I'm going to start this with a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today! Several times today I have felt your hand on my shoulder holding me back. Keeping me from losing my temper and snapping off at people. One of these people being my daughter. Thank you for helping me to watch my words. To remember that the things I say effect others and to treat others as I would want to be treated. God being nice and watching what I say and how I respond to people can be stressful and I have shoved food in my mouth to often to keep my mouth occupied. God please help me to put in my mouth the right words and the right food and keep the wrong ones out. Amen
I stood in the kitchen at 3:30 eating a brownie by the light of the refrigerator. I would have eaten by darkness but I needed milk to get the brownie down. The tears streaming down my cheeks, if bottled, probably could have rinsed down the brownie but they did nothing but burn my cheeks instead. At 10 o'clock I had told myself I was not going to have this brownie. I didn't need it I was full, I was good. I was working hard on getting myself to a happier weight. At 12 o'clock I told myself that I just needed to go to sleep once I was asleep I would be OK. At 1:30 the dog wanted out. I went to the bathroom and paced passed the fridge telling myself I could do it. I could make it. I was strong enough to get through the night with out that damn brownie. I told myself I had God on my side I had a promise to myself. I had a goal. I had a dream. I had a dress. A date with my husband. a bathing suit. I wanted to feel better in my own skin.
But when the dog and her over active bladder woke me at 3:30 I crumbled. I blamed someone who wasn't there. I blamed my 10 o'clock self. I said you know if she had only let me have the brownie at 10 then I wouldn't be standing here crying and eating it in secret at 3:30. I/She should know better. I always cave in. The tears burned by cheeks and as I shoved the pasty pastry into my mouth I think tomorrow I will get it together. Tomorrow I will drink more water. I will exercise. I will do something to make up for this brownie. I will talk to God. I will be better. I will be better than this. Than I am right now. But I never am. Mostly because I am only saying it to myself. I am not saying it out loud. I don't even think I am saying it in a way where I want God to hear it, even thought I know he does. But today I am.
God, I need to watch the words that come out of my mouth. The good words and the bad. I need to remember my promises. I need to speak to people with respect and consideration. I need to remember that I am worthy of more than empty calories, empty promises and empty emotions.
On the exercise front, it is going to be an interesting week. We have to gut all 32 stalls at the barn this week. I am going to be helping on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. It is back breaking, smelly work. It will make you ache in places you thought you didn't have. I am looking forward to it. I need the exercise and I am enjoying the physical work more than I am the "workouts". There is something to be said about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done, and done well. I cant wait for the weather to get nicer. It is 2 miles straight down to the barn. I plan on riding my bike there a lot this year. Nothing like bike riding and shoveling shit to build muscle!
No comments:
Post a Comment