Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for loving me. I am struggling right now God. I am trying not to let the "possible" diagnosis get to me. I am trying not to over analyze. I am trying not to.....
I am trying not to think about a future where I have Alzheimer's. I am trying not to think about how much I would miss. I am trying not to cry, but it isn't always easy, God. It isn't always easy. I have been eating almost 2 to 3 times more food since I saw the doctor. I have made excuses and "reasoned" with myself, promising to work out later. But I fail, not I will be honest I have no intentions. I am saying these things to make myself feel better. I say a lot to make myself feel better. I joke because if I don't I think I will lose my mind, I didn't plan that joke. it just came too.
The Doctor told me that the twitch, adhd and ocd may all be part of Tourettes. But what am I supposed to do with that, God? What am I suppose to do with any of this. I am angry and I am sad and I don't get why! Why can't I have a normal life? Why is it every time I turn around I feel like I am falling apart. I'm so tired of this. I want a normal mind, I want a normal brain, God! I'm tired of labels and meds. I am tired of Dr.'s and tests. I want to wake up and feel OK like everyone else. Why is that so hard? Is that to much to ask? What did I do to even be thinking about Alzheimer's at the age of 35?
I know that it isn't personal. I know that you didn't look at me and say I was bad. But I can't help but wonder what I did that my whole life feels like a roller coaster of emotional and mental issues that I wouldn't put on anyone.
I know I have a wonderful family. I know I am blessed with great friends. I try to convince myself not to get worried about it because there is nothing i can do. My next Dr. appointment is in January. So far away. There is nothing that I can do between now and then. Nothing other than remind myself that food is not the answer. Why couldn't I be one of those people who exercises to relieve stress? Who knows maybe if I do have Alzheimer's I will forget that I hate to clean and exercise. Than Dave can have a clean house, even if it means coming home to a stranger every day.
I am terrified, God, I am scared! I want to scream and run and fight and kick. I want my mom.
I know tomorrow I will be OK, God. I will get this through my system and I will continue on. I just need to hold it together.
Dear God, Thank you for today!
2 comments:
As always, my words of unwanted wisdom follow. If you are worried, you are normal. If you are overwhelmed, you are normal. If you're scared, you're normal. If you feel as though you are not normal, you are normal. It's the kooks that walk around thinking that everything is hunky dory.
You're not bad, you're normal. You need a thunk in the noggin from time to time, but so does everyone else.
-Dave
I love you more than you know. Thank you!
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