Its Fall Already?!

Its fall. It is the end of summer and the beginning of fall. Leaves are changing, days are shorter, the weather is cooler and here I am again in the same boat I was in last fall. The gravy boat. I swore I would change, that this was my year. I had so much to accomplish and dreams and and and... Here I am again. A year older, that's all.

I think I am healthier mentally though. I think I am in a better place inside. I have to have that faith before I can change anything. Otherwise next fall I'll be the same.

I have a 5k sneaking up on me. I am not and will not be ready if I don't start now. Well its 30 minutes til bed so not right this second. But the gym is on my way home. I only need to be there 30 minutes. Do half cardio half weights. Just do something. I hate saying tomorrow tomorrow but there will be no waking up if I go tonight.

I don't like veggies much and I don't really care for fresh fruit. I really need to break the sugar habit. Some days I would rather not eat than eat healthy. I know that's wrong. I hate the thought of forcing myself to eat fruit. But tomorrow I will eat an apple! I know its not the most amazing thing in the world but its a start, right?

OK Quick prayer

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the people in my life and the moments we share. You are an amazing God. Amen

Walking in

So it has been 12 days since I stepped into the gym. It has been 12 days with excuses. Some good, some bad, some non existent. But 12 days none the less. I walked in and Kevin greater me. Its obvious that he knows I have been missing. It could be the witty banter that he misses or my beautiful smile or the fact that I haven't been here trying to improve myself. I think it is the latter. I have missed it. I have missed blogging and trying to change my world. But I think that those things got put on the back burner because I am trying to improve my relationship with God first. I know that with him other things will fall into place.

I am not going to try the same old same old. I have realized that I do really well with a schedule. So schedule it is. That doesn't mean planning so far in advance that there is no room for more. It just means that I will have a little more structure in my life. I think that is the only way I will get back to being healthy.

I'm not going to blog long. I am on the stationary bike and need to move along. So here's a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for e everything. Amen

Sabotage

I am more harm to myself than good. I have such a negative self image that it effects everything I do. It spreads like the flu in a kindergarten class. Now not only do I feel like crap about but I accept and expect others to treat me like crap.

This past week I have tried to do something about it. When I shower in the morning I talk to God. I ask for forgiveness for my past and strength for my future. I tell myself I am good enough and I need to forgive myself in order to move on. Its working too.

I know that a negative self image takes more than a few days to change but I can feel a minor shift. Its little stuff really. I have been getting back on track with my fitness pal. I have gotten back to the gym. I haven't been able to do much since I threw out my back but I have been going and doing my physical therapy stretches at least.

This is what I know and I wanted to share. God loves me fat or thin. He wants me to be healthy. I love me. I am learning to love me more and more each passing day. I want me to be healthy too. There is no miracle. No pill will fix me. I have to fix me. I have been sabotaging myself because I haven't let go of my past. I haven't given myself the OK to go on living. Today I will remind myself often that I AM good enough. That I am important and that with God I can do anything and that includes losing weight. I am going to shed the pounds of sadness and grief. I am going to let go of the pounds of remorse that hang from my shoulders. I am going to get rid of all that weighs me down. I am goin to shed this skin and I am going to be the person I know God wants me to be.

All I can worry about is today. That's what matters most