Today my baby Confirmed. She was the only one in her class and as Pastor was starting the sermon he told her, "Alexis, I have been wanting to tell you this for 2 years now. You are in a class all your own!" His sermon was so heartfelt and he spoke directly to her. You are in a class all your own he reminded her. He talked about how she likes a challenge and he presented one to her of his own. Fight the good Fight! Be a good Christian! Fight the good Fight! Be a good person! Fight the good Fight! Live the life that God wants you to live! Fight the good Fight!
I am so proud of my daughter. I shed a few tears when we got to the church, and a few more before service. I shed a few (more than a few) during the sermon. He spoke of how we have told her in our own way that we love her and that we are proud of her and that we are blessed to have her in our lives and all I could do was look at her and smile and think, "My baby, is becoming a young woman, and she IS in a class all her own!" I shed tears when we went to the alter and she was blessed. Later at my moms when we were all getting ready to eat and I asked to lead the prayer I had tears then. And now here I am typing this and for the first time all day I think the tears are ready to take over.
I am so proud of the person my daughter is becoming. She has her battles that she fights and I know she struggles. But I know there isn't anything she can't over come. She has an amazing support system of friends and family that make sure she loved and cherished every step of the way.
I love you Alexis. You are my best girl... You ARE in a Class all Your own!!
Dear God, Thank You for today!. Thank You for my wonderful daughter and the amazing family I have that have helped her to get where she is today. I know that she will fight the good fight and I know that she will grow to be a good Christian. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for the blessings You have given to me. Amen
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I owe it to my mom
I was 15 the year my Great-Gram died. It was right before Mothers Day and I just thought how heart breaking, my grandma was now an orphan. She didn't have a mom anymore to celebrate Mothers Day with. Gram was my first real loss. I had never felt pain like that before in my life. It didn't register to me. I just knew that I felt like my world was falling apart.
Twenty Mother's Day's have come and gone since then. Today was another hard one. Because I knew inside that more than likely it will be the last one I have with my Grandma Kelly. Of course like everyone else I hope and I pray for the best, but I know inside that God has a different plan. I talked with her today. I held her hand and I talked to her. We laughed and we teared up, we joked and we smiled. She told me how much she loved me and I told her how much I loved her and I asked her if she was ready and she said she was. There was no miscommunication. I wasn't asking if she was ready for pie and she wasn't telling me she was ready to read the paper. She told me that she was ready to go home and that when the time was right that she knew we would all be ok. I told her that she didn't have to worry about us we can all suck it up and deal. She told me she had been a good Christian her whole life and she didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I told her in the end that would be a good thing. That God is waiting on the other side and that he loves her. When she felt the time was right to close her eyes, then there were people waiting for her. And she said Thank you.
I know sometimes I say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people and I know I piss a lot of people off. I have been doing it a lot lately. But I think this time I said something she needed to hear. My grandma is an amazing woman and I can not sit here and talk about her without getting tears in my eyes. The world is a better place because she has spent the past 79 years in it. I would love to have 5 more years with her, but not the way she is now. Not with the cancer, not with the pain, not with the sadness. Dave told me today some people want to hold onto the teddy bear no matter how beat up the teddy bear is they just cant let go.
I have amazing women in my life. My grandmas who are wonderful and funny and kind and I am so blessed to have them. Happy Mothers Day to you both, Grandma Kelly and Grandma Maureen. My sisters who were my first friends and my first rivals. You have both taught me how to laugh and love, how to fight and how to stand up for myself. You have been there for me when I have fallen and you have helped me back up when I felt to weak to stand. We don't see eye to eye, were weren't meant to, but we are all connected heart to heart and I cant imagine a life where I don't have you. Dana and Micci I love you both.
Now my Mom. You have been my biggest advocate for 35 years. In a time where mental illness was taboo you stood up for me. you didn't sweep me under the rug. You found treatment for me and I know the words were hard to say but you didn't deny me, You said my daughter is sick and I am going to help her. I can not begin to tell you how much that means to me. As an adult I look at people and I think how much their lives would be different if their parents had maybe just taken the leap of faith you did and sought treatment. I know I have been difficult, trying, aggravating. But I never do it on purpose. I have always wanted to be as good a mother as you. I have always thought to myself would my mom be proud of me. If the answer is no than I need to rethink what I am doing. I haven't always made you proud, I know, but I want you to know that there isn't anyone else in the world I would ever want to call Mom!
Twenty Mother's Day's have come and gone since then. Today was another hard one. Because I knew inside that more than likely it will be the last one I have with my Grandma Kelly. Of course like everyone else I hope and I pray for the best, but I know inside that God has a different plan. I talked with her today. I held her hand and I talked to her. We laughed and we teared up, we joked and we smiled. She told me how much she loved me and I told her how much I loved her and I asked her if she was ready and she said she was. There was no miscommunication. I wasn't asking if she was ready for pie and she wasn't telling me she was ready to read the paper. She told me that she was ready to go home and that when the time was right that she knew we would all be ok. I told her that she didn't have to worry about us we can all suck it up and deal. She told me she had been a good Christian her whole life and she didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I told her in the end that would be a good thing. That God is waiting on the other side and that he loves her. When she felt the time was right to close her eyes, then there were people waiting for her. And she said Thank you.
I know sometimes I say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people and I know I piss a lot of people off. I have been doing it a lot lately. But I think this time I said something she needed to hear. My grandma is an amazing woman and I can not sit here and talk about her without getting tears in my eyes. The world is a better place because she has spent the past 79 years in it. I would love to have 5 more years with her, but not the way she is now. Not with the cancer, not with the pain, not with the sadness. Dave told me today some people want to hold onto the teddy bear no matter how beat up the teddy bear is they just cant let go.
I have amazing women in my life. My grandmas who are wonderful and funny and kind and I am so blessed to have them. Happy Mothers Day to you both, Grandma Kelly and Grandma Maureen. My sisters who were my first friends and my first rivals. You have both taught me how to laugh and love, how to fight and how to stand up for myself. You have been there for me when I have fallen and you have helped me back up when I felt to weak to stand. We don't see eye to eye, were weren't meant to, but we are all connected heart to heart and I cant imagine a life where I don't have you. Dana and Micci I love you both.
Now my Mom. You have been my biggest advocate for 35 years. In a time where mental illness was taboo you stood up for me. you didn't sweep me under the rug. You found treatment for me and I know the words were hard to say but you didn't deny me, You said my daughter is sick and I am going to help her. I can not begin to tell you how much that means to me. As an adult I look at people and I think how much their lives would be different if their parents had maybe just taken the leap of faith you did and sought treatment. I know I have been difficult, trying, aggravating. But I never do it on purpose. I have always wanted to be as good a mother as you. I have always thought to myself would my mom be proud of me. If the answer is no than I need to rethink what I am doing. I haven't always made you proud, I know, but I want you to know that there isn't anyone else in the world I would ever want to call Mom!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Lets not pretend
Lets not pretend that this is a normal post because it isn't. It's not Sunday. I'm not going to talk about the miles we logged in or the weight that was lost or gained. I'm going to talk about something else.
I have been spiraling for a while now. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you name it I am there. I have been angry at myself and others. I hurt inside in ways I cant describe. Every day I dream about, think about, visualize killing myself. I won't do it. I can't do it. I made a promise to myself and my kids. I could never do that to them. I could never tell them that they are not good enough that they are not worthy enough. That I don't care enough about them to consider the pain it would cause them if I did this. But that doesn't mean I don't visualize it every day. I dream at night about being abducted, tortured, raped and murdered, when I talked to my therapist about it I told her I felt like that is what I felt I deserved. How horrible is that? I am not a bad person, so why do I feel that I deserve to be treated so badly? I don't know but I do.
I didn't work out yesterday. I could barely get myself to leave the house yesterday. It was hot and humid and I was curled up in a warm fuzzy blanket and I was still cold inside. I feel empty. I feel hollow. There is back ground noise to drown out the sound of nothing and then I go outside to drown out the thoughts in my own head. All I want is to sleep, truth be told, but I cant sleep at night when I need to sleep the most. Then I lay there and look into the darkness and wonder why I am like this, why I got stuck in this world? Why I got stuck with BiPolar? Why couldn't I get the OCD? Why couldn't I be smart or something freaking productive or something other than this, why do I have to go through this?
I know there are people who look at me and wonder why I don't just get my shit together and straighten up. I know there are people in my own family who don't believe me, or who look down their noses at me and even if they don't realize that they do it the rest of the world sure does. I don't want to be like this, I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I want to be your friend. I want to be involved. I want to be around and be happy and comfortable. But when I am ready to come out of my skin and my head is swimming and I want to throw up and I feel out of place and I want to cry because it hurts to breath a guilt trip is the last thing I need. I don't think you realize how deep a guilt trip hits. How much I agonize over what it is I have done or what it is I am not doing. I don't think anyone knows how much I cry. I don't fit. I'm the sixth finger for a 5 finger glove.
I used to be able to walk into the church and feel like I was home. Now I walk into the church and I feel like a liar. I haven't committed any sins. I haven't changed religion or anything. But I just feel like I am not worthy of God and I don't belong there either. I know that God loves me. I know that I am his child and I know that I should find some comfort in his word. But right now I find nothing.
Dave says that he is proud of me for being so honest about my depression. For facing it head on. He says that my attitude has helped him to look at things differently and as long as we can keep talking that things will be ok. I am glad that my depression is helping someone.
I have things to do today that frankly I don't want to do. I really just want to lay here and zone out. But I can't I have to do them. Some days I hate breathing, it means I'm still here. Today is one of those days.
I have been spiraling for a while now. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you name it I am there. I have been angry at myself and others. I hurt inside in ways I cant describe. Every day I dream about, think about, visualize killing myself. I won't do it. I can't do it. I made a promise to myself and my kids. I could never do that to them. I could never tell them that they are not good enough that they are not worthy enough. That I don't care enough about them to consider the pain it would cause them if I did this. But that doesn't mean I don't visualize it every day. I dream at night about being abducted, tortured, raped and murdered, when I talked to my therapist about it I told her I felt like that is what I felt I deserved. How horrible is that? I am not a bad person, so why do I feel that I deserve to be treated so badly? I don't know but I do.
I didn't work out yesterday. I could barely get myself to leave the house yesterday. It was hot and humid and I was curled up in a warm fuzzy blanket and I was still cold inside. I feel empty. I feel hollow. There is back ground noise to drown out the sound of nothing and then I go outside to drown out the thoughts in my own head. All I want is to sleep, truth be told, but I cant sleep at night when I need to sleep the most. Then I lay there and look into the darkness and wonder why I am like this, why I got stuck in this world? Why I got stuck with BiPolar? Why couldn't I get the OCD? Why couldn't I be smart or something freaking productive or something other than this, why do I have to go through this?
I know there are people who look at me and wonder why I don't just get my shit together and straighten up. I know there are people in my own family who don't believe me, or who look down their noses at me and even if they don't realize that they do it the rest of the world sure does. I don't want to be like this, I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I want to be your friend. I want to be involved. I want to be around and be happy and comfortable. But when I am ready to come out of my skin and my head is swimming and I want to throw up and I feel out of place and I want to cry because it hurts to breath a guilt trip is the last thing I need. I don't think you realize how deep a guilt trip hits. How much I agonize over what it is I have done or what it is I am not doing. I don't think anyone knows how much I cry. I don't fit. I'm the sixth finger for a 5 finger glove.
I used to be able to walk into the church and feel like I was home. Now I walk into the church and I feel like a liar. I haven't committed any sins. I haven't changed religion or anything. But I just feel like I am not worthy of God and I don't belong there either. I know that God loves me. I know that I am his child and I know that I should find some comfort in his word. But right now I find nothing.
Dave says that he is proud of me for being so honest about my depression. For facing it head on. He says that my attitude has helped him to look at things differently and as long as we can keep talking that things will be ok. I am glad that my depression is helping someone.
I have things to do today that frankly I don't want to do. I really just want to lay here and zone out. But I can't I have to do them. Some days I hate breathing, it means I'm still here. Today is one of those days.
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