I started this blog a year ago. I had great expectations. I had wanted to be 90 pounds lighter by now. But in the end it is only 10. I lost 20 at one point and gained 10 of it back. I can get angry about it, or sad, or I can use it as an opportunity learn something about myself and use it in the next year to make a a stronger person. I am choosing to be a stronger person.
I have worked hard this year to cleanse myself of emotional toxins. I have let toxic friendships end. Unlike years past I didn't try to change who I was to fit in and make them like me. I simply realized that if people don't like me that is their problem, not mine.I am learning to love myself and I realize I am a lot happier that way. And because of the I am finding the connections I have with others who do truly love me are stronger. There are people who have encouraged me and pushed me when I needed. To them I am truly grateful.
In the fall of 2011 I stepped up to be the assistant den leader for my sons Boy Scout Pack. Dave was supposed to be the leader. But things got in the way and every other week I would show up for the meetings hoping to accomplish all Dave had set out for me. In the end I took the place as leader and Dave as my assistant. The boys have taught me so much. I have learned that social standings mean nothing when you are working together to achieve a common goal. Whether it be building a bird feeder out of milk jugs or preparing for a camp out, the boys are all equal. I have met some amazing parents and I found compassion that I thought I had lost. Together we helped a family and bettered a community. I am proud to be the Webelo Den Leader for Pack 802.
I lost my job this fall. Truth be told I lost it in early summer. But I had hoped that I would be able to get back to the horses in the fall. It wasn't meant to be. I won't lie I am still a little jaded. But I have promised myself that in the new year I will get back to volunteering at the barn. Back to what it was that made me happy there. The horses. I lost sight of my true desires. Losing my job was actually a great release. I was so unhappy. I hated it there. Now I can look at it again as a place I love to be.
Medically I have been a pin cushion. Tourettes has found its way into my vocabulary. Pain pills have lost their grip on me and I couldn't be happier. I'm no longer stuck in their web. I look back now and think wow, all the things I lost to Vicodin. One of them being memories. But I can't dwell on the past. I have to go forward.
I can say now that I love myself. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am a better mother and wife. I am a stronger Christian. I am making connections with people who I had pushed away. One off them being the true Tina I am inside.
I know 2012 won't be perfect. But I think that I can continue to grow as a person. My goals this year are simple. Continue to be a better person. Find love for myself. Love myself enough to actually focus on my weight loss. Love myself enough to stop making excuses, admit when I am afraid, or when I am wrong. Remember that God loves me and that I am his child. A relationship with him can only grow stronger if I am willing to listen and believe.
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