I read your blog, Your doing great!!!

When I started writing this I only sent it out to a few select friends. I didn't want people to know my struggles. I mean you look at me and you know I have weight to lose but you don't know how much. And a smile and a nod or a passing glance on the street don't tell you how I am feeling or why it is I am struggling the way that I am. I was embarrassed and ashamed. But I had to tell someone my story. I was shocked by the positive response I got. So I spread the word a little more. But I was shocked this past week when I finally let go and posted on Facebook instead of being restrictive. The fear I had inside, the fear of public humiliation, was gone. If nothing else I was embraced. I was accepted with open arms. I was complimented.

Its amazing how compliments can make you feel, especially when you stop blocking them and start listening to them. I went to a wedding last night and I actually felt good in my skin. I wore a dress I felt good in. My hair was down, my make up was soft, my skin was tan and healthy. I felt pretty and that's not something I say often. When we got to the reception the groom told me I look amazing. I blushed and instead of deflecting it like I usually do I said thank you. I teared up when my husband said I looked beautiful later that night.

This morning in church one of the members told me I looked good, he read my blog. That my efforts were paying off. Even my pastor made notice. Truly the lord is good to me. It may take a village to raise a child but there isn't anything that can't be done without the support of God, family, friends and faith behind you. Obviously I have all of that. I have comments on Facebook and my blog and personal e-mails, all encouraging me to keep going.  So I shall.

I know it has only been a few days since I last  blogged so there isn't to much to catch up on, but there are a few things to share. I did keep most of my promise. Thursday and Friday I exercised. I went to the beach and I body surfed in some crazy waves. My whole body ached but we got up and did it again the next day. Saturday I did not. I was busy from the time I woke up til 5 am when I went to bed. I ended up taking one of our dogs to the vet at 1:30 in the morning. She bit into an electrical cord and shocked herself and burned the inside of her mouth. Poor puppy is in pain. So I did not get it done. BUT We did put up a new Challenge on myfitnesspal . It is exercise oriented. Micci is the challenger. So this week we add something new everyday. if you walk everyday than you add 5 minutes jogging. so on so forth. Plus staying under 225 carbs a day.

This week I am planning on using some of the recipes from What We Eat  , a blog from my friend Jill. She used to do Weight Watchers like me and she is also working on losing weight and eating healthier. She is cooking healthy food for life for her and her two young boys. Eating habits are learned young.

L O U I S I A N A

We are finally in Louisiana. Becky has joined us now. She brought 30 miles this week on her bike! Great job Becky. She is my Best Friend and I think she will be the inspiration I need to get my butt out there on my own bike peddling away the pounds. So right now we are in the Bodcau State Wildlife Management Area. The area is long and narrow with an average width of one and one-half miles and consists of approximately 34,355 acres. WOW! I suggest we stick to the paths because there is hunting there and we do not want to the the hunter or the prey! It is 17 miles from Bossier City, LA.


Well I am getting tired and it is time for dinner. SO I think it is time for a little prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life who have shown me that I am never alone. Thank you for Kristen, she is a blessing to our family. I am so happy that she confirmed today and she is now a member of the church. Thank you for the doctors at the all night clinic for being there to look at my poor dog Maddie. God please be with Jenny Hutson and her family as they get ready to bury her dad. May they find comfort in your arms and your words. God please be with those who struggle. Find comfort for the needy. Please help those who battle enemies unknown, drugs, alcohol, depression and other illnesses. In your name we pray. Amen

Yes, I know its a Wednesday, but I can blog if I want to

I suck as a dieter. There I said it. It's not my dirty little secret anymore. I don't have to hang my head in shame, I don't have to look away. I just have to accept it for what it is. I suck as a dieter. I kind of feel better about it now. A little relieved. But I know now that I have brought it out into the light I have to acknowledge my dirty little secret. I can't just shove it back in the corner with a box of ice cream and expect it to be quiet and happy. Nope, now it is like a mutated gremlin. I have fed it after midnight, I have gotten it wet and it is out for blood.

I also suck as a blogger. I was gone for a week and I think the only one who noticed was my mom. I think the only ones who read this are my family and a few friends who feel bad for me or are truly encouraging me. SO to you all I say Thank You. I read an article from-blunderer-to-blogger-a-cautionary-tale It made me think about the fact as much as I want to lose weight maybe I am not passionate about losing weight. But lately I don't think I am passionate about anything. So that makes it hard to write about it. When I don't know what IT is. But I do know that I like money saving mom. So I think that since the kids are now in school! OMG yay!!! I might just have to take some of her tips.

But the point of this blog is my weight loss journey. WEIGHT LOSS!!! WEIGHT LOSS!!!
OK I said it. Those dirty words. There they are again. Dirty ninja words of horror. AHHH. So I am going to wipe my slate clean!

         This is a clean slate!! I am starting over!!!              
See I look at it this way all my promises from the past all my goals all of my all of mys have piled up and now it feels like goals and promises mean nothing. But I need them to. So I am starting fresh. Today is a new day. I am a new loser, a new blogger, a new twist on me. 

So I have a goal its as simple as this. I have 3 days til I blog again. In those three days I am going to exercise 30 minutes each day. That's it, that's all, 30 minutes. It doesn't matter. Walk a dog, ride my bike, do a video. Whatever! Just do it.   

A friend of mine started a blog and I think I will be referring to her blog often. What We Eat is a great blog set up by my friend Jill for food that is friendly for people like me who are trying to watch ourselves get back into a girlish figure. One of these days I will tell you all about Jill. She is one of those people that makes a difference in the world and never even knows it until 20 years later when shes sitting at her desk at work and a long lost friend sends her a message on Facebook.Jill is one of my Hero's.

Well I need my sleep. Fighting the gremlins in the night is a lot of hard work and if I plan on taking this blog to the masses I need my beauty sleep. So I think it is time for a prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for both of my children making it through the first day of school successfully. I am so proud of both of them. Thank you for watching over my sister, daughter and niece on the expressway. Sometimes things come out of right field and it takes quick thinking and an angel to protect us and watch over us. Please be with Jenny Hutson and her family as they struggle through the health issues her dad is facing. Please God comfort those who are in pain. Those whose hearts are broken, whose arms are empty and who are looking for answers. Please help those who fight demons only they can see. Please watch over us Lord, guide us and protect us. In your name we pray. Amen.

Cancun countdown on Sunday. I didn't forget.

CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!

This past week I put forth a different challenge everyday. We did water and a mile, fruit, veggies, measurements, stairs, do a little dance, tracking your food and exercise on http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and ended the week with water and a mile again. The winner (Becky) was the person who completed the most challenges. Becky did all of them. Her prize was a bottle of bright green nail polish!!!. This week Micci is in charge of the challenge. She has challenged us to burn 500 calories a day and not eat them back!! That's going to be a tough challenge. I love my food. The next week Dana is in charge of the challenge. I am interested to see what she will bring to the table. But I like the challenges. They keep us going and mix it up and some days that's what you need. I know that's what I need.

I took my measurements and it wasnt pretty. Not pretty at all. I was ashamed. My waist is wider than my hips and I have lost weight. So I decided that in two weeks I am going to take my measurements again. And in two weeks after that I am going to do it again. I am going to do it again and again and again. I want to know about the inches that come off. Every two weeks! I am going to dance I am going to bend I am going to get it off. Im tired of having a waist that is bigger than my hips. I am tired of being fat.

Lately I have been feeling really inadequate. I just feel like nothing I do is anywhere near good enough. I am not a good enough

• mother
• wife
• housekeeper (which still kills me that I am cleaning the office and stuff at the barn!?)
• friend
• daughter
• christian
• employee (See housekeeper comments)
• gardener
• photographer
• etc... 

You name it. There doesn't seem to be anything in my life that I have felt like I am good enough at. I feel like I have been lacking a purpose. I think its funny how this lack of purpose and my insomnia and my out of control eating all seem to work in tandem. I don't know a night in this week I have gone to bed before 1. Then I cant wake up in the morning. Then I want to sleep all day. I eat more to keep going. I hate to move, my body aches. I don't want to shower, I smell. I am a horrible person. Its like PMS. Problem. I had a hysterectomy in '04. I don't have a female reproductive organ left in my body!Isn't it funny how a week can feel like a life time.

I look at it and I feel like I have been going through this for ever. Like this sadness has been so intense for so long, my whole life, I have never known anything else. But the truth of the matter is its been a rough week. I've been down on myself. The summer wasnt what I thought it would be. And now it is drawing to a close. I measure it all by its seasons. The opportunities of my life. The happiness, the promise, the chances. The fire is dying and I am afraid that on a cold fall night the light will go out and it will stay out all winter and I will burrow in and I will be lost and I will stay lost longer this time than I was last time. I wanted to get more out of this summer. I wanted to be more. I wanted to ride a horse more than twice and I wanted that second time not to have the horse be so difficult that everything inside of me wanted to get off the stubborn ass mare and cry. They say you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Well I couldn't even get this mare to leave the hitching post. After a year I should be able to get a horse to walk. But she wasn't feeling it. The kids I work with kept telling me you have to make her move, you have to be aggressive. You have to be in control. But short of tying her to my van and pulling her I didn't know what to do. Finally one of the kids led her away from the post and down the trail and we started on our way. I have been there a year. This is the first time I have ever gone on trail alone. I got lost. Its the 6th time I have ridden a horse there. I'm not going to lie my pride was seriously bruised. I was angry too. If I hadn't been demoted I would have known those trails by heart. I would have had control over that horse. I would have been out dozens of times. I wouldn't have had that issue at all. But I was demoted. I asked my manager to take me out on trail next week. I will learn it.

That is Izzy She is the stubborn mare. This pic is from last winter.

Good news. I have an appointment with the neurologist. Bad news. I didnt put it in my planner so I dont know when it is so I have to call them tomorrow to check the date. Why I didnt write it down is beyond me!! But I have an appointment. So yay. 

I go out walking after midnight, out in the moonlight......

Cancun, fun in the sun, white sand beaches, beauty, imagine us there. Well we are still in Arkansas but we are only 64 miles away from Louisiana. We are walking through The Poison Spring State Park as we speak. Here is a little historical information for ya! In the spring of 1864, three Civil War battles took place in south central Arkansas that were part of the Union Army's "Red River Campaign." Arkansas's three state historic parks that commemorate these battles--Poison Springs Battleground State Park, Marks' Mills Battleground State Park and Jenkins Ferry Battleground State Park--are part of the Red River Campaign National Historic Landmark. 

Now a little prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for the people in my life who love me for who I am. Thank you for loving me, even when I am on my roller coaster. Please be with those who are battling their demons. Help them to deal with the issues they can not resolve. Please be with those who are grieving. Comfort them in their time of sorrow. Please guide us on our way. Without you are our light we are lost. In your name we pray. Amen.

3 people, 4 days, 30 plus miles.....

I wanted to say Thank you to everyone for reading my blog. I cant tell you how much I appreciate all of you!! I don't know if I would have been blogging for as long as I have if it wasn't for the support of my friends and family. Every time I hear someone tell me, "I hear ya", "Been there done that", "Your not alone", or they share a personal story about their journey I know that I am not in this alone. And when I hear people say, "I'm proud of you.", I knew you could do it!" Good Job!" I feel a sense of pride. I am overwhelmed with happiness and to be honest I tear up a little because I have such wonderful friends and I am so thankful for all of you. So I wanted to tell you all that I couldn't do this without you. Thank you!!

I spent this past week on vacation with the kids. We went away for 5 days. I had no cell reception, which was kind of hard. I felt kind of lost and relieved at the same time. There was wi-fi at a few of the rec buildings but not at my grandmas place, so we didn't get to play on the computer. We spent the days at the pool or the beach. We walked or rode our bikes. Well that is until Lexis bike got a flat and no amount of air could make it stay inflated. So we walked everywhere else. I spent hours each day in the pool, hanging on the wall at the deep end, kicking my feet and treading water. Sometimes when it was adult swim I would dive off the diving board. But other than that I spent most of the day soaking up the sun (I used an spf 50 sport sunscreen) and soaking in the water. The water in the pool and the lake was so soothing. It was refreshing on the hottest of days, and there were about 4 of those.

I felt like I was losing weight by the buckets, my clothes were getting looser. I felt better in my skin. I liked the reflection in the mirror. Dave told me when I got home I looked thinner. So did his friend. But I guess I was eating more than I realized. Because the scale went up. So maybe I lost some inches. I'm good with that. I just wish the scale had a better number for me.

Nothing in life is perfect. This vacation wasn't either. We had a lot of rough patches. There were a lot of times that reaching out and touching my children sounded like the only option. I'm tired of teen and pre-teen attitude. My mom tells me that it will only get worse and then in a few years it will get better. God I hope so. Because I think I may lose my mind! But I didn't let my anger or irritation with my kids  become an excuse to eat. I instead tried to focus on the moments in front of me. The things I am thankful for. Things that make me happy. Like the time I went under the willow tree in the row boat with the kids. (The last time we went out there, it was to hot to go out this time).  

I was thankful that I had a chance to walk the same path as a kid as the kids and I were taking to get to the beach. That was one of the things I tried to tell the kids about. How Micci, Dana and I would walk to the lake and swim all day long and then head back to the trailer all worn out from water and sun. We would fall asleep on the cots in the screened in porch while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. There was no air conditioning. We dealt with being sticky and hot. We didn't have 100 dish channels. we had an old TV with rabbit ears that might get 3 channels. We fished, we walked and on the weekends we went to the pavilion and we danced to the different bands. I was thin and happy and tanned. I ran and I played. And this past week I didn't feel 35. There were times I felt 12. I felt like I was young again. I felt the sun on my skin. I felt the breeze. I felt life being lived. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be a part of all this back here. But I knew I had to and I was Thankful for the fact I had a chance to have that. I am thankful for the fact I had those memories.

The bad part of all this is that since I didn't have cell phone service and computer service I didn't get mileage this week. I am still collecting it all. So I am not posting this weeks Cancun mileage. I will be posting it next week. I just don't have enough info from everyone to make it fair. So next week it will be two weeks worth of miles. 

I had a great night last night at Summer Bash. I think I ate to much and I know I drank to much. But truth be told I don't party like that often. God knows I don't drink like that ever. That's probably why this blog has taken a total of 5 hours to write. I'm tired. But I am so happy I went. Thank you Micci and Timmy for inviting me. Thanks to everyone for such a great time.

I would like to take a moment to say a little prayer.