Traditions

My back hurts. It hurts like I was in a car accident. It is so tight I can barely walk, I am uncomfortable no matter what I do. I am waiting on the doctor to call in a script so I can refill my muscle relaxer. It hurts so bad I left work early yesterday, I didn't work today and I probably wont work tomorrow. My back is killing me. I need you to understand the physical pain I am in. It is nothing compared to the emotional turmoil inside. I didn't even realize it til Beckett said something. She knows I am upset about my Grandma Kelly. Beckett made the connection I overlooked. Depression hurts.

The moment she said it tears sprang to my eyes and my heart stopped beating and I couldn't breath. Depression freaking hurts. Now I can't stop thinking about it. I can't let go. I have to do something or I am going to curl up and and hide and try desperately to not exist. God, just writing this is causing my throat to close up. I can barely see through my tears. But I know, I know, inside that this is where I need to be. I need to tell someone and I decided to tell you.

Long before I remember we celebrated Christmas Eve at my Grandma Kelly's. We had dinner at her house and opened stockings and then went to church. After church we returned and opened gifts and sang happy birthday to the newborn King of Kings. The evening would end with my dad driving us around to look at lights. We would get in our Christmas pajamas, have hot cocoa and listen as my dad read The Night Before Christmas.

We did this every year. It is a tradition. Traditions are very important to my Grandma Kelly. And I didn't realize until recently how very important they are to me. I spent years being a spoiled brat. I didn't appreciate all she did for me, for us all. I didn't see how hard she worked or how much she gave. I saw price tags and irritation. I would snicker and moan and groan. I would make smart ass comments like, "Well so and so opened a pair of gloves so I know I got that too." I was so inconsiderate. I never thought of her feelings. I know, I really do, that some of that has to do with the age I was at. But I am having a hard time accepting that. I was an ass.

This Christmas Eve was so like Christmas Eve's past, yet so very very different. We looked for the pickle hidden in the tree, we ate to much and laughed a lot. We cried a lot too. It was a bittersweet Christmas, because we know it is the last. (Give me a moment, I feel like I am suffocating here.) There will never be another Christmas with my Grandma Kelly. The cancer is taking that away from us. The cancer, I hate that. I hate it. As I am typing this I am so freaking angry I can't stand it. I want to hit something I want to scream. I want to hurt something because I am hurting so much inside. I hate you Cancer I hate YOU! And I will be honest I hate God a little right now too. What right do they have to take my traditions? What right do they have to kill her a little every day and there is NOTHING any of us can do about that. I am angry. I am pissed.

She told us to take her stockings home with us. She knows. But we couldn't. How can I take that home? She gave us all a plate of cookies. The cookies were on antique plates that she has had forever. They were the last set and she didn't know how to divide them up. She knew we wouldn't take them so she gave us no choice. She cried when she watched us open our presents. She silently sat there with tears falling down her cheeks. My aunt hugged her and asked her if they were tears of happiness and she said they were. At least they weren't tears of pain. I hugged her close to me and I felt how frail she has become. I didn't want to hug to tight I was afraid I would break her. I hugged her as often as I could. I cried on my way home Christmas night. It was all over. The two days were done and Christmas 2012 was beginning to become a memory.  To say I cried is an understatement. I bawled. I sobbed. I broke.

Next year we will all get together for Christmas Eve. We will honor her memory. We will laugh and we will cry and we will open stockings and eat cheese cake and sing Happy Birthday to the new born King of Kings. But a seat will be empty. I know by then my anger will subside. I will miss her and I will remember her. I will laugh at stories of Christmas Eve past. I will look for the pickle and I will probably cry on my way home. But I will know she is with us. She will be in everything we do. She will laugh with us and cry with us. I know she will be sitting next to us at church, something she hasn't been able to do for a long while. She will be in every tradition so has worked so hard to make. My Grandma says if you do it once it is a tradition.

I need to say a prayer now, though honestly I don't want to.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for one more. For one more Christmas, one more tradition and one more day to tell her we love her. Thank You for all the little things I am having trouble seeing right now because my grief is so heavy. Thank You for loving me even when I am angry at You. Thank You for forgiving me and holding me up when I feel so very weak and depressed. I know that without You I can not make it through all of this. Thank You for making me Your child. Please, please be with my Grandma Kelly as she walks this path. Hold her up when she can not walk and give her comfort when she hurts. I do love You so. Please forgive me. Amen

The Meaning

I had the flu last week. All week long I felt like there was something just beyond my mental reach that I was supposed to be doing or thinking. But I couldn't figure out what it was. I finally started to feel better on Thursday and I remembered what it was that I needed to do. I needed to finish my Christmas shopping. Friday morning I started to feel overwhelmed. Here it is, Christmas is 11 days away and I was not ready. I needed a billion more dollars to get every one everything that I wanted to get them. I needed time to make cookies and ornaments and clean the house and wrap presents... To say the least I was ready to scream. The work day didn't get off to a good start. I was figuring that the day was going to go to hell in a hand bag.

And it did. We were half way through our first house when the woman who was house sitting came out and told us there was a shooting at a school in Connecticut. She didn't know the details, but that there were at least 14 people killed, most of them children. The three of us who were working are moms. We stopped for a minute. All of our hearts dropped. Our stomachs clenched in knots. Collectively our minds raced to our kids. All three of us have kids in high school  and we all have kids in the same grade and school. I wanted to run to the schools. I wanted to grab my kids and hug them and love them. I wanted to protect them from a world that is evil. But I know I can't. I can hug them and love them but I can't protect them. I can't make evil go away. All I can do is raise them to be compassionate, patient, wise, God-fearing Christians. I can teach them that violence isn't the answer. That when you are angry the answer isn't going to be found in a knife or a car or a gun. It can be found in other ways.

We continued our jobs, getting up dates as we went. I thought of the poor kids who saw their best friends and their beloved teachers die. I thought of the children who wouldn't be coming home from school that afternoon. The parents who had to wait to see if it was their child lying dead inside that school and the parents whose hearts broke when they were told their child was brutally and senselessly killed by someone who wasn't much older than a kid himself. My Christmas worries seemed so very small. The calendar I traditionally made for my mother would have to wait. The gift cards I needed to order and the trinkets I needed to carefully wrap were nothing. I would wake up Christmas day and my kids will be waiting on me to open presents. My husband will say you shouldn't have at least a half dozen times and we will scamper to get ready to head to my in-laws house. It is the first time we will be seeing them on Christmas in 5 years. I am glad that the strain that was keeping us apart is slowly falling away.

I am reminded that Christmas isn't about the gifts that are under the tree or the how much money was spent on each person. It is about the time I get to spend with my family. More than likely this will be my last Christmas with my Grandma Kelly. Christmas Eve at her house has been a tradition since I was very small. I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I want to watch the lights glow and hear my nieces read the Christmas story from the bible. There is something about hearing the word of Jesus birth told by children. I want to remember this Christmas as one of Joy and Love and Happiness. Not one of grief and sadness.

I am going to go now. There are cookies to bake and candles to light and Christmas music to be played and sung along to. So here I offer a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for making me Your child and loving me as I am, a poor sinner. Thank You for one more day, one more day with my kids and my husband, with my parents and my grandparents. Thank You for protecting me and mine. Thank You for loving the small children and being with them as they took their final breaths. Thank You for comforting them so they knew their final moments were not alone. Please be with the families who grieve this Christmas. Not just the ones in Connecticut and Washington, but to all of us. For the families of my Uncle Jim and with my friend Sandee and her brother and dad. Please remind them of the good times so they can make it through the bad. God I know I ask so much of You, but there is no one else to turn to. Please be with us in the days and weeks and months to come. In Your name we pray. Amen

Tomorrow Tomorrow I love ya Tomorrow

Some days this blog isn't easy to do. Today is one of those days. I have things to talk about but I don't see how they are relevant to my situation. I have things that I have said in the past that I am trying to do again now. But I get tired of being repetitive. Every time I think I am on to something new I talk to Dave and he reminds me that we had this same conversation x-amount of time ago. Like Hollywood all the good ideas seem to be dead. I am on repeat, I fear. I could tell you about dreams I have had but they have no real pattern, meaning or plot. It would just be to fill the space and make me feel like I have done something with this blog and not forgotten it again. But I don't think I will do that either.

I think I will talk about Tomorrow. See I have been working this in my head for the past two or three days. I plan to put it into action on Monday so I don't really have any excuses as to why it is not done. My plan is this. Tomorrow (Monday) when I wake up before I do anything, I need to pray. I might have to pray while in the bathroom. Sometimes that can't be helped. But I figure God likes it when I pray, no matter where I am sitting. But tomorrow I need to pray. I need to be clear, not this wishy washy, well ya know God it would be great if, or I would like it to be. No I need some down and dirty, God, I need help I am addicted to food and I am struggling here. Please help me to resist the temptations that I will no doubt come across today. That kind of prayer.

Second, after the bathroom and while the coffee is waking me up I plan on putting up some sticky signs. One of them being, Take your meds! Where is your wallet? Do you have your purse, don't forget your keys. Make sure your phone is charged and in your pocket. I am going to have signs on the fridge and cabinet that ask me if I really want that.

I know I should be happy and blah blah blah for the Holidays. But I don't need to look like Santa while I do it. Tonight I had Kenny's Ribs. It was a last minute thing and I can't even tell you how happy I was to be eating them. I told myself as the sauce collected at the corners of my lips that I will not eat like this again any time soon. As I licked my fingers I enjoyed the tangyness that screamed over indulgence and I knew that this was my last meal. That slab of charred flesh and bones would be the meal I remember as the last. I am not going to go Vegan and I a not going to drop sugar and white flour off the menu all together. I am just not going to do it to excess. If I have ribs it wont be a full slab. If I have bread it wont be a full loaf. I will make it, I will do this, I will survive.

Well it is time to go digest my ribs so I leave you with these parting words.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for loving me and making me Your child. Thank You for the love and support of my family and friends. I know without them my fight would be never ending and lonely. I love You so very much God. I am so honored that You are my father. Please help me to be a good parent. I am not much for patience, but I know I need to learn to have some. Please help me as I fight this battle with my weight. Help me to know when enough is enough. Please be the whisper in my ear when I am feeling weak. Be the hand on my elbow when I need a push along. Please help me to remember that I am a good person and I need to love myself too. God, please be with my Grandma Kelly. She is so brutally honest about her battle with cancer and she knows her time here is short. Please be with my Uncle Marlin who is in the hospital fighting his own battle. Please be with those who are fighting demons we can not see or hear. Help them to know that they are Your children. In Your name we pray. Amen

Holiday Hold Out

 It's time for the Holiday Hold-Out! The average American gains between 8-12 pounds during the 6 weeks around Thanksgiving and New Years! This year, don't be one of those people!

This is the most recent challenge from the gym. I think it is a fantastic idea and anyone interested in doing it let me know. I would love to see how we all do. Right now if I weighed in I would not be in good shape. In the last four days I have had at least one meal at a restaurant. I was really good at my aunts for Thanksgiving, but that is because I was still pretty full from the breakfast I had at Denny's. I was out shopping and hitting the sales and we got hungry. Yesterday I ate over 3,000 calories. How gross is that? 

Depression has been making its way back into my life. I was so low last night that I just wanted to lay in bed and  be sad. I did for a while, but I got up and made myself go to the gym. I didn't want to go, but I knew it was for the best. I didn't work out hard, I just hit the treadmill. But I was there and that is all that matters. 

When I told Dave I was going to the gym he made the comment that I hadn't been there in a while. I said I know but that is going to change. I need to remember how good I felt when I was going there on a daily basis. I need to remember how good my muscles felt when I pushed them hard. I need to change my mind set and kick this depression pig. I know it is possible. I can't let depression bring me down again this year. 

I am thinking I need to get some vitamins, especially vitamin d. I just need to find one that doesn't upset my stomach. So if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

Well I think I am going to go enjoy the day. So it is time for a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the love of my family and friends. Thank You for one more Thanksgiving. Thank You for loving me, for holding me up and guiding me. I would be lost without You. God please help me in the months to come. Please help me to not let the depression pull me down. Help me to win the battle against my demons. God please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they deal with their continual health issues. And please be with my Aunt Di who is care giver to both of them. In Your name we pray. Amen   

S.A.D.

I'm going to school everyone real quick before I go on.

This is S.A.D:  Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

I have known for years that I suffer from this. Every year I try harder and harder to not let it get to me, but every year I find myself barreling down the depression roller coaster, not knowing when I will coming back up. I never know until I am past the point where I can see over the horizon. I would like to say that this year is going to be different, but I just don't know.

Two years ago I started this blog. I was full of hope and promise. I wanted this to be a success story. To have pictures of me as I lose the weight and feel amazing. But here it is and I am still the same weight. I have lost and gained more pounds than I can count. But two years later here I am, defending my excuses and making more of them. Everything inside of me wants to quit. I want to just be done with this. This blog, this weight, this crappy ass attempt to keep going. But I know if I do that the roller coaster will continue to drop and I wont be able to find a way out.

So I wonder what the problem is. Do I not want it enough? Do I not deserve it? I don't mind hard work, I actually like the way I feel when my muscles are stretched and my heart is racing. I like the sweat on my brow and the sweat mark on my belly and my back, I don't get those very often, but when I do its like a gold medal. I feel like I have won. I like working for Beckett, I use my body and I make money. (We do new construction and residential cleaning, dirty minds!) But when I get home I can't seem to get it together. I can't seem to say NO to food.

For almost two weeks I have tried to not eat after nine. I "close" the kitchen and tell myself NO MORE FOOD TONIGHT. Some nights I am a champ, I talk myself out of food and I make myself feel like a Queen in the process. Other nights, like last night, I completely block the voice out. I don't even think I allowed myself to hear it. I ate the left over omelet from breakfast with my mom. It was 2:45 a.m. I felt guilty the whole time I ate it, but I ate every last over syruped bite.

I know I can't beat myself up over it. I just have to put on my big girl panties and keep truckin.

Quote I saw yesterday and wanted to share.

Beach season is in (about) 9 months. It takes 9 months for a person to be born. It's never to late.

With that being said I am going to go and eat my apple instead of the 20 tons of cookies, candies and cakes I want. So I will say a little prayer and be on my way. I have no intentions of quiting today.

Dear God, Thank You for today.Thank You for the people in my life who help me to become the person I want to be. Thank You for not giving up on me, even when I have. Thank You for loving me and making me your child. Please, God, help me as I struggle against my addictions. Help me to feed my body not my depression. Help me to fight the voices inside that tell me it and I do not matter. God, please help me to find my way. I pray to You to help me be strong. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and Uncle Marlin as they continue with their health issues. And please be with my Aunt Di as she takes care of them. Please give her peace. In Your name we pray. Amen

 

Did I Say To Much?

I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast for Dave's birthday. Everyone was allowed to have two. I had 1 and I had a half one I was picking at in the pan. I went back to pick at it and it was gone. I asked Austin and he said no and I asked Lex and she said no, but I knew from the second I asked that she was lying. I asked again and she said no again. I looked at her with my all knowing eyes and she said yes. She was hungry, she said. Now I have been on her lately about how much she is eating. She doesn't need to eat more than Dave or I do. But she eats just as much if not more. I have tried to be gentle, I have tried to be supportive, I have tried to use logic and kindness and bribery, you name it but it feels like I am talking to a wall. So today I used truth. I don't know if I went over the line but if I don't say anything than it is the same as saying it is OK.

Today I showed her this pic. I told her what the fat does to her body. I told her about diabetes, I told her about lung disease and heart disease. I told her what fat is doing to her. She doesn't like me right now, but it seems like the one thing to say to her lately that motivates her is to tell her she is just like me. That seems to disgust her. So to say she is like me motivates her. She tells me all the time she is nothing like me. But if you put he next to me you will see the similarities from out heads to our toes.

I know I am fat. I have been working on it. I have acknowledged it and I will NOT accept it anymore. I have not allowed myself to eat after 9 for 3 days now. I have had water and I have cut back on the carbs. I will make it through this. I will make sure she will make it too. I will not let her fall between the cracks. I know she doesn't always like me. But I am OK with that. She will hear some hard truths from me, but I will also try not to say things to hurt her. It is hard to be a parent when all you want to do is give them everything they want and make everything OK and make everyone happy. But I know as a parent I will not be her friend. I will make her mad, I will hurt her feelings and I will have top put my foot down. I just have to make sure to not be a hypocrite.

Time for a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the love of my family and friends. Thank You for a strong heart and a conscience to help me to make the right choices. Thank You for loving me, even when I feel I don't deserve it. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they struggle with their health issues. In Your name we pray. Amen

Say what?

Compliments are not something I take well. So I always feel a little shy ad a little guilty when I get them. Not that you can tell with me. For some reason when I get a compliment I feel the need to thank and then explain things. Why can't I just say "Thank You" and go with that?

This morning at church I had a few people tell me how great I have been looking. In my head I did a double check. Where they talking to me? Good work? Where? They can't possibly be talking to me. But they are. Part of the problem is that I can't see what they see. I see who I was a week or a month or a year ago. I see numbers on a scale that don't make me happy. I see bad skin and frizzy hair and bags under my eyes. But I guess other people see something more. They see something I wish I could see in me.

I know I will eventually see a change. But I don't think it is the physical me that needs to change. I think the spiritual me and the insecure me and the lost me all need to change. I think I need to get back to basics. But it is SO hard.

I had a conversation in the bathroom with Dave this morning. I was showering and he was just talking to me. (Personally, I like these conversations sometimes because then I don't have to look him in the eyes. That or if it is flipped and hes in the shower I can just walk away.) I told him that I don't really like food. I just like to eat when I am bored and that I don't even like the crap I eat. I told him I can't even stop myself when the little voice in my head says STOP! He told me that I needed to change the voice inside my head. Instead of saying stop make it say something productive. Like instead of food, clean so I can have an area where I can do my crafts. I am thinking about doing cross stitch again. Can't have dirty fingers when doing that. Plus they make nice presents.

No matter what it is I choose to do with my idle hands I know that it will be hard. I know that I really have got to want this and I am going to. I just need to remind myself that I am worth it.

Well it is time for a prayer and then I am out.

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank You for one more Halloween party with my Grandma Kelly. Thank You for my family. For the traditions. Thank You for loving me. God, please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they struggle with their health and please be with my Aunt Di. I know she needs your strength and guidance for the rough times ahead. In Your name we pray. Amen

Red Dress p.3

I am going to say it from the beginning. I did not want to do this this week or last for that matter. But I have to confess. I did horribly. I had a migraine for three days and I ate like crap and I actually gained 5 pounds. I was so sad I sat there and cried. Everything inside me wanted to eat all the bad foods I could get my hands on. But I refrained.

I did realize something. If I actually ate right I would be losing weight like hot cakes. I saw how much I was eating, close to three thousand calories a day. When I was working out everyday I was staying about the same weight. When I stopped working out I gained. If I worked out and ate like I was eating for one and not 10, I might be a lot closer to my goal than to this.

I am the one in purple. It was one of my favorite shirts EVER! This is what I looked like when I met my husband.

 

That's me on the left. There is a BIG difference there. I want to be her again. I want to be the happy rosy cheeked thin girl. 

That pic is the one that started my thinking. That is what got me reflecting. That is what got me motivated and tomorrow that is the pic that is going to be sticking in my head as I push myself past my comfort zone.

Next month I will come back with results, just you wait and see.

Sorry this isn't longer but it has been a long day and I am tired.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life. Please be with my Great Auntie and her family as they grieve the loss of my Great Uncle Jim. In your name we pray. Amen

STOP!!

This is an intervention! The voices who control my body are having an intervention for me. I want to hear what they all say. So you can listen with me.

Dear Tina, When people say you have a big heart it should only apply to how much you care for others. Not how big your actual heart is. Your weight is going to cause me to become enlarged which means I will not function properly.That is why you get out of breath and tired. The layer of fat around me can lead to hardening arteries. I love you with all our heart. I want you to live a long happy life. But you are breaking our heart. Everyone depends on us to function. Without you we lost. I am asking you today to put me first. I am asking you to hear me every time you want to eat. I am asking you to love yourself and make better choices.

Love Truly,
Your Heart

Dear Tina, You are breath taking. But no longer in the good way. You are crushing us. Strangling us. Fat is lining us literally squeezing the life out of us. We can't get enough oxygen. There is so much stuffed in here we can't fill up. We remember what it was like when you were truly breath taking. The fresh air that would fill us with life. How hard we worked to keep you biking or roller balding or just having fun. We miss those days. We are glad you quit smoking but we desperately want to get back to a time where we weren't fighting just to fill us up. Love us like you did when you were a breath taker.

With Love,
Your lungs

Dear Tina, it is getting harder to carry you around. I know that you blame a good portion of our issues on the car accident but the truth is a good portion of our problem is your weight. You are wearing us down. We weren't meant to carry this much. You will need to replaces us soon. Doctors wont operate on us because you are so over weight there are complications. We will hurt you and wear you down. We will scream in agony and prevent you from doing things you love. We want to be there for you, we want to run 5K's with you can take long bike rides with you, but if you don't take better care of us then we will be replaced and I don't know if you will do any better with them than you did with us. Please help us to carry the load.

Painfully Yours,
Your knees, hips and ankles

Dear Tina, You are poisoning us. The fat that is wrapped around our organs is releasing toxins that are poisoning us. Our risk of colon cancer increases 50% because we are so fat. It's not just colon cancer either. If we still had our girly friends you would be putting them at risk of cancer too. You already did. You are causing us to secrete hormones that can mess with your endocrine system causing hormonal imbalances. We have to much cortisol (stress hormone) and not enough endorphins (feel good hormone). Your fat is causing our friend liver to have scar tissue that can lead to cirrhosis. We love you. We want to make sure that you are functioning at peak performance. We like the natural flow of life. Please help us to keep you clean inside.

Liver Ya,
Your organs

Dear Tina, I am the last to go because I have more control than you know. I make bad choices for us. I say oh it's ok, just this once. One bite wont hurt and we will work it out at the gym. But the truth of the matter is I am saddened by what we have become. I am tired of how much we eat. I am tired of the fact I tell you we shouldn't eat it but in the end we do. Why? Because you override me when ever you can. The feel good moments can come from other places Tina, It doesn't have to be a greasy bag of chips or a nasty rib sandwich that we thought we wanted. You know if we talked more we could probably find foods that taste very good and I wouldn't get on you about how bad they are for you. Wouldn't you like that? Did you know that the fatter we get the more I think about death? Did you know that? You know we can get that feel good endorphin stuff from running or jogging. You liked running in the woods, why aren't you doing it anymore? I think we need to plan better. Work outs shouldn't be to burn all the food you ate today. Work outs should be to get you healthier. You would not believe how good we all feel when you exercise. Please make this a mind over matter thing and love us all. If you are hear for us we will be here for you.

Thinking of you,
Your Brain

Breakfast of Champs

I was leaning up against the counter, peanut butter jar in one hand an a Hershey's bar in the other. I was running low on time and to be honest there wasn't anything that sounded better than a Hershey's bar dipped in peanut butter. So, I broke the bar into little pieces and dipped them in my peanut butter. It was like heaven swimming around my mouth. The mix of that creamy peanut butter and the frozen Hershey's bar was a food-gasm. Dave stared at me for a moment and then we continued our conversation. I told myself I got my chocolate fix, for that headache that had been forming, and peanut butter was filled with protein. And to be honest, I wasn't hungry again for about 7 hours after that. So peanut butter and chocolate for the win! Right? No, not really.

I noticed a pattern, after I ate my breakfast of champions, that this is as close to the definition of insanity as I can get. I do things over and over and over again expecting different results. But always getting the same ones. I can't eat like I'm the last one at the buffet and they close in 30 minutes. I don't know what I expect to find when I get on the scale. I didn't do anything different so why would my weight go down? Yet every time I get on the scale I get irritated by the numbers not going down.  HHmm. Ponder and wonder.

I decided to remind myself on a daily basis about my red dress project. So I had Lexi write the word dress on the inside of both of my wrists in red ink. I am going to see if that serves as a reminder to think about what I eat. Becky and I decided it was also time to get back to the basics of exercise. To what it was we were doing when we were happiest. So tonight I hit the treadmill for 60 minutes and then it is time to hit the weights. Back to the old routine. Back to strength training that actually meant something. Back to achy muscles and stiff bodies and sore joints. Back to the smile that comes from a good work out and a body that is starting to feel the effects. I'm so excited I could scream and I just might.

I'm not going to lie, since I told y'all about the peanut butter and Hershey's thing I am really thinking about it. Um Yum Yum Yum. That is part of my problem. When something gets in my head I can fight all I want but it always seems to end  with me having the thing I didn't want to have in the first place. I would say sleep is one of the few things that distracts me, but it isn't. I ate a bowl of tortilla chips at 3 this morning. Lexi caught me and instead of putting them away I just said yep, I'm doing it, oh well. That is a mind frame I have to get myself out of. But damn is it hard.

I'll be honest about something else. I am exhausted. I was eating chips at 3 a.m. because I couldn't sleep for the life or me. My hips were killing me and my legs were radiating pain and I was irritable and tired. But I couldn't sleep. Not that chips help. But they were there and I was bored and I ate most of them before the guilt kicked in.

One more moment of honesty. I need a nap. So I am going to cut this short. I feel like I am jipping you of something. Maybe it is my wit or charming personality. Maybe it is my in depth look at drama queens and the drama they bring with them or maybe it is just the fact that I know how to laugh and pray and hope and dream and share all of it with you. Who knows. All I know is that if this doesn't make sense I'm sorry. I'm so tired I'm falling asleep at the keyboard.

So we pray.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the blessings of a family that loves each others so much. Thank You for traditions. I can't even tell You how much I missed Friday Night Taco Night with the family. Thank You for letting me spend time with these wonderful people. Thank You for children who are so interested in history and who want to know as much about their family and the worlds they lived in. I know that their questions brought a lot of happiness today. Thank You for loving me and blessing me. In Your name we pray. Amen

Confessions of a Bi Polar Drama Queen

Hi, My name is Tina and I am a recovering drama queen. It has been at least a few hours since I heard juicy gossip. It has been almost 24 hours since I said a word about someone else and it has been a while since I intentionally started drama. I look at "drama queening" like over eating. You cant live with out food, well I cant live without a little bit of drama.

I have been dramatic since I was a little girl my grandma used to call me Sarah Bernhardt I had a flair for the dramatic a country mile wide. One Christmas when I was little I sang at the top of my lungs at the Christmas pageant so that my great gram down the street could hear me. I never stopped singing loudly. I just added hand movements and such with it. When I was in elementary school I wrote "Amy has big boobs" on the door of the bathroom stall. I was caught, obviously, because I wrote it in the girls bathroom during girl scouts and I made no attempt to change my handwriting. In my defense Amy did have big boobs. But I was jealous of them and I wanted to make them pay damn it. Well her boobs weren't the ones scrubbing the bathroom stalls after this came down. The moral of the story should be not to say anything mean or hurtful or whatever about others. I learned to go to the men's room and write with my left hand.

High School was when the full Drama Queen came out. I don't know if it was breathing the air in that building but something inside of me cried out for drama and I fed that something.I gave that bitch some drama-chip cookies and an attitude-shake. Oh it was insane to say the least. I was naive as a freshman. I had lived in Mayberry all my life so High School was culture shock for me. It was like throwing a country mouse in a city sewer and seeing if it could survive. I knew nothing about anything. So when I asked the guy I was seeing, Scott, to go to Turn About I was preparing for a dance the equivalent of prom. I was talking about ties and cumber buns and blah blah blah. He shook his head at me and when he finally broke up with me  (FINALLY) I did my best to be the Drama Queen I knew I had in me. I stalked him. Oh yes I did. I would leave him dumb ass notes in his locker, walk up different stairs to see him, talk to my friend about my "boyfriend" in front of him and call him house and hang up. Yep I was that girl! This is about the time we found out I was Bi-Polar. I know it explains a lot now, but back then it was just plain old creepy. So to Scott, I am sorry. I wasn't in my right mind at all. Wasn't in my left one either.

Scott was not the last one to deal with freaky Tina. Oh no. I think that every boyfriend dealt with her to an extent. All but one. When he moved "suddenly" I don't remember ever being happier. Different story there. Drama doesn't end with guys, ha, drama likes to make her way into everything. Work, school, friends, baby daddy's. Now there was drama. I confess that I LIVED off the drama that came with Lexi's dad. He was like the cherry on a big fat Drama cake and I came with a fork and spoon. I don't know how many times we broke up, but I knew I couldn't live without him. At least not then. I confess that his drama made me feel better about myself and I think that is what drama is all about.

I will not say that I have been drama free since I met my husband. That would be a laughing lie. But I will say this. He has helped me to purge some of the drama. Him and my psychiatrist, my psychologist and Becky. They are my D.Q.A. (Drama Queens Anonymous.) But I just outed them so there goes the anonymous. I have seen my big fish get smaller and smaller. My country mile wide is getting a little more narrow. The country mouse is now just a mouse. I don't know if it is that I am tired of it or if it is I see people who are like me and they irritate the piss out of me. My talky doc said maybe its because I see in them the things that irritate me the most about me. Whatever it is I want to bitch slap some people and tell them "There is only room for one Queen in this room and I am holding the tiara." But shock treatment has made me more than happy to say, "Here is the tiara, enjoy!"

Now I live on the Outskirts of Dramaville. I am still a member of society but my drama is much smaller. Things like my dog passed away. I need to get the van fixed so I have heat in the winter. My kids are the Antichrist. And laughing behind someones back because they are way way to dramatic to be real.

Whatever the case might be I feel better on this side of the drama city limits.


Well time for a little prayer.
Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and making me your child. Thank You for the friends in my life, those who have kept it interesting and those who have helped to ground me. They are to numerous to list. Thank You for the family that dealt with me for all these years and saw through all the drama to the Tina who was waiting underneath. God please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they continue on their journeys. Please be with my dear friend Sandee as she recovers from the shock of losing her brother. Please be with his wife Kathy. She may have been one of the people I had high drama with but she was a good person and she is suffering greatly right now. Please help to comfort them all. In your name I pray. Amen

His name was Bruce

He was old when we met him. He was skin and bones, weak and blind and he had a big smile on his face. Dave had to help him out of the truck, he was afraid of just those few steps. They were so far down and he was so fragile. He wasn't suppose to stay here for more than a day or two while we looked for a forever home for him. But he stayed much longer10 months to be exact. I called him my old man from the start. He didn't have tags, just an old worn out collar. I looked for his owner for over a week, while trying to find someone who wanted a half blind half deaf old shaggy golden retriever. No one had a place for him. Especially not in December and not in as bad a shape as he was.

I fattened him up. He got more food then the other three dogs combined. He took over my chair and lived in it the whole time he was here. In the spring he had put on weight and he was running as fast as his old achy hips would allow it. But the summer was hot and it wore him down. Lately he hadn't made it out the door before he would go to the bathroom and after the shame of it showed on his face. We didn't yell at him, we would just tell him it was OK, we knew he didn't mean it. Yesterday his hips gave out on him. He couldn't get up unassisted. His smile wasn't there. He was a sad dog who was in a lot of pain. Today he fell asleep under the tree in the yard and he didn't wake up.

I knew it was coming but that didn't make it any easier. The kids were devastated. I felt for my poor husband. Not only did he find him but he buried him and made a cross as a marker. He didn't want to leave my old man unprotected while he was gone for the day. When the kids and I got home we had a small service and sang Amazing Grace. Now we all go to our own corners and grieve. My grief is here, writing this. Rest in peace Bruce, we are sure going to miss you!!


Well the 11th passed and I stuck to my plan. The Red Dress Project is under way.Here are my stats. I cant tell you what they were before but I know as of Friday they are this

Weight 248
Chest 48 5/8
Waist 43 1/4
Hips 48 3/4
Thigh 27 1/8
Arm 12 9/16

I have been going regularly to physical therapy for my hip. I have noticed that I have more movement in the hip but there are times I leave there and I am sore for days. Not just the right hip but the left hip too. I am a barrel of monkeys, let me tell you. But I did decide to get back to running. I notice my hips feel better when I do it. So I started again. I am taking it slow. I don't want to kill myself.

So my goal for October 11th is this. I want to lose 6 pounds. I want to loose a combined total of 3 inches. I know I can do it, its just a matter of using the will power and positive re-enforcement. I know I am better than all that weight I am carrying around. I refuse to let it own me any more.

I want to say a special prayer for my friends Sandee. Yesterday her brother went into the hospital with breathing troubles and early this morning he passed away. Sandee is a dear friend of mine. She has helped to motivate me and she has made me smile and laugh and look at life differently. Two months ago Sandee's mom died. My heart goes out to her family. Please take a moment and say a prayer for her.

So time for a little prayer and then I am going to go and be.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people who surround me and love me. Thank You for the chance to know and love one your your sweetest creations. Bruce is home with You and I know one day I will see him again. Thank You for the fellowship at the church picnic today. Thank You for all things big and small. God please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin. Help them and comfort them. God please be with Sandee and her dad at this their saddest hour. Please be with Pastor Wahl. I know it was your hand that helped to steady him this morning as he told us the news. Please be with those who are sick. Hold their hand and guide them. I Do Believe, Help me Overcome My Unbelief. Mark 9:24  In your name we pray Amen.

Where does it go?

Where does the time go? Really! Today I spent most of the day trying to get Austins room cleaned and his fish tank set up. I started this project at about 11 this morning. At 8:30 p.m. I started this blog. Then I got side tracked and started again at 11:15 p.m. Austins room isn't completely cleaned. I ran out of steam. His fish tank is set up, but as of right now there are no fish. Maybe this week. But I have no idea where all the hours went! I mean 9 hours and I cant really say I got accomplished what I wanted to get accomplished. Where did it go?

Where did the time go last month? What the hell happened to August. August is usually my hang at the beach do nothing but wish the kids were back in school month. But I wasn't there in August. I wasn't a beach bum. I was ready for the kids to go back to school, but then I thought about how quickly the time had gone by. I barely worked out in August. My desire, my push, my motivation were all gone. They flew right out the window. I let Austins meningitis throw me off course. I let myself have all that time off, and I rationalized why I wasn't at the gym. I pulled a muscle in my back after that. Doc ordered me to bed rest for a week. A WEEK! That seems so short and so long. After day two I was going nuts. Dave told me I would never get better if I didn't stop. So I did. So there is another reason I wasn't at the gym. Then poison ivy came my way. Next thing I know I excused myself out of a month of gym time. Where did August go? It didn't feel like a month. But it was.

On the 7th my baby turned 12. Where did that time go? Hes twelve now. Not a baby but not a teen. Hes that stage where everything gets weird and hormones go crazy and I become the enemy. But I look at him and I think how are you 12! I remember our first public outing. He was only a few days old and we went to the church picnic. He was so so little, He had this black hair that stood on end, this giant poof of hair. He was such a good boy. He still is, don't get me wrong, but I wonder where it all went. When did his face start to thin out and that baby pudge melt away? When did he decide he liked boxer briefs instead of under roos? When did he stop speaking his own language and start using ours? When did he stop coming to me and asking me to sing him to sleep? Where did it go?

I am saddened that my children are growing up. Not because I am getting older. That is what it is. But I always wonder did I fill those lost times with good things and good memories. As of right now my son still tells me I am a great mom. Lex tells me that I did alright by her over the years, but I have dropped the ball a few times. Honestly I like Austins answer better, but I appreciate the honesty of Lexi's. I miss when their problems were smaller. I miss when they were smaller. Clothes were so much cheaper! but honestly I miss my babies. I am proud of my children. I think that they are going to be great adults one day in the far distant future. Right now I just want them to be kids.

I know it doesn't matter how much I hope and wish and dream. They wont be little forever and no matter how much I stuff in a day I will still wonder where the time went.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and making me your child. Thank You for surrounding me with such wonderful people. Thank You for my son. I know that only you know the way I truly feel about him. Please watch over my old people. We all need you right now. In your name we pray. Amen

G.N.O.

For those of you who do not know G.N.O. stands for Girls Night Out! I had one of these on Friday for my Best Friends birthday. Yep Bec turned 35. So to celebrate we went to Blue Chip to see Boys Are Mean. I had an amazing time.

We were a trio, Bec, Beckett and me. I became an honorary Becky for the night, so we called ourselves the Tri-Beca. I know we are dorks, but you had to be there. Bec did my make-up, I would have done it but I am HORRIBLE at doing my own make-up. I always end up looking like a raccoon. So Bec hooked me up. Then we headed out to get Beckett. Bec's niece dropped us off at the casino and the night began.

The band was late getting on so we walked around a little. We went to go into the main casino and the three of us got carded. I don't know if you have been carded when you are well over the age of 21, but it is an awesome feeling, even if they are carding anyone who isn't using a walker. We grabbed a couple drinks and did a lap around the casino floor and headed to Vegas Baby! Did ya know it was cheaper to get drinks outside of the bar than in the bar? Yeah, it is. It wasn't to busy yet so we grabbed a table and watched the night begin.

Now I am not trying to say I am a good person, because I am not. Keep that in mind as I continue here. They had some dance music blaring and the floor was pretty empty, then they appeared. These two women who obviously didn't care what others thought of them, God Bless their souls. The older woman had some rhythm, she at least was able to keep to the beat. And truth be told she wasn't that bad. But her friend, well her friend was one of those nightmare train wrecks you have to watch. Kind of like me at a rave. Yes I have been to a rave before and let me tell you I was a nightmare train wreck. But I will give them credit, they were out there while I was sitting on my ass. In my defense I pulled a muscle in my lower back on Monday and I had been useless for days.

The band showed up and we were ready to get to dancing. Problem, they weren't a pop dance type band. They were Aerosmith and Def Leppard and Bon Jovi. Not that I am complaining, they played a lot of awesome stuff, and there were people dancing alright. Including the Woo Girls. Woo Girls consist of the 20's who were their shorts with ass cheeks visible, sheer tops with lace bras and heels that can also be used as an ice pick. Their hair is straight as a stick and their make up is caked on 3 inches thick. Their signature moves have their arms in the air, their hips gyrating, and mouth open lips forming and O like they are saying Woo. They are the girls you see in videos falling off tables drunk.

Now let me ask you a question. Well there is a statement first then a question. I am 36 years old, I am part of what is called Generation X, but I think I am more of a Generation Y. Not that it matters. The question is this, what the hell is wrong with the men of my generation? Why do they dance like a frog on Valium trying to use yard equipment? There was the lawn mower and the sprinkler, some looked like they were pulling weeds. But the best was Newman. He just stood there and very slightly shuffled his feet and his head moved a little. But back to the other men. Here is a sample. I know she is a girl but she hits it on the head.

So lets put it this way it was bad and hilarious. The best move of the night was the woman who was probably in her early to mid 40's. Her signature move was the dog hump. She looked like she was going at it on an invisible giants leg. Good Lord was it funny. She was dancing with one of the frog men. Let me tell you I almost came out my seat. The three of us got out there and tore it up. I know I dance like an epileptic monkey, but my moves were even better than those people. I didn't dance much because of my back, but when I did I was freaking awesome.

The leader of the band kept pointing at us when we were sitting, telling us to get back out there. So I decided it was time for a word with the lead singer. I went up there and between songs told him that it was Bec's birthday. So the next song he dedicated to her. She had no choice but to dance after that. The Bec's got out there and danced their asses off. I sat there and watched. my back was aching and I wasn't going to risk it. Sadly the band played their last song and then night was wrapping up.

I don't know how much we drank, I know it was a lot! A LOT!!! But we had the best time. Breakfast was called for. So our drunk asses called our designated driver, my husband, from the bathroom. We called and asked him to come get us and take us to Denny's. We told him he was awesomer, and then debated if awesomer was a word. The woman laughing in the stall told us it was, so we went with it. Dave said yes. So he earned the title of Fan-Freaking-Tastic.

The tri-Beca headed out into the night waiting for our ride. The car ride to Denny's was hilarious. Dave said we were so drunk we were making him feel drunk lol. Breakfast was exactly what the doctor ordered. By 4 a.m. we were ready to call it a night. Dave delivered us all to our place of sleep. I stayed at Becs. My head hit the pillow and I was dead to the world. Except for a few stumbles to the bathroom I slept like the dead. I woke up at 1:15 in the afternoon. No hang over, except for a bit of cotton mouth.

I know this isn't something that will happen often, but I can say I am eagerly awaiting next time!

I know, I know, I'm sorry

I know I am a day late. I was very tired yesterday when we got home from visiting Grandma and I fell asleep somewhere between 3 and 4. Well I slept til 9:30. I woke up, ate, said oh crap I forgot to blog and fell back asleep til 5 this morning. I was rather tired. So I apologize for my lateness.

I have been a gym bum. Ever since Austin got out of the hospital it has been like pulling teeth to get me to go to the gym. I have been working more these past two weeks. So I don't know if that is why I haven't been going. But I know I haven't been there enough and that makes me sad. I will be there tonight. Even though my back hurts and I feel stiff as a board. I will be there. I need it to much.

Since I stopped going I have put on 5 pounds. Really! That is scary. Obviously my eating is still way out of control. (Yes, I know, I haven't been keeping track. I need to get back to using My Fitness Pal.) I was just about to make an excuse and I stopped myself. Excuses suck.

Sunday we went to visit my grandma. I have mentioned her a few times on here. She is the grandma that has cancer. We had a silly hat tea party at her house. Someone brought one of those big purple church hats that you see old ladies wear.Dave wore the crown of daisies I wore at our wedding. Austin had a Perry the Platypus hat and Lex a knit owl hat. There was a silver sequin hat and an antique straw hat. Like the ones they wore in the days of the bandstands. Made me think of one of those musicals that Disney put out. But anyway, we had a lovely visit. Everyone made sure to stick their pinkies in the air.

I know I am kind of skipping here but I have to back up a few days. I don't remember if it was the day I went to see my grandma in the hospital or a day or two after, but I needed comfort. I turned to the most logical person, my husband. Now I will say this for my husband. He is a very literal person. Sometimes he can't see something obvious, like I need to be comforted, he sees that I am not thinking logically.

What I wasn't thinking logically about was that I asked him to help me kill myself if I every get to the point where my living was nothing but pain and agony. I said this with tear filled eyes while talking about a woman who was dying. I was in pain, I didn't want an actual answer. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me something like 'I hope that day will never come.' Instead I got, 'NO!' Followed by 'Everyone is dying.' I tried to tell him that I can't imagine what it must be like to know that you are dying. I can't imagine I would be able to function knowing I was going to die soon. his response, 'I can. I know everyday that I am dying.' What? 'I know that I am dying, I think about it every day, that my life is getting closer to the end. But I keep on going.' OK literal Dave and illogical Tina do not make a good match. I want someone to hold me and tell me they are sorry for 5 minutes, he wants to talk about the fact that any day we can go to bed and not wake up. We have to live every day like it is our last. He obviously has no idea what I want to do on my last day. If he did he would not ask me to live every day like it was my last.


I understand what he is saying. It all made perfect sense. But when I try to explain what I want from him he looks at me like a dog who confused. I can hear Scooby-Do in my head saying Rhut. I can see his logical point and try to explain my maybe not so logical point, but he still doesn't get it. He is Black and white. there are no shades of gray. I love him because he is who he is, but that didn't stop me from wanting to punch him in the eye.

My grandma is dying. I can't make it better, I can't take it away. I can't imagine what it is like for her. I don't know the kind of decisions she has to make and the prayers she offers to God. I will not know the peace that she will be at when she takes her breath for the last time. But I will know the loss of her. I will know the pain of letting go. I know I will need to turn to my husband and I know that in those moments he will understand and logical or not he will hold me and comfort me.

So it is closing time and I am going to finish with a little prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my family and friends. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for the gift of life. Please be with my grandma as she makes the choices I can not make and lives the life I can not save. In Your name I pray. Amen

A better mother

Last week I promised pics. So here they are. For those of you who don't remember I am starting what I call the Red Dress Project. Every month on the 11th I will be taking update pics in the new red dress I bought. I am excited to see hos the dress changes as I change.

These pics are from August 11th. I need to find my measurements and put those up once a month too.

So that is covered. On to the next. Austin is home from the hospital. He got out Tuesday afternoon. He still has aches and pains but the worst of it is past us now. Thank You to everyone for their well wishes. I hope we never have to go through that again. And yes it was meningitis.

So here's to the heart of today's blog. I think I have failed my kids as a mother.

I have been working with a friend of mine cleaning houses. Some of the houses we go to are absolutely amazing. There was this one on the beach that made my head and heart swim. You walk in and you know that this place isn't a rental, as many of them are, this is someones home. The signs of kids were everywhere. The projects lovingly displayed on the walls. Dinner plates with drawings that the kids made. A table full of crayons and paper and love. This wasn't just some stuff stuck together and pushed off to the side, this was the home of a family that loved each other. You could see that the mom was very involved with her kids. I could not say that these kids were spoiled. Their rooms weren't loaded with the latest crap. There weren't different game systems and big screen t.v.s. There were over sized chairs and comfy blankets that were obviously used. And there were books. Everywhere books. On one of the large second floor windows you could see a tree drawn on the glass and other things.

So as I am looking around this home filled with love I began to wonder if I had given my kids enough. Had I spent enough time doing arts and crafts, expanding their minds? Did I read to them enough and help them to find a love for books? Did I cuddle enough? Love enough? Give enough? I was telling myself that I was good enough. I did my best. But I wanted to know what the kids thought.

When I talked to them later that same day I was met by attitude. I asked for them to do their chores while I was working. You would think I asked for them to save the princess and kill the evil villains. There was so much whine I was going to ask for cheese. That's when I realized I had been a failure to a certain point. Their utter lack of respect for me was extremely obvious when I got home and chores were half way done and the TV that I said could not be on was on. I got half hearted apologies that ere only given to placate me. I turned the TV off and told them to clean.

I know that they say all kids are like that. But in the end I think that if I had spent more time out of depressions and more time focusing on them things wouldn't be so bad today. I know, I know, should have, could have, would have. There is nothing I can do now. About the past! I can do something for the future.

I reflected on past failures. The 20 or 30 times I quit smoking before I finally did in '07. My many many failed attempts to lose weight. I am still struggling with that one. Going to school, photography, massage therapy, author, artist, stained glass maker, good wife (feel like I suck at that too), good mother. I know that I finally quit smoking. That is not a failure it is a win. But it took a week in the hospital and 2 weeks without driving to do that. I miss it, a lot. I probably wouldn't have quit on my own. You are reading my weight loss blog so there's that. The other things I gave up on. It was just easier to quit because inside I told myself I couldn't do it.

I know I am on a pity party. It has been a rough long week and truth be told I am spent. I am frustrated and I am ready to throw in the towel. I don't know how my mom did it. She is my hero. I wish I was as good a mom as her. But I really feel like I have dropped the ball. I know get off the pot, so I am gonna go. here is a little prayer to get us through the day.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the comforts of my own dysfunctional home. Thank You for loving me as I am. Thank You for being the rock I needed while Austin was in the hospital and for keeping me calm and sane for this past week. Thank You for all the wonderful people who were there for me through all of this. God, I ask that you be with my Grandma Kelly. Comfort her in her times of pain. She is Your faithful and humble servant. Please be with my Aunt Di, the work of a caregiver is all consuming and often painful. Please be with her as she continues to take care of her "old people". In Your name we pray. Amen

Red Dress Project

Sorry this is a day late and it is going to be rather short. My son is in the hospital with meningitis. I came home to do a few things and decided to do this real quick like.

Last week I bought a red dress on clearance at Fashion Bug, which is going out of business! Sad Panda. But anyway the dress is an XL. which is 1 size down for me. The dress is a wrap dress. Right now it is snug on me, but I figure as I lose weight it will get bigger! So I took some pics, which i cant load because this is my husbands computer and he does not have a slot for memory cards. But I will make sure to add them on Sunday. But the project is this. Ever month on the 11th I am going to put the dress on and take some pics to see my progress. I am also going to be adding measurements. I don't have those either right now. I am kind of stressed, you might guess. So I am not all together on where everything is at. But I will make sure to have it all together for Sunday.

I would appreciate all the prayers we get. He is doing a lot better right now and I am hoping tomorrow he can come home. He is hoping that also. They are loading him up on antibiotics and he is feeling like a new man compared to how he has been feeling since Thursday of last week. We just went into the hospital yesterday after they called us to tell us that one of his blood cultures came back positive. So that is where we are at. But he is feeling alright now so that is a bonus and the headache is gone and that is great.

Well I am out of here I need to get ready to go back up. So here is a little prayer

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my family who has been incredibly helpful in this whole situation. Thank You for my friends who are there when ever I need them for support or someone to talk to.Thank You for fantastic medical care for my son. Thank You for my son. I am so blessed to have him. Thank You for loving me. Please be with us while we deal with Austins medical issues and help me to be calm and wise. In your name we pray. Amen

Night Rider

I was half way through and I wanted to quit. My legs were tired, my heart was racing and my mind was telling me you just cant do it. I was 3/4ths of the way up a hill that I thought was going to be the death of me and I was worn out. I was ready to fake a flat tire, have an imaginary asthma attack, whatever, I just wanted to be done. But my heart told my head, 'We are stronger than this. Get your ass in gear and finish this!' So I put my feet back on the pedals and I pushed off. I figured I am going up hill now so somewhere I am going to be going down hill.

This was the first of many night rides I am hoping to complete. I'm not looking to be first, I don't care if I'm last. I just want to complete it. I know for a fact I can. I just need to get out there and ride my bike more. I was not ready for this one. I thought I was but I wasn't. Over confidence won over and I didn't do what I needed to do to be ready. Next time it wont be that way at all. Starting today I am riding my bike.

 La Porte Parks and Rec 2012 Night Ride

I missed out on a great ride Saturday because I didn't have the money or the confidence. I said it would be to hot, I couldn't do it because of money... But the truth is if I wanted it bad enough I would have found a way to get the money. I would have dealt with the heat. I would have built up a stronger sense of pride. But in the end I let the excuses win. I wish I hadn't because I know it was a good time.

Kevin on the left. Becky in orange and Julie in black Freddy is in the white shirt and Jenn is the blond in grey. I am bottom right. 

Julie is fabulous. She is one of the members at Anytime. She is such an inspiration. I am glad that she is on Team Miranda with me. I am glad to have her in my life. Freddy has ridden his bike from California to Maine! He too is a member of Anytime, as is Jenn. I don't really know her but I am glad I met her.

I know I mention Michigan City Anytime Fitness a lot, but I have to give credit where credit is due. If it wasn't for the people there I don't know if I would be where I am today. I know I wouldn't have been on that bike ride Friday night and I wouldn't be getting ready to do the one on the 25th in Valpo. I would probably still be sitting on my butt in a state of depression. The day Becky joined was one of the happiest. I could work out and be with my best friend. She is a great motivator for me. When I think I can't she reminds me that I can. She will push for one more set, one more lap, one more mile. I do it because I know I can, she just reminded me of that. The trainer there, Miranda, Sebesta, is so awesome. If I have questions about exercises or stretches shes on it and if she doesn't know she will do the research and help you out. Kevin, the manager, is another great motivator. He is ready to put in the extra time or energy. He has been to all the events building up confidence and being a good friend. I can not tell you how much this has changed my life. I know it sounds like a pitch but it isn't. If you haven't been there you should, its worth every penny!

I have found a song that I am taking on as my song. When I feel like giving up I sing it in my head and it reminds me that I am in fact a fighter. I can do it. I just have to take one more step. I have to push myself beyond my comfort zone. Aches and pains are prizes, it means I am fighting the good fight. I have promised myself that I wont do this again. I wont be here at 245 pounds wishing I was healthier. I am a fighter. Once I reach my goal I will fight for the rest of my life to be there and stay there. I am a fighter, I wont let anyone bring me down. I might get knocked down but I will get up and dust myself off and make the next move even stronger. I am a fighter!

The Fighter! this link will take you to YouTube and you can see the video too. Do it, its amazing. The kid in the video, John Orozco is fantastic. He placed 8th in the men's all around.

OK well time for a prayer and then off to enjoy the day.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the friends who love me and push me to be a better person. Thank You for loving me and strengthening me in heart, mind and spirit. Thank You for opening my eyes and showing me what a wonderful world You have created. I was blinded to all the possibilities. Thank You for achy legs and tired eyes, Thank You for a strong heart, Thank You for loving me.  God please be with my Grandma Kelly. Her battle continues and I don't know what to do or how to help. Please be with my Uncle Marlin as he deals with his health issues. And please God be with my Aunt Di. Sometimes people don't understand the strength it takes to be a caregiver. I know she looks to You when she is struggling. Please be with those who are fighting their own demons. Please be with me when I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know with You anything is possible. In Your name we pray. Amen

Running Mad

The reason I was mad isn't really relevant, only that I was mad. Very mad. Now normally when I am mad I find my way to the kitchen open a bag of whatever and start to eat. I am usually stuffed long before the anger is gone and I am then angry that I ate so much and still angry about whatever it was in the first place. But this time I walked right past the kitchen and right out the door. And I kept walking. My body naturally pulled me into the woods and as soon as I passed that clearing I was gone. I found my anger was motivating. I ran til my heart was beating fast and the sweat was pouring off of me. I ran til the sound of my foot steps beat a steady rhythm. I ran til the anger was nothing more than a thought. I slowed down and caught my breath and started my conversation with God. I asked him to help take away the anger and to help me to find a solution to my problem. As I talked my heart became lighter and so did my step. I found my conversation with God was cut into small patches as I would take off through the woods.

Now it was already after 6 p.m. when I left my house and the night was beginning to fall while I was in the woods. What I didn't expect was the storm that was coming in. I had about a mile or so to go when the temperature dropped. One second I was warm and the next I knew something was about to happen. The wind picked up and the trees began to sway. I could hear the wind and I just prayed that it would hold off til I got out of there.

I know the woods pretty well. I have been going there for years and I know that paths. But when the clouds came through and the sky got dark, well I admit I was a little nervous. Making out the path was a hard. There was no running at this point, it was very careful walking. Roots jumped up and grabbed at my feet and I'll admit at one point I fell. I didn't panic though because I knew that God was with me and that I would make it through the woods alright.

I had maybe a quarter of a mile left when the rain started to fall. I could hear it on the leaves for about a moment before it hit me. I knew it was going to be a crazy storm so I just accepted it and kept on trekking. I finally made it out of the woods and into the rain. It only took seconds for me to get drenched. I was walking home smiling when I thought hmm, I could easily run here. So I did. I ran home. My anger was a thing of the past. God was washing away my frustrations.

I made it home a drowned rat. I stripped when I got in the laundry room, grabbed a clean towel and headed to my room. My family had no idea it was raining. They looked at me like I was nuts, walking through the house wet and dripping. Did I really sweat that much? I went to my room and threw on some clothes, knowing that no matter what the rest of the day had to offer I was alright because God was there to comfort me.

Time for a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people in my life. Thank You for loving me and washing away my frustration and anger. Thank You for giving me the strength and wisdom to know when to say something and what to say. God, please be with Kristen and her family as they mourn the sudden loss of her grandma. I know she will need your support and comfort. Please be with those who are suffering, wash away their pain and bring them comfort in your arms. In Your name we pray. Amen

A New Chapter

So I made Dave go to the doctor. It's the first time he has gone in years, probably about 9 years or so. We wanted him to get a full check up. Get to know the new doctor and get the basic blood work done. We were there a total of 20 to 25 minutes. That included the blood work. LOVIN the new doc. So they told us if everything is fine than he doesn't need to come back for a year or so. But if there is anything wrong then they will call us and let us know. Well Friday morning I got a call from the doctor. Dave cholesterol is great. All the other stuff great, except his blood sugar. Not so great. My husband is pre-diabetic. In six months he has to go back and do it all over again.

I am not going to say I am shocked by this. I have had a feeling for a while that something wasn't right. He had all the signs. The thirst, the bathroom use, the cravings, the cramps in his legs because he is so dehydrated. He also eats 3 sandwiches a day at work. My husband, if he knows it or not is a carb junky. I should say was. It is the beginning of a new chapter in our house.

See it finally hit him this morning. The truth of it all. What he did was shocking to say the least. My husband ate oatmeal. Now before this the only oatmeal he has eaten was cookies.  So oatmeal in a bowl with fresh blueberries and almonds was something I never thought I would see. He wasn't a big fan, but he knew it was better than the 3 or 4 eggs he would have scarfed down otherwise. He knows what the future holds if he doesn't get this under control now.

I am really excited about all this. I hate to say I am happy that he is in this situation, but I know it is what we need to finally turn it all around. Dave's uncle lost both of his legs to diabetes. He has watched so many of his relatives deal with it. He doesn't want to be in that boat. So today we went for a walk. The four of us put on our tennis shoes and grabbed some water and headed out to some local trails. We had a good time. Austin of course ran and jumped and enjoyed it and Alexis only complained for a little bit. Dave and I took in the smell of the woods and the enjoyment of being together.

Tonight's dinner wont be on bread or tortilla shells, another one of our favorite carbs. No tonight we eat with rice. Strips of fajita style steak cuts mixed with onion and garlic and a little olive oil. I might throw some corn in there. I love corn! Just sayin.

I tried to get Dave to join the gym. He thought about it, which is more than I expected, and he said no in the end. Dave hates a contract and the gym is a minimum 6 month contract. I think he expected me to fight him about it, but I didn't see the point. If he doesn't want to go he doesn't want to go. I am not going to force him to do it. I will just be happy if he gets a little exercise in a day. I know not to push him because the minute I do all that we have accomplished goes out the window. So I will take what I can. It is great to have someone in the same mindset as me. I know together we will be a force to be reckoned with.

Well I am going to do my prayer thing and then I am going to take a nap. I love my sleep and I get it as much as I can.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the love you give us. For the trees and the birds in them. For adventure that is right around the corner waiting for us to find it. Thank You for my husband and kids. I am so very blessed. Thank You for opening our eyes. I know I am not always the best christian but I know that You love me and you will help me to be a better one. God, please help us to fight the cravings and demons of food as we work hard to get ourselves healthy. I know I will need all the strength I can get. Please watch over us. In Your name we pray. Amen

Most Exhilerating Run Yet

I woke about 5:20 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep. So I grabbed my water bottle, mp3 player and my skele-toes shoes and headed out into the cool wet morning. I decided not to head out to the beach as I have been for the past few weeks and instead headed to the woods.

It was still a little dark out when I got into the woods. The sun hadn't truly risen yet. It was just a soft glowing thought in the sleepy blacks and blues of night. But that didn't bother me. Running is something I am not all that great at, but I found that the woods were calling me. I picked up my pace. Weaving through the dew soaked branches, trying not to trip over roots that rose up to great me. My feet always seemed to find the right place to land. Never twisting or tripping, just earth under me pushing me along.

Now I'm not saying I ran the whole time. Oh no, that would be a lie. I ran til my body would scream and then I would slow to a walk. I would check my phone for the time and was shocked by how little time had passed since the last time I had checked it. I felt like I had been running forever. I know those trails and I know how long it takes to get to certain parts. I always felt like I had run or walked for at least 20 minutes, but in the end it was more like 5. I didn't know if that was discouraging or encouraging. So I went with the latter. At one point I came upon a meadow to the east. I could see the sun coming up. It hadn't broken above the trees yet, but it was peaking its glorious head up over the tall grasses. I don't know if it was the sun or the song I was listening to, but a smile spread across my face and I took off again.

I had done the loop that led me back to the main trail and stopped to catch a quick breath when it happened. The sun had broken through the trees. The forest was alive. Soft rays of light filtered through the leaves. The small specks of dust danced in the beams and insects seemed to bask in the morning light. I could see the small pools of dew in the fallen leaves and glistening off the tall grass. The spider webs that kept stringing themselves across my face were now visible and avoidable. I was frozen there for a moment. The beauty was beyond me, It engulfed me and I was lost in its brilliance.

I must have stood there a good two or three minutes. The whole time I was thinking, wow, God gave me all of this. He wanted me to get up early and come here for this reason. There was a message of patience I needed for today. I think he was setting me up for something greater today. I didn't find out til later what it was he wanted me to do, but I knew when it happened that this was the reason. The lord truly does work in mysterious ways.

I finished my run with a song in my heart and a bounce in my step. In one hour I had done a little under 5 miles. My muscles ached and I was wet from dew and sweat. I think I smelled like I had been running through the dessert, naked, with out deodorant for 5 days.Dave told me not to run in the woods. That I would fall and break my leg, but I am pretty sure that God had my back this morning. He had bigger plans for me today.

I like being an instrument of God. I like doing his work and helping others. I think that he puts us in certain places at certain times for certain reasons. I am learning not to second guess things as much. A wrong turn or slower traffic or choosing to go to one place over another. You never know if around that next curve there is someone waiting for you.

Well I am getting a little chatty and I think it is time to go. So I am going to offer a prayer here.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the wonderful people in my life. I am so very blessed to have them. Thank You for bringing me out and showing me all the beauty around me. Some days I take for granted the sun rising and setting. Thank You for another year with my family and friends. God please be with Marge Pearson and her family while they deal with her latest health crisis. Please help them to make the best decisions for her. Please be with my Friend Carrie whose Grandma passed on the 12th. I know she is with You now. Also be with Sandee as she continues to morn the loss of her mom. In Your name we pray. Amen