Lets not pretend

Lets not pretend that this is a normal post because it isn't. It's not Sunday. I'm not going to talk about the miles we logged in or the weight that was lost or gained. I'm going to talk about something else.

I have been spiraling for a while now. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you name it I am there. I have been angry at myself and others. I hurt inside in ways I cant describe. Every day I dream about, think about, visualize killing myself. I won't do it. I can't do it. I made a promise to myself and my kids. I could never do that to them. I could never tell them that they are not good enough that they are not worthy enough. That I don't care enough about them to consider the pain it would cause them if I did this. But that doesn't mean I don't visualize it every day. I dream at night about being abducted, tortured, raped and murdered, when I talked to my therapist about it I told her I felt like that is what I felt I deserved. How horrible is that? I am not a bad person, so why do I feel that I deserve to be treated so badly? I don't know but I do.

I didn't work out yesterday. I could barely get myself to leave the house yesterday. It was hot and humid and I was curled up in a warm fuzzy blanket and I was still cold inside. I feel empty. I feel hollow. There is back ground noise to drown out the sound of nothing and then I go outside to drown out the thoughts in my own head. All I want is to sleep, truth be told, but I cant sleep at night when I need to sleep the most. Then I lay there and look into the darkness and wonder why I am like this, why I got stuck in this world? Why I got stuck with BiPolar? Why couldn't I get the OCD? Why couldn't I be smart or something freaking productive or something other than this, why do I have to go through this?

I know there are people who look at me and wonder why I don't just get my shit together and straighten up. I know there are people in my own family who don't believe me, or who look down their noses at me and even if they don't realize that they do it the rest of the world sure does. I don't want to be like this, I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I want to be your friend. I want to be involved. I want to be around and be happy and comfortable. But when I am ready to come out of my skin and my head is swimming and I want to throw up and I feel out of place and I want to cry because it hurts to breath a guilt trip is the last thing I need. I don't think you realize how deep a guilt trip hits. How much I agonize over what it is I have done or what it is I am not doing. I don't think anyone knows how much I cry. I don't fit. I'm the sixth finger for a 5 finger glove.

I used to be able to walk into the church and feel like I was home. Now I walk into the church and I feel like a liar. I haven't committed any sins. I haven't changed religion or anything. But I just feel like I am not worthy of God and I don't belong there either. I know that God loves me. I know that I am his child and I know that I should find some comfort in his word. But right now I find nothing.

Dave says that he is proud of me for being so honest about my depression. For facing it head on. He says that my attitude has helped him to look at things differently and as long as we can keep talking that things will be ok. I am glad that my depression is helping someone.

I have things to do today that frankly I don't want to do. I really just want to lay here and zone out. But I can't I have to do them. Some days I hate breathing, it means I'm still here. Today is one of those days.