Seasonal Affect Disorder

Definition given by The Mayo Clinic:

Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

What Seasonal Affect does to my kids:

A.J. :It depresses me because I dont want to see you depressed.

Lex: It means that you ignore me. I talk to you and talk to you and you dont listen. I have to say hey, pay attention to me.

What it means to me

It means that every year I feel like there is no hope. I feel sick all the time. Depression is a heavy load and it wears me down. This is the first year I have ever had a smartphone and it has been my constant companion. Even though I get bored with it, it is always by my side.

This has been the worst winter i have ever had to deal with in my life. There have been more cold and snow days than I can count. When I go outside it isnt for long. There are days I leave the house before the sun rises and after it sets. I have been falling apart so slowly that I didnt even realize I was broken. This is a conversation I have yearly with my family. Usually once I am aware of it I can work toward making a change.

I have been making myself go to the gym. If I dont I will stop. If I stop than all of this is for nothing. I cant keep doing this. I cant keep falling apart. Every year I think I lose something of myself. One day there will be nothing left. I cant let that happen. I will make it through this. This will be the year I not only survive but thrive.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the loving people who support me and build me up. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for helping me out of the fog. I have a long way to go, but I am on the right road. Please, God, help others like me. Help those who cant see a way out of the depression. Help them to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have wanted to give up before, but because of You I havent. Help to guide us from the darkness, I know You are the light. In Your name I pray. Amen

Treadmill Dancer

I am a treadmill dancer. I am one of those people you watch from behind, laughing and wondering if I am going to fall off. I am the girl that gets so involved with her music that you wonder what on Gods green earth she could be listening to to make her act like that. I am sure that someone has made fun of me, I am sure that someone has pointed me out and I am sure that I don't care. I have no problem dancing away on the treadmill when I am not looking at other people but talk to the camera while other people are around and I freak out. But its all good. I will just keep dancing..

That's what I have been thinking for a while. Just keep dancing. I cant dance to save my life and I know I am no better on the treadmill but, whatever, it makes me happy. I like being happy. I am happy when I dance with my nieces. I am happy when I dance in the kitchen and the kids beg me to stop and I like to dance when no one is around. I turn up my music and get a little groove going. Its not pretty. Its kind of like watching something bite an electrical cord. But it feels good and I sweat when I do it.

We are doing a destination race at Anytime Fitness. We are going to Vancouver, the sight of the last Winter Olympics. I love doing destination races. I always feel like I am more accomplished when I have a goal along the way. Between this, Zombies, Run 5k trainer and the 5ks I am picking out I have a lot of goals.

I am planning on doing Running With The Irish, Skedaddle, Necktie Run, Foot Loose 5K, maybe Blacklight Run and I definitely want to do the The Color Run. Of course most of these will be with my BFF Becky!! She is helping to motivate me. She is kicking mileage ass. I need to get my butt moving. I will never keep up if I don't get my ass on the treadmill!!!!

Also this week I am going to be using My Fitness Pal. I realized that I am not losing, no matter how much I run. So I have to track my food.

Well here's my newest vlog entry. Enjoy

Time for a prayer

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and taking care of me. Thank You for protecting me from life's many storms and for guiding me on the right pah. I know with you all things are possible. In Your name I pray. Amen

I am a Rebel

I made an oopsie last week. I said I was part of a Fitness Revolution. I am not. I am part of a Fitness Rebellion. The Fitness Rebellion is not a rebellion against being fit. We are an uprising of people redefining fitness on our own terms.

How would I redefine fitness on my terms? Well my definition of fitness is ... what is my definition of fitness? Well I know I don't want to be a body builder. I don't want to be skinny either. I want to be healthy. I want to run a mile, a whole mile, without walking. Being fit means being able to ride the rides at the amusement park. Being fit is playing sports for more than 5 minutes. Being fit means looking at myself in the mirror and liking my body. Being fit means my heart and lungs are running like a champ.

I want to have muscle and some definition. I know I can get that with lifting. I know this sounds dorky but I like that I can say I like to lift! I never thought I would have said that in a million years. But I like the way it feels after I lift. I am a newb. I cant lift much but I am looking to change that. I want to wear a shirt that says "I Love To Lift!" and mean it.

I have been writing this over a series of days. The positive attitude I felt when I started is pretty much gone. Not because of issues with exercise but because of the pain I feel in my mouth and jaw. Its hard to be positive when the whole left side of my face hurts. Its Tuesday now and I haven't worked out since Thursday. I need to go to the gym, but I am a baby and it is colder here than it is in Alaska. True story. But if I don't get this done I am going to be even more off kilter.

I have been getting rather agitated with my C25K app. It hasn't been recording my workouts so it still shows week 1 I missed a day. Grr. So Shannon at Anytime Fitness showed me the app she has been using. It is Zombies, Run! 5K. Yes I paid for an app. Something I don't like to do, but I am very interested in this one. Not only is it a 5k trainer but it also has exercises through out. I am going to give it a shot this week and see how it goes.

OK here is my week 2 vlog offering.

Here is my prayer for the week.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people I have in my life. The ones who listen to me whine and hold me up instead of putting me down. Thank You for dentists. I might think they are evil now but I know that they are important. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for the roof over my head and the food that I eat and the warmth from the very very nasty weather outside. Thank You for guiding me on Thursday. I know it was you who sent me on the right path. Please be with those who are not so fortunate to have a warm place to call home. Help them to find shelter from the cold and a meal to fill their bellies. Please wrap your arms around them and protect them. In your name I pray. Amen

Trying Something New

I am adding a vlog. I have been interested in the idea for a while. I really decided to do it when I started my couch to 5k. I figured it would keep me pretty honest and it has. I only had 1 video I couldn't get off my phone, but I have the rest and that makes me a happy Girl. Alexis taught me how to do this. I admit the older I get the less I know about computers and other such things. I just want to play a few facebook games and maybe a little Sim City and I am good. I think that if I got back into photography I would pay attention to the computer again. But no camera = no pictures.

I ate better this week but not that great. I had a hard time Saturday. I hate the weekends sometimes. I really need to be out of the house on the weekends. But right now I am not trying to be outside. It is cold out there and I am a baby. But at least I made it to the gym 4 out of 7 days. I am supposed to go today and I have every intention but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I bet if I didn't have a crappy attitude like that I would be losing more weight. HMMM interesting.

My pants don't fit. That is not a good thing that is a bad thing. I do not fit into my jeans. Even my big girl jeans. I have a "uniform" now. Yoga pants, t-shirt and sweat-shirt. Not flattering at all. But I don't have to change when I go to the gym and that feels like a plus to me right now lol. I know that if I continue to exercise I will be able to fit back into my jeans. I look forward to that day. I really do.

I haven't had the money for the personal trainer yet. But I am going to get it together soon. I am really looking forward to working out with her. I am really looking forward to getting my ass kicked. I love Anytime Fitness Michigan City. Kevin and Shannon are great. I am working on being part of a fitness revolution. These guys inspire me to be a better person. Shannon is the one who is going to be kicking my ass. I admit a small part of me is afraid. Ok a big part. I am a baby. I don't like pain and I am very good at making excuses as to why I cant do something. I really need to change that attitude. Truth be told there is very little I cant do. I just have to have faith in myself.

Alexis just came out and told me how many e-mails she has from colleges. OMG College. I have 2.5 years left til she goes to college. That right there hit me like a ton of bricks. I am getting old. I do not want to take her to look at colleges and be out of breath walking around campus. I want to be able to see everything without stopping. So there is another fitness goal right there.

Well I am going to say a short prayer and then I am off to conquer the rest of the day.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank You for the people who support me on my journey. I am so very blessed. Thank You for the body I am in, today I am able to get out of bed and move and that is a blessing. Thank You for loving me not because of the promises I make or the things I offer, but because I am your child. I look forward to the days to come and all that they have to offer. In Your name I pray. Amen

Mirrors

I have 1.5 mirrors in my house. The medicine cabinet in the bathroom and a full length mirror that now hangs on the bathroom door. Once upon a time the full length hung on the other side of the bathroom door, but the over the door hangers holding it on broke and for a long time it has sat propped up against the wall. The medicine cabinet only shows to just below the shoulders. So I never see the rest of my body in that one and the full length was always at a weird angle so I never got a good look at myself in that one. So I was kind of piecing myself together.

Well let me tell you, I do NOT like the mirror where it is now. I don't know who that mirror thinks it is to add so much damn weight but there is no way it is right. It must be a trick mirror. It has to be because there is no way I am that large.

But I am.

I am not two off kilter images melded together, I am one person, one body, one mind. I saw myself today, all of me and I was ashamed. I try not to look in mirrors when I try something on. Trying on is so I can see if it fits. If it fits then maybe I will see if it looks good. I looked at myself in the mirror and it did not look good.

I am not going to let this send me into a crying eating binge. Nope, not this girl. I am going to use that mirror daily. I am going to look at myself. All of me, either while the kids sleep or maybe when no one is home. I am going to own this body because it is on the way out. I start my couch to 5k tomorrow. It would have been last week, but we got hit with a blizzard and my car died. So it has been a struggle. But you wanna know what I didn't do? I didn't freak out when all this was going on. When money was flying out the window for the car and the insulation that never got put up. I didn't panic. I just pulled my big girl panties up and figured it out.

OK a prayer and then I am going to go read the beginners running book that my loving husband bought me last year.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people I have in my life. I am a very blessed person. Thank You for my wonderful husband and my amazing kids. Thank You for dying on the cross for me and taking my sins away. Please be with those who are sick and suffering. Help those who are lost and love those who feel they are unlovable. In Your name we pray. Amen

Holy Snow Bat Girl

Church sign in Chicago : Who ever is praying for snow, Please Stop! Damn straight. Actually the snow isn't bothering me. I wish I had more milk in the house but it is what it is. (I ran to the gas station while writing this. I now have milk and coffee creamer) We will survive just fine. We are a hardy bunch and as long as the electric stays on we are good as gold. School has been cancelled for Monday so the kids are happy. I don't have to work on Monday so I am happy and I am hoping the hubby has the day off too.

In the past week I have shoveled more snow than I remember shoveling in the past 5 years. My drive way isn't short.

It is probably 60 feet long and at most points wide enough for two cars. It took 3 shovels and 4 people to get my husbands truck out. Yeah loads of fun. At least this year he parked in my driveway, unlike years past where we would shovel on driveway then the other and his is bigger than mine. 

Shoveling snow is no easy task, I was sweating and grunting. My arms legs and back were screaming and I was smiling. I haven't been able to get to the gym because the roads are just God awful horrible. So I am getting my exercise in, in the drive way. I am trying to put picks on here but damn it if this crappy ass computer wont work with my phone. But any who. I found out how awesome moisture wicking shirts are. My coat was drenched, my pants, my shoes, everything. Everything except my shirt. It was nice and dry and comfy. I know I will be out there shoveling again later, kind of excited. More exercise. I don't feel so bad missing the gym.

 

I put the pictures up and now I cant get this dumb thing to work right. I am about to throw this computer into the snow, so I think I am going to go. 

I hope everyone is safe and warm in this weather. It is a widow maker kind of snow so please if you aren't feeling well or you are older, ask someone to do it for you. I don't want to go to weather related funerals.

Time for prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my family, I am so very blessed to have them. Thank You for the snow, although people are grumbling I am glad that we have this. Thank You for the strength to shovel my own drive and take care of my family. Please watch out for all those who can not be safe at home with their families. Help to comfort and shelter those who are homeless and hungry and need a place to stay. In your name we pray. Amen