Becky has been my best friend since I moved out here 10 years ago. We talk on a daily basis and we share everything. In those years I have been there for her when she had her son, I hit the treadmill with her when she lost weight, I laughed with her, I talked with her, We have always been there for each other. But I don't remember a time when I saw Becky cry, that is until last night.
In the darkness of night with nothing to guide our paths but the soft glow of luminary markers my best friend and I held on to each other and cried. We cried, no we sobbed together. We said nothing, we just cried. Kevin joined us and the three of us stood there silently remembering those we had lost to Cancer and those who are still fighting their battles and those who have survived to celebrate one more birthday.
I knew yesterday that I was doing something that would deeply effect me. But I didn't understand the power of Relay For Life, until I spent a day walking the track. I didn't know the overwhelming emotion until I listened to their stories. I had no idea the compassion til I embraced those who walked with me. I hugged so many people. I listened to them, I REALLY listened to them. I felt like I was a part of something that was and is beyond myself. My words will fail me, but I will still try.
Our group was small. Becky, Kevin and his wife Danielle, Beth and her son Vince, Brittany, Anthony, Miranda, Bobby, Antowan and his friend. We were the small group from Anytime Fitness. This was our first year so we were a little clueless. But we figured it all out. Becky and I made a "torch" out of things in our cars. You are supposed to have someone from your team walking at all times. That person is supposed to carry the torch. I think the torch should go to Beth. Beth was amazing. When I left at 12:30 a.m. she was on her 108th lap. Twenty-seven miles in twelve hours! I managed 10. My feet were blistered and moving was incredibly painful, but I was proud of what I had done. I am proud of what all of us did.
I was alright most of the day. I walked and talked and listened to the music. I may have even done a little dance. When they did the survivor lap I couldn't help the tears coming to my eyes. It wasn't until a woman came around the corner that the true impact hit me. She was an older woman. Her hair was grey and thin. Her eyes were tired but still she smiled. Her white survivor sash hung loosely over her Purple survivor shirt. Caregivers walked with her. One pushed her wheelchair while the other two walked by her side. She reminded me of my Grandma Kelly. There were couples walking together. Holding each other, some laughing, some crying, but all of them smiled because they were survivors. When the lap passed us I walked away and I sat by myself and I bawled. What I would give to have my Grandma there with a survivor sash on. But I don't know, you never know with Cancer! I can hope and pray all I want that she will beat it. But Cancer plays by its own rules.
I walked the caregiver lap for my father-in-law. For the last 4 months of his life I was one of his caregivers. If you have never been a caregiver to someone who is dying from Cancer it is hard to explain, but another caretaker understands. I saw a woman walking with a man and his arm was holding her. I stopped next to her and I asked her if I could hug her. She willingly opened her arms and this stranger and I cried together. I may have been able to survive the rest of the lap if I hadn't seen my sister-in-law Tracy and my niece Meghan. Tracy's dad was my father-in-law. I embraced her and told her just how much I miss him and she told me how much she missed him too. She came to our tent and made a luminary bag for him and we put it along the path. Tracy only stopped for a moment, but it was a moment I will remember forever.
Some people had bags that stretched out in front of them like a wall of remembrance. We had a small wall, but every brick, every bag was a mountain of love. I made bags for my Grandpa Kelly who survived lung Cancer and lived another 25 years. When he left us in 2006 it wasn't the Cancer that took him. I made a bag for his wife, Grandma Kelly, who is still fighting the good fight. I made a bag for my father-in-law, Al Morse. He lost his battle with esophageal Cancer in 2005. I made a bag for Grandpa Jim, he was Lexi's grandpa, he had lung Cancer that spread to his brain. We lost him in 2004. I made a bag for Beckett. She is a survivor. Thyroid Cancer couldn't dim her light. Becky made bags for her sisters who are both survivors. She made them for Aunts and cousins. Kevin made one for his dad. His dad passed away last year from prostate cancer.
When night fell we all gathered at the head of the track and we listened as two women told their tales. The tears danced down my cheeks and down my neck. I chose not to wipe them away, they would just keep coming. I happened to look over and see Kevin standing there. He was so still so quiet but I realized he was crying. I wrapped my arms around him and held him until the luminary lap began. They turned out all the lights at the track and the only things guiding us were the small white bags with the names and faces of those we love and have loved glowing softly. So many names, so many lives, memories, stories, so very many tears.
That was when I saw my best friend cry.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
My second 5K completed
I did it! My second 5K was another amazing experience. I finished in 49 minutes. That is 3 minutes less than my first 5K. I probably could have done better but I didn't think and my feet were on fire because it felt like I was walking on glass. We had gone to the water park 2 days before and walking on the cement barefoot all day caused my feet to be a little raw. But oh well. I still finished.
The first mile was hot and in the sun, but it was flat and that was nice. I did the most running in that mile. It felt so good and so hot, but the good won out. I was doing it. I was jogging/shuffling my way to the end. There was sweat dripping off of me. The music pumpin in my ears (from my awesome ass headphones) kept me moving forward. But all good things come to an end.
Mile two was the complete opposite. Shady and cooler with a never ending roller coaster of hills. Now I am a slow shuffle/jogger at best, so hills are not my strong suit. A few times I wanted to call it quits. I was sore and hot and embarrassed that I was struggling so much. But I know that the hills would end and I would be that much closer to the end. So when I took that left onto Lake Front Drive I was so damn happy I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.
Home stretch! I tried to move a little faster but my feet were on fire by that time. Every step was agony. But I could see it. I saw the finish line and there was no way in hell I was going to end it before than. So I did it. I pushed harder, I conquered it. I wasn't 5th to last this time. There were still a lot of people behind me.
After the race Becky, Kevin, Antowan and I took a refreshing dip in the lake. It was magic, wonderful, cold, refreshing and fun. If I can jump in a lake every time I run a race I would be a very happy camper.
I won my own personal race. Next time I am going to win it again. But I am going to own it! I am going to shave time off. That requires me to get out there and move my ass. Tonight I will hit the treadmill. Tomorrow morning I am gonna bring it on the beach. I am going to run 1 mile before I jump into the lake and cool off.
.
Check it out:Necktie 5K
I have a long way to go. I need to get myself to that place again where exercising makes me feel empowered. I'm still happy when I work out, but I want to learn to love it. I want to be a runner. The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. I have 6200 steps under my belt. I hope the next 1,993,800 steps are hard and sweaty and fully rewarding.
The first mile was hot and in the sun, but it was flat and that was nice. I did the most running in that mile. It felt so good and so hot, but the good won out. I was doing it. I was jogging/shuffling my way to the end. There was sweat dripping off of me. The music pumpin in my ears (from my awesome ass headphones) kept me moving forward. But all good things come to an end.
Mile two was the complete opposite. Shady and cooler with a never ending roller coaster of hills. Now I am a slow shuffle/jogger at best, so hills are not my strong suit. A few times I wanted to call it quits. I was sore and hot and embarrassed that I was struggling so much. But I know that the hills would end and I would be that much closer to the end. So when I took that left onto Lake Front Drive I was so damn happy I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.
Home stretch! I tried to move a little faster but my feet were on fire by that time. Every step was agony. But I could see it. I saw the finish line and there was no way in hell I was going to end it before than. So I did it. I pushed harder, I conquered it. I wasn't 5th to last this time. There were still a lot of people behind me.
After the race Becky, Kevin, Antowan and I took a refreshing dip in the lake. It was magic, wonderful, cold, refreshing and fun. If I can jump in a lake every time I run a race I would be a very happy camper.
I won my own personal race. Next time I am going to win it again. But I am going to own it! I am going to shave time off. That requires me to get out there and move my ass. Tonight I will hit the treadmill. Tomorrow morning I am gonna bring it on the beach. I am going to run 1 mile before I jump into the lake and cool off.
.Check it out:Necktie 5K
I have a long way to go. I need to get myself to that place again where exercising makes me feel empowered. I'm still happy when I work out, but I want to learn to love it. I want to be a runner. The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. I have 6200 steps under my belt. I hope the next 1,993,800 steps are hard and sweaty and fully rewarding.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
The dad I needed you to be
Biology doesn't make someone a dad any more than a tiara makes me the Queen! Any male can be a father, it takes someone amazing to be a dad. I am blessed to have someone like that as my dad. I just didn't really know it til I was older. I was a major pain in his ass when I was growing up. I know he asked my grandma, Why can't she just shut up? I guess I just had a lot to say, shocking right? I try not to annoy him as much as I used to and he always knows that I will be going home soon so he smiles and shakes his head.
My dad...
I don't know if I explained this before when I was talking about my mom but I am going to go over it again so everyone knows. My dad is mine. He is my sister Micci's and my sister Dana's also. But when we speak we always say "My mom" or "My dad". Even when we are talking to each other. Dana is a little better about saying mom or dad. But Micci and I almost always refer to them as mine. Just a little background info there.
Anywho, my dad, my ABBA (look up the definition, I am not calling my dad the dancing queen). I can't tell you how many times this man has saved me. When I was in high school he tackled me as I tried to run out of the house. My intentions were to kill myself and thanks to a friend of mine, Jill, my parents knew what was going on. My dad saved me from me. When I was having a crisis of faith after Poppy died it was my dad who comforted me and helped me to find my way. My dad has been a rock. He has always been there for me to lean on even when he himself wasn't strong. I remember when we found out he had M.S. I can't tell you how scared I was. My biological father had left me and hadn't looked back. Truth is I don't think I ever really knew him, only that he didn't want to be a father anymore. I was terrified that my dad was going to die and that would be two fathers I had lost. By the way, that little nugget of information has taken me YEARS of therapy to get to. So I hated him. I fought with him, I turned away from him and I tried very hard not to love him. I was afraid of the heart break I would have to live with if he left me too. But he never did.
My parents have been married for 31 years. When I was 4 years old my dad saved me. He adopted me. He gave me his name. I stood before a judge and when he asked me if I wanted him to be my dad I said he already is. Now this is a memory of a 4 year old. If this is not how it happened please do not tell me otherwise. It is a cherished memory that I want to keep. He gave me his name. He told everyone in the world that he LOVED ME enough that he wanted me to be his daughter. I may not always live up to the name he gave me but I know I have always been proud to have his name.
I dated men like my bio. I had kids with men like my bio. But in the end I married a man just like my dad. Dave is the other man in my life who saved me. He too gave me his name. I am proud to be his wife. He is a great father. Like my dad he has always treated my kids like they are his own. Some days I see it in the things that he says or does and I realize he may not have been in the room when they were born but he has been there for all the other milestones along the way. It didn't take biology it just a moment in time and a hug.
I have been blessed with many great men in my life. All of them teaching me as I went along the way. I think of them often. I talk about them with my kids. Sometimes we cry, sometimes we laugh, but most of the time we smile and say, "Yeah, he was a great man. I miss him, too"
So here's to all of them. For Poppy and Grandpa Kelly, Happy Fathers Day. I miss you! To Al 'Papa' Morse, Happy Fathers Day. I miss you. To my Great-Grandpa Don, Happy Fathers Day! I am glad we have the chance to celebrate another one together. To my amazingly wonderful husband, Dave, Happy Fathers Day. We love you!
To my Dad, Daddy, Papa Bear, Beef and every other name we have affectionately called you over the years. Happy Father's Day! Thank You for being the dad I needed you to be.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for being the Father we as your children have needed you to be. Thank You for saving me, for loving me enough to call me your child. Thank You for helping me to grow, for forgiving me my sins and knowing I am imperfect and loving me anyway. Thank You for the wonderful men in my life. Amen
My dad...
I don't know if I explained this before when I was talking about my mom but I am going to go over it again so everyone knows. My dad is mine. He is my sister Micci's and my sister Dana's also. But when we speak we always say "My mom" or "My dad". Even when we are talking to each other. Dana is a little better about saying mom or dad. But Micci and I almost always refer to them as mine. Just a little background info there.
Anywho, my dad, my ABBA (look up the definition, I am not calling my dad the dancing queen). I can't tell you how many times this man has saved me. When I was in high school he tackled me as I tried to run out of the house. My intentions were to kill myself and thanks to a friend of mine, Jill, my parents knew what was going on. My dad saved me from me. When I was having a crisis of faith after Poppy died it was my dad who comforted me and helped me to find my way. My dad has been a rock. He has always been there for me to lean on even when he himself wasn't strong. I remember when we found out he had M.S. I can't tell you how scared I was. My biological father had left me and hadn't looked back. Truth is I don't think I ever really knew him, only that he didn't want to be a father anymore. I was terrified that my dad was going to die and that would be two fathers I had lost. By the way, that little nugget of information has taken me YEARS of therapy to get to. So I hated him. I fought with him, I turned away from him and I tried very hard not to love him. I was afraid of the heart break I would have to live with if he left me too. But he never did.
My parents have been married for 31 years. When I was 4 years old my dad saved me. He adopted me. He gave me his name. I stood before a judge and when he asked me if I wanted him to be my dad I said he already is. Now this is a memory of a 4 year old. If this is not how it happened please do not tell me otherwise. It is a cherished memory that I want to keep. He gave me his name. He told everyone in the world that he LOVED ME enough that he wanted me to be his daughter. I may not always live up to the name he gave me but I know I have always been proud to have his name.
I dated men like my bio. I had kids with men like my bio. But in the end I married a man just like my dad. Dave is the other man in my life who saved me. He too gave me his name. I am proud to be his wife. He is a great father. Like my dad he has always treated my kids like they are his own. Some days I see it in the things that he says or does and I realize he may not have been in the room when they were born but he has been there for all the other milestones along the way. It didn't take biology it just a moment in time and a hug.
I have been blessed with many great men in my life. All of them teaching me as I went along the way. I think of them often. I talk about them with my kids. Sometimes we cry, sometimes we laugh, but most of the time we smile and say, "Yeah, he was a great man. I miss him, too"
So here's to all of them. For Poppy and Grandpa Kelly, Happy Fathers Day. I miss you! To Al 'Papa' Morse, Happy Fathers Day. I miss you. To my Great-Grandpa Don, Happy Fathers Day! I am glad we have the chance to celebrate another one together. To my amazingly wonderful husband, Dave, Happy Fathers Day. We love you!
To my Dad, Daddy, Papa Bear, Beef and every other name we have affectionately called you over the years. Happy Father's Day! Thank You for being the dad I needed you to be.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for being the Father we as your children have needed you to be. Thank You for saving me, for loving me enough to call me your child. Thank You for helping me to grow, for forgiving me my sins and knowing I am imperfect and loving me anyway. Thank You for the wonderful men in my life. Amen
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I am not ready, but I'm going to do it anyway
Have you ever had shin splints? If you haven't let me describe them for you. It feels like the calf muscles are detaching them selves from my shins. It feels like my legs are being ripped open. Every step was excruciating pain. My calves twisted in knots screaming as I try to get my ass home. Shin Splints are a nightmare. I know these are shin splints because I had them in high school when I ran track. Yes,I ran track. I ran the 100 and 200 yard dash. I quit though. It wasn't that I wasn't good it was that I was lazy and I didn't do the work I needed to do. But that is a story for an other day.
So my 5K training has been slow. But I have a week left and I am going to go out there and try again and again and again. I just have to make sure to stretch better and take it slow.
I don't care if I don't run the whole thing. I know I wont. I just want to do it and beat my last time. My last one I did in 52 minutes. I want to take 5 minutes off of that and I will be happy. Once again Austin will be joining me. He cracks my up. But he likes it and I think that is great. Now if only I had his energy. Then I could get it done a lot easier. Either way i am going to be proud of myself for doing it.
I also started something else this week. I am learning to drive teams of horses. I am working with a guy Dave works with and he is teaching me how to do it. My first show is in Peru, In. on June 30th. I am excited and a little scared. There is a lot more practice I need to get in. So next weekend I am going to be GONE! But I'll tell you what, I haven't felt this good in a while. I like feeling like I have a purpose and I love it when that purpose has to do with horses. I don't think I will place this year, but that is OK. It's my first year. But watch out world you never know what it is I can do!
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and guiding me. sometimes I forget that you truly are the guiding light in my life. I never would have gotten into this with the horses if it wasn't for You. Thank You for helping me to confess my issues and helping me find the people I need to talk to to help me stand tall. God please be with me this week and this next weekend. Give me strength to finish the 5K. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin. They are both in need of comfort. In Your name we pray. Amen
So my 5K training has been slow. But I have a week left and I am going to go out there and try again and again and again. I just have to make sure to stretch better and take it slow.
I don't care if I don't run the whole thing. I know I wont. I just want to do it and beat my last time. My last one I did in 52 minutes. I want to take 5 minutes off of that and I will be happy. Once again Austin will be joining me. He cracks my up. But he likes it and I think that is great. Now if only I had his energy. Then I could get it done a lot easier. Either way i am going to be proud of myself for doing it.
I also started something else this week. I am learning to drive teams of horses. I am working with a guy Dave works with and he is teaching me how to do it. My first show is in Peru, In. on June 30th. I am excited and a little scared. There is a lot more practice I need to get in. So next weekend I am going to be GONE! But I'll tell you what, I haven't felt this good in a while. I like feeling like I have a purpose and I love it when that purpose has to do with horses. I don't think I will place this year, but that is OK. It's my first year. But watch out world you never know what it is I can do!
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and guiding me. sometimes I forget that you truly are the guiding light in my life. I never would have gotten into this with the horses if it wasn't for You. Thank You for helping me to confess my issues and helping me find the people I need to talk to to help me stand tall. God please be with me this week and this next weekend. Give me strength to finish the 5K. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin. They are both in need of comfort. In Your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, June 3, 2012
5K are you ready for me?
So I don't think I said anything about this before but I did my first 5K in April. I did a fast walk. I finished in 46 minutes. Not bad for a first time and a walk. So this time I am going to go a little faster. I have been getting out there and pounding the pavement. Not as much as I should but I have been doing it. I know that I will not run the whole thing and I am OK with that. I will walk/jog and hopefully bring my time down to the low 40's or high 30's.
I am not going to lie, some days I HATE the thought of it. I have no motivation to do it. Its that way with everything though. My feelings of suicide are gone and I am feeling so much better since I switched my meds. I finally feel like there is something better. Let's try that again, I remember that there is something better and I am working towards it. That is why I try to get out there and move my ass.
Dave has been a motivating factor in all of this too. It feels so good to hear the one you love tell you that they are proud of you. He tells me all the time how much my hard work is paying off. I haven't lost much weight but he told me he can see where I am firming up. The other day he made me blush as he pointed out all the places he can see the weight loss. I guess I am the only one who can't see it. Maybe because I am so stuck in my own head I can't see past the number on the scale.
I know it has been a while since I talked about Ireland. So let me inform you as to why. My laptop is BROKE! The screen is cracked and I just don't have the money to fix it right now. So I have been using Dave's or Austins. Lexi has been computerless because she is the one who broke my computer. But long story short she earned hers back and I am trying to get the money together to buy myself a newer computer. But all my Ireland stuff is on that computer. My spreadsheet of miles and pounds for each person. The map and route I had planned out. The whole thing. So I havent been keeping track because I am lost in no mans computer land. But as soon as I have a computer of my own we will be on our way to Ireland again.
Well it's time for a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today!Thank You for the love of my family and friends. I am truly blessed to have so much in life. God please be with the family of Don Akers at their time of sorrow. He was a good man and I know he is with you now in Heaven. Please with with Erik Vega and his family as they prepare to let his Uncle Jesse go home to you. Please be with me and help me up when I fall and guide me when I go astray. In your name we pray. Amen
I am not going to lie, some days I HATE the thought of it. I have no motivation to do it. Its that way with everything though. My feelings of suicide are gone and I am feeling so much better since I switched my meds. I finally feel like there is something better. Let's try that again, I remember that there is something better and I am working towards it. That is why I try to get out there and move my ass.
Dave has been a motivating factor in all of this too. It feels so good to hear the one you love tell you that they are proud of you. He tells me all the time how much my hard work is paying off. I haven't lost much weight but he told me he can see where I am firming up. The other day he made me blush as he pointed out all the places he can see the weight loss. I guess I am the only one who can't see it. Maybe because I am so stuck in my own head I can't see past the number on the scale.
I know it has been a while since I talked about Ireland. So let me inform you as to why. My laptop is BROKE! The screen is cracked and I just don't have the money to fix it right now. So I have been using Dave's or Austins. Lexi has been computerless because she is the one who broke my computer. But long story short she earned hers back and I am trying to get the money together to buy myself a newer computer. But all my Ireland stuff is on that computer. My spreadsheet of miles and pounds for each person. The map and route I had planned out. The whole thing. So I havent been keeping track because I am lost in no mans computer land. But as soon as I have a computer of my own we will be on our way to Ireland again.
Well it's time for a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today!Thank You for the love of my family and friends. I am truly blessed to have so much in life. God please be with the family of Don Akers at their time of sorrow. He was a good man and I know he is with you now in Heaven. Please with with Erik Vega and his family as they prepare to let his Uncle Jesse go home to you. Please be with me and help me up when I fall and guide me when I go astray. In your name we pray. Amen
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