CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!

This past week I put forth a different challenge everyday. We did water and a mile, fruit, veggies, measurements, stairs, do a little dance, tracking your food and exercise on http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and ended the week with water and a mile again. The winner (Becky) was the person who completed the most challenges. Becky did all of them. Her prize was a bottle of bright green nail polish!!!. This week Micci is in charge of the challenge. She has challenged us to burn 500 calories a day and not eat them back!! That's going to be a tough challenge. I love my food. The next week Dana is in charge of the challenge. I am interested to see what she will bring to the table. But I like the challenges. They keep us going and mix it up and some days that's what you need. I know that's what I need.

I took my measurements and it wasnt pretty. Not pretty at all. I was ashamed. My waist is wider than my hips and I have lost weight. So I decided that in two weeks I am going to take my measurements again. And in two weeks after that I am going to do it again. I am going to do it again and again and again. I want to know about the inches that come off. Every two weeks! I am going to dance I am going to bend I am going to get it off. Im tired of having a waist that is bigger than my hips. I am tired of being fat.

Lately I have been feeling really inadequate. I just feel like nothing I do is anywhere near good enough. I am not a good enough

• mother
• wife
• housekeeper (which still kills me that I am cleaning the office and stuff at the barn!?)
• friend
• daughter
• christian
• employee (See housekeeper comments)
• gardener
• photographer
• etc... 

You name it. There doesn't seem to be anything in my life that I have felt like I am good enough at. I feel like I have been lacking a purpose. I think its funny how this lack of purpose and my insomnia and my out of control eating all seem to work in tandem. I don't know a night in this week I have gone to bed before 1. Then I cant wake up in the morning. Then I want to sleep all day. I eat more to keep going. I hate to move, my body aches. I don't want to shower, I smell. I am a horrible person. Its like PMS. Problem. I had a hysterectomy in '04. I don't have a female reproductive organ left in my body!Isn't it funny how a week can feel like a life time.

I look at it and I feel like I have been going through this for ever. Like this sadness has been so intense for so long, my whole life, I have never known anything else. But the truth of the matter is its been a rough week. I've been down on myself. The summer wasnt what I thought it would be. And now it is drawing to a close. I measure it all by its seasons. The opportunities of my life. The happiness, the promise, the chances. The fire is dying and I am afraid that on a cold fall night the light will go out and it will stay out all winter and I will burrow in and I will be lost and I will stay lost longer this time than I was last time. I wanted to get more out of this summer. I wanted to be more. I wanted to ride a horse more than twice and I wanted that second time not to have the horse be so difficult that everything inside of me wanted to get off the stubborn ass mare and cry. They say you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Well I couldn't even get this mare to leave the hitching post. After a year I should be able to get a horse to walk. But she wasn't feeling it. The kids I work with kept telling me you have to make her move, you have to be aggressive. You have to be in control. But short of tying her to my van and pulling her I didn't know what to do. Finally one of the kids led her away from the post and down the trail and we started on our way. I have been there a year. This is the first time I have ever gone on trail alone. I got lost. Its the 6th time I have ridden a horse there. I'm not going to lie my pride was seriously bruised. I was angry too. If I hadn't been demoted I would have known those trails by heart. I would have had control over that horse. I would have been out dozens of times. I wouldn't have had that issue at all. But I was demoted. I asked my manager to take me out on trail next week. I will learn it.

That is Izzy She is the stubborn mare. This pic is from last winter.

Good news. I have an appointment with the neurologist. Bad news. I didnt put it in my planner so I dont know when it is so I have to call them tomorrow to check the date. Why I didnt write it down is beyond me!! But I have an appointment. So yay. 

I go out walking after midnight, out in the moonlight......

Cancun, fun in the sun, white sand beaches, beauty, imagine us there. Well we are still in Arkansas but we are only 64 miles away from Louisiana. We are walking through The Poison Spring State Park as we speak. Here is a little historical information for ya! In the spring of 1864, three Civil War battles took place in south central Arkansas that were part of the Union Army's "Red River Campaign." Arkansas's three state historic parks that commemorate these battles--Poison Springs Battleground State Park, Marks' Mills Battleground State Park and Jenkins Ferry Battleground State Park--are part of the Red River Campaign National Historic Landmark. 

Now a little prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for the people in my life who love me for who I am. Thank you for loving me, even when I am on my roller coaster. Please be with those who are battling their demons. Help them to deal with the issues they can not resolve. Please be with those who are grieving. Comfort them in their time of sorrow. Please guide us on our way. Without you are our light we are lost. In your name we pray. Amen.