My back hurts. It hurts like I was in a car accident. It is so tight I can barely walk, I am uncomfortable no matter what I do. I am waiting on the doctor to call in a script so I can refill my muscle relaxer. It hurts so bad I left work early yesterday, I didn't work today and I probably wont work tomorrow. My back is killing me. I need you to understand the physical pain I am in. It is nothing compared to the emotional turmoil inside. I didn't even realize it til Beckett said something. She knows I am upset about my Grandma Kelly. Beckett made the connection I overlooked. Depression hurts.
The moment she said it tears sprang to my eyes and my heart stopped beating and I couldn't breath. Depression freaking hurts. Now I can't stop thinking about it. I can't let go. I have to do something or I am going to curl up and and hide and try desperately to not exist. God, just writing this is causing my throat to close up. I can barely see through my tears. But I know, I know, inside that this is where I need to be. I need to tell someone and I decided to tell you.
Long before I remember we celebrated Christmas Eve at my Grandma Kelly's. We had dinner at her house and opened stockings and then went to church. After church we returned and opened gifts and sang happy birthday to the newborn King of Kings. The evening would end with my dad driving us around to look at lights. We would get in our Christmas pajamas, have hot cocoa and listen as my dad read The Night Before Christmas.
We did this every year. It is a tradition. Traditions are very important to my Grandma Kelly. And I didn't realize until recently how very important they are to me. I spent years being a spoiled brat. I didn't appreciate all she did for me, for us all. I didn't see how hard she worked or how much she gave. I saw price tags and irritation. I would snicker and moan and groan. I would make smart ass comments like, "Well so and so opened a pair of gloves so I know I got that too." I was so inconsiderate. I never thought of her feelings. I know, I really do, that some of that has to do with the age I was at. But I am having a hard time accepting that. I was an ass.
This Christmas Eve was so like Christmas Eve's past, yet so very very different. We looked for the pickle hidden in the tree, we ate to much and laughed a lot. We cried a lot too. It was a bittersweet Christmas, because we know it is the last. (Give me a moment, I feel like I am suffocating here.) There will never be another Christmas with my Grandma Kelly. The cancer is taking that away from us. The cancer, I hate that. I hate it. As I am typing this I am so freaking angry I can't stand it. I want to hit something I want to scream. I want to hurt something because I am hurting so much inside. I hate you Cancer I hate YOU! And I will be honest I hate God a little right now too. What right do they have to take my traditions? What right do they have to kill her a little every day and there is NOTHING any of us can do about that. I am angry. I am pissed.
She told us to take her stockings home with us. She knows. But we couldn't. How can I take that home? She gave us all a plate of cookies. The cookies were on antique plates that she has had forever. They were the last set and she didn't know how to divide them up. She knew we wouldn't take them so she gave us no choice. She cried when she watched us open our presents. She silently sat there with tears falling down her cheeks. My aunt hugged her and asked her if they were tears of happiness and she said they were. At least they weren't tears of pain. I hugged her close to me and I felt how frail she has become. I didn't want to hug to tight I was afraid I would break her. I hugged her as often as I could. I cried on my way home Christmas night. It was all over. The two days were done and Christmas 2012 was beginning to become a memory. To say I cried is an understatement. I bawled. I sobbed. I broke.
Next year we will all get together for Christmas Eve. We will honor her memory. We will laugh and we will cry and we will open stockings and eat cheese cake and sing Happy Birthday to the new born King of Kings. But a seat will be empty. I know by then my anger will subside. I will miss her and I will remember her. I will laugh at stories of Christmas Eve past. I will look for the pickle and I will probably cry on my way home. But I will know she is with us. She will be in everything we do. She will laugh with us and cry with us. I know she will be sitting next to us at church, something she hasn't been able to do for a long while. She will be in every tradition so has worked so hard to make. My Grandma says if you do it once it is a tradition.
I need to say a prayer now, though honestly I don't want to.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for one more. For one more Christmas, one more tradition and one more day to tell her we love her. Thank You for all the little things I am having trouble seeing right now because my grief is so heavy. Thank You for loving me even when I am angry at You. Thank You for forgiving me and holding me up when I feel so very weak and depressed. I know that without You I can not make it through all of this. Thank You for making me Your child. Please, please be with my Grandma Kelly as she walks this path. Hold her up when she can not walk and give her comfort when she hurts. I do love You so. Please forgive me. Amen
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Meaning
I had the flu last week. All week long I felt like there was something just beyond my mental reach that I was supposed to be doing or thinking. But I couldn't figure out what it was. I finally started to feel better on Thursday and I remembered what it was that I needed to do. I needed to finish my Christmas shopping. Friday morning I started to feel overwhelmed. Here it is, Christmas is 11 days away and I was not ready. I needed a billion more dollars to get every one everything that I wanted to get them. I needed time to make cookies and ornaments and clean the house and wrap presents... To say the least I was ready to scream. The work day didn't get off to a good start. I was figuring that the day was going to go to hell in a hand bag.
And it did. We were half way through our first house when the woman who was house sitting came out and told us there was a shooting at a school in Connecticut. She didn't know the details, but that there were at least 14 people killed, most of them children. The three of us who were working are moms. We stopped for a minute. All of our hearts dropped. Our stomachs clenched in knots. Collectively our minds raced to our kids. All three of us have kids in high school and we all have kids in the same grade and school. I wanted to run to the schools. I wanted to grab my kids and hug them and love them. I wanted to protect them from a world that is evil. But I know I can't. I can hug them and love them but I can't protect them. I can't make evil go away. All I can do is raise them to be compassionate, patient, wise, God-fearing Christians. I can teach them that violence isn't the answer. That when you are angry the answer isn't going to be found in a knife or a car or a gun. It can be found in other ways.
We continued our jobs, getting up dates as we went. I thought of the poor kids who saw their best friends and their beloved teachers die. I thought of the children who wouldn't be coming home from school that afternoon. The parents who had to wait to see if it was their child lying dead inside that school and the parents whose hearts broke when they were told their child was brutally and senselessly killed by someone who wasn't much older than a kid himself. My Christmas worries seemed so very small. The calendar I traditionally made for my mother would have to wait. The gift cards I needed to order and the trinkets I needed to carefully wrap were nothing. I would wake up Christmas day and my kids will be waiting on me to open presents. My husband will say you shouldn't have at least a half dozen times and we will scamper to get ready to head to my in-laws house. It is the first time we will be seeing them on Christmas in 5 years. I am glad that the strain that was keeping us apart is slowly falling away.
I am reminded that Christmas isn't about the gifts that are under the tree or the how much money was spent on each person. It is about the time I get to spend with my family. More than likely this will be my last Christmas with my Grandma Kelly. Christmas Eve at her house has been a tradition since I was very small. I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I want to watch the lights glow and hear my nieces read the Christmas story from the bible. There is something about hearing the word of Jesus birth told by children. I want to remember this Christmas as one of Joy and Love and Happiness. Not one of grief and sadness.
I am going to go now. There are cookies to bake and candles to light and Christmas music to be played and sung along to. So here I offer a prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for making me Your child and loving me as I am, a poor sinner. Thank You for one more day, one more day with my kids and my husband, with my parents and my grandparents. Thank You for protecting me and mine. Thank You for loving the small children and being with them as they took their final breaths. Thank You for comforting them so they knew their final moments were not alone. Please be with the families who grieve this Christmas. Not just the ones in Connecticut and Washington, but to all of us. For the families of my Uncle Jim and with my friend Sandee and her brother and dad. Please remind them of the good times so they can make it through the bad. God I know I ask so much of You, but there is no one else to turn to. Please be with us in the days and weeks and months to come. In Your name we pray. Amen
And it did. We were half way through our first house when the woman who was house sitting came out and told us there was a shooting at a school in Connecticut. She didn't know the details, but that there were at least 14 people killed, most of them children. The three of us who were working are moms. We stopped for a minute. All of our hearts dropped. Our stomachs clenched in knots. Collectively our minds raced to our kids. All three of us have kids in high school and we all have kids in the same grade and school. I wanted to run to the schools. I wanted to grab my kids and hug them and love them. I wanted to protect them from a world that is evil. But I know I can't. I can hug them and love them but I can't protect them. I can't make evil go away. All I can do is raise them to be compassionate, patient, wise, God-fearing Christians. I can teach them that violence isn't the answer. That when you are angry the answer isn't going to be found in a knife or a car or a gun. It can be found in other ways.
We continued our jobs, getting up dates as we went. I thought of the poor kids who saw their best friends and their beloved teachers die. I thought of the children who wouldn't be coming home from school that afternoon. The parents who had to wait to see if it was their child lying dead inside that school and the parents whose hearts broke when they were told their child was brutally and senselessly killed by someone who wasn't much older than a kid himself. My Christmas worries seemed so very small. The calendar I traditionally made for my mother would have to wait. The gift cards I needed to order and the trinkets I needed to carefully wrap were nothing. I would wake up Christmas day and my kids will be waiting on me to open presents. My husband will say you shouldn't have at least a half dozen times and we will scamper to get ready to head to my in-laws house. It is the first time we will be seeing them on Christmas in 5 years. I am glad that the strain that was keeping us apart is slowly falling away.
I am reminded that Christmas isn't about the gifts that are under the tree or the how much money was spent on each person. It is about the time I get to spend with my family. More than likely this will be my last Christmas with my Grandma Kelly. Christmas Eve at her house has been a tradition since I was very small. I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I want to watch the lights glow and hear my nieces read the Christmas story from the bible. There is something about hearing the word of Jesus birth told by children. I want to remember this Christmas as one of Joy and Love and Happiness. Not one of grief and sadness.
I am going to go now. There are cookies to bake and candles to light and Christmas music to be played and sung along to. So here I offer a prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for making me Your child and loving me as I am, a poor sinner. Thank You for one more day, one more day with my kids and my husband, with my parents and my grandparents. Thank You for protecting me and mine. Thank You for loving the small children and being with them as they took their final breaths. Thank You for comforting them so they knew their final moments were not alone. Please be with the families who grieve this Christmas. Not just the ones in Connecticut and Washington, but to all of us. For the families of my Uncle Jim and with my friend Sandee and her brother and dad. Please remind them of the good times so they can make it through the bad. God I know I ask so much of You, but there is no one else to turn to. Please be with us in the days and weeks and months to come. In Your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Tomorrow Tomorrow I love ya Tomorrow
Some days this blog isn't easy to do. Today is one of those days. I have things to talk about but I don't see how they are relevant to my situation. I have things that I have said in the past that I am trying to do again now. But I get tired of being repetitive. Every time I think I am on to something new I talk to Dave and he reminds me that we had this same conversation x-amount of time ago. Like Hollywood all the good ideas seem to be dead. I am on repeat, I fear. I could tell you about dreams I have had but they have no real pattern, meaning or plot. It would just be to fill the space and make me feel like I have done something with this blog and not forgotten it again. But I don't think I will do that either.
I think I will talk about Tomorrow. See I have been working this in my head for the past two or three days. I plan to put it into action on Monday so I don't really have any excuses as to why it is not done. My plan is this. Tomorrow (Monday) when I wake up before I do anything, I need to pray. I might have to pray while in the bathroom. Sometimes that can't be helped. But I figure God likes it when I pray, no matter where I am sitting. But tomorrow I need to pray. I need to be clear, not this wishy washy, well ya know God it would be great if, or I would like it to be. No I need some down and dirty, God, I need help I am addicted to food and I am struggling here. Please help me to resist the temptations that I will no doubt come across today. That kind of prayer.
Second, after the bathroom and while the coffee is waking me up I plan on putting up some sticky signs. One of them being, Take your meds! Where is your wallet? Do you have your purse, don't forget your keys. Make sure your phone is charged and in your pocket. I am going to have signs on the fridge and cabinet that ask me if I really want that.
I know I should be happy and blah blah blah for the Holidays. But I don't need to look like Santa while I do it. Tonight I had Kenny's Ribs. It was a last minute thing and I can't even tell you how happy I was to be eating them. I told myself as the sauce collected at the corners of my lips that I will not eat like this again any time soon. As I licked my fingers I enjoyed the tangyness that screamed over indulgence and I knew that this was my last meal. That slab of charred flesh and bones would be the meal I remember as the last. I am not going to go Vegan and I a not going to drop sugar and white flour off the menu all together. I am just not going to do it to excess. If I have ribs it wont be a full slab. If I have bread it wont be a full loaf. I will make it, I will do this, I will survive.
Well it is time to go digest my ribs so I leave you with these parting words.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for loving me and making me Your child. Thank You for the love and support of my family and friends. I know without them my fight would be never ending and lonely. I love You so very much God. I am so honored that You are my father. Please help me to be a good parent. I am not much for patience, but I know I need to learn to have some. Please help me as I fight this battle with my weight. Help me to know when enough is enough. Please be the whisper in my ear when I am feeling weak. Be the hand on my elbow when I need a push along. Please help me to remember that I am a good person and I need to love myself too. God, please be with my Grandma Kelly. She is so brutally honest about her battle with cancer and she knows her time here is short. Please be with my Uncle Marlin who is in the hospital fighting his own battle. Please be with those who are fighting demons we can not see or hear. Help them to know that they are Your children. In Your name we pray. Amen
I think I will talk about Tomorrow. See I have been working this in my head for the past two or three days. I plan to put it into action on Monday so I don't really have any excuses as to why it is not done. My plan is this. Tomorrow (Monday) when I wake up before I do anything, I need to pray. I might have to pray while in the bathroom. Sometimes that can't be helped. But I figure God likes it when I pray, no matter where I am sitting. But tomorrow I need to pray. I need to be clear, not this wishy washy, well ya know God it would be great if, or I would like it to be. No I need some down and dirty, God, I need help I am addicted to food and I am struggling here. Please help me to resist the temptations that I will no doubt come across today. That kind of prayer.
Second, after the bathroom and while the coffee is waking me up I plan on putting up some sticky signs. One of them being, Take your meds! Where is your wallet? Do you have your purse, don't forget your keys. Make sure your phone is charged and in your pocket. I am going to have signs on the fridge and cabinet that ask me if I really want that.
I know I should be happy and blah blah blah for the Holidays. But I don't need to look like Santa while I do it. Tonight I had Kenny's Ribs. It was a last minute thing and I can't even tell you how happy I was to be eating them. I told myself as the sauce collected at the corners of my lips that I will not eat like this again any time soon. As I licked my fingers I enjoyed the tangyness that screamed over indulgence and I knew that this was my last meal. That slab of charred flesh and bones would be the meal I remember as the last. I am not going to go Vegan and I a not going to drop sugar and white flour off the menu all together. I am just not going to do it to excess. If I have ribs it wont be a full slab. If I have bread it wont be a full loaf. I will make it, I will do this, I will survive.
Well it is time to go digest my ribs so I leave you with these parting words.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for loving me and making me Your child. Thank You for the love and support of my family and friends. I know without them my fight would be never ending and lonely. I love You so very much God. I am so honored that You are my father. Please help me to be a good parent. I am not much for patience, but I know I need to learn to have some. Please help me as I fight this battle with my weight. Help me to know when enough is enough. Please be the whisper in my ear when I am feeling weak. Be the hand on my elbow when I need a push along. Please help me to remember that I am a good person and I need to love myself too. God, please be with my Grandma Kelly. She is so brutally honest about her battle with cancer and she knows her time here is short. Please be with my Uncle Marlin who is in the hospital fighting his own battle. Please be with those who are fighting demons we can not see or hear. Help them to know that they are Your children. In Your name we pray. Amen
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