A Love Story

When I met you for the first time I was a mess. I was broken, damaged! I needed something to make it all better. To make the pain go away. To make me happy again. And I met you. I didn't fall in love right away. We courted. But as time passed the attraction started to fade and we went our separate ways. You never looked back or wondered. At that time I admit I didn't either. But the time came when I was hurting again and I turned to you once more. We did the dance, we laughed, we cuddled in dreamy sleep. Warm and soft in a lovers haze. I admit I liked you more this time than the last. So when we were no longer allowed to see each other I was heart broken. I needed you, I had to see you. I missed your warmth. I wasn't going to let things come between us. I know what they all said. I don't need you. I am better than that. I'll be OK with out you, in time. But time was so cruel. I could go a day or two, hell, maybe even a week without thinking of you. But you would come to me in my dreams. I would try to distract myself. I would ride my bike. I would talk to God and tell him how much it hurts inside with out you there. Sometimes it got better. When I talked to God and I listened, actually listened, I felt whole again. I had given you up. I was done. I knew you were no good for me anymore.

But things happen. My conversations with God started to dwindle, my faith in myself was low. And I admit, I snuck in to see you. I had to. I needed you. Your familiarity was a blanket I wanted to wrap myself in. But I could only see you in short stints. A stolen kiss here and a slip out there. I think I began to love you more than anything I had ever loved before. So when the chance came for us to be together again. I took it. This time I didn't have to hide it. Everyone knew about you. I wasn't ashamed anymore. Amazing part is they all accepted you in my life. Every where I went you were with me. When we did have to separate I made sure to find a way back to you, no matter what it took.

I didn't realize how much control I had given you til I was WAY past the point of letting you go on my own. I couldn't do anything without you there. I couldn't shower alone. I couldn't go out with my friends, I couldn't go out and play with my kids. I couldn't have thoughts of my own without you in my head bringing me down. You were destroying my life. I knew that if I didn't quit you and quit you for good I was going to end up hurting myself, if not killing myself. I had already effected so many other people. My friends were beginning to wonder why I was acting so strange all the time. My husband knew about you. I mean actually KNEW about you and he was done with you too. I knew that I had to end it once and for all. I thought it was going to be hard, and it was, but it wasn't as bad as I had thought. I realized that for a while it sucked. But the sun kept shining and the world kept spinning. Things became brighter again. People would tell me about things I had said or done and I was mortified. I apologized to them and told them the truth. I wasn't myself back then. I was hooked on Vicodin.

Yes, Vicodin. My blanket, my comfort, my escape, my peace. Vicodin, my artificial savior. It has been 4 years since I quit you. I miss you. I miss you as much as I miss your friend cigarette, and I quit him 6 years ago. It's hard some days to get past it. I have to tell Dr.s not to give me pain pills because I am addicted. There is a certain shame that comes with saying it. And a certain sense of pride too. I know I failed and I fell. I know I was lost and I stumbled. But I talked to God, and I talked to my family and I was honest. 100%. I couldn't have done it without them. They gave Lex Vicodin when she had her wisdom teeth pulled. It has been a struggle. I wanted to go and find them and take a few just to remember. But I know better and I walked away. I talked to Dave and told him how I felt. He didn't criticize me for having my feelings like I did. He just reminded me how much better off I am without. That's why I'm writing this. I'm telling you.