Get off the Pot!! (possitive, totally) But a tad long

The time has come. The choice has been made. I need to get off the pot! I have a great family and great friends. People who are here to support me, to listen to me and to help me through this journey. I need to put on my big girl panties and tie my shoes and step out there. So watch out world here I come.

Today my entire body is aching. But I am not complaining. I know it might sound like that. But I am actually smiling as I say that. In the past few days I have been very active and very physical and very very busy. I need to learn to be smarter with my food.

Thursday I did my best to get a round bale to a paddock. Now let me tell you this is something very challenging. A round bale obviously is round. But when it is sitting it gets a little flat on one side. It has also been out in the snow and thaw, and rain. When dry it weighs 900 pounds. When you push it across flat ground it can be done by one person easily. But the ground was not flat, the round bale was not flat and it was not dry. It took me 15 minutes pushing, shouldering, huffing, turning and praying just to get this thing about 30 feet. I hit a small bump and the bale refused to go any farther. I didn't consider it a failure. I got the bale closer for someone else. I got a great upper body work out. Man my shoulders are killing me today. I don't think I cussed it out either.

In 3 hours on Thursday morning I walked 2 miles.

Friday I went to the barn again. Again I was messing with those round bales. This time I had to peel that thing like an onion. I peeled off  5-10 pound sections and had to toss them over the fence for the horses. One every 10 to 15 feet. That is a pain.

But here is the part of the day that takes the cake...

Aidan was the one working. Lex and I had gone up there to pick our stalls and do some other minor stuff. Well there is this horse Neela, who has a nasty gash on her back leg. Its on the bottom by her ankle, so you have to get down low. Cleaning it is gross and she hates it. Well Aidan was holding her and I was cleaning her cut. She turned the right way and she get me to turn the wrong way. She cow kicked me to the chest and sent me flying. I might have been able to recover if I hadn't been so close to the ground. But I went flying backward and hit the wall and then hit the ground. It was not pretty. I didn't feel the pain right away. All I felt was a hurt sense of pride. I got up. Traded places and helped him finish the cleaning. She got her shot. I put her out to the paddock and told her she was a good girl. I finished my stuff inside and called it a day. It took about an hour and the pain hit. Dave was a nice guy he got us Papa Johns for dinner. I had 3 pieces and a bread stick, not the best choice. But I didn't have to cook.

I didn't let it keep me down long. Later that night I was breaking it down to Funky Town on Dance Central with Lexi. I found something that we all like. Its fun and it doesn't feel like exercise.Found out this white girl can NOT dance lol.

Today I plan on breaking it down with my 2 favorite people again. I don't know what all I will do. My arms don't really want to raise above my head and my back feels like I got slammed up against a wall. But I think I dance to some Funky Town and Poker Face. I don't care if the kids beat me. I'm just in it for the time together.

Lets take this time to say a prayer.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the ache in my muscles. Proof that I fully capable of living an active life thanks to you. Thank you God for opening my eyes to the barn, for leading me down that path. I don't know if I would be there with out you. God I am amazed every day by the beauty that you have laid out in front of me that I had not been able to see because I was so lost in the darkness. Please help me to stay in the light. Help me to walk in a world where all things are possible. To learn to love life. To get knocked on my bottom and to get up, dust myself off and continue on. I could have sat there God. I could have let that horse get the better of me. I could have cried. But I didn't God. I got up. I need you now more then ever. I need you to guide me God. I want to be a better person. When I am weak God, please help me to stand. When I feel like my muscles cant take anymore push me just a little bit further. I am building a foundation for a healthier life mentally, physically and spiritually. I can't do it without you and the help of the people I love most. My family and my friends. Amen

Sabotage

Last Friday I was 1.5 pounds away from 20 pounds lost. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I wanted to put it on Facebook and text the world. But I didn't because I knew better. Today I am 6 pounds away from 20 pounds. Since Friday I have had Aurelio's (totally Yummy) Little Ceasar's, Chinese and I bought Girl Scout Cookies! Does that sound like someone who is serious about losing weight? No, it doesn't. It sounds like someone who is in a serious cycle. I do this all the time. I sabotage myself. Then I give up. I throw my hands in the air and I say I don't understand why I cant do it and I walk away and I drown my sorrows in whatever nasty naughty treat I have on hand. I fall into bed and I cover myself in blankets and pillows and I wallow in self pity and I gain back all of it and then some. Trust me I did not get to be this weight by accident. There was a lot of pity involved. Pity and salty food.

What is it that I am afraid of? Why do I sabotage myself? I think I am afraid that I am going to put all the hard work in and I am not going to be happy. I think I am going to lose the weight and the sadness is still going to be there. I am not going to be happy. I am still going to want the food. It is going to still be a fight. An everyday struggle to make it. I'm afraid that it wont be good enough. That I'll look at myself in the mirror and I'll still see the fat girl. That my husband still wont be attracted to me. Now before any of huffs about that last statement I didn't say that my husband doesn't love me. He loves me more today than he does the day we got married. We are closer than ever. We learn about each other daily. So please don't get your panties in a twist. The problem is that the spark, the attraction has been lost. I am almost twice the woman I was when I met him. I weight 100 pounds more than I did the day we got married. Weight changes attraction. Simple as that. But what if I lose the weight and he isn't attracted to me. That means that there is something else.

But can I continue to sit here and live in the what ifs and maybes? Maybe as I lose weight I'll find myself confidence. Maybe as I lose weight I can find myself more attractive and beautiful and that will radiate and my husband will see it too. Maybe as I lose the weight I will realize that we all struggle, that life is hard, it is painful. But it is in the fight that we learn what we are made of, how strong we are and what we are capable of doing.

Dear God, Thank you for today! Without You I would not be able to fight this battle. I know I am not alone, even when it feels like I am. I know that if I turned to you that you would help me over this mountain. I am ashamed and I have turned from you instead of to you. I feel that I don't deserve your love, I barely feel like I deserve my own. Please help me God to know that I am worthy of your love. That I am worthy of your time. Please help me God to forgive myself the pains in my past that are holding me back and help me to forgive those who have hurt me to let go of the things that are weighing me down. I am tired of the emotional weight that is holding the physical weight closer to me. Amen

Snow way I feel like going outside!!!

Its so cold out!!! Snowmagedon, Snowpocolypse, whatever you want to call it, there's snow way I want to be out there. But on Thursdays I bundle up in 3 or 4 layers and I curse myself 10 or 15 times and I drive down the street and I spend 4 hours working with the horses. Its not so bad when your inside, out of the wind. But when your taking the horses out and running hoses and locking gates and clearing paths and trying not to blind yourself or trip over the snow it is horrible. On those days though something amazing happens. I feel great! I feel the ache in my muscles. I feel refreshed. I feel alive. I smell to high heaven, I sweat like a pig and I usually end up stripping off a layer or two. But I feel good. And I usually end up losing weight from all the hard work that comes with it. But by the time Friday night comes around I don't want to set foot out the door. The euphoria that came with the stretched muscles and fresh air is gone. All I want is to burrow into my blankets and pray that the snow melts over night and that the next day is 50 degrees.

There are so many opportunities that come with snow. So many ways to burn the calories and have fun. But that nip in the air gives me an excuse not to go out. I am lazy and lethargic. Its sad really.

A few days before the blizzard I went sledding with Austin, Becky and her kids. I had a good time. But I waited til almost the end to have a good time. Why? because I was afraid. I was afraid I would get hurt. I was afraid that I would look like a fool. I was afraid I would get down the hill and not be able to get back up. I realize I am missing out on so much because I hide behind myself. I hide behind a camera because I don't want to see how much I weigh in pictures. I hide at the top of the hill because I am afraid I will get hurt. I don't take risks because I'm afraid that someone might make fun of me, that I might embarrass myself, that I might hurt myself or that I might find that I have been missing something or wrong about something all along.

Time to say a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today, for loving me and guiding me on my journey. I am feeling lazy God. I am hiding from my full potential. I am using the weather as an excuse and not an advantage in my weight loss journey. I'm afraid God and I am questioning why. Please God, give me the strength tomorrow to get out there and bask in the sunlight that you have given us. Please guide my heart and my hand that I may do your bidding. Please help me to help others, both man and beast, so that they too may know the comfort and warmth of your love and find shelter in your word. Please help me to watch what I put in my mouth and what words come out of it. Amen

Tomorrow I will bundle up, I will curse a few times at how cold it is and I will drive my happy hind end down the street. I will try to remember that the rewards for the hard work out way the cold. That layers can be shed just like weight and that muscle and confidence can form without being noticed. And one day in the spring when the snow is all gone and the weather is nicer I will notice a different person standing there. Layers of clothing and weight will be lifting away and I will be someone that is happier and more confident. I just need to go out into the day God has given me.