I was on the phone with my friend Becky this morning and she told me something that made me sit back and think. It made me think very hard. So I felt the need to share it with you. She told me about the service at her church this past Sunday. They talked about suicide and the fact that suicide is a sin, as we all know. It doesn't matter if we do it with a gun, a car, a rope or a bottle. Or with food. That part is the part that got my attention as it did hers. If you think about it, over eating, gorging ourselves, spiking our blood sugars and blood pressures is killing us. It doesn't matter if it takes 20 seconds, 20 minutes or 20 years. Aren't we in the end killing ourselves by shoveling the food in our mouths? The pastor made a very interesting point. Truth is, he's right. And it bothers me. A lot.
So let me tell you why this is hard for me. When I was in my teens and early 20's I wanted to die. I tried to kill myself. Maybe it was for attention, a cry for help, maybe it wasn't. I try not to remember what it was like or who I was then. But I do know what it is like and who I am now.
For some there is a desperation, a sadness an emptiness there that can't seem to be filled. Some people fill it with sex. Some fill it with drugs or alcohol. Some fill it with anger and hate. Some fill it with Love. But there are some, like me, who fill it with food and self-loathing. I sit down and I promise myself that I will not eat til the hole inside of me is topped off. I will only eat til my stomach has enough to fuel my body. But the bottomless pit of self-loathing seems to over ride the stomach. Its almost like I am tying the rope around my neck and taking a step closer to the edge. Every day I get closer. Every extra scoop of ice cream. Every brownie by the refrigerator light is a small little step forward. How many steps are there till I fall? How many steps till my body gives out? Do I want to die like this? Do I really want to kill myself over sugary snacks that make my head spin, but not always in a good way. That make my stomach ache? Do I want to see my kids as parents and my grand kids with their kids? Who am I that I am that selfish to put my own wants before the lives of my family? Don't get me wrong a brownie now and then is not a noose, but junk food and sodium over load everyday is a coffin. I don't want to die. Not like that. I want to die old. I want to die feeling I accomplished something. I want to travel. I want to dance. I want to wear a 2 piece bathing suit in my 50's. I want to learn to ski. I want to run a marathon. I cant do that and try to kill myself at the same time.
I want to take a moment and pray.
Dear God, Thank you for today. For the chance to love you and learn from you. God, please look over and help the people who are suffering and are in their darkest moments. At these moments of despair they don't know what to do. Please help them to find the strength to make the right choices to get up off of their knees and to find their way back to you. For you are truly the answer to all of our problems. Please help those who are unable to get off of their knees. May their lost souls make it to you. Please hear their prayers. God please hear the prayers of sinners like me. People who are slowly killing ourselves. We do not want to kill ourselves. We want to live, but sometimes we just don't have the strength to go on. Protect me Father, Please. Amen
Please pray tonight for those who are suffering. I am sure we all know someone who has lost someone to suicide. It is haunting. I went to a funeral about 8 years ago for a girl who was my friends cousin. I knew her casually. When I went up there to pay my respects all I could think was this.'If you only knew, things get better. It gets different. God loves You, You just have to listen to what he is saying.'
Are you listening?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Clean up on Aisle 10
I know they say you should never go the store hungry. I get this but sometimes as a mom this is hard. If I go in the morning then I go hungry. Because truth is I hate eating in the morning. It always makes me sick. Then I feel like crap all day long. If I go in the afternoon then I have the "mommy" crowd. These are the people, God bless their souls, because I was one of them once upon a time, who have to bring their little ones to the store with them. Their little hands grabbing at things on the shelves. Someone is crying, or screaming or wandering off. Mom is looking at this or getting frustrated. And I am trying my best to be a good christian and not snap off at someone else's children. So as I stand behind the herd I grab the box of crackers I had kind of thought of getting and through it in the cart. I finally make my way to the end of the aisle get the one small item I needed and head down to the next.
Grocery shopping is so hard. There are so many tasty things that I want. Candys and cookies and cakes and sweets. What is so tasty about whole Wheat? Really? It tastes like cardboard. When I stand there and look at things in the aisle and the "healthy" food cost more then the "junk" food it hurts. If I could afford it I would do Peapod or something on that order. Just so I didn't have to sit here and look at this.
But here I am. I have stressed out shopping on a Saturday. I have also opened a bag of chips and started eating them as I shopped because I was hungry and if I didn't eat them as I ate I was going to buy and eat everything else in the the store. I have shopped at every hour in the day and night. Tonight my shopping buddy and I will be shopping at 8....... p.m.
8 p.m. is a good time. Especially on a Friday. most moms are at home with their husbands and kids. Most "tween" and teens are out with their peers and not at the grocery store. There is no last minute dinner dash after (insert sport here). Most of the wheelchair cart crowd are safely at home because their drivers are out driving themselves around. The weekend has begun. I am going from Mommy mode to Tina mode. I can look at the price of what I am buying. not just swipe it off the shelf. If I ate dinner its all good. If I didn't I can have a light snack before I go and I am still all good.
Healthy food doesn't look so bad when your not stressed. I love the look of fresh fruit. I love the smell off pineapple. The bitter taste of it. Green grapes make me smile, and they are on sale this week. Bonus!!! The soft skin of kiwi and peaches. The zest of an orange. I enjoy fresh spinach as well. On a crispy bed of lettuce with fresh tomato. Why that is heaven of course. Who doesn't love corn on the cob? Personally I could add onions, red or white, to almost anything. Potatoes are hearty. Peppers add color to everything from salad to potatoes to eggs and hamburgers. Now see those are the things that I forget about. I don't need the "healthy whole wheat's" I need more of the healthy organics. I need my veggies and my fruits. My dairy and my white meats.
So here is my prayer.
Dear God, When I am at the store today please help me to keep my hand out of the cookie jar. I don't need to fill up on snacks and fats and sugars. Please help me to fill up on fruits and veggies. Help me to feed my soul and fuel my body as it needs not to over indulge my body and destroy it. I am tired of living in an over stuffed fat suit. Please God remind me that you provide me with the fruit from the tree and the plant from the ground and that is all that I truly need. Amen.
Lets Eat
Grocery shopping is so hard. There are so many tasty things that I want. Candys and cookies and cakes and sweets. What is so tasty about whole Wheat? Really? It tastes like cardboard. When I stand there and look at things in the aisle and the "healthy" food cost more then the "junk" food it hurts. If I could afford it I would do Peapod or something on that order. Just so I didn't have to sit here and look at this.
But here I am. I have stressed out shopping on a Saturday. I have also opened a bag of chips and started eating them as I shopped because I was hungry and if I didn't eat them as I ate I was going to buy and eat everything else in the the store. I have shopped at every hour in the day and night. Tonight my shopping buddy and I will be shopping at 8....... p.m.
8 p.m. is a good time. Especially on a Friday. most moms are at home with their husbands and kids. Most "tween" and teens are out with their peers and not at the grocery store. There is no last minute dinner dash after (insert sport here). Most of the wheelchair cart crowd are safely at home because their drivers are out driving themselves around. The weekend has begun. I am going from Mommy mode to Tina mode. I can look at the price of what I am buying. not just swipe it off the shelf. If I ate dinner its all good. If I didn't I can have a light snack before I go and I am still all good.
Healthy food doesn't look so bad when your not stressed. I love the look of fresh fruit. I love the smell off pineapple. The bitter taste of it. Green grapes make me smile, and they are on sale this week. Bonus!!! The soft skin of kiwi and peaches. The zest of an orange. I enjoy fresh spinach as well. On a crispy bed of lettuce with fresh tomato. Why that is heaven of course. Who doesn't love corn on the cob? Personally I could add onions, red or white, to almost anything. Potatoes are hearty. Peppers add color to everything from salad to potatoes to eggs and hamburgers. Now see those are the things that I forget about. I don't need the "healthy whole wheat's" I need more of the healthy organics. I need my veggies and my fruits. My dairy and my white meats.
So here is my prayer.
Dear God, When I am at the store today please help me to keep my hand out of the cookie jar. I don't need to fill up on snacks and fats and sugars. Please help me to fill up on fruits and veggies. Help me to feed my soul and fuel my body as it needs not to over indulge my body and destroy it. I am tired of living in an over stuffed fat suit. Please God remind me that you provide me with the fruit from the tree and the plant from the ground and that is all that I truly need. Amen.
Lets Eat
Monday, January 24, 2011
Eating brownies by the refrigerator light
I'm going to start this with a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today! Several times today I have felt your hand on my shoulder holding me back. Keeping me from losing my temper and snapping off at people. One of these people being my daughter. Thank you for helping me to watch my words. To remember that the things I say effect others and to treat others as I would want to be treated. God being nice and watching what I say and how I respond to people can be stressful and I have shoved food in my mouth to often to keep my mouth occupied. God please help me to put in my mouth the right words and the right food and keep the wrong ones out. Amen
I stood in the kitchen at 3:30 eating a brownie by the light of the refrigerator. I would have eaten by darkness but I needed milk to get the brownie down. The tears streaming down my cheeks, if bottled, probably could have rinsed down the brownie but they did nothing but burn my cheeks instead. At 10 o'clock I had told myself I was not going to have this brownie. I didn't need it I was full, I was good. I was working hard on getting myself to a happier weight. At 12 o'clock I told myself that I just needed to go to sleep once I was asleep I would be OK. At 1:30 the dog wanted out. I went to the bathroom and paced passed the fridge telling myself I could do it. I could make it. I was strong enough to get through the night with out that damn brownie. I told myself I had God on my side I had a promise to myself. I had a goal. I had a dream. I had a dress. A date with my husband. a bathing suit. I wanted to feel better in my own skin.
But when the dog and her over active bladder woke me at 3:30 I crumbled. I blamed someone who wasn't there. I blamed my 10 o'clock self. I said you know if she had only let me have the brownie at 10 then I wouldn't be standing here crying and eating it in secret at 3:30. I/She should know better. I always cave in. The tears burned by cheeks and as I shoved the pasty pastry into my mouth I think tomorrow I will get it together. Tomorrow I will drink more water. I will exercise. I will do something to make up for this brownie. I will talk to God. I will be better. I will be better than this. Than I am right now. But I never am. Mostly because I am only saying it to myself. I am not saying it out loud. I don't even think I am saying it in a way where I want God to hear it, even thought I know he does. But today I am.
God, I need to watch the words that come out of my mouth. The good words and the bad. I need to remember my promises. I need to speak to people with respect and consideration. I need to remember that I am worthy of more than empty calories, empty promises and empty emotions.
On the exercise front, it is going to be an interesting week. We have to gut all 32 stalls at the barn this week. I am going to be helping on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. It is back breaking, smelly work. It will make you ache in places you thought you didn't have. I am looking forward to it. I need the exercise and I am enjoying the physical work more than I am the "workouts". There is something to be said about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done, and done well. I cant wait for the weather to get nicer. It is 2 miles straight down to the barn. I plan on riding my bike there a lot this year. Nothing like bike riding and shoveling shit to build muscle!
Dear God, Thank you for today! Several times today I have felt your hand on my shoulder holding me back. Keeping me from losing my temper and snapping off at people. One of these people being my daughter. Thank you for helping me to watch my words. To remember that the things I say effect others and to treat others as I would want to be treated. God being nice and watching what I say and how I respond to people can be stressful and I have shoved food in my mouth to often to keep my mouth occupied. God please help me to put in my mouth the right words and the right food and keep the wrong ones out. Amen
I stood in the kitchen at 3:30 eating a brownie by the light of the refrigerator. I would have eaten by darkness but I needed milk to get the brownie down. The tears streaming down my cheeks, if bottled, probably could have rinsed down the brownie but they did nothing but burn my cheeks instead. At 10 o'clock I had told myself I was not going to have this brownie. I didn't need it I was full, I was good. I was working hard on getting myself to a happier weight. At 12 o'clock I told myself that I just needed to go to sleep once I was asleep I would be OK. At 1:30 the dog wanted out. I went to the bathroom and paced passed the fridge telling myself I could do it. I could make it. I was strong enough to get through the night with out that damn brownie. I told myself I had God on my side I had a promise to myself. I had a goal. I had a dream. I had a dress. A date with my husband. a bathing suit. I wanted to feel better in my own skin.
But when the dog and her over active bladder woke me at 3:30 I crumbled. I blamed someone who wasn't there. I blamed my 10 o'clock self. I said you know if she had only let me have the brownie at 10 then I wouldn't be standing here crying and eating it in secret at 3:30. I/She should know better. I always cave in. The tears burned by cheeks and as I shoved the pasty pastry into my mouth I think tomorrow I will get it together. Tomorrow I will drink more water. I will exercise. I will do something to make up for this brownie. I will talk to God. I will be better. I will be better than this. Than I am right now. But I never am. Mostly because I am only saying it to myself. I am not saying it out loud. I don't even think I am saying it in a way where I want God to hear it, even thought I know he does. But today I am.
God, I need to watch the words that come out of my mouth. The good words and the bad. I need to remember my promises. I need to speak to people with respect and consideration. I need to remember that I am worthy of more than empty calories, empty promises and empty emotions.
On the exercise front, it is going to be an interesting week. We have to gut all 32 stalls at the barn this week. I am going to be helping on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. It is back breaking, smelly work. It will make you ache in places you thought you didn't have. I am looking forward to it. I need the exercise and I am enjoying the physical work more than I am the "workouts". There is something to be said about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done, and done well. I cant wait for the weather to get nicer. It is 2 miles straight down to the barn. I plan on riding my bike there a lot this year. Nothing like bike riding and shoveling shit to build muscle!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Unintentionally mean with a side of grease
When I am sick, as I am now, a few things happen.
1. I am sick! (Obvious, I know)
2. I am seriously irritable. More like unintentionably mean.
3. I eat alot when I am sick. You would think it is the opposite but it isnt.
4. I am angry all the time.
I think before I really get into this I need to say a little prayer. Something I havent done in a few days.
Dear God, I am sick and I am cranky and I am mean. I am taking my anger and frustration out on everyone around me. I dont feel good and I am blaming everyone else. I am fueling my anger and my body with greasy food. I inhale it and use its high caloric intake to give me the energy to get through the next few minutes and maybe an hour or two. But the truth is all it does it fuel my anger and self loathing and make my insides feel yucky. God I am a jumbled mess right now. I hurt inside, spiritually physically and emotionally. God please help me. Please give me the strength to know which battles to fight and to know when to rest and let my body prepare for the next battle. Please God help me to rid myelf of this nasty person inside me. I need to cleans my system and I know I cant do it alone. I am tired of being bitter and mean. Amen.
I wanted to say that prayer before I started here because I have been just a bitter mean person and it seems that when I pray I am not as bitter for a while. I didnt want to carry that over here.
I have been fueling myself with every form of grease for the past few days. When I realized I was getting sick I hit every form of fast food in the area. Of course in my head I had justification. First it was a girls day with Becky. Got my hair cut, Pedicure and we got Chinese for lunch. That night the stove broke, so we had Wendy's.
I felt horrible Thursday and spent most of the day in bed. I wouldnt have done anything if is wasnt for the fact I had to go get Lexi from the barn. I wasin my pajamas and was only supposed to be there for a minute. Well I was there for 3 hours. We ended up with a sick horse and I walked for 2 hours in the cold in the arena in circles IN MY PAJAMAS AND SLIPPERS. Horses can not vomit, little bit of horse knowledge for ya. But they can choke. So I had to force him to drink, shake his throat and make him walk to get him to cough up a hay ball. It was disgusting. By the end of the night I was covered in all kinds of nasty. The bright part. Dave cooked. Bad part. I got sicker.
Friday I craved grease and I got it. Gyros and pizza and little caesars crazy bread. Pop corn and chocolate. I cant seem to get enough food. I ate amd complained ate and complained and when there was no food i was even meaner. When the kids fought I got meaner. I wanted to crawl out of my skin a few times becasue I was so hot and sweaty. I was in so much pain and everything in me hurt. I felt like I had just crawled out of a sauna and laid down in a snow bank. I was and still am right now feeling mean and ready to fight. I think I may have gotten nasty with my boss over the phone. When I am feeling better I will apologize to her. If I tried right now I think I would end up without a job.
I feel toxic. I feel like sludge is running through me. I would give anything to feel better. I feel my heart beat in my brain. I can hear my sinus' draining. If I move to fast (which in truth means if I move at all) I see tracers. My mom calls them flashes. My joints hurt.
Now that I have bitched enough lets see if I can squeeze something good into this.
There is a photography showing here in Michigan City and I have a chance to put some of my pictures into it. But I am a little nervous. I think I am going to sit out this months and wait until next month to put anything in. BUT I am going to go to the showing and take a look around and see what they have in there. Check out some of the others artists and see what kind of framing and mating and price range we are talking. If it is way beyond my ability then I am going to wait til I am more prepared. If I am going to put something in then there is someone out there who is actually going to get a framed picture first. Her name is Sandee, besides my family who have a ton of my pictures, she is one of the few people who has commented on how much she loves my pictures. So she is the first. Now if I could figure out why blogger and my computer are having a love hate relationship and they wont do spell check or insert a picture or any of that other crap I might be able to get a picture of my own on here.
Well the crankiness is creeping in so Im out. I really hope in a day or two this still makes sense.
1. I am sick! (Obvious, I know)
2. I am seriously irritable. More like unintentionably mean.
3. I eat alot when I am sick. You would think it is the opposite but it isnt.
4. I am angry all the time.
I think before I really get into this I need to say a little prayer. Something I havent done in a few days.
Dear God, I am sick and I am cranky and I am mean. I am taking my anger and frustration out on everyone around me. I dont feel good and I am blaming everyone else. I am fueling my anger and my body with greasy food. I inhale it and use its high caloric intake to give me the energy to get through the next few minutes and maybe an hour or two. But the truth is all it does it fuel my anger and self loathing and make my insides feel yucky. God I am a jumbled mess right now. I hurt inside, spiritually physically and emotionally. God please help me. Please give me the strength to know which battles to fight and to know when to rest and let my body prepare for the next battle. Please God help me to rid myelf of this nasty person inside me. I need to cleans my system and I know I cant do it alone. I am tired of being bitter and mean. Amen.
I wanted to say that prayer before I started here because I have been just a bitter mean person and it seems that when I pray I am not as bitter for a while. I didnt want to carry that over here.
I have been fueling myself with every form of grease for the past few days. When I realized I was getting sick I hit every form of fast food in the area. Of course in my head I had justification. First it was a girls day with Becky. Got my hair cut, Pedicure and we got Chinese for lunch. That night the stove broke, so we had Wendy's.
I felt horrible Thursday and spent most of the day in bed. I wouldnt have done anything if is wasnt for the fact I had to go get Lexi from the barn. I wasin my pajamas and was only supposed to be there for a minute. Well I was there for 3 hours. We ended up with a sick horse and I walked for 2 hours in the cold in the arena in circles IN MY PAJAMAS AND SLIPPERS. Horses can not vomit, little bit of horse knowledge for ya. But they can choke. So I had to force him to drink, shake his throat and make him walk to get him to cough up a hay ball. It was disgusting. By the end of the night I was covered in all kinds of nasty. The bright part. Dave cooked. Bad part. I got sicker.
Friday I craved grease and I got it. Gyros and pizza and little caesars crazy bread. Pop corn and chocolate. I cant seem to get enough food. I ate amd complained ate and complained and when there was no food i was even meaner. When the kids fought I got meaner. I wanted to crawl out of my skin a few times becasue I was so hot and sweaty. I was in so much pain and everything in me hurt. I felt like I had just crawled out of a sauna and laid down in a snow bank. I was and still am right now feeling mean and ready to fight. I think I may have gotten nasty with my boss over the phone. When I am feeling better I will apologize to her. If I tried right now I think I would end up without a job.
I feel toxic. I feel like sludge is running through me. I would give anything to feel better. I feel my heart beat in my brain. I can hear my sinus' draining. If I move to fast (which in truth means if I move at all) I see tracers. My mom calls them flashes. My joints hurt.
Now that I have bitched enough lets see if I can squeeze something good into this.
There is a photography showing here in Michigan City and I have a chance to put some of my pictures into it. But I am a little nervous. I think I am going to sit out this months and wait until next month to put anything in. BUT I am going to go to the showing and take a look around and see what they have in there. Check out some of the others artists and see what kind of framing and mating and price range we are talking. If it is way beyond my ability then I am going to wait til I am more prepared. If I am going to put something in then there is someone out there who is actually going to get a framed picture first. Her name is Sandee, besides my family who have a ton of my pictures, she is one of the few people who has commented on how much she loves my pictures. So she is the first. Now if I could figure out why blogger and my computer are having a love hate relationship and they wont do spell check or insert a picture or any of that other crap I might be able to get a picture of my own on here.
Well the crankiness is creeping in so Im out. I really hope in a day or two this still makes sense.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Fear and Food
I will admit that when I am afraid I eat. I am a very emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, sad, afraid, depressed, overwhelmed, silly, whenever, bored, confussed. But I like to eat. I have been having some health issues as of late with my blood sugar. I get to feeling confused and dizzy and light headed and I feel stupid and nervous and shaky. I eat thenI am irritable and cranky and my skin hurts. Also my skin has been tingly lately. That pins and needles feeling. So I went to the dr last month and got some meds. Which I admit I havent been taking as I should. Tomorrows goal is to get back on med track. So I have been eating like crap and feeling like crap.
Well the past couple days for some reason I have been stressed and afraid for health and financial reasons and I have been eating like the world is ending and I have a two day pass to an all you can eat buffet that needs to be used. Non stop eating. Excuse after excuse. headache (literal) after headache. My mood sucks. I feel like a moose. I am snappy and cranky and tired. And damn I am so tired of my nose and lip and cheeks having that pins and needles feeling. It sucks. So I was at the pharmacy and I decided to get a glucose monitor. The OneTouch UltraMini. I could have waited til my insurance stopped being a P.I.T.A. but it was on sale so what the hell. Problem one. I didnt realize there were no test strips. So I will test it tomorrow.
Well I hope tomorrow is a better day. Its cleaning day around here. I am hoping that while clearing away the crap in my house I can clear away some of the crap in my head and my heart and find a way to treat myself like I should and love myself enough to do this right.
Quick prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. I know it might now have been the day I wanted it to be, but it was another day that you have given me and for that I am truely grateful. I need to learn that my strength lies in you. When I feel weak, when I feel confussed or tempted, it is you who will carry me. You are my rock. All I have to do is turn and ask with my whole heart and you will provide. Amen.
OMG my dog flippin has the nastiest gas. UGH!!!!! I think she needs some clensing
Well the past couple days for some reason I have been stressed and afraid for health and financial reasons and I have been eating like the world is ending and I have a two day pass to an all you can eat buffet that needs to be used. Non stop eating. Excuse after excuse. headache (literal) after headache. My mood sucks. I feel like a moose. I am snappy and cranky and tired. And damn I am so tired of my nose and lip and cheeks having that pins and needles feeling. It sucks. So I was at the pharmacy and I decided to get a glucose monitor. The OneTouch UltraMini. I could have waited til my insurance stopped being a P.I.T.A. but it was on sale so what the hell. Problem one. I didnt realize there were no test strips. So I will test it tomorrow.
Well I hope tomorrow is a better day. Its cleaning day around here. I am hoping that while clearing away the crap in my house I can clear away some of the crap in my head and my heart and find a way to treat myself like I should and love myself enough to do this right.
Quick prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. I know it might now have been the day I wanted it to be, but it was another day that you have given me and for that I am truely grateful. I need to learn that my strength lies in you. When I feel weak, when I feel confussed or tempted, it is you who will carry me. You are my rock. All I have to do is turn and ask with my whole heart and you will provide. Amen.
OMG my dog flippin has the nastiest gas. UGH!!!!! I think she needs some clensing
Monday, January 17, 2011
Where it all begins
Well here I am. I have decided to start doing this because it is time for a change. I cant keep doing this to myself. The constant yo-yo of dieting. the happiness that comes from the pounds falling away and the cheating that comes days after when I say oh well I can take it right back off. So I decided that I am going to start this with a prayer.
Dear God, please help me. I am in trouble and I am afraid. I am 248 pounds. I am afraid that if I don't lose weight I am going to become a diabetic and make myself sicker and eventually I am going to let my weight DESTROY MY HEALTH AND I AM GOING TO DIE. I am sad and depressed. I do not live my life the way that I know I can, the way I know I should. I do not live it with you first. I live it with food and loathing first. I can not say that I am doing my best to be a good Christian. It would be a lie. God, please help me. I need you. Please hold me up when I am weak. When I feel I can not walk, please carry me. When I want to run to the table and devour dessert please lead me to the fruit of the tree. Help me to see the sun light. To feel the wind on my face. Please help me to feel the ache in my muscle from hard work and the satisfaction from a job well done. Let these things and your love fill me up inside in a way that no food can. So that I can spread your word and I can sing your praise and I can be the mother, daughter, wife and child of God that I know you have made me to be. Amen
I have been told I need to set a mini goal and stick to it. Not to make it a weight goal. But to make it a very achievable goal. So for this week I want to drink 2 bottles of water a day. Sounds small but I am not a big water fan.SO water in any form is a good thing.When the weather breaks I am gonna get my butt outside.
I have not been a very good volunteer because it has been so cold. I need to get out there and brave the cold. Horses need clean stalls and food in the cold just as much as they do int the heat. Plus it is good for me to get out. It doesn't matter what you do for activity, just as long as you get out there and do something, right?
Well, here's to something.
Dear God, please help me. I am in trouble and I am afraid. I am 248 pounds. I am afraid that if I don't lose weight I am going to become a diabetic and make myself sicker and eventually I am going to let my weight DESTROY MY HEALTH AND I AM GOING TO DIE. I am sad and depressed. I do not live my life the way that I know I can, the way I know I should. I do not live it with you first. I live it with food and loathing first. I can not say that I am doing my best to be a good Christian. It would be a lie. God, please help me. I need you. Please hold me up when I am weak. When I feel I can not walk, please carry me. When I want to run to the table and devour dessert please lead me to the fruit of the tree. Help me to see the sun light. To feel the wind on my face. Please help me to feel the ache in my muscle from hard work and the satisfaction from a job well done. Let these things and your love fill me up inside in a way that no food can. So that I can spread your word and I can sing your praise and I can be the mother, daughter, wife and child of God that I know you have made me to be. Amen
I have been told I need to set a mini goal and stick to it. Not to make it a weight goal. But to make it a very achievable goal. So for this week I want to drink 2 bottles of water a day. Sounds small but I am not a big water fan.SO water in any form is a good thing.When the weather breaks I am gonna get my butt outside.
I have not been a very good volunteer because it has been so cold. I need to get out there and brave the cold. Horses need clean stalls and food in the cold just as much as they do int the heat. Plus it is good for me to get out. It doesn't matter what you do for activity, just as long as you get out there and do something, right?
Well, here's to something.
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