3 Stone

I lost 3 pounds this week. YAY ME! It is not official til Monday but I don't want to wait to talk about it til then. I LOST 3 pounds. I LOST three pounds. OK I feel a little better. Actually, I am happy dancing. See this week I did eat out a lot but I made sure that i made wise choices. I had a lot of broccoli this week along with peppers, red and green, and lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber and sprouts. Broiled chicken and steak. My steak was the size of a deck of cards. Today Dave and I went to Ryan's (Don't tell the kids) I started with a salad, a nice big salad. Oh that's another thing. When I have my salads I have the dressing on the side and dip my fork on the dressing before I dig into my greens. Lesson learned from my Weight Watchers days.

I have also been pretty faithful about my gym routine. Twenty minutes on the spinner, do my circuit and then twenty more minutes on the spinner. In, out and over in under an hour. It makes me feel fantastic. I admit I am much better about going to the gym when Becky is with me, but I love to go when she is there. We laugh, we push each other and we make it count. I think that is the best work out.

I really do have so much to blog about but I have been out of cymbalta for 3 days and I finally got some. Well when I don't have my meds, that one in particular, I start to feel like someone is electrocuting me. I don't know if you were like me as a kid and you stuck the 9 volt battery to your tongue to get the little jolt, I know dumb, but it kind of feels like that. So the thought process I was having is kind of zapped out of existence. My train of thought, spider, squirrel, vampire, what? Yeah it is like that.

So more than likely I will have a mid week blog. But I was really excited about the 3 pounds. Crap I just realized 3 Stone makes no sense. But if it makes no sense go back to last weeks blog and read that and it will make sense.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for reminders as to why I need my meds. Thank You for loving me and excepting me for all my short falls. I have a lot more but it hurts to think.
In Your name we pray. Amen

F'n Fitting Rooms!

I hate fitting rooms. The bright florescent light the bare white walls the pants that for all rights and purposes should fit but don't. I hate fitting rooms. I hate the to small space, when I hit my wenis (skin on your elbow) on the pegs that hang off the wall for you to hang your stuff on. I hate their little benches and painfully patterned carpet. I hate fitting rooms. Even my husband hates them, he hates that he doesn't fit in them and he doesn't go into them all that often. Truth of the matter is I hate the truth behind the fitting room door.

I know I am obese. Have known for a while. But when I was trying on pants the other day I remembered how much I hate them. I have a size 20 pants at home that fit enough. So I tried a 20 at the store. Couldn't get them over my ass. I tried a size 22 and I couldn't button them. The one pair of 24's they had left buttoned and zipped but I felt like a mushroom in Mario Brothers. How? I know different cuts and crap. But when I try on several different cuts and nothing works that is a problem.

I was getting all upset in there. I was ready to cry. I was ready to throw things and be angry. But it wasn't the pants fault. It wasn't the mirror or the size of the fitting room it was the Long John Silvers that I had for lunch and the pizza I had for dinner the night before. It was the water I haven't been drinking and the gym membership I haven't been so faithful with. Its the lies I justify and the truths I try to hide. I am no different than a year ago. I just know more, and I choose not to use it.

I could sit here and blame everything else in my life, but why? I am not even going to give an excuse/reason here. I am just going to tell it as it is. I put the pants back on the hangers. I fixed my hair and put my jacket back on. I held my head up when I walked out of the fitting room. When Becky looked at me to see if I was happy I shook my head. She knew in a second what it was. If it was Dave or my kids or anyone else in the world I might have let it go there. But as Becky and I walked out of the store I told her the truth. She didn't criticize me, or laugh at me. She said me too. We walked away talking. The days we had missed at the gym and so on and so forth and we knew that we needed one another.

I have this great glass jar on my desk that says pounds lost. In another jar there are rocks that Becky and I collected from the beach. That jar says poundage. There are 25 in there. Not one has moved. This week I plan to see one make it from poundage to lost.

Short prayer and then off to spend time logging my food.

Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank you for the moments I get to spend with my family. I know that these are the moments that are going to stay with me and my kids for the rest of my life. Thank You for loving me, for making me Your own. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin and the son of a friend from long ago, Noah Galloy, who is waiting for a bone marrow transplant. God please be with us all in our times of need. In Your name we pray. Amen

What a Week

I worked out Monday through Friday. I drank lots of water and I wrote down everything I ate. I gained :(.  I am sad about this and OK about it at the same time.  I am sad because I feel like I have accomplished nothing. I mean seriously I was sweating through all of my workouts. Becky is a slave driver! ( I love her for it) PLUS I had physical therapy 3 days last week. I think they are coming up with new ways to do squats to see if I can make it through them. And I did. The best thing about Physical Therapy is the electro-stim and then leaving lol. I was a beast all week. And that is why I am OK with it.

Dave asked me if some of my issues might be because I went through early menopause. (I had a complete hysterectomy 7 years ago) From the information I have been gathering it might be an issue. I don't take hormone replacement therapy. I LOATHE iron supplements. I am not a great person at remembering to take vitamins. But I am thinking that maybe it would be the boost I need. So I am looking on-line at different menopause supplement's and shaking my head going what the hell? 1000mg of this root and 60IU of that and this and that for memory (ha ha I forgot what they were called.) In the end it is just head scratching and frustrating. I want a pill that says on the box, "Menopause sucks, we are here to help. We can make it so you don't want to kill your children and you don't want to strip in public because you are having a hot flask. We can help control bingo wing and you won't have as many chins as in the Chinese phone book. Your sex drive will be like your 25 again and you will have the energy to get out of bed and wear your big girl panties. You will probably wear the same color shoes to work and you will smile with out having to fake it." I know it is a lot to put on a box and a lot to ask for from a supplements, but damn it I want it all. I am not going to say that weight will never be a problem for me, but I would like to be able to snack and work it off. I mean I can eat a 100 cal. special K protein bar and then when I work out burn 300 calories and still not work off that protein bar. I want a metabolism that is faster than my one legged Uncle Earl. ( OK, I don't have a one legged Uncle Earl, but if I did he would be slow!)

SO  I will continue to work out and I will continue to do research and I might try a bottle of black cohosh, ginko biloba, soy, 10 special ingredients for women's health. Until I find the magic combinations I will just keep on keepin on.

Time for a prayer so I can go back to hanging out with the hubs and kids.

Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for loving me and listening when I am angry. Thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for last night when I wanted to go to the kitchen and snack at 2 a.m. I don't think I could have walked away without You. Thank You for my husband and kids. Please help me to reach my weight loss goals. Keep me strong and smart. Please God, be with my Grandma Kelly and Uncle Marlin. Please be the guiding hand in all that we do, in Your name we pray. Amen

My Life as a Hypocrite

So my husband told me I am a hypocrite. I was astounded at first. How dare he. But he was right, I AM a hypocrite. He told me when we were talking about the insanity that is my house. I can talk til I am blue in the face. I can yell til I don't like the sound of my own voice, but I can't seem to get them to keep the house picked up. It's a constant, pick up your clothes or put away your (insert object that has been sitting out since I told them the same thing the day before.) But as I look around I realize I still haven't put away my clothes, my bedroom is a mess and I can never find my phone, keys, purse or coat. I am the leader of the pack. I can't  expect them to do something I am not willing to do myself. Here is where I whine. I don't wanna clean up. I hate house work. It is overwhelming and annoying and I have to much junk... whine, whine, whine, bitch, moan, complain. It's funny because I clean for a living. But there is a difference, it is other people stuff. I don't have to worry about throwing things away. I dust, I vacuum, I wipe things down and I mop. I don't look at it and say where is this supposed to go. What is the sentimental value of this. Blah Blah.

Now being a hypocrite doesn't end there. I am a food hypocrite and a work out hypocrite. I have no problem looking at someone and thinking "Damn! They could miss a meal or ten." Then I go and I look in a mirror and think "Damn! I could miss a meal or two." or my favorite, "It's water weight!" How much water do I think I am holding, a pool? I tell my kids one pop a day its not good for you and I am on my third. Or I tell them that's enough and then go back and get something else for myself. I am a midnight eater, a drama snacker and a boredom muncher. So how can I look at my daughter and tell her not to do the same. I have been known to look at a particular couple at the gym and say wow they haven't changed a bit. Well truth be known, either have I! I am still the same fatty that walked in there a year ago. I have lost and found the same weight. I have however lost a few inches. But I am still a hypocrite.

I talk bad about myself in front of the kids. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I hate my hair. I am so negative about myself. So what are they taking from all this? I think it is an interesting question and I am going to pay attention and see what answers I come up with. But I am also going to try every day to not be such a hypocrite. I am going to try to correct myself when I am negative and think about what I am teaching the kids. I am no better than my kids. I am not above them. The best way to teach them is by example. So here goes.

Here is a little prayer to get us on our way. I hope every one has a blessed week.

Dear God, Thank You for today. I am sincerely grateful for the time I get to have with my family. I am blessed to be Your child. Thank You Father for loving me and guiding me. I am profoundly grateful for the time that You have given us to celebrate our traditions. I ask that You continue to bless us and watch over us. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they continue their health battles. In Your name we pray. Amen