What 2011 has taught me

I started this blog a year ago. I had great expectations. I had wanted to be 90 pounds lighter by now. But in the end it is only 10. I lost 20 at one point and gained 10 of it back. I can get angry about it, or sad, or I can use it as an opportunity learn something about myself and use it in the next year to make a a stronger person. I am choosing to be a stronger person.

I have worked hard this year to cleanse myself of emotional toxins. I have let toxic friendships end. Unlike years past I didn't try to change who I was to fit in and make them like me. I simply realized that if people don't like me that is their problem, not mine.I am learning to love myself and I realize I am a lot happier that way. And because of the I am finding the connections I have with others who do truly love me are stronger. There are people who have encouraged me and pushed me when I needed. To them I am truly grateful.

In the fall of 2011 I stepped up to be the assistant den leader for my sons Boy Scout Pack. Dave was supposed to be the leader. But things got in the way and every other week I would show up for the meetings hoping to accomplish all Dave had set out for me. In the end I took the place as leader and Dave as my assistant. The boys have taught me so much. I have learned that social standings mean nothing when you are working together to achieve a common goal. Whether it be building a bird feeder out of milk jugs or preparing for a camp out, the boys are all equal. I have met some amazing parents and I found compassion that I thought I had lost. Together we helped a family and bettered a community. I am proud to be the Webelo Den Leader for Pack 802.

I lost my job this fall. Truth be told I lost it in early summer. But I had hoped that I would be able to get back to the horses in the fall. It wasn't meant to be. I won't lie I am still a little jaded. But I have promised myself that in the new year I will get back to volunteering at the barn. Back to what it was that made me happy there. The horses. I lost sight of my true desires. Losing my job was actually a great release. I was so unhappy. I hated it there. Now I can look at it again as a place I love to be.

Medically I have been a pin cushion. Tourettes has found its way into my vocabulary. Pain pills have lost their grip on me and I couldn't be happier. I'm no longer stuck in their web. I look back now and think wow, all the things I lost to Vicodin. One of them being memories. But I can't dwell on the past. I have to go forward.

I can say now that I love myself. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am a better mother and wife. I am a stronger Christian. I am making connections with people who I had pushed away. One off them being the true Tina I am inside.

I know 2012 won't be perfect. But I think that I can continue to grow as a person. My goals this year are simple. Continue to be a better person. Find love for myself. Love myself enough to actually focus on my weight loss. Love myself enough to stop making excuses, admit when I am afraid, or when I am wrong. Remember that God loves me and that I am his child. A relationship with him can only grow stronger if I am willing to listen and believe.

The ghosts of christmas pagents past

I was little, somewhere between five and seven I believe, when I was in the first Christmas pageant I remember. I didn't have a part, I was just one of the cute little kids that made all the parents smile. My sisters and I were always dressed in pretty red dresses for Christmas. So I know I was in a red velvet dress and black shoes and white tights. But the rest of the actual program is a blur. The reason I remember is because of my Upstairs Gram. My Upstairs Grandma lived a block away from the church, but because of her arthritis and other health issues, she wasn't able to come. But she had asked me to sing loud enough for her to hear.So sing I did. I sang at the top of my lungs. I put so much love and hope into that performance. I wanted her to be there, but since she couldn't I was going to make sure she could at least hear me. Of course the next day the adults were smiling and laughing and relaying the story, and when I asked my Upstairs Gram about it, she told me she heard me. That's one of those Christmas memories you don't forget.

There are other pageants, other memories. Like the year that the program seemed "darker". I don't know who had picked the program that year but it was a heavier program than years past. I think this was closer to age ten. All I remember is my cousin Jeremy's lines. "Darkness, Darkness all around us..." and I believe that that point the lights went out. We were talking about it at church tonight and my Aunt Di said, "Of all the programs to remember it was that one. All I hear is Darkness, Darkness." Something inside me tells me that she was the one who had chosen it. But sometimes its better to not ask at all.

I was the star of David when I was in The Sunrise Singers. It was a Sunday School choir. I was so proud of myself. I don't know what happened but I know there was a malfunction of some sort and I almost didn't get to be the star. Devastation would have reigned down on me if I had missed that.I would be telling you a sad story about my loss, instead of this memory about being the star.

In 35 years I have been in and been to a quarter of a centuries worth of pageants. All of them beautiful in their own way. Tracy Sella said it right today, there is something about hearing the message from children that drives the whole thing home. It makes you believe in miracles. No matter how small.

Many moons ago Alexis and I lived with a man and his kids. I was working 2 jobs and going to school and he had lost another job. I think we were behind on every bill and close to eviction. I was struggling to figure out how to pay the bills and how I was going to get money to get the kids stuff for Christmas. We lived on the second floor of a three story apartment building. One that you have to be buzzed into.  I didn't really know my neighbors only that a kind couple lived across the hall from us. One day I came home and as I climbed the stairs I taken aback. Sitting in front of my door there were boxes of food. Mountains of trimmings for a holiday dinner and honestly for at least a month after that. There were gift wrapped presents piled high, all of them labeled according to which child they were for. There was no card, no name, no idea who it was that had done this for me. I stood there and cried. I had ideas, but nothing solid. Only a piece of paper taped to the door saying, "We're sorry we missed you. Merry Christmas."

This year the Cub Scouts decided to adopt the family of one of our boys. He's a good kid. He has always lived with his grandma and this year his mom and his 3 siblings moved in too.  He is one of those kids that make you smile when you see him. His grandma works a lot and she is studying Criminal Justice.  She does the best she can with whats shes got, but now that there are 4 more mouths in a two bedroom house, she is struggling. The grandma is such a good person. Her heart is too big for her body too. So when we decided to take the food from our food drive and deliver that and presents to the family all I could think about was a Christmas many years ago. I have been given a chance to pay it forward.

Kindness doesn't care about the economy, it doesn't talk about the weather. It comes from with-in us. It comes from cans of food and Christmas presents from strangers. It comes in a warm over stuffed chair for for an old abandoned dog, who would have surely died out in the cold. It comes from people who provide comfort for those in need, like a stable, in December, in a time long long ago. It comes on the voices of angels and children in the message that God has sent to us. Peace on Earth, Good will to all! Glory to the New Born King! Noel, Noel!

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A little Cancun news before we go. I know it seems like I forgot, but I didn't. I have tallied us up to 1870 miles! YAY team. That is so exciting. We are getting ready to walk around the southern tip of the Gulf of Mexico. We are 956 miles away. It's been a long journey, but I am so glad we are doing it.

Now on to our prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people who are in my life. I am so blessed and I know it would take me an hour to list them all. Thank You for sending us Your son as a gift to all the world. Thank You for loving me. God, at this time I have a few requests. God please be with Beckett. I know she is scared, and I can't say I blame her. Please help her, hold her up when she is weak and comfort her when she is afraid. Please let her results come back favorably. Please also bee with Jenny. I know that she is terrified about her up coming surgery. Help her to find peace of mind. Comfort her and support her. Also God, please be with the family of my Aunt Mary Anne. She came home to You last week, but the people she left behind miss her so.  God, please be with those who are alone at this time of year. Help us all to receive Your message and to live with it in our hearts all year round. In Your name we pray. Amen

Dear Scale, I hate you!

Dear Scale,
          I am writing today to tell you that I don't like you! Honestly I hate you! You sit on my kitchen floor, mocking me. "Tina, come over here and stand on me!" I walk around you, I glare at you, I turn my nose up at you. But you are a sneaky bitch! You catch me off guard. When I am weak. When I just went to the bathroom and I was feeling a few ounces smaller. Because those ounces count. First thing in the morning I hear you calling, "Tina, I'm waiting for you! Come over here and show me some flub!" "NO!," I cry. "NO!" but the first thing I do after the bathroom is walk over and stomp on you. I think you like the abuse. I think your a dirty little scale. You like it when I call you names. When I stomp on you. I could call you a dirty little whore and I think it would make your digits go wonky.

        I know we have had an on-again off-again love affair. When my weight loss is going well. I praise you, I love you and when I get on you I smile the whole time. But when I am gaining, you are my worst enemy. I wish we could talk more. I wish we were able to have a conversation that didn't end in me wanting to throw you out the window. As much as I say I want to hurt you I love you. As much as I want to deny you, I am obsessed with you.

        You are an illness. You are an obsession I can't quit. Cigarettes, I quit. Smoking pot, quit that too. For Lent I gave up pop, and I stuck it out the whole time. But you, oh you, Your like peanut butter, your like coffee, your like great sex. I don't think I can go to long with out you. Sometimes when I want to make us both smile I yell, "Naked Mommy in the kitchen." And I rip off my clothes and hop on. I know I will weigh less naked and I know you will show me those peerrty little numbers that I love so much! Everyone in the house knows the battle cry. Everyone groans, except Dave who lets out a cat call and some days come running. But it is the rush I get when you give me a new lower number that makes it all worth while.

        So I'll make you a deal, I will continue to try to lose weight. I will track what I put in my mouth and I will try to exercise more. What I ask of you is this, try to remember to that I have clothes on. So if you could subtract a few ounces I would greatly appreciate it. I figure your just taking an extra step in our relationship.  If you do me right, I will sing your praises. I will talk pretty to you, I will treat you like a piece of furniture, instead of a piece of lying scrap metal. I'm sure we can work it out.

Yours faithfully,

Tina

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my friends and family and for the realization that I am not alone. I am so blessed. Thank You for giving Your son for my sins. I try to remember at this time and all times how much You love me. Please watch over those who are suffering, those who will spend the holidays alone and those who are trapped in a world they can't find a way out of. May the holidays bring us all together. In your name we pray. Amen
     

And all at once the crowd began to sing.....

I know this is a day late, but I had a very busy weekend, so please forgive.

I will start with this. I didn't eat all that great BUT I am slowly losing the 10 pounds I put on. I took off 2 pounds this week. I just have to remember to keep going and tracking my food.

Friday was one of those magical days that remind you just how strong the bond is between mother and daughter. Lexi and I went to see Miracle on State Street in Chicago. I took her out of school a little early so we could make the train on time. And I am so glad I did. We got to Chicago 3 hours before the concert started. Lex had never been downtown and when we hit ground lever the city overwhelmed her. She became giddy and light. She wanted to see it, explore it, feel it all. So we headed over to Millennium Park. She was in awe of the art work. The two towers with the faces on them were way to cool. But it was the bean that made her giddy. She was so excited by everything she was running to get to the next thing.

We were going to hit Buckingham Fountain, but decided we were both cold and hungry. I know that Chicago is filled with good places to eat and experience. But we decided not to eat anything that would upset our stomachs. So we went with an old standby. McDonalds. I know not a great choice, but I know that it wont make my stomach hurt. Having no gall bladder makes things like pizza and pasta make me sick.


We left there and decided to explore more. We found a comic book store and stopped in. It is everything I expected from a comic book store. Including two people discussing what makes different comics dramatic. I couldn't follow, but it was interesting to listen to.

We made our way to Macy's after that. This is one of those moments that makes your eyes well up with tears. As we walked through I saw the make up counter and asked for them to do Lexis make up. After all this was Lexis day. Stephanie, our make up artist, did a wonderful job. She explained everything she was doing and Lex listened with interest. I of course was taking a million pics. I didn't know it was possible for her to be more beautiful that she already did. But my baby glowed.

We finally made our way to the theater. We were one of the first in line and Lex wanted in more than anything. When we finally got in we got her a Kelly Clarkson shirt and then headed to our seats. The theater was amazing. I had been there before but it never fails to amaze. When the lights dimmed and Christine Perri came on I thought Lex was going to lose her mind. Most of the people around us were my age and maybe a little older. Lex was the youngest and most enthusiastic person around and I could see on the faces of everyone around me that they enjoyed her enthusiasm. Some of us probably remembered our first concert and how we felt. She and I sang along to everything. When Kelly Clarkson came on it was the highlight for Lexi. She stood through most of her set. Jumping and singing and dancing. I watched her with tears and smiles. Of course I joined her.


The Frey was just awesome! They did one of my favorite songs and Lex hugged me. We spent most of the song singing to each other and hugging. I couldn't help but actually cry at that point. I was so happy and close to my girl. Right now I am tearing up.

Lex slept the whole train ride home, 1hour and 45 minutes of her leaning on me. I felt like I did when she was little. That I held her up and supported her and that she needed me and I needed her.

I think she told me thank you at least 2 dozen times. She told me how magical the night was and how happy she was that we got to spend it together. I don't think she truly knows how magical it truly was.

Saturday Lex and I  went to a play with my family. Then I dropped her off at a friends. Dave and I went out to dinner and then to a one of Austins friends house. We found out that her car broke down and she is struggling to get to work and to pay for the repairs. She is one of those people that is so strong and would never ask a favor of anyone. So Dave and his friend figured out what was wrong with the car. Unfortunately they couldn't fix it. BUT they did know someone who could.

Sunday I rearranged my bed room. What sucks now is that all the stuff I took out of my room I have to sort through and put back or throw out. I hate the part of rearranging.

So I am going to say a prayer and then get back to moving this stuff around.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the one on one time I got to spend with Alexis. Thank You for reminding me just how special she is and how amazing and loving she is. Thank You for the love of my family. I am so blessed to have so many caring people in my life. Thank you for the Cub Scouts. They have taught me so much. The kindness and concern they show for others touches me deeply and I am glad that Austin has the chance to be involved and the I get to be a leader. Thank You for reminding me to be humble. I have so much when others had so little. Thank You for opening my heart. Please keep Diane Stone and hers in your thoughts. She is so strong. Please help the community to open their arms and make sure that the kids have a good Christmas and that they cabinets are filled as is their hearts. In Your name we pray. Amen