I know, I know, I'm sorry

I know I am a day late. I was very tired yesterday when we got home from visiting Grandma and I fell asleep somewhere between 3 and 4. Well I slept til 9:30. I woke up, ate, said oh crap I forgot to blog and fell back asleep til 5 this morning. I was rather tired. So I apologize for my lateness.

I have been a gym bum. Ever since Austin got out of the hospital it has been like pulling teeth to get me to go to the gym. I have been working more these past two weeks. So I don't know if that is why I haven't been going. But I know I haven't been there enough and that makes me sad. I will be there tonight. Even though my back hurts and I feel stiff as a board. I will be there. I need it to much.

Since I stopped going I have put on 5 pounds. Really! That is scary. Obviously my eating is still way out of control. (Yes, I know, I haven't been keeping track. I need to get back to using My Fitness Pal.) I was just about to make an excuse and I stopped myself. Excuses suck.

Sunday we went to visit my grandma. I have mentioned her a few times on here. She is the grandma that has cancer. We had a silly hat tea party at her house. Someone brought one of those big purple church hats that you see old ladies wear.Dave wore the crown of daisies I wore at our wedding. Austin had a Perry the Platypus hat and Lex a knit owl hat. There was a silver sequin hat and an antique straw hat. Like the ones they wore in the days of the bandstands. Made me think of one of those musicals that Disney put out. But anyway, we had a lovely visit. Everyone made sure to stick their pinkies in the air.

I know I am kind of skipping here but I have to back up a few days. I don't remember if it was the day I went to see my grandma in the hospital or a day or two after, but I needed comfort. I turned to the most logical person, my husband. Now I will say this for my husband. He is a very literal person. Sometimes he can't see something obvious, like I need to be comforted, he sees that I am not thinking logically.

What I wasn't thinking logically about was that I asked him to help me kill myself if I every get to the point where my living was nothing but pain and agony. I said this with tear filled eyes while talking about a woman who was dying. I was in pain, I didn't want an actual answer. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me something like 'I hope that day will never come.' Instead I got, 'NO!' Followed by 'Everyone is dying.' I tried to tell him that I can't imagine what it must be like to know that you are dying. I can't imagine I would be able to function knowing I was going to die soon. his response, 'I can. I know everyday that I am dying.' What? 'I know that I am dying, I think about it every day, that my life is getting closer to the end. But I keep on going.' OK literal Dave and illogical Tina do not make a good match. I want someone to hold me and tell me they are sorry for 5 minutes, he wants to talk about the fact that any day we can go to bed and not wake up. We have to live every day like it is our last. He obviously has no idea what I want to do on my last day. If he did he would not ask me to live every day like it was my last.


I understand what he is saying. It all made perfect sense. But when I try to explain what I want from him he looks at me like a dog who confused. I can hear Scooby-Do in my head saying Rhut. I can see his logical point and try to explain my maybe not so logical point, but he still doesn't get it. He is Black and white. there are no shades of gray. I love him because he is who he is, but that didn't stop me from wanting to punch him in the eye.

My grandma is dying. I can't make it better, I can't take it away. I can't imagine what it is like for her. I don't know the kind of decisions she has to make and the prayers she offers to God. I will not know the peace that she will be at when she takes her breath for the last time. But I will know the loss of her. I will know the pain of letting go. I know I will need to turn to my husband and I know that in those moments he will understand and logical or not he will hold me and comfort me.

So it is closing time and I am going to finish with a little prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my family and friends. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for the gift of life. Please be with my grandma as she makes the choices I can not make and lives the life I can not save. In Your name I pray. Amen

A better mother

Last week I promised pics. So here they are. For those of you who don't remember I am starting what I call the Red Dress Project. Every month on the 11th I will be taking update pics in the new red dress I bought. I am excited to see hos the dress changes as I change.

These pics are from August 11th. I need to find my measurements and put those up once a month too.

So that is covered. On to the next. Austin is home from the hospital. He got out Tuesday afternoon. He still has aches and pains but the worst of it is past us now. Thank You to everyone for their well wishes. I hope we never have to go through that again. And yes it was meningitis.

So here's to the heart of today's blog. I think I have failed my kids as a mother.

I have been working with a friend of mine cleaning houses. Some of the houses we go to are absolutely amazing. There was this one on the beach that made my head and heart swim. You walk in and you know that this place isn't a rental, as many of them are, this is someones home. The signs of kids were everywhere. The projects lovingly displayed on the walls. Dinner plates with drawings that the kids made. A table full of crayons and paper and love. This wasn't just some stuff stuck together and pushed off to the side, this was the home of a family that loved each other. You could see that the mom was very involved with her kids. I could not say that these kids were spoiled. Their rooms weren't loaded with the latest crap. There weren't different game systems and big screen t.v.s. There were over sized chairs and comfy blankets that were obviously used. And there were books. Everywhere books. On one of the large second floor windows you could see a tree drawn on the glass and other things.

So as I am looking around this home filled with love I began to wonder if I had given my kids enough. Had I spent enough time doing arts and crafts, expanding their minds? Did I read to them enough and help them to find a love for books? Did I cuddle enough? Love enough? Give enough? I was telling myself that I was good enough. I did my best. But I wanted to know what the kids thought.

When I talked to them later that same day I was met by attitude. I asked for them to do their chores while I was working. You would think I asked for them to save the princess and kill the evil villains. There was so much whine I was going to ask for cheese. That's when I realized I had been a failure to a certain point. Their utter lack of respect for me was extremely obvious when I got home and chores were half way done and the TV that I said could not be on was on. I got half hearted apologies that ere only given to placate me. I turned the TV off and told them to clean.

I know that they say all kids are like that. But in the end I think that if I had spent more time out of depressions and more time focusing on them things wouldn't be so bad today. I know, I know, should have, could have, would have. There is nothing I can do now. About the past! I can do something for the future.

I reflected on past failures. The 20 or 30 times I quit smoking before I finally did in '07. My many many failed attempts to lose weight. I am still struggling with that one. Going to school, photography, massage therapy, author, artist, stained glass maker, good wife (feel like I suck at that too), good mother. I know that I finally quit smoking. That is not a failure it is a win. But it took a week in the hospital and 2 weeks without driving to do that. I miss it, a lot. I probably wouldn't have quit on my own. You are reading my weight loss blog so there's that. The other things I gave up on. It was just easier to quit because inside I told myself I couldn't do it.

I know I am on a pity party. It has been a rough long week and truth be told I am spent. I am frustrated and I am ready to throw in the towel. I don't know how my mom did it. She is my hero. I wish I was as good a mom as her. But I really feel like I have dropped the ball. I know get off the pot, so I am gonna go. here is a little prayer to get us through the day.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the comforts of my own dysfunctional home. Thank You for loving me as I am. Thank You for being the rock I needed while Austin was in the hospital and for keeping me calm and sane for this past week. Thank You for all the wonderful people who were there for me through all of this. God, I ask that you be with my Grandma Kelly. Comfort her in her times of pain. She is Your faithful and humble servant. Please be with my Aunt Di, the work of a caregiver is all consuming and often painful. Please be with her as she continues to take care of her "old people". In Your name we pray. Amen

Red Dress Project

Sorry this is a day late and it is going to be rather short. My son is in the hospital with meningitis. I came home to do a few things and decided to do this real quick like.

Last week I bought a red dress on clearance at Fashion Bug, which is going out of business! Sad Panda. But anyway the dress is an XL. which is 1 size down for me. The dress is a wrap dress. Right now it is snug on me, but I figure as I lose weight it will get bigger! So I took some pics, which i cant load because this is my husbands computer and he does not have a slot for memory cards. But I will make sure to add them on Sunday. But the project is this. Ever month on the 11th I am going to put the dress on and take some pics to see my progress. I am also going to be adding measurements. I don't have those either right now. I am kind of stressed, you might guess. So I am not all together on where everything is at. But I will make sure to have it all together for Sunday.

I would appreciate all the prayers we get. He is doing a lot better right now and I am hoping tomorrow he can come home. He is hoping that also. They are loading him up on antibiotics and he is feeling like a new man compared to how he has been feeling since Thursday of last week. We just went into the hospital yesterday after they called us to tell us that one of his blood cultures came back positive. So that is where we are at. But he is feeling alright now so that is a bonus and the headache is gone and that is great.

Well I am out of here I need to get ready to go back up. So here is a little prayer

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my family who has been incredibly helpful in this whole situation. Thank You for my friends who are there when ever I need them for support or someone to talk to.Thank You for fantastic medical care for my son. Thank You for my son. I am so blessed to have him. Thank You for loving me. Please be with us while we deal with Austins medical issues and help me to be calm and wise. In your name we pray. Amen

Night Rider

I was half way through and I wanted to quit. My legs were tired, my heart was racing and my mind was telling me you just cant do it. I was 3/4ths of the way up a hill that I thought was going to be the death of me and I was worn out. I was ready to fake a flat tire, have an imaginary asthma attack, whatever, I just wanted to be done. But my heart told my head, 'We are stronger than this. Get your ass in gear and finish this!' So I put my feet back on the pedals and I pushed off. I figured I am going up hill now so somewhere I am going to be going down hill.

This was the first of many night rides I am hoping to complete. I'm not looking to be first, I don't care if I'm last. I just want to complete it. I know for a fact I can. I just need to get out there and ride my bike more. I was not ready for this one. I thought I was but I wasn't. Over confidence won over and I didn't do what I needed to do to be ready. Next time it wont be that way at all. Starting today I am riding my bike.

 La Porte Parks and Rec 2012 Night Ride

I missed out on a great ride Saturday because I didn't have the money or the confidence. I said it would be to hot, I couldn't do it because of money... But the truth is if I wanted it bad enough I would have found a way to get the money. I would have dealt with the heat. I would have built up a stronger sense of pride. But in the end I let the excuses win. I wish I hadn't because I know it was a good time.

Kevin on the left. Becky in orange and Julie in black Freddy is in the white shirt and Jenn is the blond in grey. I am bottom right. 

Julie is fabulous. She is one of the members at Anytime. She is such an inspiration. I am glad that she is on Team Miranda with me. I am glad to have her in my life. Freddy has ridden his bike from California to Maine! He too is a member of Anytime, as is Jenn. I don't really know her but I am glad I met her.

I know I mention Michigan City Anytime Fitness a lot, but I have to give credit where credit is due. If it wasn't for the people there I don't know if I would be where I am today. I know I wouldn't have been on that bike ride Friday night and I wouldn't be getting ready to do the one on the 25th in Valpo. I would probably still be sitting on my butt in a state of depression. The day Becky joined was one of the happiest. I could work out and be with my best friend. She is a great motivator for me. When I think I can't she reminds me that I can. She will push for one more set, one more lap, one more mile. I do it because I know I can, she just reminded me of that. The trainer there, Miranda, Sebesta, is so awesome. If I have questions about exercises or stretches shes on it and if she doesn't know she will do the research and help you out. Kevin, the manager, is another great motivator. He is ready to put in the extra time or energy. He has been to all the events building up confidence and being a good friend. I can not tell you how much this has changed my life. I know it sounds like a pitch but it isn't. If you haven't been there you should, its worth every penny!

I have found a song that I am taking on as my song. When I feel like giving up I sing it in my head and it reminds me that I am in fact a fighter. I can do it. I just have to take one more step. I have to push myself beyond my comfort zone. Aches and pains are prizes, it means I am fighting the good fight. I have promised myself that I wont do this again. I wont be here at 245 pounds wishing I was healthier. I am a fighter. Once I reach my goal I will fight for the rest of my life to be there and stay there. I am a fighter, I wont let anyone bring me down. I might get knocked down but I will get up and dust myself off and make the next move even stronger. I am a fighter!

The Fighter! this link will take you to YouTube and you can see the video too. Do it, its amazing. The kid in the video, John Orozco is fantastic. He placed 8th in the men's all around.

OK well time for a prayer and then off to enjoy the day.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the friends who love me and push me to be a better person. Thank You for loving me and strengthening me in heart, mind and spirit. Thank You for opening my eyes and showing me what a wonderful world You have created. I was blinded to all the possibilities. Thank You for achy legs and tired eyes, Thank You for a strong heart, Thank You for loving me.  God please be with my Grandma Kelly. Her battle continues and I don't know what to do or how to help. Please be with my Uncle Marlin as he deals with his health issues. And please God be with my Aunt Di. Sometimes people don't understand the strength it takes to be a caregiver. I know she looks to You when she is struggling. Please be with those who are fighting their own demons. Please be with me when I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know with You anything is possible. In Your name we pray. Amen