I know I am a day late. I was very tired yesterday when we got home from visiting Grandma and I fell asleep somewhere between 3 and 4. Well I slept til 9:30. I woke up, ate, said oh crap I forgot to blog and fell back asleep til 5 this morning. I was rather tired. So I apologize for my lateness.
I have been a gym bum. Ever since Austin got out of the hospital it has been like pulling teeth to get me to go to the gym. I have been working more these past two weeks. So I don't know if that is why I haven't been going. But I know I haven't been there enough and that makes me sad. I will be there tonight. Even though my back hurts and I feel stiff as a board. I will be there. I need it to much.
Since I stopped going I have put on 5 pounds. Really! That is scary. Obviously my eating is still way out of control. (Yes, I know, I haven't been keeping track. I need to get back to using My Fitness Pal.) I was just about to make an excuse and I stopped myself. Excuses suck.
Sunday we went to visit my grandma. I have mentioned her a few times on here. She is the grandma that has cancer. We had a silly hat tea party at her house. Someone brought one of those big purple church hats that you see old ladies wear.Dave wore the crown of daisies I wore at our wedding. Austin had a Perry the Platypus hat and Lex a knit owl hat. There was a silver sequin hat and an antique straw hat. Like the ones they wore in the days of the bandstands. Made me think of one of those musicals that Disney put out. But anyway, we had a lovely visit. Everyone made sure to stick their pinkies in the air.
I know I am kind of skipping here but I have to back up a few days. I don't remember if it was the day I went to see my grandma in the hospital or a day or two after, but I needed comfort. I turned to the most logical person, my husband. Now I will say this for my husband. He is a very literal person. Sometimes he can't see something obvious, like I need to be comforted, he sees that I am not thinking logically.
What I wasn't thinking logically about was that I asked him to help me kill myself if I every get to the point where my living was nothing but pain and agony. I said this with tear filled eyes while talking about a woman who was dying. I was in pain, I didn't want an actual answer. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me something like 'I hope that day will never come.' Instead I got, 'NO!' Followed by 'Everyone is dying.' I tried to tell him that I can't imagine what it must be like to know that you are dying. I can't imagine I would be able to function knowing I was going to die soon. his response, 'I can. I know everyday that I am dying.' What? 'I know that I am dying, I think about it every day, that my life is getting closer to the end. But I keep on going.' OK literal Dave and illogical Tina do not make a good match. I want someone to hold me and tell me they are sorry for 5 minutes, he wants to talk about the fact that any day we can go to bed and not wake up. We have to live every day like it is our last. He obviously has no idea what I want to do on my last day. If he did he would not ask me to live every day like it was my last.
I understand what he is saying. It all made perfect sense. But when I try to explain what I want from him he looks at me like a dog who confused. I can hear Scooby-Do in my head saying Rhut. I can see his logical point and try to explain my maybe not so logical point, but he still doesn't get it. He is Black and white. there are no shades of gray. I love him because he is who he is, but that didn't stop me from wanting to punch him in the eye.
My grandma is dying. I can't make it better, I can't take it away. I can't imagine what it is like for her. I don't know the kind of decisions she has to make and the prayers she offers to God. I will not know the peace that she will be at when she takes her breath for the last time. But I will know the loss of her. I will know the pain of letting go. I know I will need to turn to my husband and I know that in those moments he will understand and logical or not he will hold me and comfort me.
So it is closing time and I am going to finish with a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my family and friends. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for the gift of life. Please be with my grandma as she makes the choices I can not make and lives the life I can not save. In Your name I pray. Amen
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