Eating myself to death

I was on the phone with my friend Becky this morning and she told me something that made me sit back and think. It made me think very hard. So I felt the need to share it with you. She told me about the service at her church this past Sunday. They talked about suicide and the fact that suicide is a sin, as we all know. It doesn't matter if we do it with a gun, a car, a rope or a bottle. Or with food. That part is the part that got my attention as it did hers. If you think about it, over eating, gorging ourselves, spiking our blood sugars and blood pressures is killing us. It doesn't matter if it takes 20 seconds, 20 minutes or 20 years. Aren't we in the end killing ourselves by shoveling the food in our mouths?  The pastor made a very interesting point. Truth is, he's right. And it bothers me. A lot.

So let me tell you why this is hard for me. When I was in my teens and early 20's I wanted to die. I tried to kill myself. Maybe it was for attention, a cry for help, maybe it wasn't. I try not to remember what it was like or who I was then. But I do know what it is like and who I am now.

For some there is a desperation, a sadness an emptiness there that can't seem to be filled. Some people fill it with sex. Some fill it with drugs or alcohol. Some fill it with anger and hate. Some fill it with Love. But there are some, like me, who fill it with food and self-loathing. I sit down and I promise myself that I will not eat til the hole inside of me is topped off. I will only eat til my stomach has enough to fuel my body. But the bottomless pit of self-loathing seems to over ride the stomach. Its almost like I am tying the rope around my neck and taking a step closer to the edge. Every day I get closer. Every extra scoop of ice cream. Every brownie by the refrigerator light is a small little step forward. How many steps are there till I fall? How many steps till my body gives out? Do I want to die like this? Do I really want to kill myself over sugary snacks that make my head spin, but not always in a good way. That make my stomach ache? Do I want to see my kids as parents and my grand kids with their kids? Who am I that I am that selfish to put my own wants before the lives of my family? Don't get me wrong a brownie now and then is not a noose, but junk food and sodium over load everyday is a coffin. I don't want to die. Not like that. I want to die old. I want to die feeling I accomplished something. I want to travel. I want to dance. I want to wear a 2 piece bathing suit in my 50's. I want to learn to ski. I want to run a marathon. I cant do that and try to kill myself at the same time.

I want to take a moment and pray.
Dear God, Thank you for today. For the chance to love you and learn from you. God, please look over and help the people who are suffering and are in their darkest moments. At these moments of despair they don't know what to do. Please help them to find the strength to make the right choices to get up off of their knees and to find their way back to you. For you are truly the answer to all of our problems. Please help those who are unable to get off of their knees. May their lost souls make it to you. Please hear their prayers. God please hear the prayers of sinners like me. People who are slowly killing ourselves. We do not want to kill ourselves. We want to live, but sometimes we just don't have the strength to go on. Protect me Father, Please. Amen

Please pray tonight for those who are suffering. I am sure we all know someone who has lost someone to suicide. It is haunting. I went to a funeral about 8 years ago for a girl who was my friends cousin. I knew her casually. When I went up there to pay my respects all I could think was this.'If you only knew, things get better. It gets different. God loves You, You just have to listen to what he is saying.'

Are you listening?