Sabotage

Last Friday I was 1.5 pounds away from 20 pounds lost. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I wanted to put it on Facebook and text the world. But I didn't because I knew better. Today I am 6 pounds away from 20 pounds. Since Friday I have had Aurelio's (totally Yummy) Little Ceasar's, Chinese and I bought Girl Scout Cookies! Does that sound like someone who is serious about losing weight? No, it doesn't. It sounds like someone who is in a serious cycle. I do this all the time. I sabotage myself. Then I give up. I throw my hands in the air and I say I don't understand why I cant do it and I walk away and I drown my sorrows in whatever nasty naughty treat I have on hand. I fall into bed and I cover myself in blankets and pillows and I wallow in self pity and I gain back all of it and then some. Trust me I did not get to be this weight by accident. There was a lot of pity involved. Pity and salty food.

What is it that I am afraid of? Why do I sabotage myself? I think I am afraid that I am going to put all the hard work in and I am not going to be happy. I think I am going to lose the weight and the sadness is still going to be there. I am not going to be happy. I am still going to want the food. It is going to still be a fight. An everyday struggle to make it. I'm afraid that it wont be good enough. That I'll look at myself in the mirror and I'll still see the fat girl. That my husband still wont be attracted to me. Now before any of huffs about that last statement I didn't say that my husband doesn't love me. He loves me more today than he does the day we got married. We are closer than ever. We learn about each other daily. So please don't get your panties in a twist. The problem is that the spark, the attraction has been lost. I am almost twice the woman I was when I met him. I weight 100 pounds more than I did the day we got married. Weight changes attraction. Simple as that. But what if I lose the weight and he isn't attracted to me. That means that there is something else.

But can I continue to sit here and live in the what ifs and maybes? Maybe as I lose weight I'll find myself confidence. Maybe as I lose weight I can find myself more attractive and beautiful and that will radiate and my husband will see it too. Maybe as I lose the weight I will realize that we all struggle, that life is hard, it is painful. But it is in the fight that we learn what we are made of, how strong we are and what we are capable of doing.

Dear God, Thank you for today! Without You I would not be able to fight this battle. I know I am not alone, even when it feels like I am. I know that if I turned to you that you would help me over this mountain. I am ashamed and I have turned from you instead of to you. I feel that I don't deserve your love, I barely feel like I deserve my own. Please help me God to know that I am worthy of your love. That I am worthy of your time. Please help me God to forgive myself the pains in my past that are holding me back and help me to forgive those who have hurt me to let go of the things that are weighing me down. I am tired of the emotional weight that is holding the physical weight closer to me. Amen