More than proud

I have to tell you this for you to understand that. When I was in High School I wanted to die. Correction, I wanted to kill myself. I was sick, but not in a way people could see. Mental illness was not something that was talked about back then. People saw me and saw a freak, a crazy chick. They didn't see that inside my head there were voices telling me how useless and worthless I was. They didn't hear the people inside mimicking the voices of the ones I loved, telling me that I should just kill myself and end all the suffering I was causing the people around me. I had had enough. I was broken and dying inside and I was crying for help. One day, in a stairwell by the journalism class, I bore my sole to someone. She listened to me, she heard me. I don't know what made her say the right things. I cant say what it is that made her understand I was desperate. But she listened to me. I told her that I was going to kill myself. When I left school that day I knew what it was I was going to do. So did she. All the way home I planned it. The in and out, the walking away. Things I would never get to say, but I had to accept it. Because stopping and saying something would mean I was caught and I didn't want to be caught. I wanted to be dead.

I opened the back door to drop my bag off at home and my dad called my name. I went in and life went out of focus. I remember trying to leave. I was so angry at her. She called and she told my parents everything. I was fighting and kicking and yelling. How could she do this to me, I trusted her. I believed that she wouldn't tell anyone ANYONE! How could she actually listen to me, and save my life? My dad had grabbed me and was holding on to me for dear life. Someone called the police. I was handcuffed and put in the back of an ambulance. I was taken to Christ Hospital. I hated everyone. I hated my dad for stopping me, I hated Jill for calling and telling on me and I hated myself, because it took me so long to tell someone.

Today my son came home and he crawled into my lap and he cried. Now my son is 11. He's not so little anymore. So when he crawls into my lap like that I know that something is wrong. He told me about a boy in his class that told him today that he cuts himself. He told my son that it makes him feel better when he bleeds, and that he does it often. When class ended my son asked to go to the counselor. He told her what his friend had said. She told him she was proud of him for telling her. That his friend was making a cry for help and that someone had heard him.

I know by coming here I am sharing this with everyone and my son asked me not to tell, but I figure if I leave out names and everything than maybe it wont be so bad. But how can I not tell how proud I am of my son. How proud I am that I am raising a boy who is smart enough to know when to tell. He is compassionate and kind and good. He is so very good.

There are people in this life who play a major role in other peoples lives and they don't even know it. I didn't tell Jill until just a few years ago how she saved my life. I don't know if this kid will come back to my son in 20 years and tell him that he made a difference. I do know that my son will carry it in his heart and to me that makes a difference.

I ran

OK so I was having a hard time deciding what to write about, that is why this is a day late. So I was sitting here and I decided that this is after all a weight loss blog so I should write something about starting at Anytime Fitness. Then it hit me. I RAN! It has been something I have been talking about to my family the last few days, but for some reason it didn't hit me to write about it til about 5 minutes ago.

So I was working out the other night, I got my strength training done so it was cardio time. I get on the treadmill and started walking away. After a few minutes I felt like I was going to slow, so I kicked it up a notch. I did this for about 20 minutes then I said lets do this. I wasn't sprinting. I was doing a light run. When it hit me, I mean really hit me that I was running I started to smile. I smiled like a giddy school girl. I had to look down because I was blushing and smiling. It felt so good. My body didn't ache, I wasn't clomping l like a crazed camel. I was just running. I WAS RUNNING!! My body was doing something I had dreamed about but forgotten. It was automatic, I felt light. I felt free. I felt my lungs begging me for air. I realized at that point I had spent so much time thinking about running I forgot to think about breathing. So I slowed down. But three times in that 50 minute session I ran. I ran a total of 7 minutes. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was 7 glorious minutes where I felt like I could win. My back didn't ache, My boobs didn't give me a black eye or knock out any teeth. My body accepted it and now it is asking for more. Every time I work out I push myself and every time I run.
 

~~~~CANCUN~~~~

We are currently in San Antonio Cardenas, Tabasco, Mexico. Four-hundred and nine miles separates us from our goal. I totally kicked it up this week and next week is going to be kickin. 

Well I am going to say a short prayer and be out.

Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for the wonderful friends and family I have. Thank You helping me to believe in myself. Please watch over us all an help guide us on the paths that You have laid out for us. In Your name we pray. Amen

I asked him

I was working two jobs and going to school. I was trying to make a better life for my kids. I had a string of bad relationships and was in another pointless relationship, when I met him. I was standing outside, waiting for the inventory to be delivered, smoking a cigarette and crying over yet another issue I had to deal with as a single mother. I had seen the delivery guy before but never really paid much attention to him. So I was taken off guard when he looked at me and asked me the question that changed my life. He asked me if I needed a hug. He said that I looked like I needed a hug. And I said I did. He listened as I told him about what was going on and when I was done he told me that I would figure it out mothers were hero's and they always figured it out.


I noticed him after that. I also noticed that I dressed a little nicer on the days delivery came. I still had a boy friend at that time. But I wasn't happy. So one Tuesday when he came to deliver stock I asked him when he was going to pick me up on Saturday. He said I had  a boyfriend. I said I wouldn't on Wednesday. He said than ask me again on Thursday. And I did. That is how I met my husband, my best friend, my co-parent, my partner in crime and life, Dave.

I have asked more of the hims in my life than I had any right to. I have asked my dad to forgive me more times than I can count. I had asked my Grandpa Kelly to let me move in to one of his apartments, even though I had not been the best tenant before. I asked someone I once loved to get help for his problems. I have asked people to leave, I have asked them to stay and I have asked them to save me from me.

The one him I asked so much of is God. I ask him things all the time. I ask his forgiveness often. I ask him to help me stand, to help me walk and sometimes to help me breath. I have asked him questions that I don't really have the right to ask and I have asked questions that have no real answers. Why did my Poppy die? Why did Tim choose drugs over me? Why is my brain wired differently?

I am lucky because Dave and my dad are good men. I ask their forgiveness and they forgive me. They are both good Christians. They love me for who I am, They know that I am not perfect but they know that with their love and Gods love that we can make it through every storm.

I talk to God, I ask him to help guide me in the right direction. He has. I bought my new shoes and some work out clothes and I went to Anytime Fitness and I signed the one year membership.  My Fitness Pal is one of the first websites I click on in the morning and one of the last I visit at night. I asked him to save me and now he is showing me how to do it myself.

~~~~~~CANCUN~~~~~

We are currently in Villahermosa. Villahermosa (Spanish pronunciation: [bi.ʎa.eɾˈmo.sa], Beautiful Village) is the capital city of the Mexican state of Tabasco, and the municipal seat of the Centro municipality. Villahermosa reported a population of 658,524 in the 2005 census, whereas its Centro municipality had 558,524 inhabitants. The municipality covers an area of 1,612 km² (622.4 sq mi). The city is located at 863 kilometers from Mexico City, and 998 kilometers from Cancún, making it the virtual equidistant stopover point between these two world-renowned centers of tourism. We have traveled 2339  miles with 487 left. I think the next time we do this we will pick something a little less industrious lol. But I am so glad we did it.

OK So a small prayer and than we are off for the night.

 Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people in my life. Thank You for all the him's who love me and help me to have a stronger relationship with You. Thank You for my friends and family who read this and give me support, help me on my travels. I will work harder this week to be the daughter I should be to You. God, please look after those who are struggling. Becket and Jenny. Please be with me God as I face this new week ahead. In your name we pray. Amen

A Love Story

When I met you for the first time I was a mess. I was broken, damaged! I needed something to make it all better. To make the pain go away. To make me happy again. And I met you. I didn't fall in love right away. We courted. But as time passed the attraction started to fade and we went our separate ways. You never looked back or wondered. At that time I admit I didn't either. But the time came when I was hurting again and I turned to you once more. We did the dance, we laughed, we cuddled in dreamy sleep. Warm and soft in a lovers haze. I admit I liked you more this time than the last. So when we were no longer allowed to see each other I was heart broken. I needed you, I had to see you. I missed your warmth. I wasn't going to let things come between us. I know what they all said. I don't need you. I am better than that. I'll be OK with out you, in time. But time was so cruel. I could go a day or two, hell, maybe even a week without thinking of you. But you would come to me in my dreams. I would try to distract myself. I would ride my bike. I would talk to God and tell him how much it hurts inside with out you there. Sometimes it got better. When I talked to God and I listened, actually listened, I felt whole again. I had given you up. I was done. I knew you were no good for me anymore.

But things happen. My conversations with God started to dwindle, my faith in myself was low. And I admit, I snuck in to see you. I had to. I needed you. Your familiarity was a blanket I wanted to wrap myself in. But I could only see you in short stints. A stolen kiss here and a slip out there. I think I began to love you more than anything I had ever loved before. So when the chance came for us to be together again. I took it. This time I didn't have to hide it. Everyone knew about you. I wasn't ashamed anymore. Amazing part is they all accepted you in my life. Every where I went you were with me. When we did have to separate I made sure to find a way back to you, no matter what it took.

I didn't realize how much control I had given you til I was WAY past the point of letting you go on my own. I couldn't do anything without you there. I couldn't shower alone. I couldn't go out with my friends, I couldn't go out and play with my kids. I couldn't have thoughts of my own without you in my head bringing me down. You were destroying my life. I knew that if I didn't quit you and quit you for good I was going to end up hurting myself, if not killing myself. I had already effected so many other people. My friends were beginning to wonder why I was acting so strange all the time. My husband knew about you. I mean actually KNEW about you and he was done with you too. I knew that I had to end it once and for all. I thought it was going to be hard, and it was, but it wasn't as bad as I had thought. I realized that for a while it sucked. But the sun kept shining and the world kept spinning. Things became brighter again. People would tell me about things I had said or done and I was mortified. I apologized to them and told them the truth. I wasn't myself back then. I was hooked on Vicodin.

Yes, Vicodin. My blanket, my comfort, my escape, my peace. Vicodin, my artificial savior. It has been 4 years since I quit you. I miss you. I miss you as much as I miss your friend cigarette, and I quit him 6 years ago. It's hard some days to get past it. I have to tell Dr.s not to give me pain pills because I am addicted. There is a certain shame that comes with saying it. And a certain sense of pride too. I know I failed and I fell. I know I was lost and I stumbled. But I talked to God, and I talked to my family and I was honest. 100%. I couldn't have done it without them. They gave Lex Vicodin when she had her wisdom teeth pulled. It has been a struggle. I wanted to go and find them and take a few just to remember. But I know better and I walked away. I talked to Dave and told him how I felt. He didn't criticize me for having my feelings like I did. He just reminded me how much better off I am without. That's why I'm writing this. I'm telling you.

I love you like a Tomato

I was 13, a freshman in high school, when my friend said I looked like an over stuffed sausage in the body suit I was wearing. Yes, body suit. The ones that were all the rage in the 80/90's She didn't say it to my face, it was one of those behind the back things. I was so hurt. She was so beautiful, tall and thin and pretty. She was everything all of my guy friends wanted in a girl. So I took it extremely hard. I think at that time I was all of 130. But I always had big boobs. It's a curse in High School, let me tell you! But that is besides the point. I felt like I was fat. So I went on an unrealistic diet. All I ate was salad. During this time my Grandma went out of town and my family was house sitting for her. So I took my salad obsession to her house too. I ALWAYS had lettuce and tomato on hand. My mom was really good about having them there. But for some reason that day I had only 1 tomato. One lousy red, ripe, delicious tomato. And my sister ate it. She ate it, SHE ATE IT DAMN IT, and I was furious. My bi-polar teenage brain was obsessed with the loss of my tomato. MY tomato, that my mom bought me. How dare she hate me so much that she ate my tomato. What was I going to do for dinner? How was I going to survive? It wasn't fair! I bitched and I moaned and I cried and I think I even threatened to walk to the store my damn self to get a new tomato. Finally my dad seeing that there was NO other way to shut me up, besides beating the crap out of me, took me to the store to get a damn tomato. All of a sudden I was happy. My blood stopped boiling, the steam stopped coming out of my ears, my rage had ended. But I wouldn't let my sister off the hook. When we got home my dad stopped me in the driveway and talked to me. I honestly don't remember what was said, only that my behavior was unacceptable. My response was she shouldn't have eaten my tomato. I think I was in the hospital not to long after that.

I don't think I have ever been that passionate about a tomato since. But I have been obsessively passionate about so many other things. Once its stuck in my brain I will short circuit before I let it go. So when I see that bag of Frito's sitting on the shelf or that last piece of meatloaf sitting on the fridge I start to twitch. I talk to myself, I don't need it, I don't want it, I'm OK without it. Be strong Tina, BE STRONG! I will read or watch t.v. I will try to sleep, shower, play on the computer. But all I can think about is that bag of Frito's. How the salty corn chip dances on my tongue. The crunch, like food music. I might possibly be able to sleep, but when the dog wakes me at 2:30 to go out, the Frito's are the first thing on my mind. I'll pace the kitchen. Walk past them two, three or ten times. I'll go to the bathroom. But eventually I cave. So I stand in the kitchen in the dark and eat a bag of Frito's, that in all honesty are greasy and unsatisfying. I know my behavior is unacceptable. I know that I am out of control. But I can't seem to see my way out of that obsessive moment.

Monday I start my membership to ANYTIME FITNESS I am excited! I bought some new shoes. New Balance. They are pretty sweet!. I also bought an arm band for my mp3 player. I am tired of sticking it between my boobs.

Just because I am going to start going to ANYTIME FITNESS it doesn't mean I am going to stop mall walking with Becky. This week between Becky and walking with Tators I racked up 16 miles. Becky joined me with 14 and my mom had 10 miles, Dana 20 and Stephanie had 5. I know about how many Micci and Kritty got so I put them in as an estimate. This week we did 93 miles. We have now covered 2248 miles. We are in Bellos Horizontes Mexico. I cant really find anything about this area so I am just going to leave it at this. We have 578 miles til Cancun. Mexican party here we come!

Well I am going to say a little prayer and then go comfort my daughter. She had her wisdom teeth pulled yesterday. Poor kid looks like she has two cheeks full of fluff. Her face is very puffy.

Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for the family who surrounds me and loves me. Thank You for helping to guide me away from the things I obsess over. Please help me to be strong when I am struggling. God please be with those who are struggling. With my friend Beckett as she heals from her cancer surgery. Please be with Jim as he tries to figure out how to free himself from the grips of alcohol. Please be with those who fight the demons inside. Those whose wars are never one, whose obsessions drown them, and those who can't see any other way out. We are all Your children and without You we are lost. In Your name we pray. Amen

I LOVE YOU LIKE A TOMATO .  
A great book that I recommend to anyone. Its a little different but so very very good!