I started this blog a year ago. I had great expectations. I had wanted to be 90 pounds lighter by now. But in the end it is only 10. I lost 20 at one point and gained 10 of it back. I can get angry about it, or sad, or I can use it as an opportunity learn something about myself and use it in the next year to make a a stronger person. I am choosing to be a stronger person.
I have worked hard this year to cleanse myself of emotional toxins. I have let toxic friendships end. Unlike years past I didn't try to change who I was to fit in and make them like me. I simply realized that if people don't like me that is their problem, not mine.I am learning to love myself and I realize I am a lot happier that way. And because of the I am finding the connections I have with others who do truly love me are stronger. There are people who have encouraged me and pushed me when I needed. To them I am truly grateful.
In the fall of 2011 I stepped up to be the assistant den leader for my sons Boy Scout Pack. Dave was supposed to be the leader. But things got in the way and every other week I would show up for the meetings hoping to accomplish all Dave had set out for me. In the end I took the place as leader and Dave as my assistant. The boys have taught me so much. I have learned that social standings mean nothing when you are working together to achieve a common goal. Whether it be building a bird feeder out of milk jugs or preparing for a camp out, the boys are all equal. I have met some amazing parents and I found compassion that I thought I had lost. Together we helped a family and bettered a community. I am proud to be the Webelo Den Leader for Pack 802.
I lost my job this fall. Truth be told I lost it in early summer. But I had hoped that I would be able to get back to the horses in the fall. It wasn't meant to be. I won't lie I am still a little jaded. But I have promised myself that in the new year I will get back to volunteering at the barn. Back to what it was that made me happy there. The horses. I lost sight of my true desires. Losing my job was actually a great release. I was so unhappy. I hated it there. Now I can look at it again as a place I love to be.
Medically I have been a pin cushion. Tourettes has found its way into my vocabulary. Pain pills have lost their grip on me and I couldn't be happier. I'm no longer stuck in their web. I look back now and think wow, all the things I lost to Vicodin. One of them being memories. But I can't dwell on the past. I have to go forward.
I can say now that I love myself. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am a better mother and wife. I am a stronger Christian. I am making connections with people who I had pushed away. One off them being the true Tina I am inside.
I know 2012 won't be perfect. But I think that I can continue to grow as a person. My goals this year are simple. Continue to be a better person. Find love for myself. Love myself enough to actually focus on my weight loss. Love myself enough to stop making excuses, admit when I am afraid, or when I am wrong. Remember that God loves me and that I am his child. A relationship with him can only grow stronger if I am willing to listen and believe.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
The ghosts of christmas pagents past
I was little, somewhere between five and seven I believe, when I was in the first Christmas pageant I remember. I didn't have a part, I was just one of the cute little kids that made all the parents smile. My sisters and I were always dressed in pretty red dresses for Christmas. So I know I was in a red velvet dress and black shoes and white tights. But the rest of the actual program is a blur. The reason I remember is because of my Upstairs Gram. My Upstairs Grandma lived a block away from the church, but because of
her arthritis and other health issues, she wasn't able to come. But she
had asked me to sing loud enough for her to hear.So sing I did. I sang at the top of my lungs. I put so much love and hope into that performance. I wanted her to be there, but since she couldn't I was going to make sure she could at least hear me. Of course the next day the adults were smiling and laughing and relaying the story, and when I asked my Upstairs Gram about it, she told me she heard me. That's one of those Christmas memories you don't forget.
There are other pageants, other memories. Like the year that the program seemed "darker". I don't know who had picked the program that year but it was a heavier program than years past. I think this was closer to age ten. All I remember is my cousin Jeremy's lines. "Darkness, Darkness all around us..." and I believe that that point the lights went out. We were talking about it at church tonight and my Aunt Di said, "Of all the programs to remember it was that one. All I hear is Darkness, Darkness." Something inside me tells me that she was the one who had chosen it. But sometimes its better to not ask at all.
I was the star of David when I was in The Sunrise Singers. It was a Sunday School choir. I was so proud of myself. I don't know what happened but I know there was a malfunction of some sort and I almost didn't get to be the star. Devastation would have reigned down on me if I had missed that.I would be telling you a sad story about my loss, instead of this memory about being the star.
In 35 years I have been in and been to a quarter of a centuries worth of pageants. All of them beautiful in their own way. Tracy Sella said it right today, there is something about hearing the message from children that drives the whole thing home. It makes you believe in miracles. No matter how small.
Many moons ago Alexis and I lived with a man and his kids. I was working 2 jobs and going to school and he had lost another job. I think we were behind on every bill and close to eviction. I was struggling to figure out how to pay the bills and how I was going to get money to get the kids stuff for Christmas. We lived on the second floor of a three story apartment building. One that you have to be buzzed into. I didn't really know my neighbors only that a kind couple lived across the hall from us. One day I came home and as I climbed the stairs I taken aback. Sitting in front of my door there were boxes of food. Mountains of trimmings for a holiday dinner and honestly for at least a month after that. There were gift wrapped presents piled high, all of them labeled according to which child they were for. There was no card, no name, no idea who it was that had done this for me. I stood there and cried. I had ideas, but nothing solid. Only a piece of paper taped to the door saying, "We're sorry we missed you. Merry Christmas."
This year the Cub Scouts decided to adopt the family of one of our boys. He's a good kid. He has always lived with his grandma and this year his mom and his 3 siblings moved in too. He is one of those kids that make you smile when you see him. His grandma works a lot and she is studying Criminal Justice. She does the best she can with whats shes got, but now that there are 4 more mouths in a two bedroom house, she is struggling. The grandma is such a good person. Her heart is too big for her body too. So when we decided to take the food from our food drive and deliver that and presents to the family all I could think about was a Christmas many years ago. I have been given a chance to pay it forward.
Kindness doesn't care about the economy, it doesn't talk about the weather. It comes from with-in us. It comes from cans of food and Christmas presents from strangers. It comes in a warm over stuffed chair for for an old abandoned dog, who would have surely died out in the cold. It comes from people who provide comfort for those in need, like a stable, in December, in a time long long ago. It comes on the voices of angels and children in the message that God has sent to us. Peace on Earth, Good will to all! Glory to the New Born King! Noel, Noel!
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A little Cancun news before we go. I know it seems like I forgot, but I didn't. I have tallied us up to 1870 miles! YAY team. That is so exciting. We are getting ready to walk around the southern tip of the Gulf of Mexico. We are 956 miles away. It's been a long journey, but I am so glad we are doing it.
Now on to our prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people who are in my life. I am so blessed and I know it would take me an hour to list them all. Thank You for sending us Your son as a gift to all the world. Thank You for loving me. God, at this time I have a few requests. God please be with Beckett. I know she is scared, and I can't say I blame her. Please help her, hold her up when she is weak and comfort her when she is afraid. Please let her results come back favorably. Please also bee with Jenny. I know that she is terrified about her up coming surgery. Help her to find peace of mind. Comfort her and support her. Also God, please be with the family of my Aunt Mary Anne. She came home to You last week, but the people she left behind miss her so. God, please be with those who are alone at this time of year. Help us all to receive Your message and to live with it in our hearts all year round. In Your name we pray. Amen
There are other pageants, other memories. Like the year that the program seemed "darker". I don't know who had picked the program that year but it was a heavier program than years past. I think this was closer to age ten. All I remember is my cousin Jeremy's lines. "Darkness, Darkness all around us..." and I believe that that point the lights went out. We were talking about it at church tonight and my Aunt Di said, "Of all the programs to remember it was that one. All I hear is Darkness, Darkness." Something inside me tells me that she was the one who had chosen it. But sometimes its better to not ask at all.
I was the star of David when I was in The Sunrise Singers. It was a Sunday School choir. I was so proud of myself. I don't know what happened but I know there was a malfunction of some sort and I almost didn't get to be the star. Devastation would have reigned down on me if I had missed that.I would be telling you a sad story about my loss, instead of this memory about being the star.
In 35 years I have been in and been to a quarter of a centuries worth of pageants. All of them beautiful in their own way. Tracy Sella said it right today, there is something about hearing the message from children that drives the whole thing home. It makes you believe in miracles. No matter how small.
Many moons ago Alexis and I lived with a man and his kids. I was working 2 jobs and going to school and he had lost another job. I think we were behind on every bill and close to eviction. I was struggling to figure out how to pay the bills and how I was going to get money to get the kids stuff for Christmas. We lived on the second floor of a three story apartment building. One that you have to be buzzed into. I didn't really know my neighbors only that a kind couple lived across the hall from us. One day I came home and as I climbed the stairs I taken aback. Sitting in front of my door there were boxes of food. Mountains of trimmings for a holiday dinner and honestly for at least a month after that. There were gift wrapped presents piled high, all of them labeled according to which child they were for. There was no card, no name, no idea who it was that had done this for me. I stood there and cried. I had ideas, but nothing solid. Only a piece of paper taped to the door saying, "We're sorry we missed you. Merry Christmas."
This year the Cub Scouts decided to adopt the family of one of our boys. He's a good kid. He has always lived with his grandma and this year his mom and his 3 siblings moved in too. He is one of those kids that make you smile when you see him. His grandma works a lot and she is studying Criminal Justice. She does the best she can with whats shes got, but now that there are 4 more mouths in a two bedroom house, she is struggling. The grandma is such a good person. Her heart is too big for her body too. So when we decided to take the food from our food drive and deliver that and presents to the family all I could think about was a Christmas many years ago. I have been given a chance to pay it forward.
Kindness doesn't care about the economy, it doesn't talk about the weather. It comes from with-in us. It comes from cans of food and Christmas presents from strangers. It comes in a warm over stuffed chair for for an old abandoned dog, who would have surely died out in the cold. It comes from people who provide comfort for those in need, like a stable, in December, in a time long long ago. It comes on the voices of angels and children in the message that God has sent to us. Peace on Earth, Good will to all! Glory to the New Born King! Noel, Noel!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little Cancun news before we go. I know it seems like I forgot, but I didn't. I have tallied us up to 1870 miles! YAY team. That is so exciting. We are getting ready to walk around the southern tip of the Gulf of Mexico. We are 956 miles away. It's been a long journey, but I am so glad we are doing it.
Now on to our prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people who are in my life. I am so blessed and I know it would take me an hour to list them all. Thank You for sending us Your son as a gift to all the world. Thank You for loving me. God, at this time I have a few requests. God please be with Beckett. I know she is scared, and I can't say I blame her. Please help her, hold her up when she is weak and comfort her when she is afraid. Please let her results come back favorably. Please also bee with Jenny. I know that she is terrified about her up coming surgery. Help her to find peace of mind. Comfort her and support her. Also God, please be with the family of my Aunt Mary Anne. She came home to You last week, but the people she left behind miss her so. God, please be with those who are alone at this time of year. Help us all to receive Your message and to live with it in our hearts all year round. In Your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Dear Scale, I hate you!
Dear Scale,
I am writing today to tell you that I don't like you! Honestly I hate you! You sit on my kitchen floor, mocking me. "Tina, come over here and stand on me!" I walk around you, I glare at you, I turn my nose up at you. But you are a sneaky bitch! You catch me off guard. When I am weak. When I just went to the bathroom and I was feeling a few ounces smaller. Because those ounces count. First thing in the morning I hear you calling, "Tina, I'm waiting for you! Come over here and show me some flub!" "NO!," I cry. "NO!" but the first thing I do after the bathroom is walk over and stomp on you. I think you like the abuse. I think your a dirty little scale. You like it when I call you names. When I stomp on you. I could call you a dirty little whore and I think it would make your digits go wonky.
I know we have had an on-again off-again love affair. When my weight loss is going well. I praise you, I love you and when I get on you I smile the whole time. But when I am gaining, you are my worst enemy. I wish we could talk more. I wish we were able to have a conversation that didn't end in me wanting to throw you out the window. As much as I say I want to hurt you I love you. As much as I want to deny you, I am obsessed with you.
You are an illness. You are an obsession I can't quit. Cigarettes, I quit. Smoking pot, quit that too. For Lent I gave up pop, and I stuck it out the whole time. But you, oh you, Your like peanut butter, your like coffee, your like great sex. I don't think I can go to long with out you. Sometimes when I want to make us both smile I yell, "Naked Mommy in the kitchen." And I rip off my clothes and hop on. I know I will weigh less naked and I know you will show me those peerrty little numbers that I love so much! Everyone in the house knows the battle cry. Everyone groans, except Dave who lets out a cat call and some days come running. But it is the rush I get when you give me a new lower number that makes it all worth while.
So I'll make you a deal, I will continue to try to lose weight. I will track what I put in my mouth and I will try to exercise more. What I ask of you is this, try to remember to that I have clothes on. So if you could subtract a few ounces I would greatly appreciate it. I figure your just taking an extra step in our relationship. If you do me right, I will sing your praises. I will talk pretty to you, I will treat you like a piece of furniture, instead of a piece of lying scrap metal. I'm sure we can work it out.
Yours faithfully,
Tina
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my friends and family and for the realization that I am not alone. I am so blessed. Thank You for giving Your son for my sins. I try to remember at this time and all times how much You love me. Please watch over those who are suffering, those who will spend the holidays alone and those who are trapped in a world they can't find a way out of. May the holidays bring us all together. In your name we pray. Amen
I am writing today to tell you that I don't like you! Honestly I hate you! You sit on my kitchen floor, mocking me. "Tina, come over here and stand on me!" I walk around you, I glare at you, I turn my nose up at you. But you are a sneaky bitch! You catch me off guard. When I am weak. When I just went to the bathroom and I was feeling a few ounces smaller. Because those ounces count. First thing in the morning I hear you calling, "Tina, I'm waiting for you! Come over here and show me some flub!" "NO!," I cry. "NO!" but the first thing I do after the bathroom is walk over and stomp on you. I think you like the abuse. I think your a dirty little scale. You like it when I call you names. When I stomp on you. I could call you a dirty little whore and I think it would make your digits go wonky.
I know we have had an on-again off-again love affair. When my weight loss is going well. I praise you, I love you and when I get on you I smile the whole time. But when I am gaining, you are my worst enemy. I wish we could talk more. I wish we were able to have a conversation that didn't end in me wanting to throw you out the window. As much as I say I want to hurt you I love you. As much as I want to deny you, I am obsessed with you.
You are an illness. You are an obsession I can't quit. Cigarettes, I quit. Smoking pot, quit that too. For Lent I gave up pop, and I stuck it out the whole time. But you, oh you, Your like peanut butter, your like coffee, your like great sex. I don't think I can go to long with out you. Sometimes when I want to make us both smile I yell, "Naked Mommy in the kitchen." And I rip off my clothes and hop on. I know I will weigh less naked and I know you will show me those peerrty little numbers that I love so much! Everyone in the house knows the battle cry. Everyone groans, except Dave who lets out a cat call and some days come running. But it is the rush I get when you give me a new lower number that makes it all worth while.
So I'll make you a deal, I will continue to try to lose weight. I will track what I put in my mouth and I will try to exercise more. What I ask of you is this, try to remember to that I have clothes on. So if you could subtract a few ounces I would greatly appreciate it. I figure your just taking an extra step in our relationship. If you do me right, I will sing your praises. I will talk pretty to you, I will treat you like a piece of furniture, instead of a piece of lying scrap metal. I'm sure we can work it out.
Yours faithfully,
Tina
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my friends and family and for the realization that I am not alone. I am so blessed. Thank You for giving Your son for my sins. I try to remember at this time and all times how much You love me. Please watch over those who are suffering, those who will spend the holidays alone and those who are trapped in a world they can't find a way out of. May the holidays bring us all together. In your name we pray. Amen
Monday, December 5, 2011
And all at once the crowd began to sing.....
I know this is a day late, but I had a very busy weekend, so please forgive.
I will start with this. I didn't eat all that great BUT I am slowly losing the 10 pounds I put on. I took off 2 pounds this week. I just have to remember to keep going and tracking my food.
Friday was one of those magical days that remind you just how strong the bond is between mother and daughter. Lexi and I went to see Miracle on State Street in Chicago. I took her out of school a little early so we could make the train on time. And I am so glad I did. We got to Chicago 3 hours before the concert started. Lex had never been downtown and when we hit ground lever the city overwhelmed her. She became giddy and light. She wanted to see it, explore it, feel it all. So we headed over to Millennium Park. She was in awe of the art work. The two towers with the faces on them were way to cool. But it was the bean that made her giddy. She was so excited by everything she was running to get to the next thing.
We were going to hit Buckingham Fountain, but decided we were both cold and hungry. I know that Chicago is filled with good places to eat and experience. But we decided not to eat anything that would upset our stomachs. So we went with an old standby. McDonalds. I know not a great choice, but I know that it wont make my stomach hurt. Having no gall bladder makes things like pizza and pasta make me sick.
We left there and decided to explore more. We found a comic book store and stopped in. It is everything I expected from a comic book store. Including two people discussing what makes different comics dramatic. I couldn't follow, but it was interesting to listen to.
We made our way to Macy's after that. This is one of those moments that makes your eyes well up with tears. As we walked through I saw the make up counter and asked for them to do Lexis make up. After all this was Lexis day. Stephanie, our make up artist, did a wonderful job. She explained everything she was doing and Lex listened with interest. I of course was taking a million pics. I didn't know it was possible for her to be more beautiful that she already did. But my baby glowed.
We finally made our way to the theater. We were one of the first in line and Lex wanted in more than anything. When we finally got in we got her a Kelly Clarkson shirt and then headed to our seats. The theater was amazing. I had been there before but it never fails to amaze. When the lights dimmed and Christine Perri came on I thought Lex was going to lose her mind. Most of the people around us were my age and maybe a little older. Lex was the youngest and most enthusiastic person around and I could see on the faces of everyone around me that they enjoyed her enthusiasm. Some of us probably remembered our first concert and how we felt. She and I sang along to everything. When Kelly Clarkson came on it was the highlight for Lexi. She stood through most of her set. Jumping and singing and dancing. I watched her with tears and smiles. Of course I joined her.
The Frey was just awesome! They did one of my favorite songs and Lex hugged me. We spent most of the song singing to each other and hugging. I couldn't help but actually cry at that point. I was so happy and close to my girl. Right now I am tearing up.
Lex slept the whole train ride home, 1hour and 45 minutes of her leaning on me. I felt like I did when she was little. That I held her up and supported her and that she needed me and I needed her.
I think she told me thank you at least 2 dozen times. She told me how magical the night was and how happy she was that we got to spend it together. I don't think she truly knows how magical it truly was.
Saturday Lex and I went to a play with my family. Then I dropped her off at a friends. Dave and I went out to dinner and then to a one of Austins friends house. We found out that her car broke down and she is struggling to get to work and to pay for the repairs. She is one of those people that is so strong and would never ask a favor of anyone. So Dave and his friend figured out what was wrong with the car. Unfortunately they couldn't fix it. BUT they did know someone who could.
Sunday I rearranged my bed room. What sucks now is that all the stuff I took out of my room I have to sort through and put back or throw out. I hate the part of rearranging.
So I am going to say a prayer and then get back to moving this stuff around.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the one on one time I got to spend with Alexis. Thank You for reminding me just how special she is and how amazing and loving she is. Thank You for the love of my family. I am so blessed to have so many caring people in my life. Thank you for the Cub Scouts. They have taught me so much. The kindness and concern they show for others touches me deeply and I am glad that Austin has the chance to be involved and the I get to be a leader. Thank You for reminding me to be humble. I have so much when others had so little. Thank You for opening my heart. Please keep Diane Stone and hers in your thoughts. She is so strong. Please help the community to open their arms and make sure that the kids have a good Christmas and that they cabinets are filled as is their hearts. In Your name we pray. Amen
I will start with this. I didn't eat all that great BUT I am slowly losing the 10 pounds I put on. I took off 2 pounds this week. I just have to remember to keep going and tracking my food.
Friday was one of those magical days that remind you just how strong the bond is between mother and daughter. Lexi and I went to see Miracle on State Street in Chicago. I took her out of school a little early so we could make the train on time. And I am so glad I did. We got to Chicago 3 hours before the concert started. Lex had never been downtown and when we hit ground lever the city overwhelmed her. She became giddy and light. She wanted to see it, explore it, feel it all. So we headed over to Millennium Park. She was in awe of the art work. The two towers with the faces on them were way to cool. But it was the bean that made her giddy. She was so excited by everything she was running to get to the next thing.
We left there and decided to explore more. We found a comic book store and stopped in. It is everything I expected from a comic book store. Including two people discussing what makes different comics dramatic. I couldn't follow, but it was interesting to listen to.
We made our way to Macy's after that. This is one of those moments that makes your eyes well up with tears. As we walked through I saw the make up counter and asked for them to do Lexis make up. After all this was Lexis day. Stephanie, our make up artist, did a wonderful job. She explained everything she was doing and Lex listened with interest. I of course was taking a million pics. I didn't know it was possible for her to be more beautiful that she already did. But my baby glowed.
We finally made our way to the theater. We were one of the first in line and Lex wanted in more than anything. When we finally got in we got her a Kelly Clarkson shirt and then headed to our seats. The theater was amazing. I had been there before but it never fails to amaze. When the lights dimmed and Christine Perri came on I thought Lex was going to lose her mind. Most of the people around us were my age and maybe a little older. Lex was the youngest and most enthusiastic person around and I could see on the faces of everyone around me that they enjoyed her enthusiasm. Some of us probably remembered our first concert and how we felt. She and I sang along to everything. When Kelly Clarkson came on it was the highlight for Lexi. She stood through most of her set. Jumping and singing and dancing. I watched her with tears and smiles. Of course I joined her.The Frey was just awesome! They did one of my favorite songs and Lex hugged me. We spent most of the song singing to each other and hugging. I couldn't help but actually cry at that point. I was so happy and close to my girl. Right now I am tearing up.
Lex slept the whole train ride home, 1hour and 45 minutes of her leaning on me. I felt like I did when she was little. That I held her up and supported her and that she needed me and I needed her. I think she told me thank you at least 2 dozen times. She told me how magical the night was and how happy she was that we got to spend it together. I don't think she truly knows how magical it truly was.
Saturday Lex and I went to a play with my family. Then I dropped her off at a friends. Dave and I went out to dinner and then to a one of Austins friends house. We found out that her car broke down and she is struggling to get to work and to pay for the repairs. She is one of those people that is so strong and would never ask a favor of anyone. So Dave and his friend figured out what was wrong with the car. Unfortunately they couldn't fix it. BUT they did know someone who could.
Sunday I rearranged my bed room. What sucks now is that all the stuff I took out of my room I have to sort through and put back or throw out. I hate the part of rearranging.
So I am going to say a prayer and then get back to moving this stuff around.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the one on one time I got to spend with Alexis. Thank You for reminding me just how special she is and how amazing and loving she is. Thank You for the love of my family. I am so blessed to have so many caring people in my life. Thank you for the Cub Scouts. They have taught me so much. The kindness and concern they show for others touches me deeply and I am glad that Austin has the chance to be involved and the I get to be a leader. Thank You for reminding me to be humble. I have so much when others had so little. Thank You for opening my heart. Please keep Diane Stone and hers in your thoughts. She is so strong. Please help the community to open their arms and make sure that the kids have a good Christmas and that they cabinets are filled as is their hearts. In Your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, November 27, 2011
I lied
I got on the scale and realized I have gained back ten pounds. 10 pounds!! I don't know when it started, but I gained 10 back. I feel like such a liar, a fake. Not only do I feel like I haven't been giving my whole heart here but I haven't been giving my whole heart to my weight loss. I want to be thin, I want to be healthy, I want to feel better in my own skin, but I haven't been willing to walk away from the food and put my health first. I want to be positive, but I get so negative. Weight Loss is not something that happens over night! I get it, I do. But I have been lying to myself and I know it and the lies have their own weight. Lie after lie, even if by omission is a lie and they all carry a heavy emotional toll.
Old habits are hard to break. When I am alone at night and everyone is sound asleep I found that I eat. I eat when I am lonely, bored, sad! I eat when I am hungry and when I am not. I eat a lot when I am not hungry. Its so mindless. So easy. Then I always promise that I will exercise, or eat better the next day. But I don't. Every ounce that I gained back I promised myself I will do better tomorrow. Tomorrow ! Tomorrow!!! Funny thing is tomorrow never comes.
Yes I am having a pity party. But I am also facing a fact. I am out of control again. I looked at pictures of myself and I was dumbfounded. In my own head I am not that fat. But the reality hits when I see the pics and say what happened? Chinese and hamburgers and pizza happened. Oreos and ice cream and birthday cake and pie, they all happened.
I have made promises and I have broken them, so I make no promises to anyone today. All I can do is remember that I am not on a diet, I am trying not to die yet.
Unlike me there are some people who are kicking butt. Those people would be my Walking buddies. Micci is my lead walker this week. She put in 30 miles. She spent 10 hours shopping on Friday. We have talked a total of 1659 miles. We are in San Esteban, Mexico part of the Altamira Municipality. We are 1372 miles from Cancun.
Well it is time for a prayer and then off to think.
Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for friends and family who accept me and love me and who encourage me to be better. Thank You for giving me the chance to talk about this and other freedoms I so greatly enjoy. God, please be with the Morse's as they say good-bye to Dorie, the matriarch of the family. This is a hard time for them all and they need your comfort. In your name we pray. Amen
Old habits are hard to break. When I am alone at night and everyone is sound asleep I found that I eat. I eat when I am lonely, bored, sad! I eat when I am hungry and when I am not. I eat a lot when I am not hungry. Its so mindless. So easy. Then I always promise that I will exercise, or eat better the next day. But I don't. Every ounce that I gained back I promised myself I will do better tomorrow. Tomorrow ! Tomorrow!!! Funny thing is tomorrow never comes.
Yes I am having a pity party. But I am also facing a fact. I am out of control again. I looked at pictures of myself and I was dumbfounded. In my own head I am not that fat. But the reality hits when I see the pics and say what happened? Chinese and hamburgers and pizza happened. Oreos and ice cream and birthday cake and pie, they all happened.
I have made promises and I have broken them, so I make no promises to anyone today. All I can do is remember that I am not on a diet, I am trying not to die yet.
Unlike me there are some people who are kicking butt. Those people would be my Walking buddies. Micci is my lead walker this week. She put in 30 miles. She spent 10 hours shopping on Friday. We have talked a total of 1659 miles. We are in San Esteban, Mexico part of the Altamira Municipality. We are 1372 miles from Cancun.
Well it is time for a prayer and then off to think.
Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for friends and family who accept me and love me and who encourage me to be better. Thank You for giving me the chance to talk about this and other freedoms I so greatly enjoy. God, please be with the Morse's as they say good-bye to Dorie, the matriarch of the family. This is a hard time for them all and they need your comfort. In your name we pray. Amen
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart...
GIVE THANKS
WITH A GRATEFUL HEART
GIVE THANKS
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON
AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY
I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH
BECAUSE OF WHAT
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...
WITH A GRATEFUL HEART
GIVE THANKS
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON
AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY
I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH
BECAUSE OF WHAT
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...
How beautiful. This is one of my favorite hymns at church. It sticks with you. I have been singing it for 2 weeks since we sang it last in church. So it has me thinking. That's what I need to do, Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart! I need to give Thanks to God, to Jesus. I noticed before I was doing better and losing more weight when I was actively studying my bible and going to church.
I love these words. GIVE THANKS! So I am. I have so much to be thankful for. I am going to give thanks for them here.
I give Thanks for
- my family. For my husband who deals with me even at my craziest. For my kids who accept me and aren't embarrassed by me. I am thankful that they love me unconditionally.
- my mom and dad. For my sisters and my nieces. For my grandparents. I am so thankful that they are here another year for me.
- Dave's family and my nieces and nephews there.
- my doctor, who finally listened and sent me to see someone who is helping me to find the answers to my pain.
- the church. For my friends there. For the love of God and the guidance my Shepard has given me.
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON
- Thank You god for loving me. For blessing me. For protecting me. Thank you for the gift of your son!
I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH
I am thankful for
- the treatment I am receiving from my new doctors.
- my Aunt Di. Who has been taking care of my Grandma Kelly and Grandpa Don. I am so thankful to have such loving people in my life.
- my friends. They make me rich with their companionship and love.
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...
How could I not be thankful for the gift of his only child? He loves me, us, so much that he gave his only child to die for me. I don't know that I am that strong. I don't know that I could sacrifice my children. But he did.
Today I give thanks to these people. God, Jesus, Dave, Alexis, Austin, my mom and dad. Micci, Dana, Tim, Kevin, Taylor, Payton, Kaylee, Kristen, Grandma Kelly, Grandpa Don, Aunt Di, Uncle Marlin, Chris, Nick, Tracy, John, John, Nikki, Meagan, Dakota, Erica, Dave, Lauren, Joyce, Jim, Sandee, Pastor Wahl, Shirley, Michelle, Jihan, Aidan, Tracy, Claudia, Mr. Dudeck, Denise, Robert, Matthew, Tylor, Gertie, Levi, Jeanie, Jenny, Jason, Becky, Tim, Michelle, Nathan, Zack, Becky, Edd, Erik, Jessie, Jill Y., Jill G., Strawberry Dave, Stephanie, Jamie, Brenda, Stephanie, Jon, Jim, Mike, Natalie, Dr. Scully and Joy.
I know there are so many more. I am sorry if I missed you. I love you all and I am so thankful for you.
I am thankful for my walking buddies. We have made it 1506 miles. We are now in San Fernando, Mexico. If it wasn't for you guys I would have never made it out of Illinois, let alone out of the country.
I am thankful for the soldiers who risk their lives so I can sit here in my dining room writing this blog. And for the freedom for others to read this.
I am thankful for all of you who read this. You aren't many, but I appreciate the fact that you come back here every week to read it.
GIVE THANKS
WITH A GRATEFUL HEART
GIVE THANKS
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON
AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY
I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH
BECAUSE OF WHAT
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...
WITH A GRATEFUL HEART
GIVE THANKS
TO THE HOLY ONE
GIVE THANKS
FOR HE'S GIVEN
JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON
AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY
I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY
I AM RICH
BECAUSE OF WHAT
THE LORD HAS DONE
FOR US
GIVE THANKS...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Dear God, I'm scared...
Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for loving me. I am struggling right now God. I am trying not to let the "possible" diagnosis get to me. I am trying not to over analyze. I am trying not to.....
I am trying not to think about a future where I have Alzheimer's. I am trying not to think about how much I would miss. I am trying not to cry, but it isn't always easy, God. It isn't always easy. I have been eating almost 2 to 3 times more food since I saw the doctor. I have made excuses and "reasoned" with myself, promising to work out later. But I fail, not I will be honest I have no intentions. I am saying these things to make myself feel better. I say a lot to make myself feel better. I joke because if I don't I think I will lose my mind, I didn't plan that joke. it just came too.
The Doctor told me that the twitch, adhd and ocd may all be part of Tourettes. But what am I supposed to do with that, God? What am I suppose to do with any of this. I am angry and I am sad and I don't get why! Why can't I have a normal life? Why is it every time I turn around I feel like I am falling apart. I'm so tired of this. I want a normal mind, I want a normal brain, God! I'm tired of labels and meds. I am tired of Dr.'s and tests. I want to wake up and feel OK like everyone else. Why is that so hard? Is that to much to ask? What did I do to even be thinking about Alzheimer's at the age of 35?
I know that it isn't personal. I know that you didn't look at me and say I was bad. But I can't help but wonder what I did that my whole life feels like a roller coaster of emotional and mental issues that I wouldn't put on anyone.
I know I have a wonderful family. I know I am blessed with great friends. I try to convince myself not to get worried about it because there is nothing i can do. My next Dr. appointment is in January. So far away. There is nothing that I can do between now and then. Nothing other than remind myself that food is not the answer. Why couldn't I be one of those people who exercises to relieve stress? Who knows maybe if I do have Alzheimer's I will forget that I hate to clean and exercise. Than Dave can have a clean house, even if it means coming home to a stranger every day.
I am terrified, God, I am scared! I want to scream and run and fight and kick. I want my mom.
I know tomorrow I will be OK, God. I will get this through my system and I will continue on. I just need to hold it together.
Dear God, Thank you for today!
I am trying not to think about a future where I have Alzheimer's. I am trying not to think about how much I would miss. I am trying not to cry, but it isn't always easy, God. It isn't always easy. I have been eating almost 2 to 3 times more food since I saw the doctor. I have made excuses and "reasoned" with myself, promising to work out later. But I fail, not I will be honest I have no intentions. I am saying these things to make myself feel better. I say a lot to make myself feel better. I joke because if I don't I think I will lose my mind, I didn't plan that joke. it just came too.
The Doctor told me that the twitch, adhd and ocd may all be part of Tourettes. But what am I supposed to do with that, God? What am I suppose to do with any of this. I am angry and I am sad and I don't get why! Why can't I have a normal life? Why is it every time I turn around I feel like I am falling apart. I'm so tired of this. I want a normal mind, I want a normal brain, God! I'm tired of labels and meds. I am tired of Dr.'s and tests. I want to wake up and feel OK like everyone else. Why is that so hard? Is that to much to ask? What did I do to even be thinking about Alzheimer's at the age of 35?
I know that it isn't personal. I know that you didn't look at me and say I was bad. But I can't help but wonder what I did that my whole life feels like a roller coaster of emotional and mental issues that I wouldn't put on anyone.
I know I have a wonderful family. I know I am blessed with great friends. I try to convince myself not to get worried about it because there is nothing i can do. My next Dr. appointment is in January. So far away. There is nothing that I can do between now and then. Nothing other than remind myself that food is not the answer. Why couldn't I be one of those people who exercises to relieve stress? Who knows maybe if I do have Alzheimer's I will forget that I hate to clean and exercise. Than Dave can have a clean house, even if it means coming home to a stranger every day.
I am terrified, God, I am scared! I want to scream and run and fight and kick. I want my mom.
I know tomorrow I will be OK, God. I will get this through my system and I will continue on. I just need to hold it together.
Dear God, Thank you for today!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
¡Recepción a México! Welcome To Mexico!
Now before anyone gets to excited, I am not in Mexico. Though I wish I was. No, my walking family and I have finally crossed the border. We have made it into Mexico. We are 34 miles from the border in Portes Gil. I'm so excited it's silly. I've never been to Mexico and I doubt I'll ever go. Dave has no interest in going and this isn't something I think I would do alone. So I will live it through my walking. We made great miles this week. Becky finally turned in a months worth of miles so that helped to put us over the edge. Great job to all!
I know who wont be contributing for a while. That would be Austin. See, my son broke his foot. He hurt it at school and then he got it caught in the dog cage at home and fell. Looking back I feel bad. He was lying on the floor in pain and I did nothing. In truth I was irritated at him. I had been telling him for weeks to clean his room that it was a death trap, that someone was going to get hurt in there. He just happened to be the one who got hurt. I didn't even think he really got hurt. He has been on an emotional roller coaster lately. He falls he cries, its the worst pain ever, he plays, hes fine. The next day he was hobbling but he seemed alright, a bit sore. Wednesday night when we got back from my moms I wrapped it and looked at it and it was bruised and I said I think it is broken. Dave got shitty with me and told me well then someone should have taken him to the ER then shouldn't they. So that's what I did.
Several hours, a game of alphabet toss and a 1 a.m. happy meal, later we get home and the foot is indeed broken. I get Austin to sleep and Dave to bed and ask him why he snapped at me. He said he told me Monday that he thought it was broke but I had given him a look like he was stupid. I told him I didn't remember the conversation. He said of course I didn't. It's fall. He said it's hard to live with me in the fall. With those words I just laid my head back on the pillow and said nothing. He's right. It is hard to live with me in the fall. It's hard to be me in the fall. I could have countered with, it was the spaghetti day. I was crazed off carbs and sugar and red sauce. Its not my fault, blame the garlic bread or french bread or even the chocolate milk. But the truth of the matter is I knew it was me. I had chosen to ignore my sons pain long before the Carbohydrate Coma. I know the signs of S.A.D. I know what I can do to make it less drastic. But I was already looking down the rabbit hole.
So now I want to pull my hair out. But I guess it is my cross to bear. Austins room is spotless! I spent 5 hours cleaning it. We all help him out doing things because he is "gimpy". I drive him to and pick him up from school, so he doesn't have to ride the special bus. Because he can't be active his PERSONALITY is in overdrive. I love my son. But he is the most annoying 11 year old boy on the face of the planet right now.
On another note. I saw a pic of me when I was skinny. Probably about 10 years ago. I had a neck. OMG I had a long beautiful neck. My whole neck, shoulder, chin, boob flow thing was amazing. I felt like I was looking at a swan. I want that neck back! I want those boobs back! And And And I only had ONE chin!!! So I got myself back on track with MyFitnessPal and I am going to close down the kitchen at 9. I know some people are like 9 is pretty late. But there are some nights we don't even get home to start cooking dinner until 6 or 7. So when all s said and done dishes and everything can be done and put away by 9 and then lights out and kitchen closed at 9.
Well I think it is time for bed. I am tired. So I would like to say a short prayer and head off.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful friends and family who surround me everyday. Please help me to be patient with my son. I know that he isn't happy to be hurt and that he must be bored and irritated and that is why he is driving us all insane. Please help me to be a good parent. Help me to be a good role model here at home and with the boys in the scout pack. Please watch over my sister Micci while she adjusts to her PVC. Please be with my friend Jenny. She has a lot on her plate, God, and it's wearing her and her family down. In your name we pray. Amen
I know who wont be contributing for a while. That would be Austin. See, my son broke his foot. He hurt it at school and then he got it caught in the dog cage at home and fell. Looking back I feel bad. He was lying on the floor in pain and I did nothing. In truth I was irritated at him. I had been telling him for weeks to clean his room that it was a death trap, that someone was going to get hurt in there. He just happened to be the one who got hurt. I didn't even think he really got hurt. He has been on an emotional roller coaster lately. He falls he cries, its the worst pain ever, he plays, hes fine. The next day he was hobbling but he seemed alright, a bit sore. Wednesday night when we got back from my moms I wrapped it and looked at it and it was bruised and I said I think it is broken. Dave got shitty with me and told me well then someone should have taken him to the ER then shouldn't they. So that's what I did.
Several hours, a game of alphabet toss and a 1 a.m. happy meal, later we get home and the foot is indeed broken. I get Austin to sleep and Dave to bed and ask him why he snapped at me. He said he told me Monday that he thought it was broke but I had given him a look like he was stupid. I told him I didn't remember the conversation. He said of course I didn't. It's fall. He said it's hard to live with me in the fall. With those words I just laid my head back on the pillow and said nothing. He's right. It is hard to live with me in the fall. It's hard to be me in the fall. I could have countered with, it was the spaghetti day. I was crazed off carbs and sugar and red sauce. Its not my fault, blame the garlic bread or french bread or even the chocolate milk. But the truth of the matter is I knew it was me. I had chosen to ignore my sons pain long before the Carbohydrate Coma. I know the signs of S.A.D. I know what I can do to make it less drastic. But I was already looking down the rabbit hole.
So now I want to pull my hair out. But I guess it is my cross to bear. Austins room is spotless! I spent 5 hours cleaning it. We all help him out doing things because he is "gimpy". I drive him to and pick him up from school, so he doesn't have to ride the special bus. Because he can't be active his PERSONALITY is in overdrive. I love my son. But he is the most annoying 11 year old boy on the face of the planet right now.
On another note. I saw a pic of me when I was skinny. Probably about 10 years ago. I had a neck. OMG I had a long beautiful neck. My whole neck, shoulder, chin, boob flow thing was amazing. I felt like I was looking at a swan. I want that neck back! I want those boobs back! And And And I only had ONE chin!!! So I got myself back on track with MyFitnessPal and I am going to close down the kitchen at 9. I know some people are like 9 is pretty late. But there are some nights we don't even get home to start cooking dinner until 6 or 7. So when all s said and done dishes and everything can be done and put away by 9 and then lights out and kitchen closed at 9.
Well I think it is time for bed. I am tired. So I would like to say a short prayer and head off.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful friends and family who surround me everyday. Please help me to be patient with my son. I know that he isn't happy to be hurt and that he must be bored and irritated and that is why he is driving us all insane. Please help me to be a good parent. Help me to be a good role model here at home and with the boys in the scout pack. Please watch over my sister Micci while she adjusts to her PVC. Please be with my friend Jenny. She has a lot on her plate, God, and it's wearing her and her family down. In your name we pray. Amen
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fragile Kingdom....
I wonder what I look like to a lioness. Am I dinner? A snack? A pink skittle in an endless herd of human skittles that sits there and gawks at her and then moves on to the next resting animal. Does she even notice me at all? I try to think of it from her point of view, but I cant because unlike her I cant think of food as a means of survival, I think of food as something to do. The lioness probably didn't even notice me in the sea of people at the zoo yesterday. She probably didn't see Waldo either. Though I did find him several times. So if I am ever asked "Where's Waldo?" I can confidently say, "Brookfield Zoo."
I'm really irritated right now and I can tell you why. Spaghetti. Well truthfully, carbs! It always happens after spaghetti. My sugars get all jacked up and almost as soon as dinner is over I get this horrible headache. I become a total bitch, snappy and angry. My skin aches and is hyper sensitive and my muscles want to rip through because they are tired of being trapped inside. My brain hurts, my teeth hurt, my muscles hurt, my skin hurts, my ears hurt, my whole body HURTS. I become angry. Everything makes me mad. It has been 4 hours since dinner and I am still not right. My body is still sensitive and God forbid I start to think about something that might irritate me.
I feel bad for the kids. I snapped on them. I snapped on Dave. I should apologize in the morning. Dave was smart. He saw the dark cloud over head and he went quietly away. I told the kids what was going on and how I was feeling. I told them what kind of mood I was in and I told them that the way they were behaving was pissing me off. Yet they continued to fight anyway. I snapped. I should apologize, I should let it serve as a warning. I should learn that spaghetti is not my friend and I should not eat it anymore. Nothing good comes from it, and truthfully. I don't like it all that much.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for loving me even when I have a hard time loving myself. Thank You for my family and my friends. Thank You for the wonderful weather, the warm sun on my skin has been a blessing. God, please help me to be a better, more patient person. Help me to understand my addiction to food and how certain foods effect my body. Please help me to listen to You and to understand Your way is the right way. In your name we pray. Amen.
I'm really irritated right now and I can tell you why. Spaghetti. Well truthfully, carbs! It always happens after spaghetti. My sugars get all jacked up and almost as soon as dinner is over I get this horrible headache. I become a total bitch, snappy and angry. My skin aches and is hyper sensitive and my muscles want to rip through because they are tired of being trapped inside. My brain hurts, my teeth hurt, my muscles hurt, my skin hurts, my ears hurt, my whole body HURTS. I become angry. Everything makes me mad. It has been 4 hours since dinner and I am still not right. My body is still sensitive and God forbid I start to think about something that might irritate me.
I feel bad for the kids. I snapped on them. I snapped on Dave. I should apologize in the morning. Dave was smart. He saw the dark cloud over head and he went quietly away. I told the kids what was going on and how I was feeling. I told them what kind of mood I was in and I told them that the way they were behaving was pissing me off. Yet they continued to fight anyway. I snapped. I should apologize, I should let it serve as a warning. I should learn that spaghetti is not my friend and I should not eat it anymore. Nothing good comes from it, and truthfully. I don't like it all that much.
~~~CANCUN HERE WE COME~~~
We are so close! Our leader this past week is Dana. She has 20 miles. Micci has 15. Kristen is also in the double digits with an estimated 15 and Becky has a 3 week total I am still waiting on. Come on Becky!!! I am a single digit with 5 Stephanie with 9 and Lex with 5. We have traveled a total of 1305 miles.We are 1500 miles from our goal. We can do it. Come on friends!
Well it is time for a prayer and then I am going to go be a lioness in this fragile kingdom I call home.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for loving me even when I have a hard time loving myself. Thank You for my family and my friends. Thank You for the wonderful weather, the warm sun on my skin has been a blessing. God, please help me to be a better, more patient person. Help me to understand my addiction to food and how certain foods effect my body. Please help me to listen to You and to understand Your way is the right way. In your name we pray. Amen.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
A euphoric gain...
So since I lost my job I have been happy. I mean really really freaking happy. Tuesday I smiled. Wednesday I gardened. I laid in the sunlight and soaked it all in. I can honestly say that I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I spent a lot of time praying this past week. Asking God what it is I'm supposed to be doing. And everything I have been getting from him is home. I am supposed to be home. Financially we can make it. Everything is pointing to me being home for a while.
So I have been baking, and eating. I have been eating a lot. I am hoping that this is just a euphoric thing. Because I am going to be 300 pounds by Christmas at this rate. But I have to curb the munchies. So my question is am I munching because I am hungry, bored or depressed. I think there might still be some under lying resentment. But I don't think it is just the job thing. Or maybe it is just an excuse to eat. I guess I will talk to my therapist when she gets back. She had a death in the family so she is out for a few weeks. That's ok. I can afford to pay her anyway.
I miss Anytime Fitness. (Maybe this is my resentment?) I just want that to be known. I miss it a lot. I miss how good I felt when I was there. I miss the motivation. I miss the drive. I miss the desire. I knew that there was something there. A reason. I had to get up and do it. Here it is so easy to say I will do it in a little bit. I will do it after lunch. After the kids do this or after I do that. Then the day is over and I haven't done anything. I miss Anytime Fitness.
Wow I just saw a picture of myself. I knew I was fat, but wow. I guess the Euphoric gain just hit a not so euphoric end. I'm so not Happy right now!
So I have been baking, and eating. I have been eating a lot. I am hoping that this is just a euphoric thing. Because I am going to be 300 pounds by Christmas at this rate. But I have to curb the munchies. So my question is am I munching because I am hungry, bored or depressed. I think there might still be some under lying resentment. But I don't think it is just the job thing. Or maybe it is just an excuse to eat. I guess I will talk to my therapist when she gets back. She had a death in the family so she is out for a few weeks. That's ok. I can afford to pay her anyway.
I miss Anytime Fitness. (Maybe this is my resentment?) I just want that to be known. I miss it a lot. I miss how good I felt when I was there. I miss the motivation. I miss the drive. I miss the desire. I knew that there was something there. A reason. I had to get up and do it. Here it is so easy to say I will do it in a little bit. I will do it after lunch. After the kids do this or after I do that. Then the day is over and I haven't done anything. I miss Anytime Fitness.
Wow I just saw a picture of myself. I knew I was fat, but wow. I guess the Euphoric gain just hit a not so euphoric end. I'm so not Happy right now!
~~~~CANCUN HERE WE COME!!!~~~~
!!We are almost into Mexico!!
It has been a long road. But I cant tell you how proud I am of all of us. We have all had our challenges but we all continue. I am hoping that after we make it to Mexico we will work on making it somewhere else. This is the two week break down.
Dana week one: 25 miles and week 2: 25
Mom week one: 16 miles and week 2: 12
Micci week one:16 miles and week 2: 18
Kritty week one:16 miles and week 2: 18
Tina week one: 20 week 2: 3
Becky week one: week 2:
Stephanie week 2: 12
Alexis week one: 3 week 2: 3
total miles into the trip 1226. We are about 20 miles north of Corpus Christi. We are also only 200 miles from Mexico.
I am going to be add miles this week. I may not have Anytime Fitness but I have a picture that makes me realize that I am nowhere near where I thought I was.
'
That is me in the black. Now remember I have already lost 20 pounds. The one in the tank next to me is my sister Micci (Mickey like the mouse) next to her is my other sister Dana and last but certainly not least is my amazing mom! We were out for Dana's birthday. I was feeling confident and sexy that night. I don't feel that now looking at the pic.
Well I need to say a prayer and get back to work. There is life to get to and promises I need to fulfil to myself and God.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the messages you have given me. I am trying harder to listen more and talk less. Thank You for making the transition easy. For opening my heart and not being bitter. Thank You for my loving husband and my wonderful family and friends. I am so very blessed. God please be with those who are suffering.Please be with Jenny while she is dealing with the loss of her dad. She is struggling and she needs your help. Please watch over those who are lost whether it be to addiction, depression or mental illness, please help them to fight the demons that others can not see. Please help me to be strong down this road, God. I am weak, but I know with You. I can make it. In Your name we pray. Amen
Monday, October 10, 2011
I still havent found what I'm looking for (I lost my job)
I lost my job today. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I wont really know til tomorrow when I officially lose my job. today was more of the conversation over text messages that came down to me saying, "Well I plan on signing a one year membership to a gym tomorrow and I will be paying for that with the money I make at the barn. So if I don't have a job I'm screwed." to which my boss replied, "Call me in the morning. I am about to go meet a friend and I will be driving." Now here's the thing. I don't really think I am upset about losing my job. I have been unhappy there for a while. I think I have complained more than anything since they took me off of working with the horses and put me on clean up after people patrol. But I have been trying to stick it out. But in the end it wasn't what I needed it to be anymore. I think tomorrow when I call her I am going to make it easy on her too. I know it isn't easy to fire someone. So why make it miserable for her. Cut ties. End it and let it be over. I'll tell her I'll drop off my keys when I get my last paycheck.
Its funny the thing that I am most upset about is that I am not going to be able to afford my gym membership. If I signed up tomorrow, Tuesday, Oct. 11th, I would get a registration fee of only $11 instead of $50. That's a big difference. But with me not working I cant afford the monthly payments. I want to justify it. I want to say yes I can do it. I can make it happen. I can work it out. But I am stretching us thin and I just cant do it anymore. I am so sad about this it isn't even funny. I am honestly heart broken. I think that is the thing right now that makes me the saddest out of this whole stupid situation.
My house it a disaster, my weight is everywhere, I lost my job, my son has the flu, My dogs keep trying to kill each other, I need a hair cut and a pedicure and I am a tearful mess. So Dave took me out on the deck,which is in need of some tlc (we just haven't had time) and he asked me if I have talked to God about all of this. I had to be honest and say no. I have been a neglectful Christian. I haven't been talking to God and I sure haven't been listening. He told me of his recent struggles and how God helped him through. He told me to talk to him and that the only hand I needed right now was the hand I could not see. It was one of those magic moments. The way the black of the night was the perfect backdrop. His face was bathed in the soft glow of the moon. It was almost like God was talking to me through Dave. I just wanted to reach out and touch his silver grey hair. It was so powerfully beautiful. He told me that he knew I was a Christian and that he knew I was religious but sometimes I get so caught up in it all that I forget to talk to God.
I'm not going to lie. I didn't get everyone numbers this week. I know my mom did 16 miles. Mom I am so proud of you I cant even tell you. You have been such an inspiration. Everyday I talk to you I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in your smile. You are filled with joy. Every step brings you closer to your goal and when you tell me how many miles you walked and how many steps you've taken I can hear the pride ringing through and I can't help but swell up with pride too. Mom you are my Hero.
I would like to say a prayer and then I need to go to bed.
Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for the friends and family who listen to me complain and who support me when my life changes. Thank You for loving me and for guiding me down paths I might not be ready to go down on my own. I know that I may not always be a faithful servant but I try my best to be good. Thank You for the opportunity to serve you. Dear God please be with me, guide me on the next journey I am about to begin. I am afraid, I do not want to fail. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Keep checking out Jill @ What We Eat! She has a recipe for Italian Sausage and Peppers! How Yummy is that!!!!
Its funny the thing that I am most upset about is that I am not going to be able to afford my gym membership. If I signed up tomorrow, Tuesday, Oct. 11th, I would get a registration fee of only $11 instead of $50. That's a big difference. But with me not working I cant afford the monthly payments. I want to justify it. I want to say yes I can do it. I can make it happen. I can work it out. But I am stretching us thin and I just cant do it anymore. I am so sad about this it isn't even funny. I am honestly heart broken. I think that is the thing right now that makes me the saddest out of this whole stupid situation.
My house it a disaster, my weight is everywhere, I lost my job, my son has the flu, My dogs keep trying to kill each other, I need a hair cut and a pedicure and I am a tearful mess. So Dave took me out on the deck,which is in need of some tlc (we just haven't had time) and he asked me if I have talked to God about all of this. I had to be honest and say no. I have been a neglectful Christian. I haven't been talking to God and I sure haven't been listening. He told me of his recent struggles and how God helped him through. He told me to talk to him and that the only hand I needed right now was the hand I could not see. It was one of those magic moments. The way the black of the night was the perfect backdrop. His face was bathed in the soft glow of the moon. It was almost like God was talking to me through Dave. I just wanted to reach out and touch his silver grey hair. It was so powerfully beautiful. He told me that he knew I was a Christian and that he knew I was religious but sometimes I get so caught up in it all that I forget to talk to God.
I'm not going to lie. I didn't get everyone numbers this week. I know my mom did 16 miles. Mom I am so proud of you I cant even tell you. You have been such an inspiration. Everyday I talk to you I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in your smile. You are filled with joy. Every step brings you closer to your goal and when you tell me how many miles you walked and how many steps you've taken I can hear the pride ringing through and I can't help but swell up with pride too. Mom you are my Hero.
I would like to say a prayer and then I need to go to bed.
Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for the friends and family who listen to me complain and who support me when my life changes. Thank You for loving me and for guiding me down paths I might not be ready to go down on my own. I know that I may not always be a faithful servant but I try my best to be good. Thank You for the opportunity to serve you. Dear God please be with me, guide me on the next journey I am about to begin. I am afraid, I do not want to fail. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Keep checking out Jill @ What We Eat! She has a recipe for Italian Sausage and Peppers! How Yummy is that!!!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I did something awesome!!!!
I did something awesome! I got off my ass, I put on my tennis shoes and I went to Anytime Fitness. I got a 14 day free pass and I decided that it was time. I wasn't doing it here. I kept finding reasons not to get off my ass. Excuses really. Its easy to rationalize things when your sitting on a couch. But I have been saying for a while now I need a change. I need my aha moment. On Thursday I went and I got on the elliptical for 30 minutes. Now, I haven't exercised like that in a long time. I used to love riding my bike, but I never really did other cardio. I liked the way I felt so I went and spent another 25 minutes on the recumbent bike. I left feeling great. I felt refreshed. I went home and I cleaned up. I didn't fight it like I always do, I just felt the need to keep going.
Friday I had to work. I have made a commitment to my boss to be there three days a week, two to three hours a day. I made the commitment because I need to have money to pay for my membership. Work was easy. It was slow and I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I went I accomplished a few things and I left there feeling good. I then went home, changed clothes and headed out again. I did another 25 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the bike. I could feel the stretch, but in the end it wasn't my legs that hurt, but my feet. I felt like they were going to fall off from being numb. Dana said I need to change the cross something, I will ask the personal trainer that I get to meet on Monday. I brought my headphones with this time. Great thing is there are tv's on all the cardio machines. But you need headphones to listen.
Saturday, For about 20 minutes ( I wasn't really awake, just semi-conscious.) I debated going today. I was tired and I had been up all night drawing "Critter" for Kaylee. A mental smack changed things for me. I was dressed and ready and heading out the door. I was bummed to find out that I cant work out on Sunday because I am not a member yet and only members can work out when there isn't a staff member there. So I cant go. But I did 25 on the elliptical and 25 on the bike. Today I can feel it in my thighs and calves. The ache made me giddy!! I know it is silly but I was so excited.
So I have been thinking, I enjoy my baking, I plan to do more, but I have GOT to figure out portions so that everyone can have some AND it wont be gone in 2 days. I also don't want to spend all this time working out and then go home and fill myself up on crap. There will be a lot more healthy food going through the door.
I have now made myself a member of the Couch to Cancun leader board. I know it has been a while since I have given a real Cancun update, so here it is. The leaders as of tonight are as follows.
So I have goals and plans this week and I am going to share them before we get to our prayer.
Time for a prayer and then I am out of here.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank you for my wonderful nieces. Watching them grow is such a blessing. Thank you for blessing me with such a great family. I am so lucky to be loved by so many. Thank you for the ability to get up and go. Please watch over my Grandma as she recovers from surgery. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Friday I had to work. I have made a commitment to my boss to be there three days a week, two to three hours a day. I made the commitment because I need to have money to pay for my membership. Work was easy. It was slow and I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I went I accomplished a few things and I left there feeling good. I then went home, changed clothes and headed out again. I did another 25 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the bike. I could feel the stretch, but in the end it wasn't my legs that hurt, but my feet. I felt like they were going to fall off from being numb. Dana said I need to change the cross something, I will ask the personal trainer that I get to meet on Monday. I brought my headphones with this time. Great thing is there are tv's on all the cardio machines. But you need headphones to listen.
Saturday, For about 20 minutes ( I wasn't really awake, just semi-conscious.) I debated going today. I was tired and I had been up all night drawing "Critter" for Kaylee. A mental smack changed things for me. I was dressed and ready and heading out the door. I was bummed to find out that I cant work out on Sunday because I am not a member yet and only members can work out when there isn't a staff member there. So I cant go. But I did 25 on the elliptical and 25 on the bike. Today I can feel it in my thighs and calves. The ache made me giddy!! I know it is silly but I was so excited.
So I have been thinking, I enjoy my baking, I plan to do more, but I have GOT to figure out portions so that everyone can have some AND it wont be gone in 2 days. I also don't want to spend all this time working out and then go home and fill myself up on crap. There will be a lot more healthy food going through the door.
- Becky with 30 miles.
- Dana with 25 miles.
- Tina (that's me!!!!) with 21 miles.
So I have goals and plans this week and I am going to share them before we get to our prayer.
- This week I am going to continue to go to Anytime Fitness
- I am going to go to work on time and bust my butt!
- I am going to continue to pray
- I am going to clean my room
- I am going to try to cut my grocery bill by $50.
Time for a prayer and then I am out of here.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I bought, I baked, I bombed... but I'm ok.
Anyone with kids in school knows how true this next statement is. Buying snacks for lunches is expensive. You dont want to fill them up with crap, ding-dongs and ho-hos and all of that. I think it is ridiculous that you pay $2.50 or more for a box of yum yum's and you only get 6. Between the kids and Dave that box will be empty in 2 days flat. I don't know about you but I want to spend as little time grocery shopping as possible. I dont want to go to the store every other day. So I decided to bake.
My sister Dana, is the baker in the family. Dana can bake all kinds of yummy stuff. Recently she has started baking with wheat flour instead of white, so I decided that I was going to do the same. Austin has been begging me for months to make apple dumplings. I got a recipe on-line for apple dumplings. I went to the store, I bought what I needed and I set a date to make my dumplings.
Saturday morning I made the dough and the sauce. I peeled and cored the apples. I had everything set up. But I must have been doing something wrong. Because the wonderful yummy dumplings I expected were not all that great. I think next time I will go half and half on the flour. But I bombed. I killed it, I totally missed it on this one. And I am ok with it. I was glad that I at least tried. I am not going to let my bubble be popped. Tomorrow I am going to make cookies and I am going to use my wheat flour.
I have been fighting with these same few pounds for a while. Well this week I got out of the 240's. I got myself down to 237.2. I was so excited. I did a little dance in the kitchen.
I have been struggling with this whole work thing. The truth of the matter is I'm not as happy as I used to be. But I have to make a change. I either go on a regular schedule so that I am not struggling to get my hours in on Sunday, or I quit. Tomorrow morning when Austin goes to school I am putting on my shit shoveling shoes and I am going to go to work. I can only get 6 hours a week so I figure if I go Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 2 hours in the morning it will give me something to do other than sleep.
Dave says I need to do a Vision Quest. It is a Native American spiritual path to finding your purpose in life. It's not a fun activity. You go somewhere, the woods, a mountain, a field.... and you make a circle and for 4 days you only leave the circle to go to the bathroom. You do not eat, some tribes say you do not drink water, you fast. In those 4 days your senses will become hightened. Your dreams become more vivid and you are supposed to find your purpose. I think I would lose my mind in only a few hours. But I could be wrong. I just know I have to find my purpose. Maybe then I wont feel like it hurts to be.
I have a goal for this week. Its simple. This week I will get down on my knees and I will pray every day. I will ask God for guidance and wisdom. I also plan to move. Little steps or big, I will move my body. I have been looking into couch to 5k programs. I'll be honest they scare me.
Well I am going to say my prayer and then go and try to clear my head.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for my friends and my family. I am so glad that I have them. Please watch over my Grandma Kelly. She has a rough road ahead of her with surgery for cancer and her recovery. Please be with her and the rest of my family. I would also like to say a prayer for A-me. She knows why, as do you. I would also like to say a prayer for Sandee. I feel like she might be struggling and she needs your guidance. I know that You are with these strong women. Please help me not to over-eat this week. Please help calm my nerves while I wait for these tests to be run and get the results. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Hey Jill I think you need an apple dumpling recipe for What We Eat .
My sister Dana, is the baker in the family. Dana can bake all kinds of yummy stuff. Recently she has started baking with wheat flour instead of white, so I decided that I was going to do the same. Austin has been begging me for months to make apple dumplings. I got a recipe on-line for apple dumplings. I went to the store, I bought what I needed and I set a date to make my dumplings.
Saturday morning I made the dough and the sauce. I peeled and cored the apples. I had everything set up. But I must have been doing something wrong. Because the wonderful yummy dumplings I expected were not all that great. I think next time I will go half and half on the flour. But I bombed. I killed it, I totally missed it on this one. And I am ok with it. I was glad that I at least tried. I am not going to let my bubble be popped. Tomorrow I am going to make cookies and I am going to use my wheat flour.
I have been fighting with these same few pounds for a while. Well this week I got out of the 240's. I got myself down to 237.2. I was so excited. I did a little dance in the kitchen.
I have been struggling with this whole work thing. The truth of the matter is I'm not as happy as I used to be. But I have to make a change. I either go on a regular schedule so that I am not struggling to get my hours in on Sunday, or I quit. Tomorrow morning when Austin goes to school I am putting on my shit shoveling shoes and I am going to go to work. I can only get 6 hours a week so I figure if I go Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 2 hours in the morning it will give me something to do other than sleep.
Dave says I need to do a Vision Quest. It is a Native American spiritual path to finding your purpose in life. It's not a fun activity. You go somewhere, the woods, a mountain, a field.... and you make a circle and for 4 days you only leave the circle to go to the bathroom. You do not eat, some tribes say you do not drink water, you fast. In those 4 days your senses will become hightened. Your dreams become more vivid and you are supposed to find your purpose. I think I would lose my mind in only a few hours. But I could be wrong. I just know I have to find my purpose. Maybe then I wont feel like it hurts to be.
I have a goal for this week. Its simple. This week I will get down on my knees and I will pray every day. I will ask God for guidance and wisdom. I also plan to move. Little steps or big, I will move my body. I have been looking into couch to 5k programs. I'll be honest they scare me.
Well I am going to say my prayer and then go and try to clear my head.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for my friends and my family. I am so glad that I have them. Please watch over my Grandma Kelly. She has a rough road ahead of her with surgery for cancer and her recovery. Please be with her and the rest of my family. I would also like to say a prayer for A-me. She knows why, as do you. I would also like to say a prayer for Sandee. I feel like she might be struggling and she needs your guidance. I know that You are with these strong women. Please help me not to over-eat this week. Please help calm my nerves while I wait for these tests to be run and get the results. Please watch over us all. In your name we pray. Amen
Hey Jill I think you need an apple dumpling recipe for What We Eat .
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Organization is not a four letter word
I feel the need to get organized. Don't ask why. I don't understand it myself. But I am feeling the need for organization in my life. So I started with something small today. I organized my coupon book. I started a menu for next week and I started the shopping list for next Friday. That way I am not guessing. I am writing a schedule for tomorrow too. Crazy I know, But I want to be more organized. I just feel like I will accomplish more and feel better about myself.
We downloaded Fruit Ninja for the XBOX360. OMG! way to much fun!!! Let me tell you that is a work out! I think I am going to get Zumba. I am more likely to do some Zumba at the house than to go out and do it. I am afraid to look like a fool. But ya know what maybe I need to go out and look like a fool.
Maybe I need to go out and live life again. Maybe that is my problem!
On top of organization I also feel the need to be Thankful. I have decided that I need to clear my mind and my soul of my anger and stress toward others. There are people in my life that are drama and irritation and I find myself wanting to ring their necks and I realize that their drama has no bearing on my life. None at all. It doesn't matter what they say or do, it doesn't matter that they breath. So why am I stressing their existence. So I have decided to be thankful. I am going to try every day to find things that I am thankful for. When I feel like I am going to explode from irritation I am going to step back and think about it. I think less stress is going to lead to a little less eating. Considering I am a stress eater.
I am thankful that I know a little bit about Bi Polar.
I am thankful for my sisters, for my mom, and for my Aunt Di.
I am thankful for my husband and my beautiful kids
I am thankful for my old, fat, grouchy, lovable dog Tators.
I am thankful for all of you.
OK on to Cancun.
We have made it a total of 1000 miles from good old Thornton, IL. This week we covered 55 miles. We are now in the Sam Houston National Forest.The Forest Preserve was established in 1935. it covers a total of 161,508 acres. It has a 128 mile Lone Star hiking trail! Can you imagine hiking that one. You can still camp out in the wild. Except during hunting season when you can only camp in designated camping areas. How much fun is that!!!!
I have been yo yoing with the same 3 pounds. I guess that's not to bad. With everything in the end at least I haven't gained a million back. But I would much rather be losing it. I am hoping that I will be losing it. I am going to start taking a multi vitamin that a friend of mine from work game me. We will see how that goes.
Well I believe it is time for a little prayer and then we are off to do more laundry and organizing.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You, for all the wonderful people in my life. I am so blessed. Thank You for helping me to rejuvenate my body and mind. Thank You for being my Savior, for loving me unconditionally. Thank You for guiding me and helping me to find my way out of the darkness. I am not out yet, but with your love and guidance I know I can get there. God please be with those who are lost. Help guide them home. Please be with those who suffer. Whose arms and hearts are empty and broken. Please be with those who are fighting demons they can not see, depression, addiction, PTSD. Please comfort the sick and the dying. In your name we pray. Amen
Oh and as always Check out my friend Jills blog What We Eat !!
We downloaded Fruit Ninja for the XBOX360. OMG! way to much fun!!! Let me tell you that is a work out! I think I am going to get Zumba. I am more likely to do some Zumba at the house than to go out and do it. I am afraid to look like a fool. But ya know what maybe I need to go out and look like a fool.
Maybe I need to go out and live life again. Maybe that is my problem!
On top of organization I also feel the need to be Thankful. I have decided that I need to clear my mind and my soul of my anger and stress toward others. There are people in my life that are drama and irritation and I find myself wanting to ring their necks and I realize that their drama has no bearing on my life. None at all. It doesn't matter what they say or do, it doesn't matter that they breath. So why am I stressing their existence. So I have decided to be thankful. I am going to try every day to find things that I am thankful for. When I feel like I am going to explode from irritation I am going to step back and think about it. I think less stress is going to lead to a little less eating. Considering I am a stress eater.
I am thankful that I know a little bit about Bi Polar.
I am thankful for my sisters, for my mom, and for my Aunt Di.
I am thankful for my husband and my beautiful kids
I am thankful for my old, fat, grouchy, lovable dog Tators.
I am thankful for all of you.
OK on to Cancun.
We have made it a total of 1000 miles from good old Thornton, IL. This week we covered 55 miles. We are now in the Sam Houston National Forest.The Forest Preserve was established in 1935. it covers a total of 161,508 acres. It has a 128 mile Lone Star hiking trail! Can you imagine hiking that one. You can still camp out in the wild. Except during hunting season when you can only camp in designated camping areas. How much fun is that!!!!
I have been yo yoing with the same 3 pounds. I guess that's not to bad. With everything in the end at least I haven't gained a million back. But I would much rather be losing it. I am hoping that I will be losing it. I am going to start taking a multi vitamin that a friend of mine from work game me. We will see how that goes.
Well I believe it is time for a little prayer and then we are off to do more laundry and organizing.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You, for all the wonderful people in my life. I am so blessed. Thank You for helping me to rejuvenate my body and mind. Thank You for being my Savior, for loving me unconditionally. Thank You for guiding me and helping me to find my way out of the darkness. I am not out yet, but with your love and guidance I know I can get there. God please be with those who are lost. Help guide them home. Please be with those who suffer. Whose arms and hearts are empty and broken. Please be with those who are fighting demons they can not see, depression, addiction, PTSD. Please comfort the sick and the dying. In your name we pray. Amen
Oh and as always Check out my friend Jills blog What We Eat !!
Monday, September 12, 2011
I dont mean to be rude but ......
For the last six months you have been looking like hell! A good friend of mine said that to me today. So I asked Dave if it was true. He said, "That's kind of harsh, but you definitely look run down." I don't know if that is any better, but I know in both cases its the truth. I look and I feel like hell. I am feeling run down. The simple task of showering is mind blowingly difficult some days. Its not that I don't want to finish the tasks that I set forth, I do, but I don't have the energy to do it. All my body wants and needs is more sleep. I am tired all the time.
Now I don't want you to think that my friend came out of the blue and said this to me, She didn't just call me up and say "Hey Tina, You look like crap!" No we were talking about my appointment with the neurologist today. I finally got in to see him and I am glad that I did. First off I like him because he did something that other people haven't done before. He threw out all the old diagnosis and said lets start with just the symptoms. Now I'll tell ya, hes a little, um, abrupt, factual, short, to the point maybe. He wants all the details. He listened, and when I forgot something and had an oh yeah moment he was OK with it and went back and made more notes. He didn't write me off like the other neurologist did.
So I have a slew of tests ordered. A bunch of blood work, which I have to fast for. One of those tests is B12 and folic acid (I believe) My mom said good! Someone should be testing for those, with all the meds I am on, those should be tested anyway. He also ordered an MRI, MRI w/contrast, PET scan and a CAT scan, and EMG's of the face, legs and arms. I think there was one other but I don't remember. Oh yeah a sleep study. I am going to be a busy girl.
Years ago the neurologist I went to told me that the tic in my face was only going to be managed with botox injections. This dr. told me that botox would never have helped me. It looks like I may have Tourettes and Botox has no effect on that. To me it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that there is a Dr. who is listening.
This has been an emotional weekend. Six years ago on Sunday September 11th my beloved Poppy passed away. The weekend he died was very much like the weekend we had this weekend but it ended on a much better note. Saturday we went apple picking. We went as a family, Me and Lex, Mom, Micci and her two kids, Dana and her daughter and GiGi. Austin had his friends stay the night so he was out of the mix. We bought over 200 pounds of apples. The walk felt good. I cant tell you how much I enjoy walking in the apple orchard with my family. Our first trip was the day before Poppy died. I thought it would be our last. Sunday we went to church, This year we had the church picnic, so church was outside at a forest preserve. I think in its own way it was fitting. Poppy was there, all around us Sunday. On September 11th 2005 Poppy was supposed to attend a baptism and a birthday party. It was supposed to be a day to celebrate. September 11th, 2011 we celebrated at the church picnic. In St. Paul style we released balloons into the air with our names and the name of the church and return address. Every year people write back and tell us how far our balloon has gone. If I had thought about it I would have put Poppy's name on it. But I don't think helium can make it to heaven.
Yes we have made some progress. Thanks to everyone for getting out there and making it happen. We are now in the great state of Texas my friends. He have made our way to Lufkin. Welcome to Texas Forest Country—home of the Pineywoods Purgatory. If you’ve ridden the Purgatory before, you know this is an unforgettable ride! As you pedal the rolling hills that lead you through our thickly
wooded forests, the challenge of this terrain becomes evident. The beauty of an October day in East Texas will be a ride you’ll never forget—and it’ll make you want to come back for more! Join us for what will be an exciting and scenic ride—the Pineywoods Purgatory.
Now I don't want you to think that my friend came out of the blue and said this to me, She didn't just call me up and say "Hey Tina, You look like crap!" No we were talking about my appointment with the neurologist today. I finally got in to see him and I am glad that I did. First off I like him because he did something that other people haven't done before. He threw out all the old diagnosis and said lets start with just the symptoms. Now I'll tell ya, hes a little, um, abrupt, factual, short, to the point maybe. He wants all the details. He listened, and when I forgot something and had an oh yeah moment he was OK with it and went back and made more notes. He didn't write me off like the other neurologist did.
So I have a slew of tests ordered. A bunch of blood work, which I have to fast for. One of those tests is B12 and folic acid (I believe) My mom said good! Someone should be testing for those, with all the meds I am on, those should be tested anyway. He also ordered an MRI, MRI w/contrast, PET scan and a CAT scan, and EMG's of the face, legs and arms. I think there was one other but I don't remember. Oh yeah a sleep study. I am going to be a busy girl.
Years ago the neurologist I went to told me that the tic in my face was only going to be managed with botox injections. This dr. told me that botox would never have helped me. It looks like I may have Tourettes and Botox has no effect on that. To me it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that there is a Dr. who is listening.
This has been an emotional weekend. Six years ago on Sunday September 11th my beloved Poppy passed away. The weekend he died was very much like the weekend we had this weekend but it ended on a much better note. Saturday we went apple picking. We went as a family, Me and Lex, Mom, Micci and her two kids, Dana and her daughter and GiGi. Austin had his friends stay the night so he was out of the mix. We bought over 200 pounds of apples. The walk felt good. I cant tell you how much I enjoy walking in the apple orchard with my family. Our first trip was the day before Poppy died. I thought it would be our last. Sunday we went to church, This year we had the church picnic, so church was outside at a forest preserve. I think in its own way it was fitting. Poppy was there, all around us Sunday. On September 11th 2005 Poppy was supposed to attend a baptism and a birthday party. It was supposed to be a day to celebrate. September 11th, 2011 we celebrated at the church picnic. In St. Paul style we released balloons into the air with our names and the name of the church and return address. Every year people write back and tell us how far our balloon has gone. If I had thought about it I would have put Poppy's name on it. But I don't think helium can make it to heaven.~~~~~WELL I HAVE A CANCUN UPDATE~~~~~~
Yes we have made some progress. Thanks to everyone for getting out there and making it happen. We are now in the great state of Texas my friends. He have made our way to Lufkin. Welcome to Texas Forest Country—home of the Pineywoods Purgatory. If you’ve ridden the Purgatory before, you know this is an unforgettable ride! As you pedal the rolling hills that lead you through our thickly
wooded forests, the challenge of this terrain becomes evident. The beauty of an October day in East Texas will be a ride you’ll never forget—and it’ll make you want to come back for more! Join us for what will be an exciting and scenic ride—the Pineywoods Purgatory.
25 mile route…takes you through gently rolling hills.
A quick, invigorating ride!
52 mile route…shows off our lush forests and the
rural communities that dot the area
72 mile route…Our most popular ride. Provides a
scenic view of three counties including an iron bridge
crossing! Recommended for the experienced cyclist.
102 mile route…wonderfully hilly ride that winds
through many small hamlets with names like Sweet
Union and Atoy—plus a finish you’ll never forget.
Should be attempted by the experienced cyclist only.
A quick, invigorating ride!
52 mile route…shows off our lush forests and the
rural communities that dot the area
72 mile route…Our most popular ride. Provides a
scenic view of three counties including an iron bridge
crossing! Recommended for the experienced cyclist.
102 mile route…wonderfully hilly ride that winds
through many small hamlets with names like Sweet
Union and Atoy—plus a finish you’ll never forget.
Should be attempted by the experienced cyclist only.
That sounds like something I would like to do one day!!! Whose with me? I think we can do it!! I think we can!. Only 1889 miles to go! I know it seems like a lot, But we can get there. We just have to keep going.
Well I think it is time for a prayer and then I am off to bed.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for helping me find a Dr. who is willing to listen to me. Thank You for my friends who love me and encourage me and support me. Thank You for my family, without them I would be lost. Thank You for my church family they are a rock I can always lean on. God, please continue to help those who are hurting from the attacks of 9/11. Help us as a nation to heal. Where were you when the world stopped turning? Right where you always had been. In your name we pray. Amen.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
I'm so glad you could make it
Today was Austin's family birthday party. I think it went well. My house looked nice. The yard looked good. The food was tasty. I introduced my mom, sisters and Aunt Di to wood chopping. ( Hopefully I will have pics to come at a later date) I think my mom will be getting a splitting maul for Christmas. She was out there rocking it. I think its funny because you never know what you will learn when you come out here. I said next time they come out they can learn how to shoot a rifle. LOL I think mom will do it but I don't think my sisters will be up on that one. Cake and ice cream went well. I had a little of both. Austin was funny, he was itching to get to those presents. I think he was ready to come out his skin. We told him we were going to play red neck hide and seek. He needed to go hide and we would guess were he was. Finally we let him sit down and open presents.
Austin is a WEBELO Scout. WEBELO means We BE LOYAL Scouts. Scouting is something that was very important to my dads side of the family. Not so much with my dad but my Aunt Di was a den mother and my Uncle Marlin and Grandpa Kelly were Den Leaders. There wasn't a time I didn't remember something related to scouting going on. There were popcorn sales and wreath sales. There were hikes and camp outs. People knew my Grandpa and respected him.
My Aunt Di gave Austin some scouting stuff. A compass, tin cup, mess kit and a collapsible cup. Then there was the gift that I KNEW was coming. I was "PREPARED" for this. Only I wasn't. Aunt Di had found Grandpa Kelly's old ALICE Pack. For those who don't know an ALICE pack is one of the packs that looks like a backpack on a metal frame. You can put your sleeping bag on there, canteen, etc.. Well, I was a little misty eyed when he got it. Then Aunt Di started to tell him about it and he was like "cool." He put it on and he decided to look inside. What we didn't know was that Grandpa hadn't cleaned it out. That was what I wasn't prepared for.
As my husband and my son opened the various zippers and pulled out different items my Aunt would tell them different things. I know it is silly but I could feel him there with us. Not just me but all of us. Grandpas love was there. His memory was as strong as the sun shining down on us all. The love he had for scouts was being handed down to my son. His love for his family was in the air. I know it sounds silly. It's like a movie, or a song, But there was so much emotion in the air, so much love it was beautiful. I believe with every fiber in me that my Grandpa was there today. I believe that for the first time in 5 years my Grandpa was alive.
Today was a very emotional day. It kind of made everything I stressed about this past week feel like it was "eh." But at the time it wasn't "eh."
I have been a bad record keeper this week and I haven't asked anyone for their mileage. I know it kind of feels hit and miss. But I think with school getting back into session its been a little off for us all. But I am going to get on myself and everyone this week to report at the end of the day so I can get us out of Louisiana. I would love to be in Mexico by the end of September.
I gained 2 pounds this week. I am not proud of myself. Originally it was like7. But I have worked off 5 of it. I think that 5 of it was from the wedding, lack of sleep and lots of booze and grease. So I am still up 2.
I am still working on my purpose. I don't know what it is. I am still looking. Tomorrow my purpose is to clean the barn and hang feed buckets. Not all that interesting. But its a job. I think I need to charge my camera battery and go take some pictures. I think Sandee needs a new picture for her desk.
Well I am feeling a little off right now so I think I am going to pray and re-read this to make sure it makes sense.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for the wonderful family that surrounds me. Thank You for small gifts of love that you don't expect. Thank You for my son. My wonderful boy who is such a gift. Thank You for bringing my Grandpa to us today. Thank You for good weather and good friends. God Please watch over those who are scared and alone. Those whose hearts are breaking. Please comfort and protect them. Please watch over the soldiers who fight for my liberties and for the laborers who have sacrificed themselves so that I may have so many of the things I enjoy. Please watch over those who are suffering. Those who are fighting demons they can not see. Please help them find peace. In Your name we pray. Amen.
Large ALICE Field Pack with Frame and Full Outfit LC-1 Green
Austin is a WEBELO Scout. WEBELO means We BE LOYAL Scouts. Scouting is something that was very important to my dads side of the family. Not so much with my dad but my Aunt Di was a den mother and my Uncle Marlin and Grandpa Kelly were Den Leaders. There wasn't a time I didn't remember something related to scouting going on. There were popcorn sales and wreath sales. There were hikes and camp outs. People knew my Grandpa and respected him.
My Aunt Di gave Austin some scouting stuff. A compass, tin cup, mess kit and a collapsible cup. Then there was the gift that I KNEW was coming. I was "PREPARED" for this. Only I wasn't. Aunt Di had found Grandpa Kelly's old ALICE Pack. For those who don't know an ALICE pack is one of the packs that looks like a backpack on a metal frame. You can put your sleeping bag on there, canteen, etc.. Well, I was a little misty eyed when he got it. Then Aunt Di started to tell him about it and he was like "cool." He put it on and he decided to look inside. What we didn't know was that Grandpa hadn't cleaned it out. That was what I wasn't prepared for.
As my husband and my son opened the various zippers and pulled out different items my Aunt would tell them different things. I know it is silly but I could feel him there with us. Not just me but all of us. Grandpas love was there. His memory was as strong as the sun shining down on us all. The love he had for scouts was being handed down to my son. His love for his family was in the air. I know it sounds silly. It's like a movie, or a song, But there was so much emotion in the air, so much love it was beautiful. I believe with every fiber in me that my Grandpa was there today. I believe that for the first time in 5 years my Grandpa was alive.
Today was a very emotional day. It kind of made everything I stressed about this past week feel like it was "eh." But at the time it wasn't "eh."
I have been a bad record keeper this week and I haven't asked anyone for their mileage. I know it kind of feels hit and miss. But I think with school getting back into session its been a little off for us all. But I am going to get on myself and everyone this week to report at the end of the day so I can get us out of Louisiana. I would love to be in Mexico by the end of September.
I gained 2 pounds this week. I am not proud of myself. Originally it was like7. But I have worked off 5 of it. I think that 5 of it was from the wedding, lack of sleep and lots of booze and grease. So I am still up 2.
I am still working on my purpose. I don't know what it is. I am still looking. Tomorrow my purpose is to clean the barn and hang feed buckets. Not all that interesting. But its a job. I think I need to charge my camera battery and go take some pictures. I think Sandee needs a new picture for her desk.
Well I am feeling a little off right now so I think I am going to pray and re-read this to make sure it makes sense.
Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for the wonderful family that surrounds me. Thank You for small gifts of love that you don't expect. Thank You for my son. My wonderful boy who is such a gift. Thank You for bringing my Grandpa to us today. Thank You for good weather and good friends. God Please watch over those who are scared and alone. Those whose hearts are breaking. Please comfort and protect them. Please watch over the soldiers who fight for my liberties and for the laborers who have sacrificed themselves so that I may have so many of the things I enjoy. Please watch over those who are suffering. Those who are fighting demons they can not see. Please help them find peace. In Your name we pray. Amen.
Large ALICE Field Pack with Frame and Full Outfit LC-1 Green
Sunday, August 28, 2011
I read your blog, Your doing great!!!
When I started writing this I only sent it out to a few select friends. I didn't want people to know my struggles. I mean you look at me and you know I have weight to lose but you don't know how much. And a smile and a nod or a passing glance on the street don't tell you how I am feeling or why it is I am struggling the way that I am. I was embarrassed and ashamed. But I had to tell someone my story. I was shocked by the positive response I got. So I spread the word a little more. But I was shocked this past week when I finally let go and posted on Facebook instead of being restrictive. The fear I had inside, the fear of public humiliation, was gone. If nothing else I was embraced. I was accepted with open arms. I was complimented.
Its amazing how compliments can make you feel, especially when you stop blocking them and start listening to them. I went to a wedding last night and I actually felt good in my skin. I wore a dress I felt good in. My hair was down, my make up was soft, my skin was tan and healthy. I felt pretty and that's not something I say often. When we got to the reception the groom told me I look amazing. I blushed and instead of deflecting it like I usually do I said thank you. I teared up when my husband said I looked beautiful later that night.
This morning in church one of the members told me I looked good, he read my blog. That my efforts were paying off. Even my pastor made notice. Truly the lord is good to me. It may take a village to raise a child but there isn't anything that can't be done without the support of God, family, friends and faith behind you. Obviously I have all of that. I have comments on Facebook and my blog and personal e-mails, all encouraging me to keep going. So I shall.
I know it has only been a few days since I last blogged so there isn't to much to catch up on, but there are a few things to share. I did keep most of my promise. Thursday and Friday I exercised. I went to the beach and I body surfed in some crazy waves. My whole body ached but we got up and did it again the next day. Saturday I did not. I was busy from the time I woke up til 5 am when I went to bed. I ended up taking one of our dogs to the vet at 1:30 in the morning. She bit into an electrical cord and shocked herself and burned the inside of her mouth. Poor puppy is in pain. So I did not get it done. BUT We did put up a new Challenge on myfitnesspal . It is exercise oriented. Micci is the challenger. So this week we add something new everyday. if you walk everyday than you add 5 minutes jogging. so on so forth. Plus staying under 225 carbs a day.
This week I am planning on using some of the recipes from What We Eat , a blog from my friend Jill. She used to do Weight Watchers like me and she is also working on losing weight and eating healthier. She is cooking healthy food for life for her and her two young boys. Eating habits are learned young.
Well I am getting tired and it is time for dinner. SO I think it is time for a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life who have shown me that I am never alone. Thank you for Kristen, she is a blessing to our family. I am so happy that she confirmed today and she is now a member of the church. Thank you for the doctors at the all night clinic for being there to look at my poor dog Maddie. God please be with Jenny Hutson and her family as they get ready to bury her dad. May they find comfort in your arms and your words. God please be with those who struggle. Find comfort for the needy. Please help those who battle enemies unknown, drugs, alcohol, depression and other illnesses. In your name we pray. Amen
Its amazing how compliments can make you feel, especially when you stop blocking them and start listening to them. I went to a wedding last night and I actually felt good in my skin. I wore a dress I felt good in. My hair was down, my make up was soft, my skin was tan and healthy. I felt pretty and that's not something I say often. When we got to the reception the groom told me I look amazing. I blushed and instead of deflecting it like I usually do I said thank you. I teared up when my husband said I looked beautiful later that night.
This morning in church one of the members told me I looked good, he read my blog. That my efforts were paying off. Even my pastor made notice. Truly the lord is good to me. It may take a village to raise a child but there isn't anything that can't be done without the support of God, family, friends and faith behind you. Obviously I have all of that. I have comments on Facebook and my blog and personal e-mails, all encouraging me to keep going. So I shall.
I know it has only been a few days since I last blogged so there isn't to much to catch up on, but there are a few things to share. I did keep most of my promise. Thursday and Friday I exercised. I went to the beach and I body surfed in some crazy waves. My whole body ached but we got up and did it again the next day. Saturday I did not. I was busy from the time I woke up til 5 am when I went to bed. I ended up taking one of our dogs to the vet at 1:30 in the morning. She bit into an electrical cord and shocked herself and burned the inside of her mouth. Poor puppy is in pain. So I did not get it done. BUT We did put up a new Challenge on myfitnesspal . It is exercise oriented. Micci is the challenger. So this week we add something new everyday. if you walk everyday than you add 5 minutes jogging. so on so forth. Plus staying under 225 carbs a day.
This week I am planning on using some of the recipes from What We Eat , a blog from my friend Jill. She used to do Weight Watchers like me and she is also working on losing weight and eating healthier. She is cooking healthy food for life for her and her two young boys. Eating habits are learned young.
L O U I S I A N A
We are finally in Louisiana. Becky has joined us now. She brought 30 miles this week on her bike! Great job Becky. She is my Best Friend and I think she will be the inspiration I need to get my butt out there on my own bike peddling away the pounds. So right now we are in the Bodcau State Wildlife Management Area. The area is long and narrow with an average width of one and one-half miles and consists of approximately 34,355 acres. WOW! I suggest we stick to the paths because there is hunting there and we do not want to the the hunter or the prey! It is 17 miles from Bossier City, LA.Well I am getting tired and it is time for dinner. SO I think it is time for a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life who have shown me that I am never alone. Thank you for Kristen, she is a blessing to our family. I am so happy that she confirmed today and she is now a member of the church. Thank you for the doctors at the all night clinic for being there to look at my poor dog Maddie. God please be with Jenny Hutson and her family as they get ready to bury her dad. May they find comfort in your arms and your words. God please be with those who struggle. Find comfort for the needy. Please help those who battle enemies unknown, drugs, alcohol, depression and other illnesses. In your name we pray. Amen
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Yes, I know its a Wednesday, but I can blog if I want to
I suck as a dieter. There I said it. It's not my dirty little secret anymore. I don't have to hang my head in shame, I don't have to look away. I just have to accept it for what it is. I suck as a dieter. I kind of feel better about it now. A little relieved. But I know now that I have brought it out into the light I have to acknowledge my dirty little secret. I can't just shove it back in the corner with a box of ice cream and expect it to be quiet and happy. Nope, now it is like a mutated gremlin. I have fed it after midnight, I have gotten it wet and it is out for blood.
I also suck as a blogger. I was gone for a week and I think the only one who noticed was my mom. I think the only ones who read this are my family and a few friends who feel bad for me or are truly encouraging me. SO to you all I say Thank You. I read an article from-blunderer-to-blogger-a-cautionary-tale It made me think about the fact as much as I want to lose weight maybe I am not passionate about losing weight. But lately I don't think I am passionate about anything. So that makes it hard to write about it. When I don't know what IT is. But I do know that I like money saving mom. So I think that since the kids are now in school! OMG yay!!! I might just have to take some of her tips.
But the point of this blog is my weight loss journey. WEIGHT LOSS!!! WEIGHT LOSS!!!
OK I said it. Those dirty words. There they are again. Dirty ninja words of horror. AHHH. So I am going to wipe my slate clean!
This is a clean slate!! I am starting over!!!
See I look at it this way all my promises from the past all my goals all of my all of mys have piled up and now it feels like goals and promises mean nothing. But I need them to. So I am starting fresh. Today is a new day. I am a new loser, a new blogger, a new twist on me.
So I have a goal its as simple as this. I have 3 days til I blog again. In those three days I am going to exercise 30 minutes each day. That's it, that's all, 30 minutes. It doesn't matter. Walk a dog, ride my bike, do a video. Whatever! Just do it.
A friend of mine started a blog and I think I will be referring to her blog often. What We Eat is a great blog set up by my friend Jill for food that is friendly for people like me who are trying to watch ourselves get back into a girlish figure. One of these days I will tell you all about Jill. She is one of those people that makes a difference in the world and never even knows it until 20 years later when shes sitting at her desk at work and a long lost friend sends her a message on Facebook.Jill is one of my Hero's.
Well I need my sleep. Fighting the gremlins in the night is a lot of hard work and if I plan on taking this blog to the masses I need my beauty sleep. So I think it is time for a prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for both of my children making it through the first day of school successfully. I am so proud of both of them. Thank you for watching over my sister, daughter and niece on the expressway. Sometimes things come out of right field and it takes quick thinking and an angel to protect us and watch over us. Please be with Jenny Hutson and her family as they struggle through the health issues her dad is facing. Please God comfort those who are in pain. Those whose hearts are broken, whose arms are empty and who are looking for answers. Please help those who fight demons only they can see. Please watch over us Lord, guide us and protect us. In your name we pray. Amen.
Cancun countdown on Sunday. I didn't forget.
I also suck as a blogger. I was gone for a week and I think the only one who noticed was my mom. I think the only ones who read this are my family and a few friends who feel bad for me or are truly encouraging me. SO to you all I say Thank You. I read an article from-blunderer-to-blogger-a-cautionary-tale It made me think about the fact as much as I want to lose weight maybe I am not passionate about losing weight. But lately I don't think I am passionate about anything. So that makes it hard to write about it. When I don't know what IT is. But I do know that I like money saving mom. So I think that since the kids are now in school! OMG yay!!! I might just have to take some of her tips.
But the point of this blog is my weight loss journey. WEIGHT LOSS!!! WEIGHT LOSS!!!
OK I said it. Those dirty words. There they are again. Dirty ninja words of horror. AHHH. So I am going to wipe my slate clean!
This is a clean slate!! I am starting over!!!
See I look at it this way all my promises from the past all my goals all of my all of mys have piled up and now it feels like goals and promises mean nothing. But I need them to. So I am starting fresh. Today is a new day. I am a new loser, a new blogger, a new twist on me.
So I have a goal its as simple as this. I have 3 days til I blog again. In those three days I am going to exercise 30 minutes each day. That's it, that's all, 30 minutes. It doesn't matter. Walk a dog, ride my bike, do a video. Whatever! Just do it.
A friend of mine started a blog and I think I will be referring to her blog often. What We Eat is a great blog set up by my friend Jill for food that is friendly for people like me who are trying to watch ourselves get back into a girlish figure. One of these days I will tell you all about Jill. She is one of those people that makes a difference in the world and never even knows it until 20 years later when shes sitting at her desk at work and a long lost friend sends her a message on Facebook.Jill is one of my Hero's.
Well I need my sleep. Fighting the gremlins in the night is a lot of hard work and if I plan on taking this blog to the masses I need my beauty sleep. So I think it is time for a prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for both of my children making it through the first day of school successfully. I am so proud of both of them. Thank you for watching over my sister, daughter and niece on the expressway. Sometimes things come out of right field and it takes quick thinking and an angel to protect us and watch over us. Please be with Jenny Hutson and her family as they struggle through the health issues her dad is facing. Please God comfort those who are in pain. Those whose hearts are broken, whose arms are empty and who are looking for answers. Please help those who fight demons only they can see. Please watch over us Lord, guide us and protect us. In your name we pray. Amen.
Cancun countdown on Sunday. I didn't forget.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!
This past week I put forth a different challenge everyday. We did water and a mile, fruit, veggies, measurements, stairs, do a little dance, tracking your food and exercise on http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and ended the week with water and a mile again. The winner (Becky) was the person who completed the most challenges. Becky did all of them. Her prize was a bottle of bright green nail polish!!!. This week Micci is in charge of the challenge. She has challenged us to burn 500 calories a day and not eat them back!! That's going to be a tough challenge. I love my food. The next week Dana is in charge of the challenge. I am interested to see what she will bring to the table. But I like the challenges. They keep us going and mix it up and some days that's what you need. I know that's what I need.
I took my measurements and it wasnt pretty. Not pretty at all. I was ashamed. My waist is wider than my hips and I have lost weight. So I decided that in two weeks I am going to take my measurements again. And in two weeks after that I am going to do it again. I am going to do it again and again and again. I want to know about the inches that come off. Every two weeks! I am going to dance I am going to bend I am going to get it off. Im tired of having a waist that is bigger than my hips. I am tired of being fat.
Lately I have been feeling really inadequate. I just feel like nothing I do is anywhere near good enough. I am not a good enough
I look at it and I feel like I have been going through this for ever. Like this sadness has been so intense for so long, my whole life, I have never known anything else. But the truth of the matter is its been a rough week. I've been down on myself. The summer wasnt what I thought it would be. And now it is drawing to a close. I measure it all by its seasons. The opportunities of my life. The happiness, the promise, the chances. The fire is dying and I am afraid that on a cold fall night the light will go out and it will stay out all winter and I will burrow in and I will be lost and I will stay lost longer this time than I was last time. I wanted to get more out of this summer. I wanted to be more. I wanted to ride a horse more than twice and I wanted that second time not to have the horse be so difficult that everything inside of me wanted to get off the stubborn ass mare and cry. They say you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Well I couldn't even get this mare to leave the hitching post. After a year I should be able to get a horse to walk. But she wasn't feeling it. The kids I work with kept telling me you have to make her move, you have to be aggressive. You have to be in control. But short of tying her to my van and pulling her I didn't know what to do. Finally one of the kids led her away from the post and down the trail and we started on our way. I have been there a year. This is the first time I have ever gone on trail alone. I got lost. Its the 6th time I have ridden a horse there. I'm not going to lie my pride was seriously bruised. I was angry too. If I hadn't been demoted I would have known those trails by heart. I would have had control over that horse. I would have been out dozens of times. I wouldn't have had that issue at all. But I was demoted. I asked my manager to take me out on trail next week. I will learn it.
That is Izzy She is the stubborn mare. This pic is from last winter.
Good news. I have an appointment with the neurologist. Bad news. I didnt put it in my planner so I dont know when it is so I have to call them tomorrow to check the date. Why I didnt write it down is beyond me!! But I have an appointment. So yay.
I go out walking after midnight, out in the moonlight......
Cancun, fun in the sun, white sand beaches, beauty, imagine us there. Well we are still in Arkansas but we are only 64 miles away from Louisiana. We are walking through The Poison Spring State Park as we speak. Here is a little historical information for ya! In the spring of 1864, three Civil War battles took place in south central Arkansas that were part of the Union Army's "Red River Campaign." Arkansas's three state historic parks that commemorate these battles--Poison Springs Battleground State Park, Marks' Mills Battleground State Park and Jenkins Ferry Battleground State Park--are part of the Red River Campaign National Historic Landmark.
Now a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for the people in my life who love me for who I am. Thank you for loving me, even when I am on my roller coaster. Please be with those who are battling their demons. Help them to deal with the issues they can not resolve. Please be with those who are grieving. Comfort them in their time of sorrow. Please guide us on our way. Without you are our light we are lost. In your name we pray. Amen.
I took my measurements and it wasnt pretty. Not pretty at all. I was ashamed. My waist is wider than my hips and I have lost weight. So I decided that in two weeks I am going to take my measurements again. And in two weeks after that I am going to do it again. I am going to do it again and again and again. I want to know about the inches that come off. Every two weeks! I am going to dance I am going to bend I am going to get it off. Im tired of having a waist that is bigger than my hips. I am tired of being fat.
Lately I have been feeling really inadequate. I just feel like nothing I do is anywhere near good enough. I am not a good enough
- mother
- wife
- housekeeper (which still kills me that I am cleaning the office and stuff at the barn!?)
- friend
- daughter
- christian
- employee (See housekeeper comments)
- gardener
- photographer
- etc...
I look at it and I feel like I have been going through this for ever. Like this sadness has been so intense for so long, my whole life, I have never known anything else. But the truth of the matter is its been a rough week. I've been down on myself. The summer wasnt what I thought it would be. And now it is drawing to a close. I measure it all by its seasons. The opportunities of my life. The happiness, the promise, the chances. The fire is dying and I am afraid that on a cold fall night the light will go out and it will stay out all winter and I will burrow in and I will be lost and I will stay lost longer this time than I was last time. I wanted to get more out of this summer. I wanted to be more. I wanted to ride a horse more than twice and I wanted that second time not to have the horse be so difficult that everything inside of me wanted to get off the stubborn ass mare and cry. They say you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Well I couldn't even get this mare to leave the hitching post. After a year I should be able to get a horse to walk. But she wasn't feeling it. The kids I work with kept telling me you have to make her move, you have to be aggressive. You have to be in control. But short of tying her to my van and pulling her I didn't know what to do. Finally one of the kids led her away from the post and down the trail and we started on our way. I have been there a year. This is the first time I have ever gone on trail alone. I got lost. Its the 6th time I have ridden a horse there. I'm not going to lie my pride was seriously bruised. I was angry too. If I hadn't been demoted I would have known those trails by heart. I would have had control over that horse. I would have been out dozens of times. I wouldn't have had that issue at all. But I was demoted. I asked my manager to take me out on trail next week. I will learn it.
That is Izzy She is the stubborn mare. This pic is from last winter.
Good news. I have an appointment with the neurologist. Bad news. I didnt put it in my planner so I dont know when it is so I have to call them tomorrow to check the date. Why I didnt write it down is beyond me!! But I have an appointment. So yay.
I go out walking after midnight, out in the moonlight......
Cancun, fun in the sun, white sand beaches, beauty, imagine us there. Well we are still in Arkansas but we are only 64 miles away from Louisiana. We are walking through The Poison Spring State Park as we speak. Here is a little historical information for ya! In the spring of 1864, three Civil War battles took place in south central Arkansas that were part of the Union Army's "Red River Campaign." Arkansas's three state historic parks that commemorate these battles--Poison Springs Battleground State Park, Marks' Mills Battleground State Park and Jenkins Ferry Battleground State Park--are part of the Red River Campaign National Historic Landmark.
Now a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank you for today! Thank you for the people in my life who love me for who I am. Thank you for loving me, even when I am on my roller coaster. Please be with those who are battling their demons. Help them to deal with the issues they can not resolve. Please be with those who are grieving. Comfort them in their time of sorrow. Please guide us on our way. Without you are our light we are lost. In your name we pray. Amen.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
3 people, 4 days, 30 plus miles.....
I wanted to say Thank you to everyone for reading my blog. I cant tell you how much I appreciate all of you!! I don't know if I would have been blogging for as long as I have if it wasn't for the support of my friends and family. Every time I hear someone tell me, "I hear ya", "Been there done that", "Your not alone", or they share a personal story about their journey I know that I am not in this alone. And when I hear people say, "I'm proud of you.", I knew you could do it!" Good Job!" I feel a sense of pride. I am overwhelmed with happiness and to be honest I tear up a little because I have such wonderful friends and I am so thankful for all of you. So I wanted to tell you all that I couldn't do this without you. Thank you!!
I spent this past week on vacation with the kids. We went away for 5 days. I had no cell reception, which was kind of hard. I felt kind of lost and relieved at the same time. There was wi-fi at a few of the rec buildings but not at my grandmas place, so we didn't get to play on the computer. We spent the days at the pool or the beach. We walked or rode our bikes. Well that is until Lexis bike got a flat and no amount of air could make it stay inflated. So we walked everywhere else. I spent hours each day in the pool, hanging on the wall at the deep end, kicking my feet and treading water. Sometimes when it was adult swim I would dive off the diving board. But other than that I spent most of the day soaking up the sun (I used an spf 50 sport sunscreen) and soaking in the water. The water in the pool and the lake was so soothing. It was refreshing on the hottest of days, and there were about 4 of those.
I felt like I was losing weight by the buckets, my clothes were getting looser. I felt better in my skin. I liked the reflection in the mirror. Dave told me when I got home I looked thinner. So did his friend. But I guess I was eating more than I realized. Because the scale went up. So maybe I lost some inches. I'm good with that. I just wish the scale had a better number for me.
Nothing in life is perfect. This vacation wasn't either. We had a lot of rough patches. There were a lot of times that reaching out and touching my children sounded like the only option. I'm tired of teen and pre-teen attitude. My mom tells me that it will only get worse and then in a few years it will get better. God I hope so. Because I think I may lose my mind! But I didn't let my anger or irritation with my kids become an excuse to eat. I instead tried to focus on the moments in front of me. The things I am thankful for. Things that make me happy. Like the time I went under the willow tree in the row boat with the kids. (The last time we went out there, it was to hot to go out this time).
I was thankful that I had a chance to walk the same path as a kid as the kids and I were taking to get to the beach. That was one of the things I tried to tell the kids about. How Micci, Dana and I would walk to the lake and swim all day long and then head back to the trailer all worn out from water and sun. We would fall asleep on the cots in the screened in porch while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. There was no air conditioning. We dealt with being sticky and hot. We didn't have 100 dish channels. we had an old TV with rabbit ears that might get 3 channels. We fished, we walked and on the weekends we went to the pavilion and we danced to the different bands. I was thin and happy and tanned. I ran and I played. And this past week I didn't feel 35. There were times I felt 12. I felt like I was young again. I felt the sun on my skin. I felt the breeze. I felt life being lived. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be a part of all this back here. But I knew I had to and I was Thankful for the fact I had a chance to have that. I am thankful for the fact I had those memories.
The bad part of all this is that since I didn't have cell phone service and computer service I didn't get mileage this week. I am still collecting it all. So I am not posting this weeks Cancun mileage. I will be posting it next week. I just don't have enough info from everyone to make it fair. So next week it will be two weeks worth of miles.
I had a great night last night at Summer Bash. I think I ate to much and I know I drank to much. But truth be told I don't party like that often. God knows I don't drink like that ever. That's probably why this blog has taken a total of 5 hours to write. I'm tired. But I am so happy I went. Thank you Micci and Timmy for inviting me. Thanks to everyone for such a great time.
I would like to take a moment to say a little prayer.
I spent this past week on vacation with the kids. We went away for 5 days. I had no cell reception, which was kind of hard. I felt kind of lost and relieved at the same time. There was wi-fi at a few of the rec buildings but not at my grandmas place, so we didn't get to play on the computer. We spent the days at the pool or the beach. We walked or rode our bikes. Well that is until Lexis bike got a flat and no amount of air could make it stay inflated. So we walked everywhere else. I spent hours each day in the pool, hanging on the wall at the deep end, kicking my feet and treading water. Sometimes when it was adult swim I would dive off the diving board. But other than that I spent most of the day soaking up the sun (I used an spf 50 sport sunscreen) and soaking in the water. The water in the pool and the lake was so soothing. It was refreshing on the hottest of days, and there were about 4 of those.
I felt like I was losing weight by the buckets, my clothes were getting looser. I felt better in my skin. I liked the reflection in the mirror. Dave told me when I got home I looked thinner. So did his friend. But I guess I was eating more than I realized. Because the scale went up. So maybe I lost some inches. I'm good with that. I just wish the scale had a better number for me.
Nothing in life is perfect. This vacation wasn't either. We had a lot of rough patches. There were a lot of times that reaching out and touching my children sounded like the only option. I'm tired of teen and pre-teen attitude. My mom tells me that it will only get worse and then in a few years it will get better. God I hope so. Because I think I may lose my mind! But I didn't let my anger or irritation with my kids become an excuse to eat. I instead tried to focus on the moments in front of me. The things I am thankful for. Things that make me happy. Like the time I went under the willow tree in the row boat with the kids. (The last time we went out there, it was to hot to go out this time).
I was thankful that I had a chance to walk the same path as a kid as the kids and I were taking to get to the beach. That was one of the things I tried to tell the kids about. How Micci, Dana and I would walk to the lake and swim all day long and then head back to the trailer all worn out from water and sun. We would fall asleep on the cots in the screened in porch while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. There was no air conditioning. We dealt with being sticky and hot. We didn't have 100 dish channels. we had an old TV with rabbit ears that might get 3 channels. We fished, we walked and on the weekends we went to the pavilion and we danced to the different bands. I was thin and happy and tanned. I ran and I played. And this past week I didn't feel 35. There were times I felt 12. I felt like I was young again. I felt the sun on my skin. I felt the breeze. I felt life being lived. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be a part of all this back here. But I knew I had to and I was Thankful for the fact I had a chance to have that. I am thankful for the fact I had those memories.
The bad part of all this is that since I didn't have cell phone service and computer service I didn't get mileage this week. I am still collecting it all. So I am not posting this weeks Cancun mileage. I will be posting it next week. I just don't have enough info from everyone to make it fair. So next week it will be two weeks worth of miles.
I had a great night last night at Summer Bash. I think I ate to much and I know I drank to much. But truth be told I don't party like that often. God knows I don't drink like that ever. That's probably why this blog has taken a total of 5 hours to write. I'm tired. But I am so happy I went. Thank you Micci and Timmy for inviting me. Thanks to everyone for such a great time.
I would like to take a moment to say a little prayer.
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