Now before anyone gets to excited, I am not in Mexico. Though I wish I was. No, my walking family and I have finally crossed the border. We have made it into Mexico. We are 34 miles from the border in Portes Gil. I'm so excited it's silly. I've never been to Mexico and I doubt I'll ever go. Dave has no interest in going and this isn't something I think I would do alone. So I will live it through my walking. We made great miles this week. Becky finally turned in a months worth of miles so that helped to put us over the edge. Great job to all!
I know who wont be contributing for a while. That would be Austin. See, my son broke his foot. He hurt it at school and then he got it caught in the dog cage at home and fell. Looking back I feel bad. He was lying on the floor in pain and I did nothing. In truth I was irritated at him. I had been telling him for weeks to clean his room that it was a death trap, that someone was going to get hurt in there. He just happened to be the one who got hurt. I didn't even think he really got hurt. He has been on an emotional roller coaster lately. He falls he cries, its the worst pain ever, he plays, hes fine. The next day he was hobbling but he seemed alright, a bit sore. Wednesday night when we got back from my moms I wrapped it and looked at it and it was bruised and I said I think it is broken. Dave got shitty with me and told me well then someone should have taken him to the ER then shouldn't they. So that's what I did.
Several hours, a game of alphabet toss and a 1 a.m. happy meal, later we get home and the foot is indeed broken. I get Austin to sleep and Dave to bed and ask him why he snapped at me. He said he told me Monday that he thought it was broke but I had given him a look like he was stupid. I told him I didn't remember the conversation. He said of course I didn't. It's fall. He said it's hard to live with me in the fall. With those words I just laid my head back on the pillow and said nothing. He's right. It is hard to live with me in the fall. It's hard to be me in the fall. I could have countered with, it was the spaghetti day. I was crazed off carbs and sugar and red sauce. Its not my fault, blame the garlic bread or french bread or even the chocolate milk. But the truth of the matter is I knew it was me. I had chosen to ignore my sons pain long before the Carbohydrate Coma. I know the signs of S.A.D. I know what I can do to make it less drastic. But I was already looking down the rabbit hole.
So now I want to pull my hair out. But I guess it is my cross to bear. Austins room is spotless! I spent 5 hours cleaning it. We all help him out doing things because he is "gimpy". I drive him to and pick him up from school, so he doesn't have to ride the special bus. Because he can't be active his PERSONALITY is in overdrive. I love my son. But he is the most annoying 11 year old boy on the face of the planet right now.
On another note. I saw a pic of me when I was skinny. Probably about 10 years ago. I had a neck. OMG I had a long beautiful neck. My whole neck, shoulder, chin, boob flow thing was amazing. I felt like I was looking at a swan. I want that neck back! I want those boobs back! And And And I only had ONE chin!!! So I got myself back on track with MyFitnessPal and I am going to close down the kitchen at 9. I know some people are like 9 is pretty late. But there are some nights we don't even get home to start cooking dinner until 6 or 7. So when all s said and done dishes and everything can be done and put away by 9 and then lights out and kitchen closed at 9.
Well I think it is time for bed. I am tired. So I would like to say a short prayer and head off.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful friends and family who surround me everyday. Please help me to be patient with my son. I know that he isn't happy to be hurt and that he must be bored and irritated and that is why he is driving us all insane. Please help me to be a good parent. Help me to be a good role model here at home and with the boys in the scout pack. Please watch over my sister Micci while she adjusts to her PVC. Please be with my friend Jenny. She has a lot on her plate, God, and it's wearing her and her family down. In your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fragile Kingdom....
I wonder what I look like to a lioness. Am I dinner? A snack? A pink skittle in an endless herd of human skittles that sits there and gawks at her and then moves on to the next resting animal. Does she even notice me at all? I try to think of it from her point of view, but I cant because unlike her I cant think of food as a means of survival, I think of food as something to do. The lioness probably didn't even notice me in the sea of people at the zoo yesterday. She probably didn't see Waldo either. Though I did find him several times. So if I am ever asked "Where's Waldo?" I can confidently say, "Brookfield Zoo."
I'm really irritated right now and I can tell you why. Spaghetti. Well truthfully, carbs! It always happens after spaghetti. My sugars get all jacked up and almost as soon as dinner is over I get this horrible headache. I become a total bitch, snappy and angry. My skin aches and is hyper sensitive and my muscles want to rip through because they are tired of being trapped inside. My brain hurts, my teeth hurt, my muscles hurt, my skin hurts, my ears hurt, my whole body HURTS. I become angry. Everything makes me mad. It has been 4 hours since dinner and I am still not right. My body is still sensitive and God forbid I start to think about something that might irritate me.
I feel bad for the kids. I snapped on them. I snapped on Dave. I should apologize in the morning. Dave was smart. He saw the dark cloud over head and he went quietly away. I told the kids what was going on and how I was feeling. I told them what kind of mood I was in and I told them that the way they were behaving was pissing me off. Yet they continued to fight anyway. I snapped. I should apologize, I should let it serve as a warning. I should learn that spaghetti is not my friend and I should not eat it anymore. Nothing good comes from it, and truthfully. I don't like it all that much.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for loving me even when I have a hard time loving myself. Thank You for my family and my friends. Thank You for the wonderful weather, the warm sun on my skin has been a blessing. God, please help me to be a better, more patient person. Help me to understand my addiction to food and how certain foods effect my body. Please help me to listen to You and to understand Your way is the right way. In your name we pray. Amen.
I'm really irritated right now and I can tell you why. Spaghetti. Well truthfully, carbs! It always happens after spaghetti. My sugars get all jacked up and almost as soon as dinner is over I get this horrible headache. I become a total bitch, snappy and angry. My skin aches and is hyper sensitive and my muscles want to rip through because they are tired of being trapped inside. My brain hurts, my teeth hurt, my muscles hurt, my skin hurts, my ears hurt, my whole body HURTS. I become angry. Everything makes me mad. It has been 4 hours since dinner and I am still not right. My body is still sensitive and God forbid I start to think about something that might irritate me.
I feel bad for the kids. I snapped on them. I snapped on Dave. I should apologize in the morning. Dave was smart. He saw the dark cloud over head and he went quietly away. I told the kids what was going on and how I was feeling. I told them what kind of mood I was in and I told them that the way they were behaving was pissing me off. Yet they continued to fight anyway. I snapped. I should apologize, I should let it serve as a warning. I should learn that spaghetti is not my friend and I should not eat it anymore. Nothing good comes from it, and truthfully. I don't like it all that much.
~~~CANCUN HERE WE COME~~~
We are so close! Our leader this past week is Dana. She has 20 miles. Micci has 15. Kristen is also in the double digits with an estimated 15 and Becky has a 3 week total I am still waiting on. Come on Becky!!! I am a single digit with 5 Stephanie with 9 and Lex with 5. We have traveled a total of 1305 miles.We are 1500 miles from our goal. We can do it. Come on friends!
Well it is time for a prayer and then I am going to go be a lioness in this fragile kingdom I call home.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for loving me even when I have a hard time loving myself. Thank You for my family and my friends. Thank You for the wonderful weather, the warm sun on my skin has been a blessing. God, please help me to be a better, more patient person. Help me to understand my addiction to food and how certain foods effect my body. Please help me to listen to You and to understand Your way is the right way. In your name we pray. Amen.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
A euphoric gain...
So since I lost my job I have been happy. I mean really really freaking happy. Tuesday I smiled. Wednesday I gardened. I laid in the sunlight and soaked it all in. I can honestly say that I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I spent a lot of time praying this past week. Asking God what it is I'm supposed to be doing. And everything I have been getting from him is home. I am supposed to be home. Financially we can make it. Everything is pointing to me being home for a while.
So I have been baking, and eating. I have been eating a lot. I am hoping that this is just a euphoric thing. Because I am going to be 300 pounds by Christmas at this rate. But I have to curb the munchies. So my question is am I munching because I am hungry, bored or depressed. I think there might still be some under lying resentment. But I don't think it is just the job thing. Or maybe it is just an excuse to eat. I guess I will talk to my therapist when she gets back. She had a death in the family so she is out for a few weeks. That's ok. I can afford to pay her anyway.
I miss Anytime Fitness. (Maybe this is my resentment?) I just want that to be known. I miss it a lot. I miss how good I felt when I was there. I miss the motivation. I miss the drive. I miss the desire. I knew that there was something there. A reason. I had to get up and do it. Here it is so easy to say I will do it in a little bit. I will do it after lunch. After the kids do this or after I do that. Then the day is over and I haven't done anything. I miss Anytime Fitness.
Wow I just saw a picture of myself. I knew I was fat, but wow. I guess the Euphoric gain just hit a not so euphoric end. I'm so not Happy right now!
So I have been baking, and eating. I have been eating a lot. I am hoping that this is just a euphoric thing. Because I am going to be 300 pounds by Christmas at this rate. But I have to curb the munchies. So my question is am I munching because I am hungry, bored or depressed. I think there might still be some under lying resentment. But I don't think it is just the job thing. Or maybe it is just an excuse to eat. I guess I will talk to my therapist when she gets back. She had a death in the family so she is out for a few weeks. That's ok. I can afford to pay her anyway.
I miss Anytime Fitness. (Maybe this is my resentment?) I just want that to be known. I miss it a lot. I miss how good I felt when I was there. I miss the motivation. I miss the drive. I miss the desire. I knew that there was something there. A reason. I had to get up and do it. Here it is so easy to say I will do it in a little bit. I will do it after lunch. After the kids do this or after I do that. Then the day is over and I haven't done anything. I miss Anytime Fitness.
Wow I just saw a picture of myself. I knew I was fat, but wow. I guess the Euphoric gain just hit a not so euphoric end. I'm so not Happy right now!
~~~~CANCUN HERE WE COME!!!~~~~
!!We are almost into Mexico!!
It has been a long road. But I cant tell you how proud I am of all of us. We have all had our challenges but we all continue. I am hoping that after we make it to Mexico we will work on making it somewhere else. This is the two week break down.
Dana week one: 25 miles and week 2: 25
Mom week one: 16 miles and week 2: 12
Micci week one:16 miles and week 2: 18
Kritty week one:16 miles and week 2: 18
Tina week one: 20 week 2: 3
Becky week one: week 2:
Stephanie week 2: 12
Alexis week one: 3 week 2: 3
total miles into the trip 1226. We are about 20 miles north of Corpus Christi. We are also only 200 miles from Mexico.
I am going to be add miles this week. I may not have Anytime Fitness but I have a picture that makes me realize that I am nowhere near where I thought I was.
'
That is me in the black. Now remember I have already lost 20 pounds. The one in the tank next to me is my sister Micci (Mickey like the mouse) next to her is my other sister Dana and last but certainly not least is my amazing mom! We were out for Dana's birthday. I was feeling confident and sexy that night. I don't feel that now looking at the pic.
Well I need to say a prayer and get back to work. There is life to get to and promises I need to fulfil to myself and God.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the messages you have given me. I am trying harder to listen more and talk less. Thank You for making the transition easy. For opening my heart and not being bitter. Thank You for my loving husband and my wonderful family and friends. I am so very blessed. God please be with those who are suffering.Please be with Jenny while she is dealing with the loss of her dad. She is struggling and she needs your help. Please watch over those who are lost whether it be to addiction, depression or mental illness, please help them to fight the demons that others can not see. Please help me to be strong down this road, God. I am weak, but I know with You. I can make it. In Your name we pray. Amen
Monday, October 10, 2011
I still havent found what I'm looking for (I lost my job)
I lost my job today. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I wont really know til tomorrow when I officially lose my job. today was more of the conversation over text messages that came down to me saying, "Well I plan on signing a one year membership to a gym tomorrow and I will be paying for that with the money I make at the barn. So if I don't have a job I'm screwed." to which my boss replied, "Call me in the morning. I am about to go meet a friend and I will be driving." Now here's the thing. I don't really think I am upset about losing my job. I have been unhappy there for a while. I think I have complained more than anything since they took me off of working with the horses and put me on clean up after people patrol. But I have been trying to stick it out. But in the end it wasn't what I needed it to be anymore. I think tomorrow when I call her I am going to make it easy on her too. I know it isn't easy to fire someone. So why make it miserable for her. Cut ties. End it and let it be over. I'll tell her I'll drop off my keys when I get my last paycheck.
Its funny the thing that I am most upset about is that I am not going to be able to afford my gym membership. If I signed up tomorrow, Tuesday, Oct. 11th, I would get a registration fee of only $11 instead of $50. That's a big difference. But with me not working I cant afford the monthly payments. I want to justify it. I want to say yes I can do it. I can make it happen. I can work it out. But I am stretching us thin and I just cant do it anymore. I am so sad about this it isn't even funny. I am honestly heart broken. I think that is the thing right now that makes me the saddest out of this whole stupid situation.
My house it a disaster, my weight is everywhere, I lost my job, my son has the flu, My dogs keep trying to kill each other, I need a hair cut and a pedicure and I am a tearful mess. So Dave took me out on the deck,which is in need of some tlc (we just haven't had time) and he asked me if I have talked to God about all of this. I had to be honest and say no. I have been a neglectful Christian. I haven't been talking to God and I sure haven't been listening. He told me of his recent struggles and how God helped him through. He told me to talk to him and that the only hand I needed right now was the hand I could not see. It was one of those magic moments. The way the black of the night was the perfect backdrop. His face was bathed in the soft glow of the moon. It was almost like God was talking to me through Dave. I just wanted to reach out and touch his silver grey hair. It was so powerfully beautiful. He told me that he knew I was a Christian and that he knew I was religious but sometimes I get so caught up in it all that I forget to talk to God.
I'm not going to lie. I didn't get everyone numbers this week. I know my mom did 16 miles. Mom I am so proud of you I cant even tell you. You have been such an inspiration. Everyday I talk to you I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in your smile. You are filled with joy. Every step brings you closer to your goal and when you tell me how many miles you walked and how many steps you've taken I can hear the pride ringing through and I can't help but swell up with pride too. Mom you are my Hero.
I would like to say a prayer and then I need to go to bed.
Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for the friends and family who listen to me complain and who support me when my life changes. Thank You for loving me and for guiding me down paths I might not be ready to go down on my own. I know that I may not always be a faithful servant but I try my best to be good. Thank You for the opportunity to serve you. Dear God please be with me, guide me on the next journey I am about to begin. I am afraid, I do not want to fail. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Keep checking out Jill @ What We Eat! She has a recipe for Italian Sausage and Peppers! How Yummy is that!!!!
Its funny the thing that I am most upset about is that I am not going to be able to afford my gym membership. If I signed up tomorrow, Tuesday, Oct. 11th, I would get a registration fee of only $11 instead of $50. That's a big difference. But with me not working I cant afford the monthly payments. I want to justify it. I want to say yes I can do it. I can make it happen. I can work it out. But I am stretching us thin and I just cant do it anymore. I am so sad about this it isn't even funny. I am honestly heart broken. I think that is the thing right now that makes me the saddest out of this whole stupid situation.
My house it a disaster, my weight is everywhere, I lost my job, my son has the flu, My dogs keep trying to kill each other, I need a hair cut and a pedicure and I am a tearful mess. So Dave took me out on the deck,which is in need of some tlc (we just haven't had time) and he asked me if I have talked to God about all of this. I had to be honest and say no. I have been a neglectful Christian. I haven't been talking to God and I sure haven't been listening. He told me of his recent struggles and how God helped him through. He told me to talk to him and that the only hand I needed right now was the hand I could not see. It was one of those magic moments. The way the black of the night was the perfect backdrop. His face was bathed in the soft glow of the moon. It was almost like God was talking to me through Dave. I just wanted to reach out and touch his silver grey hair. It was so powerfully beautiful. He told me that he knew I was a Christian and that he knew I was religious but sometimes I get so caught up in it all that I forget to talk to God.
I'm not going to lie. I didn't get everyone numbers this week. I know my mom did 16 miles. Mom I am so proud of you I cant even tell you. You have been such an inspiration. Everyday I talk to you I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in your smile. You are filled with joy. Every step brings you closer to your goal and when you tell me how many miles you walked and how many steps you've taken I can hear the pride ringing through and I can't help but swell up with pride too. Mom you are my Hero.
I would like to say a prayer and then I need to go to bed.
Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for the friends and family who listen to me complain and who support me when my life changes. Thank You for loving me and for guiding me down paths I might not be ready to go down on my own. I know that I may not always be a faithful servant but I try my best to be good. Thank You for the opportunity to serve you. Dear God please be with me, guide me on the next journey I am about to begin. I am afraid, I do not want to fail. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Keep checking out Jill @ What We Eat! She has a recipe for Italian Sausage and Peppers! How Yummy is that!!!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I did something awesome!!!!
I did something awesome! I got off my ass, I put on my tennis shoes and I went to Anytime Fitness. I got a 14 day free pass and I decided that it was time. I wasn't doing it here. I kept finding reasons not to get off my ass. Excuses really. Its easy to rationalize things when your sitting on a couch. But I have been saying for a while now I need a change. I need my aha moment. On Thursday I went and I got on the elliptical for 30 minutes. Now, I haven't exercised like that in a long time. I used to love riding my bike, but I never really did other cardio. I liked the way I felt so I went and spent another 25 minutes on the recumbent bike. I left feeling great. I felt refreshed. I went home and I cleaned up. I didn't fight it like I always do, I just felt the need to keep going.
Friday I had to work. I have made a commitment to my boss to be there three days a week, two to three hours a day. I made the commitment because I need to have money to pay for my membership. Work was easy. It was slow and I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I went I accomplished a few things and I left there feeling good. I then went home, changed clothes and headed out again. I did another 25 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the bike. I could feel the stretch, but in the end it wasn't my legs that hurt, but my feet. I felt like they were going to fall off from being numb. Dana said I need to change the cross something, I will ask the personal trainer that I get to meet on Monday. I brought my headphones with this time. Great thing is there are tv's on all the cardio machines. But you need headphones to listen.
Saturday, For about 20 minutes ( I wasn't really awake, just semi-conscious.) I debated going today. I was tired and I had been up all night drawing "Critter" for Kaylee. A mental smack changed things for me. I was dressed and ready and heading out the door. I was bummed to find out that I cant work out on Sunday because I am not a member yet and only members can work out when there isn't a staff member there. So I cant go. But I did 25 on the elliptical and 25 on the bike. Today I can feel it in my thighs and calves. The ache made me giddy!! I know it is silly but I was so excited.
So I have been thinking, I enjoy my baking, I plan to do more, but I have GOT to figure out portions so that everyone can have some AND it wont be gone in 2 days. I also don't want to spend all this time working out and then go home and fill myself up on crap. There will be a lot more healthy food going through the door.
I have now made myself a member of the Couch to Cancun leader board. I know it has been a while since I have given a real Cancun update, so here it is. The leaders as of tonight are as follows.
So I have goals and plans this week and I am going to share them before we get to our prayer.
Time for a prayer and then I am out of here.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank you for my wonderful nieces. Watching them grow is such a blessing. Thank you for blessing me with such a great family. I am so lucky to be loved by so many. Thank you for the ability to get up and go. Please watch over my Grandma as she recovers from surgery. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Friday I had to work. I have made a commitment to my boss to be there three days a week, two to three hours a day. I made the commitment because I need to have money to pay for my membership. Work was easy. It was slow and I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I went I accomplished a few things and I left there feeling good. I then went home, changed clothes and headed out again. I did another 25 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the bike. I could feel the stretch, but in the end it wasn't my legs that hurt, but my feet. I felt like they were going to fall off from being numb. Dana said I need to change the cross something, I will ask the personal trainer that I get to meet on Monday. I brought my headphones with this time. Great thing is there are tv's on all the cardio machines. But you need headphones to listen.
Saturday, For about 20 minutes ( I wasn't really awake, just semi-conscious.) I debated going today. I was tired and I had been up all night drawing "Critter" for Kaylee. A mental smack changed things for me. I was dressed and ready and heading out the door. I was bummed to find out that I cant work out on Sunday because I am not a member yet and only members can work out when there isn't a staff member there. So I cant go. But I did 25 on the elliptical and 25 on the bike. Today I can feel it in my thighs and calves. The ache made me giddy!! I know it is silly but I was so excited.
So I have been thinking, I enjoy my baking, I plan to do more, but I have GOT to figure out portions so that everyone can have some AND it wont be gone in 2 days. I also don't want to spend all this time working out and then go home and fill myself up on crap. There will be a lot more healthy food going through the door.
- Becky with 30 miles.
- Dana with 25 miles.
- Tina (that's me!!!!) with 21 miles.
So I have goals and plans this week and I am going to share them before we get to our prayer.
- This week I am going to continue to go to Anytime Fitness
- I am going to go to work on time and bust my butt!
- I am going to continue to pray
- I am going to clean my room
- I am going to try to cut my grocery bill by $50.
Time for a prayer and then I am out of here.
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