I owe it to my mom

I was 15 the year my Great-Gram died. It was right before Mothers Day and I just thought how heart breaking, my grandma was now an orphan. She didn't have a mom anymore to celebrate Mothers Day with. Gram was my first real loss. I had never felt pain like that before in my life. It didn't register to me. I just knew that I felt like my world was falling apart.

Twenty Mother's Day's have come and gone since then. Today was another hard one. Because I knew inside that more than likely it will be the last one I have with my Grandma Kelly. Of course like everyone else I hope and I pray for the best, but I know inside that God has a different plan. I talked with her today. I held her hand and I talked to her. We laughed and we teared up, we joked and we smiled. She told me how much she loved me and I told her how much I loved her and I asked her if she was ready and she said she was. There was no miscommunication. I wasn't asking if she was ready for pie and she wasn't telling me she was ready to read the paper. She told me that she was ready to go home and that when the time was right that she knew we would all be ok. I told her that she didn't have to worry about us we can all suck it up and deal. She told me she had been a good Christian her whole life and she didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I told her in the end that would be a good thing. That God is waiting on the other side and that he loves her. When she felt the time was right to close her eyes, then there were people waiting for her. And she said Thank you.

I know sometimes I say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people and I know I piss a lot of people off. I have been doing it a lot lately. But I think this time I said something she needed to hear. My grandma is an amazing woman and I can not sit here and talk about her without getting tears in my eyes. The world is a better place because she has spent the past 79 years in it. I would love to have 5 more years with her, but not the way she is now. Not with the cancer, not with the pain, not with the sadness. Dave told me today some people want to hold onto the teddy bear no matter how beat up the teddy bear is they just cant let go.

I have amazing women in my life. My grandmas who are wonderful and funny and kind and I am so blessed to have them. Happy Mothers Day to you both, Grandma Kelly and Grandma Maureen. My sisters who were my first friends and my first rivals. You have both taught me how to laugh and love, how to fight and how to stand up for myself. You have been there for me when I have fallen and you have helped me back up when I felt to weak to stand. We don't see eye to eye, were weren't meant to, but we are all connected heart to heart and I cant imagine a life where I don't have you. Dana and Micci I love you both.

Now my Mom. You have been my biggest advocate for 35 years. In a time where mental illness was taboo you stood up for me. you didn't sweep me under the rug. You found treatment for me and I know the words were hard to say but you didn't deny me, You said my daughter is sick and I am going to help her. I can not begin to tell you how much that means to me. As an adult I look at people and I think how much their lives would be different if their parents had maybe just taken the leap of faith you did and sought treatment. I know I have been difficult, trying, aggravating. But I never do it on purpose. I have always wanted to be as good a mother as you. I have always thought to myself would my mom be proud of me. If the answer is no than I need to rethink what I am doing. I haven't always made you proud, I know, but I want you to know that there isn't anyone else in the world I would ever want to call Mom!