minds are strong. Let them know that you have not forgotten them. Please comfort those who ache, those who struggle to conceive, and those who are recovering, sometimes their pain cant be spoken. Please be with those whose battlefields are in their heads, those who fight depression, addiction, disease. We thank you God for all you have done. We love you with our whole hearts. In your name we pray. Amen

I know I said before about comments being sent to e-mail or facebook well I fixed the problems here so you should be able to post them here and I would really like comments here. Please :)

Happy Fathers Day and I lost!!!!!!!!

Some people grow up with fathers who are never there, some with fathers who abuse them, or ignore them, some with fathers who are to hard on them, or are to soft and offer their kids no kind of support at all. I grew up with a father, a Dad, who is wise, and understanding, he will stand his ground and when needed he will bend. He is a rock, he is a friend. He is a book of knowledge. He is Abba and no I don't mean the band. He is my dad and my friend and one of the most spiritual men I know and I am blessed to have him in my life. Happy Fathers Day Dad.

I lost this week. I'm not really sure how I did it but I did. I lost. I lost 1 pound. But that my friends is a loss and I'll take it. Oh I know. Coffee. I stopped drinking coffee. I'm one of those people who puts in a ton of sugar and creamer so that it looks more like beige then a dark coffee. Well for some reason I just haven't been wanting it lately. I think its the fact that the acidity of it makes my stomach ache for hours and it leaves a nasty taste in my throat. Or it makes me go to the bathroom. But who knows. But this week I've had two cups of coffee. I probably could have lost more but I took Austin out to lunch and we had Burger King and today we had Popeyes. Oh and when Lexi had her HPV shot we went to Fuzzywigs and I got chocolate covered espresso beans (OMG) theres my coffee!! But at the end of the week. I lost 1 pound and I am back in the 230's. This time I plan to stay.

I had the week from hell last week and instead of telling you all the long drawn out details I am choosing to tell you that tomorrow I am going to go to the beach. I am going to go past the neurologist office sign some paperwork and have them fax it to the new neurologist. I am going to go past the post office and send out insurance paperwork (from the horrible week) and then I am going to go sit on the beach and I am going to soak in the the sun. I am going to walk up and down the beach. I might climb up the dunes and take a few pictures. For a few hours I am going to feel the sand in my toes and the freezing cold water bring me to life. I am going to let the sun refresh my skin. I need it. I need it so badly.

Tomorrow I am going to start my day a different way than I have been lately. I am going to start it with a walk with my favorite old dog. I don't care if we go walking and I'm in a tank top and ratty old jogging pants or a pajama pants. The point is were walking. Tators and I can use it. Ever since they started her on this medicine shes gotten her spunk back and shes more like a dog and not a three legged turtle. I cant wait to go waling with her.

CANCUN!!!!
We are currently 275 miles from home in a little town called Stone Church. The interesting part is that we are not far from what is originally the first capital of Illinois which is Kaskaskia. Little tid bit of Kaskaskia. It is an Illinois town that has been transformed because of the Mississippi. It is now part of Missouri instead of Illinois because of flooding and land mass changing. Interesting isn't it! As usual Dana is leading the pack with 91.5 miles. Micci with 46 and mom with 41.75. I am in 4th with 34. We will be crossing into Missouri when we get to the 317 mark.

I would like to take a moment to say a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the wonderful people in my life. The ones who are there for me and hear me out, instead of shutting me out. Thank you for my dad. For the words that bring tears to my eyes as I try to type them. I can not express my love and gratitude for this wondrous man. You Heavenly Father are the Supreme Father. Thank you for all the gifts you give us. For you love and guidance. For your wisdom and strength. Thank you for loving me when I have felt that I was unlovable and holding me up when I felt that I was no better then dirt on the ground. Dear Father I pray to you to be with those who are suffering, Those who are lost and don't know you. Please be with those who are longing for something that is just outside their reach. For those who are struggling to conceive please be with them. Please be with those who are ready to let go. Those who are tired and are ready to close their eyes and are ready to spend their days by your side. Dear Father please be with those who are fighting battles they can not win and those whose enemies never existed. In your name we pray. Amen.

Don't want to get dehydrated on my way to Cancun

Dehydration sucks! Anyone why has been through it knows what I am taking about. I am not talking about the oh I am thirsty. I think I need a little water. I am talking about the it doesn't matter how much water I take in its not enough.

The weather here has been a pain in the ass. We went from comfortably 70's and 80's, excessively rainy, to high 90's and 100's. (I say 100 because my little yard thermometer and the car temperature readout both said over 100.) I made sure to bring lots of water to work with me. I didn't drink coffee Tuesday morning. I didn't eat heavy foods. I did my best to dress light and keep my body from being dragged down. I went to work as soon as my son was out the door for school so I could be out of there before it got to hot. But it didn't seem to matter. I did good for a while. I did 50% of my work in 1.5 hours. I made sure to drink my water and try to keep my self hydrated. But I was already losing the battle. My muscles were beginning to ache more than they should have. I was exceptionally tired. For as much water as I was drinking I couldn't go to the bathroom, even though it felt like I needed to go and badly. I had to push myself to keep going. I kept going to my car and turning on the air and sitting there for a few minutes. The woman who works there said I was white as a ghost with bright red cheeks (a sign of dehydration) Once I made sure every horse was fed and they all had water and there was hay in every paddock, I went home. But by that point, 3 hours in, I was sick.
These are the signs and symptoms according to the Mayo Clinic

• Extreme thirst
• Extreme fussiness or sleepiness in infants and children; irritability and confusion in adults
• Very dry mouth, skin and mucous membranes
• Lack of sweating
• Little or no urination — any urine that is produced will be dark yellow or amber
• Sunken eyes
• Shriveled and dry skin that lacks elasticity and doesn't "bounce back" when pinched into a fold
• In infants, sunken fontanels — the soft spots on the top of a baby's head
• Low blood pressure
• Rapid heartbeat
• Rapid breathing
• No tears when crying
• Fever
• In the most serious cases, delirium or unconsciousness

Highlighted in red of course are my symptoms. I got home and I felt like I was going to die. Like a million horses ran me over. I found out I needed salt!! Interesting huh?! So I had a few tortilla chips because that's all my mouth and stomach could handle and drank some more water. It took me two days to feel better.

I GAINED 7 POUNDS IN WATER WEIGHT!!!!!

All that water I drank had to go somewhere and since I wasn't going to the bathroom it decided to just hang around in my system. and when I got on the scale it had added 7 pounds. I am not thrilled. As of weigh in this morning I have lost 5 of it.  But I'll be honest if you read my mid week mini blog you would know I had a panic attack and I did not deal with it well. 

I got demoted at work. How do you get demoted from scooping horse poop? well now I clean aisles and the office. Little do they know that they got the suckiest housekeeper on the face of the planet. But now that school is out at least I will get some help. My daughter does a great job at cleaning out a fridge and together we do an alright job at windows. We just have to see how it goes. When I started there as a volunteer. I said wow this place needs to be cleaned, it looks like hell. Someone needs to spend some time and organize this place. I wont lie. my feelings were hurt. I felt like a failure. I wanted to work with the horses. I wanted to pick the stalls and do the heavy work and prove myself. But I am not a teenager. I am not fast. I am old and over weight. I cant do half the things they can and I am not as comfortable as they as with the horses. I can still ride and I can still do trails. But now I get more "mom responsibilities." Go figure. I went there to get away from being "mom." But I guess you cant escape who you are. :) I am coming to terms with it.
Last but not least.Tomorrow I call the neurologist. I have been putting it off mostly because I am scared. I am not sure I want to know what he has to say.I am tired of being poked and prodded. I am tired of labels and pills. But if I can find the right meds and eliminate everything else and I can figure things out then maybe in the end it will be worth it. (thanks mom!)

Cancun updates.... We are now at 213 miles. That puts us in Nikomis IL. 1 hour south of Decatur.  Dana is still our leader with 69.86 miles. Mom is in second with 36.25 and Mic is third with 32. How awesome!!!! I will admit I have been an A1 slacker, but this week I plan to pick up the pace, considering I no longer have "set" hours I have the option. 



Well lets take a minute to say a little prayer. 
Dear God, Thank you for today!!  Thank you for my friends and family who are there for me during this confusing time. It is so nice to have people who love me. Thank you for opening my eyes to possibilities that I wouldn't have seen before. Sometimes we are blinded by our own desires. God please help me to be patient with my children as school ends on Monday. Please give me the Wisdom to know the limits of my own body and mind, to know when to push and to know when to stop. Give me the Strength to make it through the day. God please be with those who are struggling. Those who have lost so much. Please help them to get back on their feet. God please be with those who are afraid, please guide them in the right direction. In your name we pray. Amen

mini post in the middle of the week

I am stressing. I tend to be a bit paranoid. I know those of you who know me well are probably sitting there in mock surprise with your hand to your mouth to hide the gasp and the no that followed from my confession. But the truth of the matter is I am a bit paranoid. So here I am waiting for my boss to call me back. She told me this morning to call her she had some ideas she wanted to share with me. After she said this I noticed a few things. Like the fact that my name was missing from a few things. My list of stalls I am responsible for was gone and reassigned. They hired 2 new kids a few weeks back. I knew this was going to happen because in the summer we are going to be busy. But here it is we have people who are available to work and there are two people on almost every shift except for mine and I know full well it is not because I am a good worker and I don't need the help. If ANYONE needed the help it would be me. So here I am waiting. She told me to call her about 7ish. I called her a little after 7 (7:02). Its 7:25. I am impatient. I just ate. The only thing I ate today besides an ice cream sandwich. I only ate that because I was feeling like crap and it was easy to eat as I was running out the door to take my daughter to the Dr.

I had 3 slices of home made pizza. I want the rest, but I don't. Sounds silly right? I really didn't want the three I had. As a matter of fact it made me sick to my stomach. But I'm nervous and I'm scared and I want to fix it with food that I really don't need.

Nerves suck.
Feeling inadequate sucks
Wanting to eat everything around because I don't know how to deal with my feeling SUCKS.

Bosses who don't call back when they say they will suck even more.

It's 8 now. My stomach is in a knot, my neuropathy in my hands, chest and neck is bad and I feel like I am in the middle of a panic attack. I doubt this is all about my freaking job. Its not like I am the heart surgeon to the Pope. I think this is all just life and insecurity.

8:15.... I think I am going to go make some tea and try to be Zen. Wish me luck!

Quick prayer
Dear God, Thank you for today. Please let me have a job when this is all over and if I don't please let there be a window with pretty little horses waiting in fields, open for me to climb through. Or less specific please lead me down the path that is best for me (please let there be horses) In your name we pray. Amen

The smell of sunshine on my skin

Dave says he loves the smell of sunshine on my skin. The smell of fresh cut grass and a long day and wind in my hair. That it's so sexy.  He likes my shorts. He likes that my shirts aren't tight around the middle and he likes that I am wearing his shirts too. I like the things that he likes. These things make me happy. They make me blush. These are the things that have kept me going this week.

I have had my mood swings this week. It has been an egg shell week around here with my daughter. I never know what is going to set her off and you never know if she is going to cry a river or have a break down. When she has the smell of sunshine on her skin and the wind in her hair we usually have a pretty alright day, but if she hasn't had exercise or she hasn't done her sensory exercises you never know what may come. I think I worry a little to much about my daughters feelings.

Last week twice it got so bad I wanted to reach out and touch her. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. There was no talking her down there was no reasoning. Yelling would have done no good. The people I worked with saw her and later they commented. They weren't rude they weren't mean. But they had conversations with their parents about her behavior to find out if this kind of behavior was normal. And they talked to me about it. One of them said my mom said she was glad she had 2 boys, girls are hard to raise. All I could say was yeah, that they are. Shes a good kid, shes just having a hard time. But her hard times effect us all. I cant tell you how many times I wanted to go to the Chinese place this week. How many times I wanted to swing through Burger King and McDonald's. At one point if got so bad the anger and the pain inside from my overwhelming emotions led me down a dark path. I wanted to eat and eat and eat and cut and cut and cut. I had to fill the inside that felt so empty and cut the outside to release all the pain the was trying to push its way out! Its a vicious cycle. Instead I talked to Dave when I got home and I cried. Then I got up in the morning and I continued on with my life. That's all I can do.

Today, well today I am watching my husband and two of his buddies try to fix the push mower because once again the riding mower is broken and it is going to have to be taken in to be fixed. Which means it is probably going to be broken for a while. I just paid a lot of money for 2 of my dogs to go to the vet. But the push is good, it just means more exercise! Bonus!!!!! That is mileage.... As for our mileage in our Couch to Cancun. We are at 130 miles. I am still trying to figure out how I am doing this map thing. But as soon as I have it figured out I will tell you the cool places we have been :).  Our leader is Dana with 37.85 miles followed by Mom with 25.25 and Mic in third with 21. Great job by every one. We are getting there slowly but surely. 

Well I think it is time for a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the sunshine on my skin and the wind in my hair. I may not have gotten the grass cut but I for to feel it brush against my legs and that is more than some people get. So I am blessed. Thank you for my mom and her wisdom. Please help me to be patient with my daughter. I know that she is a good person and that she is so much like me and that together with your help we will get through this phase in life. Please help me to fight the urges to eat when I am overwhelmed. It will not fill the voids of confusion and frustration and cutting will not release the pressure it will only add more pain. God, please be with those who are suffering. Those whose addictions are a vise that have a grip on them they cant break free from. Those whose depression is so deep they cant see the light and those who fight with demons that disease has brought upon them. Please be with those who have lost a loved one. Joyce and Erica who have lost Nedis. Please be with me this next week as I work harder to reach new goals. In your name I pray. Amen