S.A.D.

I'm going to school everyone real quick before I go on.

This is S.A.D:  Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

I have known for years that I suffer from this. Every year I try harder and harder to not let it get to me, but every year I find myself barreling down the depression roller coaster, not knowing when I will coming back up. I never know until I am past the point where I can see over the horizon. I would like to say that this year is going to be different, but I just don't know.

Two years ago I started this blog. I was full of hope and promise. I wanted this to be a success story. To have pictures of me as I lose the weight and feel amazing. But here it is and I am still the same weight. I have lost and gained more pounds than I can count. But two years later here I am, defending my excuses and making more of them. Everything inside of me wants to quit. I want to just be done with this. This blog, this weight, this crappy ass attempt to keep going. But I know if I do that the roller coaster will continue to drop and I wont be able to find a way out.

So I wonder what the problem is. Do I not want it enough? Do I not deserve it? I don't mind hard work, I actually like the way I feel when my muscles are stretched and my heart is racing. I like the sweat on my brow and the sweat mark on my belly and my back, I don't get those very often, but when I do its like a gold medal. I feel like I have won. I like working for Beckett, I use my body and I make money. (We do new construction and residential cleaning, dirty minds!) But when I get home I can't seem to get it together. I can't seem to say NO to food.

For almost two weeks I have tried to not eat after nine. I "close" the kitchen and tell myself NO MORE FOOD TONIGHT. Some nights I am a champ, I talk myself out of food and I make myself feel like a Queen in the process. Other nights, like last night, I completely block the voice out. I don't even think I allowed myself to hear it. I ate the left over omelet from breakfast with my mom. It was 2:45 a.m. I felt guilty the whole time I ate it, but I ate every last over syruped bite.

I know I can't beat myself up over it. I just have to put on my big girl panties and keep truckin.

Quote I saw yesterday and wanted to share.

Beach season is in (about) 9 months. It takes 9 months for a person to be born. It's never to late.

With that being said I am going to go and eat my apple instead of the 20 tons of cookies, candies and cakes I want. So I will say a little prayer and be on my way. I have no intentions of quiting today.

Dear God, Thank You for today.Thank You for the people in my life who help me to become the person I want to be. Thank You for not giving up on me, even when I have. Thank You for loving me and making me your child. Please, God, help me as I struggle against my addictions. Help me to feed my body not my depression. Help me to fight the voices inside that tell me it and I do not matter. God, please help me to find my way. I pray to You to help me be strong. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and Uncle Marlin as they continue with their health issues. And please be with my Aunt Di as she takes care of them. Please give her peace. In Your name we pray. Amen