A better mother

Last week I promised pics. So here they are. For those of you who don't remember I am starting what I call the Red Dress Project. Every month on the 11th I will be taking update pics in the new red dress I bought. I am excited to see hos the dress changes as I change.

These pics are from August 11th. I need to find my measurements and put those up once a month too.

So that is covered. On to the next. Austin is home from the hospital. He got out Tuesday afternoon. He still has aches and pains but the worst of it is past us now. Thank You to everyone for their well wishes. I hope we never have to go through that again. And yes it was meningitis.

So here's to the heart of today's blog. I think I have failed my kids as a mother.

I have been working with a friend of mine cleaning houses. Some of the houses we go to are absolutely amazing. There was this one on the beach that made my head and heart swim. You walk in and you know that this place isn't a rental, as many of them are, this is someones home. The signs of kids were everywhere. The projects lovingly displayed on the walls. Dinner plates with drawings that the kids made. A table full of crayons and paper and love. This wasn't just some stuff stuck together and pushed off to the side, this was the home of a family that loved each other. You could see that the mom was very involved with her kids. I could not say that these kids were spoiled. Their rooms weren't loaded with the latest crap. There weren't different game systems and big screen t.v.s. There were over sized chairs and comfy blankets that were obviously used. And there were books. Everywhere books. On one of the large second floor windows you could see a tree drawn on the glass and other things.

So as I am looking around this home filled with love I began to wonder if I had given my kids enough. Had I spent enough time doing arts and crafts, expanding their minds? Did I read to them enough and help them to find a love for books? Did I cuddle enough? Love enough? Give enough? I was telling myself that I was good enough. I did my best. But I wanted to know what the kids thought.

When I talked to them later that same day I was met by attitude. I asked for them to do their chores while I was working. You would think I asked for them to save the princess and kill the evil villains. There was so much whine I was going to ask for cheese. That's when I realized I had been a failure to a certain point. Their utter lack of respect for me was extremely obvious when I got home and chores were half way done and the TV that I said could not be on was on. I got half hearted apologies that ere only given to placate me. I turned the TV off and told them to clean.

I know that they say all kids are like that. But in the end I think that if I had spent more time out of depressions and more time focusing on them things wouldn't be so bad today. I know, I know, should have, could have, would have. There is nothing I can do now. About the past! I can do something for the future.

I reflected on past failures. The 20 or 30 times I quit smoking before I finally did in '07. My many many failed attempts to lose weight. I am still struggling with that one. Going to school, photography, massage therapy, author, artist, stained glass maker, good wife (feel like I suck at that too), good mother. I know that I finally quit smoking. That is not a failure it is a win. But it took a week in the hospital and 2 weeks without driving to do that. I miss it, a lot. I probably wouldn't have quit on my own. You are reading my weight loss blog so there's that. The other things I gave up on. It was just easier to quit because inside I told myself I couldn't do it.

I know I am on a pity party. It has been a rough long week and truth be told I am spent. I am frustrated and I am ready to throw in the towel. I don't know how my mom did it. She is my hero. I wish I was as good a mom as her. But I really feel like I have dropped the ball. I know get off the pot, so I am gonna go. here is a little prayer to get us through the day.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the comforts of my own dysfunctional home. Thank You for loving me as I am. Thank You for being the rock I needed while Austin was in the hospital and for keeping me calm and sane for this past week. Thank You for all the wonderful people who were there for me through all of this. God, I ask that you be with my Grandma Kelly. Comfort her in her times of pain. She is Your faithful and humble servant. Please be with my Aunt Di, the work of a caregiver is all consuming and often painful. Please be with her as she continues to take care of her "old people". In Your name we pray. Amen