Holiday Hold Out

 It's time for the Holiday Hold-Out! The average American gains between 8-12 pounds during the 6 weeks around Thanksgiving and New Years! This year, don't be one of those people!

This is the most recent challenge from the gym. I think it is a fantastic idea and anyone interested in doing it let me know. I would love to see how we all do. Right now if I weighed in I would not be in good shape. In the last four days I have had at least one meal at a restaurant. I was really good at my aunts for Thanksgiving, but that is because I was still pretty full from the breakfast I had at Denny's. I was out shopping and hitting the sales and we got hungry. Yesterday I ate over 3,000 calories. How gross is that? 

Depression has been making its way back into my life. I was so low last night that I just wanted to lay in bed and  be sad. I did for a while, but I got up and made myself go to the gym. I didn't want to go, but I knew it was for the best. I didn't work out hard, I just hit the treadmill. But I was there and that is all that matters. 

When I told Dave I was going to the gym he made the comment that I hadn't been there in a while. I said I know but that is going to change. I need to remember how good I felt when I was going there on a daily basis. I need to remember how good my muscles felt when I pushed them hard. I need to change my mind set and kick this depression pig. I know it is possible. I can't let depression bring me down again this year. 

I am thinking I need to get some vitamins, especially vitamin d. I just need to find one that doesn't upset my stomach. So if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

Well I think I am going to go enjoy the day. So it is time for a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the love of my family and friends. Thank You for one more Thanksgiving. Thank You for loving me, for holding me up and guiding me. I would be lost without You. God please help me in the months to come. Please help me to not let the depression pull me down. Help me to win the battle against my demons. God please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they deal with their continual health issues. And please be with my Aunt Di who is care giver to both of them. In Your name we pray. Amen   

S.A.D.

I'm going to school everyone real quick before I go on.

This is S.A.D:  Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

I have known for years that I suffer from this. Every year I try harder and harder to not let it get to me, but every year I find myself barreling down the depression roller coaster, not knowing when I will coming back up. I never know until I am past the point where I can see over the horizon. I would like to say that this year is going to be different, but I just don't know.

Two years ago I started this blog. I was full of hope and promise. I wanted this to be a success story. To have pictures of me as I lose the weight and feel amazing. But here it is and I am still the same weight. I have lost and gained more pounds than I can count. But two years later here I am, defending my excuses and making more of them. Everything inside of me wants to quit. I want to just be done with this. This blog, this weight, this crappy ass attempt to keep going. But I know if I do that the roller coaster will continue to drop and I wont be able to find a way out.

So I wonder what the problem is. Do I not want it enough? Do I not deserve it? I don't mind hard work, I actually like the way I feel when my muscles are stretched and my heart is racing. I like the sweat on my brow and the sweat mark on my belly and my back, I don't get those very often, but when I do its like a gold medal. I feel like I have won. I like working for Beckett, I use my body and I make money. (We do new construction and residential cleaning, dirty minds!) But when I get home I can't seem to get it together. I can't seem to say NO to food.

For almost two weeks I have tried to not eat after nine. I "close" the kitchen and tell myself NO MORE FOOD TONIGHT. Some nights I am a champ, I talk myself out of food and I make myself feel like a Queen in the process. Other nights, like last night, I completely block the voice out. I don't even think I allowed myself to hear it. I ate the left over omelet from breakfast with my mom. It was 2:45 a.m. I felt guilty the whole time I ate it, but I ate every last over syruped bite.

I know I can't beat myself up over it. I just have to put on my big girl panties and keep truckin.

Quote I saw yesterday and wanted to share.

Beach season is in (about) 9 months. It takes 9 months for a person to be born. It's never to late.

With that being said I am going to go and eat my apple instead of the 20 tons of cookies, candies and cakes I want. So I will say a little prayer and be on my way. I have no intentions of quiting today.

Dear God, Thank You for today.Thank You for the people in my life who help me to become the person I want to be. Thank You for not giving up on me, even when I have. Thank You for loving me and making me your child. Please, God, help me as I struggle against my addictions. Help me to feed my body not my depression. Help me to fight the voices inside that tell me it and I do not matter. God, please help me to find my way. I pray to You to help me be strong. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and Uncle Marlin as they continue with their health issues. And please be with my Aunt Di as she takes care of them. Please give her peace. In Your name we pray. Amen

 

Did I Say To Much?

I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast for Dave's birthday. Everyone was allowed to have two. I had 1 and I had a half one I was picking at in the pan. I went back to pick at it and it was gone. I asked Austin and he said no and I asked Lex and she said no, but I knew from the second I asked that she was lying. I asked again and she said no again. I looked at her with my all knowing eyes and she said yes. She was hungry, she said. Now I have been on her lately about how much she is eating. She doesn't need to eat more than Dave or I do. But she eats just as much if not more. I have tried to be gentle, I have tried to be supportive, I have tried to use logic and kindness and bribery, you name it but it feels like I am talking to a wall. So today I used truth. I don't know if I went over the line but if I don't say anything than it is the same as saying it is OK.

Today I showed her this pic. I told her what the fat does to her body. I told her about diabetes, I told her about lung disease and heart disease. I told her what fat is doing to her. She doesn't like me right now, but it seems like the one thing to say to her lately that motivates her is to tell her she is just like me. That seems to disgust her. So to say she is like me motivates her. She tells me all the time she is nothing like me. But if you put he next to me you will see the similarities from out heads to our toes.

I know I am fat. I have been working on it. I have acknowledged it and I will NOT accept it anymore. I have not allowed myself to eat after 9 for 3 days now. I have had water and I have cut back on the carbs. I will make it through this. I will make sure she will make it too. I will not let her fall between the cracks. I know she doesn't always like me. But I am OK with that. She will hear some hard truths from me, but I will also try not to say things to hurt her. It is hard to be a parent when all you want to do is give them everything they want and make everything OK and make everyone happy. But I know as a parent I will not be her friend. I will make her mad, I will hurt her feelings and I will have top put my foot down. I just have to make sure to not be a hypocrite.

Time for a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the love of my family and friends. Thank You for a strong heart and a conscience to help me to make the right choices. Thank You for loving me, even when I feel I don't deserve it. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they struggle with their health issues. In Your name we pray. Amen