Sisters

I went out last night with my sisters. The last time we went and spent the night somewhere without our kids or husbands together was in 2001, two months before 9/11. So it has been a while. I had a blast. Micci's GPS got us all kinds of lost and we found out that there are a million Starbucks in Chicago. I walked a good 3 miles easy. Well it wasn't an easy three miles for me. My sisters just breezed through. I on the other hand was struggling to keep pace. But I kept up. I never had them stop for me, even though my foot was all kinds of swollen from some stupid thing I did in the dark the night before. 

My sisters went to get Dunkin Donuts in the morning and let me sleep (Thank You!) well on the way back up to the room they stopped to look at the pool and took the last 8 floors up on foot. I hate stairs. HATE STAIRS!!! I scream. I hate how my knees hurt with each step and I hate that I cant breath after a flight and I hate the fact I would never have been able to keep up with them. So now I am challenged. Not by my sisters but by me. I am going to get better at stairs. I am going to become friends with the precor machine at the gym and I am going to tackle this bitch. Also, my sisters are training for a 10k. I am not that industrious right now. But I will start training for a 5k.

I feel so good. I have goals. I have plans. As soon as I have the money I will have a trainer. Watch out 2014! 

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my sisters. Amen

Divine Wisdom of the Toilet

Yep! That's right divine wisdom of the toilet. Now before anyone freaks out I am not going to talk about poop. I am not going to talk about toilety stuff I am going to tell you about the wisdom that only seems to come when sitting on the toilet. Those ah-ha moments that strike and you think that's it! Eureka, I have the answer to all the worlds problems I just need to remember it past washing my hands. Good Luck.

I had one of those moments. Not only in the bathroom but in the church bathroom. That is some powerful wisdom my friend. POW-ER-FUL!! This is what I thought. What if I am more than this? What if I am so afraid that no one will see me or that everyone will see me if I lose weight. What if I'm not the fat friend anymore? What if my place changes? What if I lose weight and I realize that I don't fit in the world I am in now? What if I am better than this? What if I am more than people remember? I actually kind of got excited about it.

Now the church bathroom is not the place to start laughing like a mad man. Its not the place to just sit and ponder either. Its a get up and go kind of place. So I left feeling better, a lot better :). I have a plan. Next year at the Christmas program I am not going to have to use the handicap stall because it is easier to move around in. Next year I am not going to be in yoga pants. Next year I will not have an ear infection. (I have one now and I know I had one last year about this time too.) Instead I am starting new. I am starting fresh. I am going to start with a trainer. Her name is Shannon and I think she is going to kill me, and I can't wait. I am going to be her poster child and I am going to rock this body. Just you wait and see.

I have my computer back after months so it is going to be so much easier to blog. I found that when I was telling everyone about all the crap I was eating and the things I wasn't doing I was more honest about my gains and losses and I was kind of happier too. So I am going to start this over. I am keeping the old blog name and such because I have had this for two years, but I am going to be changing things as I go. Old skin, old body, old blog. Wait and see. I know one year is a long time, but I promise when I come back here in one year I am going to be a brand spanking new person!

I will reveal more on my first blog of the new year. (That is Tina speak for I am still figuring it out.) I want all of you to be with me. I want you to be my cheering section, the voice in my ear when I want a chocolate bar or a coffee roll or an extra helping of marshmallows on my hot chocolate. In return I will share all my accomplishments. I will thank you for your help. I will reward you with happiness and love.

I remember now why I used to do this when the kids and Dave were in bed. I get through about a sentence or two before people start talking to me. But considering I am done it doesn't make much of a difference now.

PRAYER TIME. I want you to know I was singing that!

Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for your Son who came to earth to save me a poor sinner. Thank You for loving me and having faith in me even when I didn't have faith in me. Thank You for my wonderful amazing family who loves me no matter how awkward and uncomfortable I am. Please be with me as I make my way through this journey. Help me to be a better Christian, daughter, wife, mother and friend. In your name I pray. Amen

2 years

Its been a while. I know. I have been thinking a lot about what it is I have been saying and how much I wasn't doing what I should have been. Here it is I have been doing this blog for 2 years and I haven't lost a pound. I probably gained. I have made promises and I have said this is it I have hit bottom and damn at that moment in life it was true. I have hit a couple bottoms. I have made a few promises and kept some but nowhere along the way have I become what I wanted to be.

I got on the scale about an hour ago and I am so fat and miserable I thought God I wish I was dead. I wish that I didn't exist. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see anything I like. I can look at every inch of myself and find fault.  If it wasn't for the fact that I will not post nude pics I would take them and point out all the horribleness that is me. There isn't a spot on my body that I can honestly say I am happy with.

I want desperately to love myself and I want to be happy in my skin.  I want to be able to see past my flaws and accept myself. I cant.. I can't.. I just can't forgive myself and let go. I wont let myself get past anything and I cant see anything ever changing.

Im so mad at myself that I cant accept God. I cant hear him. I cant comprehend his word and I cant feel his love for me.

I hate myself. So I decides to blog about it.

Who knows tomorrow I might not loath myself. I might be happy to be alive.

Its Fall Already?!

Its fall. It is the end of summer and the beginning of fall. Leaves are changing, days are shorter, the weather is cooler and here I am again in the same boat I was in last fall. The gravy boat. I swore I would change, that this was my year. I had so much to accomplish and dreams and and and... Here I am again. A year older, that's all.

I think I am healthier mentally though. I think I am in a better place inside. I have to have that faith before I can change anything. Otherwise next fall I'll be the same.

I have a 5k sneaking up on me. I am not and will not be ready if I don't start now. Well its 30 minutes til bed so not right this second. But the gym is on my way home. I only need to be there 30 minutes. Do half cardio half weights. Just do something. I hate saying tomorrow tomorrow but there will be no waking up if I go tonight.

I don't like veggies much and I don't really care for fresh fruit. I really need to break the sugar habit. Some days I would rather not eat than eat healthy. I know that's wrong. I hate the thought of forcing myself to eat fruit. But tomorrow I will eat an apple! I know its not the most amazing thing in the world but its a start, right?

OK Quick prayer

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the people in my life and the moments we share. You are an amazing God. Amen

Walking in

So it has been 12 days since I stepped into the gym. It has been 12 days with excuses. Some good, some bad, some non existent. But 12 days none the less. I walked in and Kevin greater me. Its obvious that he knows I have been missing. It could be the witty banter that he misses or my beautiful smile or the fact that I haven't been here trying to improve myself. I think it is the latter. I have missed it. I have missed blogging and trying to change my world. But I think that those things got put on the back burner because I am trying to improve my relationship with God first. I know that with him other things will fall into place.

I am not going to try the same old same old. I have realized that I do really well with a schedule. So schedule it is. That doesn't mean planning so far in advance that there is no room for more. It just means that I will have a little more structure in my life. I think that is the only way I will get back to being healthy.

I'm not going to blog long. I am on the stationary bike and need to move along. So here's a prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for e everything. Amen

Sabotage

I am more harm to myself than good. I have such a negative self image that it effects everything I do. It spreads like the flu in a kindergarten class. Now not only do I feel like crap about but I accept and expect others to treat me like crap.

This past week I have tried to do something about it. When I shower in the morning I talk to God. I ask for forgiveness for my past and strength for my future. I tell myself I am good enough and I need to forgive myself in order to move on. Its working too.

I know that a negative self image takes more than a few days to change but I can feel a minor shift. Its little stuff really. I have been getting back on track with my fitness pal. I have gotten back to the gym. I haven't been able to do much since I threw out my back but I have been going and doing my physical therapy stretches at least.

This is what I know and I wanted to share. God loves me fat or thin. He wants me to be healthy. I love me. I am learning to love me more and more each passing day. I want me to be healthy too. There is no miracle. No pill will fix me. I have to fix me. I have been sabotaging myself because I haven't let go of my past. I haven't given myself the OK to go on living. Today I will remind myself often that I AM good enough. That I am important and that with God I can do anything and that includes losing weight. I am going to shed the pounds of sadness and grief. I am going to let go of the pounds of remorse that hang from my shoulders. I am going to get rid of all that weighs me down. I am goin to shed this skin and I am going to be the person I know God wants me to be.

All I can worry about is today. That's what matters most

A Little Hope

Sorry I'm late. I have lost track of time. I started watching my nieces and time has flown by. I have been at this gig for 2 weeks now and I really like it. But I am beginning to realize a few things.

1. I am not young anymore. Little people wear me out. By the time they are ready for a nap so am I!

2. A sixteen pound baby weighs at least 30 pounds when it wants down. My arms are like thick wet noodles when I am holding this kid. Mental note, work arms!

3. I am not very patient. Ask my kids they will tell you. But they will also tell you that since I started this I have yelled less, talked more and thought twice.

4. I understand my husband now. Nine years of marriage and it has taken two weeks of work for me to understand him again.

5. God is in everything I do. When I am frustrated or tired or whatever it is God who gets me through it.

6. My sister doesn't buy junk food so I don't eat junk food. A pattern is forming here.

7. Its nap time.

So time for a prayer.

Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for a chance to get to know my nieces. Thank You for helping me on the way. Please help me to stay on path. Thanks for Kay and Hope. They are helping to change my life for the better.

To Fat To Ride!

So before I came and sat down to write this I was standing in the kitchen eating a piece of homemade honey white bread dipped in left over soy whiskey glaze from dinner. OMG it was amazing. Just sayin. But I had already had dinner. Lex had already made me a milk shake. I should not have been eating anything else. I know I need water but the cooler is out and I can't gag down well water. So I haven't been drinking my water as I should. This and many other habits are part of the reason I am bordering on to fat to ride.

Yep ya heard me, borderline. I fit on all the rides, just barely. When I went to ride with someone else on one ride we were to big together and had to sit in separate seats. I don't know how this person felt but I was embarrassed because everyone was looking at us. Oh let me back track. We went on our annual trip to Indiana Beach. Dave is on vacation and we try to go there for a day every year. It is just enough amusement park for us to handle and the price can not be beat. But back to the blog at hand. To fat to ride. Yes, yes

One ride we went on the bar came down on its own and it came within an inch or two of my boobs. Literally an inch. So that means it wasn't that far from my gut. My GUT! GUT! I hate it I hate it I hate it. But as I mentioned at the beginning of the post I eat like crap. If I keep up the way I eat next year I wont be able to fit at all.

Here's the deal. When I work out I burn a decent amount of calories. But I come home and I stuff my face with crap. So everything I burned is filled right back up. I try to tell myself tomorrow I wont eat like shit. I will make it to the gym. I will do this I will do that and and and.... nothing.

I started a new challenge at the beginning of the month. I started a 40 day devotional challenge. I know you are probably thinking OK one extreme to the other. Here we are talking about being obese and now she is talking about God. WTF? I do have a point just follow the soy whiskey glazed bread crumbs.

So I started this challenge and it has been 7 days. In that seven days I have begun to realize that a lot of what I am reading in my devotionals can also be focused towards food. Tada... here is the link. Jesus Calling is the name of one of the books. The other is 40 Days With Jesus, Celebrating His Presence.   They are so amazing. I was reading a page the other day and I realized how well it would work with food. Now I don't expect to become an amazing Christian over night. I don't expect to change the way I feel about food or treat it to change over night either. Yes I ate the crappy bread, yes I know it was bad. But I wont go throw it up. I cant change the past. But I can remember to try to change the decisions I make for the future. I believe that the relationship I am forming with God will also change the relationship I have with food. One moment at a time. I wont eat anymore tonight. I have to run to CVS to get meds so I might even pic up a bottle of water and get that in. But I know, I can feel that I am changing every day. Little by little.

Foot note (ha ha I love that) I went for my physical therapy eval. on my foot. He looked at me and said that my left leg is only working at 50% while my right is 80%. That my problems are stemming from my back. Back to right hip, right hip to left knee, left knee to left foot. Fantastic. So we are going to treat all 4 this time instead of little bits at a time. I am curious as to how this is going to make me feel. I think I will be working hard. But until then no running, *sigh*. I will get there. I have a 5k in November that I have to do so I need to get my butt in gear.

OK time for prayer.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for giving me the tools to have a closer relationship with you. You are amazing and I am so glad to be speaking with you again. Thank You for my family and for the patience I am trying to use when I am dealing with my kids. Thank You for the amazing women I am on this journey with. God please be with those who are suffering. Please be with the person who couldn't fit on the ride with me. They struggle greatly. Please be with me as I figure this all out. In Your name I pray. Amen

Vacation

I know I blogged a few days ago but what the hell blogging again won't hurt me. I am still on vacation. It has been a week and I probably won't go home for a few more days. I have enjoyed my vacation a lot. But I miss my husband and my dog isn't speaking to me.

This vacation has been more than I expected it to be when we set off. I showed my kids a little piece of American history when we stopped at Lincolns New Salem in Illinois. It was great to see. I had went there as a child and I wanted to share that with them.

Once we got to Missouri we swam. A lot. Indoor mini water park. Outdoor mini water park. And Clinton Lake in Kansas. Yep state 3 on our adventure. We spent a day in Kansas City,  MO. LegoLand and Sea life. I don't think I will ever go back to either but I am glad I went.

We were supposed to go to the Gateway Arch but online they said the wait to get in was always at least an hour long. So we shot up to Does Moines, IA. We went to the Science Center of Iowa. I was expecting something like the Museum of Science and Industry. But it was nothing like that. Personally I think I overpaid. But whatever The kids had fun. It was definitely kid oriented. My favorite part was the night sky on the dome. I loved that experience when I saw it at the planetarium years ago and was so happy to give them that. Next was Iowa 80. The worlds biggest truck stop. Pretty cool. Now here I sit the night falling upon me and I am feeling nostalgic.

I spent many a summer here at Woodhaven. I would walk everywhere. Swim til the pools and beach closed and fall fast asleep at days end. There was no air conditioning, no cell phones, no DVDs.  We had an old black and white TV with rabbit ears that never really got anything on it. But we were able to hear the news at night and check the weather. We had Uno and Yahtzee and Michigan Rummy. We cooked on the grill we slept on hideaways and cots in a screened in porch. We listened to music and read racy magazines that my great grandma had. I would catch and release fish and turtles and frogs and go out in the row boat on the pond our place sits on. I knew nothing of life except that Woodhaven would always be here.

Life was suntans and corn on the cob and smores after dark. My dad telling us about the constellations and then finding out years later he had no idea what he was doing. Life was good and I was happy.

I get frustrated with my kids. I have wanted to kick them out of the car daily. But I want them to have Woodhaven. When I am here it doesn't matter how old I am or what life has been sending my way I am always young here. I am happy here. I think about suntans and food on the grills. I think about bonfires and smores. I think about life and I know that it is good and that I am blessed.

Youth

I miss youth. Not necessarily my youth but youth. I miss the innocence. I miss that time before I was corrupted. Before I knew what sex was. I miss youth. I miss the body I didn't understand but believed was fat. I don't remember when I became aware of the curves I would be blessed with. I just know that at some point boys noticed. I wish I remembered a time where I felt good about myself. I think that was in my youth.

I have spent decades in therapy. Working out the demons in my head. I have cried, I have laughed, I  have bared my soul to strangers and my secrets in a blog. I figured if I put it all out there then maybe I would learn to get past it all and love myself. Then maybe if I loved myself I would be able to lose weight. I would feel that I am alright. But I don't, I have a mental block somewhere. I have this self loathing that I can't seem to escape. I thought my blog would open the world to me. But it hasn't. I have put my soul out there. It feels good to have things off my chest.  To feel like I am cleaning out the mental closet.

I am going to keep going. I'm not going to give up on myself. But I think more than weight I need to learn to love myself. If I don't do that it won't matter how much I weigh or happy I am I will never be happy in my own skin or mind.l

Berry Good

So I went to get the results of my MRI and of course couldn't find anything.  The Dr. Didn't know what it was and said that I might need to go see a podiatrist.  Grr. But until then I am going back to therapy . Well at least they know me there and I like the people and they will work with my schedule.

So I spent the weekend canning. I made pickles for the first time, 4 jars of those. Then I did 8 half pints and 2 whole pints of blueberry jam and 6 half pints and 1 whole pint of raspberry jam.

They are so good looking. I tried the jam (this is my first time making raspberry jam. I have made blackberry and strawberry and blueberry before) And it was good.  But I used all The berries so 

I have to go get more for use to eat and to freeze. Mmm berries. I am going to make salsa and spaghetti sauce this year too. I have fallen in love with canning.

Dumb phone. Keeps messing Up. I could go do this the old Fashioned way on the computer but I don't feel like moving. 

I cut grass yesterday and spent hours on my feet while canning so my foot was killing me today. I have decided that since we aren't worried so much about me breaking a bone or straining a muscle or whatever I am going to start pushing it again. I am tired of living in this body. So here we go again. Tomorrow I am back at the walking track and then the gym and then to pick blackberries. I am bringing jam on vacation with us. A gift for our hostess. 

Well Wednesday is my anniversary . 9 years with my best friend. He is a great person. He has loved me through addiction, depression, anger and loss. He has held me up and comforted me when I felt I shouldn't be loved. He has supposed me on my journey. He knows when I need encouragement and has fine tuned his approach so as not to make me upset but to make me feel empowered.  Thank you babe for 9 years of marriage. I look forward to many more.

Well a prayer and bed.

Dear God. Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and supporting me. Thank You for such loving people in my life. I am blessed to have them. In Your name we pray. Amen

Planning a Trip

I forgot it was Sunday for a while. So there for I forgot it was blog time. I don't think I will post this until Monday morning. Mostly because I don't want to have someones phone going off at midnight telling them they have a message. I don't want to be that person. I like my friends and I don't want them to not like me.

Real quick week review before I get onto this trip thing. The bone scan showed I have arthritis in my big toe. That sucks but that isn't where my pain is so we move on. Tomorrow I am going for my MRI. YAY fun. Either way there is no problem with the bone and that makes me happy. I did cry though after I got the news. I just want this over. I want to be able to do the things I want to do and I cant. So I was kind of cranky there for a while. But it is what it is and I cant change that. Both kids where home for break this week and I was going to run away from home. But considering I cant run I wouldn't have gotten far. Yada Yada is was a week. The end.

So here is the exciting thing. The kids and I are leaving in 2 weeks for Kansas City, Mo. We are going to be spending a week with old friends and the hitting the Arch and then Woodhaven. I can NOT wait. I miss Woodhaven. I might have to extend vacation by a few days. As long as Dave has food in the house I don't think he will care. The dogs on the other hand might care. They might care a lot. They get all kinds of weird when we aren't home for a few hours. I think a week will send them into a panic. Its kind of like OH No he sent them to the pound. They are never coming back. Reversal if you think about it. They are probably thinking he sent us to a different forever home lol. But I will be calling and I will tell my husband to put my dog on the phone. Oh yes I am that person. I don't want my old lady dog dying of a broken heart. Hell if Dave believed in Skype I would skype my dog. Yes I would!!!! But he wont do it so whatever. Hater.

We will be leaving early and rolling through Illinois. Our first stop is Lincolns New Salem. I am excited about this. Austin just wants to get to Kansas City. Ever thing we do on the way out there is just going to annoy him because he wants to see his friend. I think that after 5 hours in the car the kids are going to need to stop and stretch their legs and blow the stink off. This is the perfect place. See I am packing a picnic lunch so we can eat there instead of spending way to much money at McDonalds or some other crap like that. Lord I am going to try to be good while on vacation. If for no other reason than because I am on a shoe string budget.

Next is Kansas City. Well outside of Kansas City but still cool all the same. We are going to spend a day sitting my a pool and playing at a smaller but still awesome water park. Then one day we are going to Legoland and maybe, possibly the zoo. But I don't know about that yet. I have to see if I can get a coupon or something because it is a little pricey. We are going to go to a state park in Kansas one day. Then the kids are going to play video games and be dumb for a day. Then sadly our vacation will be coming to an end. We will head out through St. Louis and see the Arch. OK I am a big nerd, this really excites the hell out of me. I don't know how Lex will do she is terrified of heights. She will survive. Even if I have to put blinders on her and guide her.

Then we are going to Woodhaven. The place of wonder since I was 1. I love this place. it is a part of me. When my Gigi sells it a part of me will die. But I understand why she is doing it and I support her 100%. But we will spend 2 glorious days at Woodhaven. There is something about sitting at the pool in the middle of Corn field America that makes you feel awesome.There is almost no cell reception up there so it is nice. There are no street lights. The speed limit is 15 and the campfires start just before dusk. There are smores to be made. A trip around the lake in a row boat, stopping under the weeping willow and taking pictures, and chasing geese. There are memories a million to be made in Woodhaven and I plan to make them.

Then we go home. I am thinking that this trip might be a little longer than I had planned lol. But that is the good thing about being a stay at home mom. I get to have this time with my family. That in itself is amazing.

Well it is time for spell check, a prayer and then bed. This MRI wont come to me.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and guiding me when I feel I am struggling the most. I know that You answer my prayers. I am beginning to see it more and more in my daily life. I must remember to be humble. I struggle there. God, please help me with my food in the weeks to come. Help me to make wise choices and help Alexis make wise choices. Help me to know when to stop being kind and start being firm. Please guide us as we make our way through this crazy mixed up world. Oh and please be with my Grandpa Don. Please help to make him comfortable.

In Your name we pray. Amen

I'm Radioactive

I love my husband. I don't know if I mentioned that before, but I do. He tends to be a bit of a smart ass. I know people are shocked by this but it is true. It's one of those love/hate traits. So after I got home from the hospital for my bone scam he asked me when I would start to glow in the dark and what my super powers would be. It's his way of breaking tension. It worked.

I got kind of nervous when we had to go into a special room for the injection. There were metal walls and heavy glass enclosures. There were signs that said "Do NOT Touch With Bare Hands." Those little yellow toxic signs were everywhere. The meds were held in a metal army ammo box!!! Now I am used to shots and all, the plastic syringe, needle blah blah. This was one of those old fashioned metal and glass things.  I was waiting for a mad Nazi era German scientists to come out with a white lab coat, gloved hands and a gas mask. But there was no old Dr. Just a tech who gave me an injection and told me to come back in three hours after it had soaked into my bones. AWESOME !!!

The scan itself is was 45 minutes of laying on a bed that rolls back and forth. Pose this way, do that. hold still. Done.

Now I have to wait for the results. But I get those back Tuesday. Its a possibility that its a tiny fracture. Or some other small crap. But if this doesn't figure it out then they want to do an MRI. I don't know about you but I don't have the money for an MRI. I want desperately for my foot to be better.  I miss my walks with Becky.  I want to run another 5k. I want to go running in the woods.  But I don't want to screw my foot up so bad I will be cripple.

So instead of Zumba I have been doing yoga at Fitchic Academy. Love it. I feel so good when I am done. it is just what the Dr ordered.  Kinda. But I am good. Results on Tuesday, yoga Tuesday night. Doubt there will be yoga Thursday, seeing that it is a holiday.

So now a prayers and off to dinner.

Dear God,  Thank You for today. Thank You for loving me and guiding me. I am a firm believer that when one door closes a window opens. Thank You for opening that window. In Your name I pray. Amen

I Relay for...

I relay for my Grandma Kelly who lost her fight against the disease on February 27th 2013. I relay for my Aunt Di, her caregiver. I relay for my father-in-law, my grandpa and my daughters grandpa. I relay for Shirley, the pastors wife, who has survived breast cancer. I relay for my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law and my dad and my aunt, who have all lost someone to this disease. I relay for my kids and my husband so they may never hear the words cancer.

Relay is so much more than walking a track. It's more that donations and fundraising.  It's not someone standing in their pain. Its a community of compassion and understanding . It's someone who has been there and can help you and hold you up. I hugged people whose pain I can comprehend. I listened to survivors share their stories and I cried with those who lost.

It was amazing to see my friend and a new friend stand together as survivors and be shown survivors who have made it 10, 20, 30 and even 37 years. There is hope. Have faith. Believe.

I love Relay For Life. I love all that it does. All that it means. I love meeting people and hearing their stories. But I look forward to a day when we no longer have to relay. When we can get together and celebrate birthdays without moments of silence for those lost.

I relay because its what God wants me to do and who am I to argue with God.

Foot Fault

I hurt my foot. I hurt my foot the day before Easter. It still isn't better. I have been to the doctor. I have iced, elevated, wrapped and babied it. I got a shot in the top of my foot and for a few days it seemed to feel better. But it isn't and I am frustrated. Maybe not the best word. I am irritated, depressed blah freaking blah. I want to scream. Foot injuries are no joke. I can't seem to do shit. And that is what is going to end up sending me over the edge.

I swear a lot lately. I am cranky and I want nothing more than to beat the crap out of someone. The kids are on summer vacation and my daughter is off her meds. Guess who has thought about becoming an alcoholic?! I am deciding to find a healthy place to put that frustration. I have been back at the gym for a week or so now. I am also going to start taking zumba. ZUMBA! I just really like the way the word sounds. ZOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMBA! And in this corner, the work out with the Latin name that makes you shake your ass, welcome ZUMBA!!! It sounds like a little car or a vacuum cleaner. Zumba. Like an exotic fruit that someone suggested you try. Zumba.And yes I am going to be trying it.

In the past two weeks I have picked almost 40 pounds of strawberries. I am going tomorrow to pick more, but I don't think I am actually getting any for me. I think I am going to get some for my mom and call it a day. I need to make more jam. But that takes time and I am full of excuses. Ya know what screw that. Tomorrow night after ZUMBA I am going to make jam. Ha now I said it. Now I have to do it.

My son is at camp. I miss him like crazy. Wish me luck getting through the week. Tonight is night 2 and I am ready to drive up there and hug him and love him and kiss him and call him George. But I know that I can't. This is important. I know he is alright. But I miss ya Bud. Kisses

Well prayer and then bed.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for my amazing dad and my wonderful husband. Thank You for pushing me to get back here to this blog. I know you were leading me. I felt the gentle nudge. In Your name we pray. Amen

What is this?

I know it is weird, but this is a blog post! I know we don't see them often. They are lurking in the  recesses of my mind. Playing little games and then running off and hiding when I go looking for them. But I caught one and here it is. Todays blog post

I started using Nike Running and I am trying to figure out how to share this with you. I hate that I can't figure out newer technology. So I will ask Becky and maybe I can connect it next week. The point of course is I am moving more. It is showing. I lost two pounds this week! YAY me. But I did something else this week too. I cleaned out my fridge, my cabinets and pantry. I got rid of so much stuff it is stupid. My kitchen is naked lol. But that's ok because there is a lot less temptation in there.

I have been working out hard. Last week I was working out, pushing myself. Doing things I hadn't done before and it was so hard, but friends were pushing me and I started to cry. I cried because it was hard, but mostly because I was embarrassed at the lack of strength, my fat, my weakness. I cried because I was ashamed. So I had a small pity party and I got up and  did it again. I will  never be the person I want to be if I let the pain and discomfort stop me. Just have to keep on keeping on, even if it make me cry.

I had 2 sick kids this week. Lex was home Monday with a soar throat, fever. blah, blah. Took her to the Dr. it was NOT strep. She went to school Tuesday and was home sick Wednesday. I was proud of the fact she went to school Tuesday because there was a really big Biology test and she didn't want to miss it. Thursday Austin got sent home from school sick. Damn flu. The whole shebang. Fever, vomiting, sleeping, body ache. headache and whine. 2 days of this. Oi. I have a sore throat and don't feel so awesome, but I am not going to tell them. So Shh!

The weather has been beautiful. I worked in the yard the past two days. I love yard work. It is so nice to see something nice come from the hard work. Now if I just  felt that way about housework. I HATE housework.

Well I am going to go do laundry. Boo! And vacuum, Boo. Someone save me.

Time for a prayer. Dear God thank You for today. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for the sun on my skin and the  wind through  the clothes line and the muscles to make a difference in my yard. God, please be with those who are struggling. Please be with my sister and guide her, she needs You and loves You and knows You are there. In Your name we pray. Amen

From the Top!

I  know I have been horrible here. Instead of being honest with myself and everyone else I have been hiding myself in a hole of pity and self loathing. I want a pity party but I  know it will do no good. I have been here before but I have a new weapon. This time I am dealing with a family over haul. Its not me against three it is 4 standing tall. I am working with my kids and my husband this time. We have been talking and figuring it out. Here is my plan

1. grains, whole grains to be exact. no more white bread. no more white pasta. no more white rice.
     I am watching my barbs, fats, protein and sugar.

2. portion control. I dusted off the food scale and put it to use in the kitchen for dinner.
     I weighed my pasta. I weighed my sausage and peppers and onion and garlic. 
     A friend  of mine texted me a pic of portion control sizes. I will be forced to look at it when I eat. 
     Grr

3. accountability. everyday I am going  to sharing my food journal with a few other people.
     I can't hide my food anymore. 
     my friends and  my family can look at it and say, really? a pop tart or something like that

4. CARDIO! just walking the dog for 30 minutes a day with Lex is the first step.
     I will continue to work out at the gym. I will actually increase my exercise regimen.

5. busy time. getting away from the computer and t.v.
     Today I helped out at the Lions Club pancake breakfast.
     I only planned to eat and leave my kid to volunteer with scouts. I bused tables for 4 hours.
     exhausting

Well I am a tired Tina and it is time to get off of here and go read a book.

Time for a prayer and then out of here.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the friends who are  there to hold me up and love me. Please help me to continue on a healthy road. I know with You I can do anything.

In your  name we pray. Amen

Pig Headed Mule

I don't listen well. Never have, probably never will. It's not that I think myself superior, I just think that I know better. Ha Ha. I amuse myself. The person I feel I know better than at this point, and  today proved me wrong, is the E.R. doctor. When she told me my foot was not broke but it was sprained and that I needed to stay off of it for 2 to 4 weeks I didn't listen. It has been a week and a day. For the past 3 days I have hobbled around the house and went out on my crutches so I  wasn't on the foot to long. I have been feeling irritated by my lack of "strength" to push on. Since my foot isn't in a cast just bandaged I feel like  it is not as bad as it seems. Today I found out I was wrong.

My first mistake was flip flops. I only planned to trim the grape vines and do a little weeding, so I didn't figure I would need good shoes. In the end I was shoveling rock. I just told myself to put pressure on the other foot and I would be fine. Wrong again. It is 10 p.m. and my foot is killing me. I am a pig-headed fool. I want so badly to be able to do my work-outs, get my miles in and work hard that I haven't been letting myself truly get better. What angers me and saddens me is that tomorrow I know I will go to the gym. I wont be able to do much. I will stretch and do Pilate's before I hobble home, but I will go.

Thursday is the first weigh in and I need to do this. I will make it work. I am determined to win this contest. I will transform myself. By the end of the summer I will be a runner. The thing that is  killing me right now is the fact I cant go out and run in the woods. I cant even walk in the woods. All day outside my heart was saying, RUN! RUN! RUN! My head and my foot, and my family, said NO! NO! NO! I wanted to feel my heart quicken. I wanted the feel of the wind in my face. I wanted to feel like a winner, a competitor, a fighter. Instead I feel like a bench warmer and a people watcher.

I know it will be better in no time if I just behave. I hate behaving.


Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for the warm sun on my skin, for the soft breeze in my hair and the pain in my foot. Amen

Celebrity Fit Club

The gym is doing "Celebrity Fit Club", the competition formerly known as Biggest Loser. You pick a celeb. I am thinking Sarah Rue.. I love her. She was so comfortable with her body when she was heavy. She was very confident, but since she lost the weight she has become even more confident. I think she is beautiful and talented. So my Celeb is going to be Sarah. Now I just need to get the mind set.

I have been having issues lately with food and  prayer. Prayer mostly since gram died. I have been  angry and I have been denying that I am angry with God and myself. But I have to take a step back and put everything in perspective. It's hard to do. Eating and blaming are so much easier that accepting and working hard.

Even now I am trying  to find excuses and reasons and I am looking internally for a fight. I am always looking for a fight. My defenses are up and I am ready to yell at anyone. Dave usually ends up being the one I rip into. I know this and I need to stop. I am catching myself more often, but I am still using him as a verbal punching bag. So hold on a sec. There is something I need to do.

I had my head in my hands and my eyes closed, I was praying. Dave looked over and asked if I was ok. While we pray at dinner, we don't normally sit down and just pray. So seeing someone in that position makes you wonder if they are ok. I don't want it to be that way anymore. I want prayer to be something that is common here.

So we swing back around to the celeb fit club. It starts on April 1. I am also working on my 5k's! I have one this Saturday. The Egg-celent  5K. I figure two birds one stone. I am going to improve my 5K time and lose some weight! I  want to be happy and healthy. I want to do 5K's and not feel like I am dying. I want to feel good in my pants. I want my boobs to not fly up and slap me around. I want to be healthy. And I will. Just you wait and see.

Time for a prayer

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for  loving me and accepting me even when I am angry with you. Thank You for the time I had with  my Grandma and for giving me the chance to know such a spectacular woman like her. Thank You for helping me to see my way back to you. Please help me in the hours, days and months ahead while I work to change my life. Please be with those who are suffering. Hold those close to you who are grieving. Hold those up who need your support. Please be with my Uncle Marlin as he struggles with his own health. I love You and I am sorry for  turning from You. In Your name I pray. Amen

Out of Nowhere

My grandma had a ceramics shop in her basement. She made Christmas villages that were so beautiful. There were houses and businesses, people playing and sledding, old bridges for the horse drawn buggy to go over, trees galore and a church. The church sticks with me. It was so beautiful. It was snow white with gold detailing. The windows were open and a light was set inside. It looked very much like the church I attended as a child. Sometimes I would close  my eyes and imagine the people in there. I could hear the bell ringing in the steeple and hear Christmas carols being sung. She was a fan of putting wind up music boxes in things. It is one of my favorite Christmas decoration pieces, that church.

She made other wonderful things down there too. She made dolls prettier then any you could find in the stores. She made chess sets and mugs, beer steins, plates, platters, bears, toys and more knick knack items then you could shake a stick at. I have boxes of them in my garage. All waiting to be painted and fired. She wanted to teach me, but I thought I knew. I was wrong. I haven't the slightest idea what to do with any of it. So it sits.

When we were kids she would take us down there and let us pick a piece to paint. We had to clean them, scrapping away the little ridges and dusting all the powder off. We painted and glazed and fired. As a matter of fact in the little door of my desk I  have a black cat and a cat with an orange moon behind it. Those were the things I made with pride when I would go down to grandmas basement.

When grandma got sick she started giving away all  her ceramic stuff. I didn't know if I wanted it. I always figured there would be time. But there's not, it's gone and so is she and I will never get the chance to  ask her how it all works. I wont be able to show her what I've done, like I did so often as a kid.

She made these ornaments. Every year was something different. She made them for her church, for Thrivent, for our church and she would make special ones for those who passed away. I have one she made when her mother passed away. She made them for Poppy and Grandpa Kelly and she even made one for Tim. I have all of them. I found Poppy's today when I was cleaning out the garage. I stood there and I looked at it and cried. Who makes the ornament for her now?

bad blogger

I haven't been such  a great blogger  lately. My heart and my head aren't in it. I have a lot to say and I feel a million different  ways every day. But it is hard for me to oput it down. Everything is so raw and I cry all the time. Just the thought of her,  the mention of her name or the loneliness that comes when I realize she is gone, send me on a crying jag that tears me apart. I know that it gets better. I know the immediate sting of loss goes away and that one day I will think of her and it wont hurt anymore. But I am not there.

My grandma was an avid reader. One of her favorite stories was that by the time she was 12 she had read all the books in the kids portion of her public library. The librarian allowed her to go upstairs and get The Count of Monte Cristo. So my sister is on a mission. Gram would have been 80 this year. So she is collecting 80 books to donate to that library. And since that is going so well she is collecting another 80 for a different library. I have amazing sisters.

I think I am going to go lay down. I will try this again later

It's been four days

It's been four days since she died. It might as well have been a life time ago. But it has only been four days. The last time she had really "lived" had been a month before that. The last time she was able to move about on her own, feed herself, talk and laugh without difficulty was a month. They say the last thing to go is the hearing. I believe it. Because even as she was laying there, not moving, not talking, not smiling, she knew we were talking about her. My Aunt Di was telling a little story and my Grandma Kelly's eye brows would jut up at certain spots. Almost as in response. She knew we were talking about her. That's how I knew she heard me say good-bye the last time. She didn't have to say anything or hug me back or laugh or smile, I knew from her eye brow that she was saying good bye.

It has been four days since she died. The earth has not stopped spinning. The air is still cold and there is still snow on the ground. It is warm in my house and there is no lack of oxygen to breath, but I can't get warm, I am always cold inside and it feels like sandbags of sorrow are preventing me from catching my breath.The weight of sadness far surpasses my own weight and it has engulfed me and hangs from me. It's a second skin.

It's been four days since she died. Only four. I know I must give myself time to grieve. My heart is broken and I must allow myself time to heal. But it feels like a lifetime ago. Wednesday night feels like it was a million nights ago. I feel like screaming why does it still hurt so damn much? Why do I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to grieve? Maybe because I have been grieving her for so long. Maybe because I think I knew it was coming, I should have been more prepared. I should have known. I should have had my grieving done and I should be celebrating her life, I should be living, I should be ok. But I'm not. I'm grieving. I'm broken.

It has been four days since she died. Every night my son comes to me and he is crying or hurting, tonight he is sick. Grief manifests itself in many ways. My daughter wants to be left alone. She will come to me for a moment or two, but she wants to be left alone in her pain. I don't know what I want to do. I want to clean the house because Grandmas house was always clean. But when I get up to clean I feel like a zombie. I move slowly through the house accomplishing something but nothing all at once. Some moments I want to have people around, I don't want to be alone, I need human interaction. I need to feel something. But as I am in those moments I realize I don't think I feel anything at all. Then I realize what I am doing and what is happening and I cry, like I am now. I want a hot bath, in a tub I can fit in (I'm fat, grief doesn't change that). I want a book and tea and silence.

It has been four days since she died. In four days  I have put on 2 pounds. I don't even realize I am eating half the time. I find out when I am covered in crumbs or my hands in the box or I don't care to stop.

My grandma would not like this behavior. She under stood grief. She understood pain, but she didn't let it get the best of her. She would let me grieve but remind me that I am living and that I have to continue doing that.

Passion

I started this blog and erased it because I was complaining and I don't think that is a good way to go about things. I am trying to put things into perspective and it can be difficult at times. But sometimes it needs to be done. Here I am whining about little things while someone I love very dearly woke up this morning and didn't know where she was at. Someone I grew up with is watching his 2 year-old lose his hair while he battles medical issues I can't even begin to comprehend. I have a headache. That's all. I have to remember to be grateful.

I am on day 4 of a 7 day cleanse. I have lost weight but the official weigh in isn't until Monday so I can say for sure how much yet. As of today I have lost a total of 4 pounds in the past 4 weeks. Slow and steady wins the race. One pound after another. I know some weeks it may be more and some weeks it may be less, but I am happy for any loss I can get.

While I have been doing this cleanse I have begun to realize how much crap I eat and how bad I snack. OMG I have been ticking away the times I would have gone and gotten a snack. And , AND the middle of the night snacking. I have been praying at night for wisdom. That's it just wisdom. And when I wake up in the middle of the night to let the dogs out or to go to the bathroom I remind myself that I don't need food, that it is just a mind trick, a craving, a residual haunt if you will. It is something to fill the time and my stomach. But I don't need it. I don't need a handful or three of peanuts. I don't need a tortilla shell slathered in butter. I don't need peanut butter or a cookie or anything else. If I need anything it is a swig of water and maybe an ibuprofen and then back to bed. I have been learning this again. I know I have talked about this but it is something I forget and often.

Valentines Day is right around the corner and I have been trying to decide what to get the kids. Dave and I don't get each other anything. Dave calls it a Hallmark Holiday. So more than likely Becky and I will be each others Valentine's and go out to lunch. So I think for Valentines I and going to forgo the chocolates and candies. I am getting them each a small gift and I am cooking us all a nice dinner. Something we all like. I have to think about it for a bit. I want it to be healthy. We need to start thinking about our hearts again.

Some how I became the team captain for the Relay for Life team at Anytime Fitness. I am really excited about this. A few years ago I had nothing in life I was passionate about. I was an average parent, friend, wife, person. But now I am finding things that make me want to work harder. Things I want to accomplish and be a part of. I am honored to be a leader with my sons scout troop. I found this Relay for Life thing to be a blessing in disguise. I know I am not the best employee but I do love my job. I just wish my body loved it too. (Sorry Becket and Vickory)I have started losing weight and I am proud of myself. I have found hope and pride in my life. I don't want to lose that.

Well I am going to pray and then enjoy the rest of my night.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for the chance to live another day as your child. Thank You for loving me. Today God I pray for wisdom. Not just for myself but for many. For the doctors and nurses who care for people like my grandma and my uncle and little Noah. I pray for wisdom for those whose serve our country. I pray for wisdom for myself so that I can make the right decisions for my family and for my life so that I might live a life that is Christian. In Your name I pray.
Amen
                                                                                                                                                

3 Stone

I lost 3 pounds this week. YAY ME! It is not official til Monday but I don't want to wait to talk about it til then. I LOST 3 pounds. I LOST three pounds. OK I feel a little better. Actually, I am happy dancing. See this week I did eat out a lot but I made sure that i made wise choices. I had a lot of broccoli this week along with peppers, red and green, and lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber and sprouts. Broiled chicken and steak. My steak was the size of a deck of cards. Today Dave and I went to Ryan's (Don't tell the kids) I started with a salad, a nice big salad. Oh that's another thing. When I have my salads I have the dressing on the side and dip my fork on the dressing before I dig into my greens. Lesson learned from my Weight Watchers days.

I have also been pretty faithful about my gym routine. Twenty minutes on the spinner, do my circuit and then twenty more minutes on the spinner. In, out and over in under an hour. It makes me feel fantastic. I admit I am much better about going to the gym when Becky is with me, but I love to go when she is there. We laugh, we push each other and we make it count. I think that is the best work out.

I really do have so much to blog about but I have been out of cymbalta for 3 days and I finally got some. Well when I don't have my meds, that one in particular, I start to feel like someone is electrocuting me. I don't know if you were like me as a kid and you stuck the 9 volt battery to your tongue to get the little jolt, I know dumb, but it kind of feels like that. So the thought process I was having is kind of zapped out of existence. My train of thought, spider, squirrel, vampire, what? Yeah it is like that.

So more than likely I will have a mid week blog. But I was really excited about the 3 pounds. Crap I just realized 3 Stone makes no sense. But if it makes no sense go back to last weeks blog and read that and it will make sense.

Dear God, Thank You for today. Thank You for reminders as to why I need my meds. Thank You for loving me and excepting me for all my short falls. I have a lot more but it hurts to think.
In Your name we pray. Amen

F'n Fitting Rooms!

I hate fitting rooms. The bright florescent light the bare white walls the pants that for all rights and purposes should fit but don't. I hate fitting rooms. I hate the to small space, when I hit my wenis (skin on your elbow) on the pegs that hang off the wall for you to hang your stuff on. I hate their little benches and painfully patterned carpet. I hate fitting rooms. Even my husband hates them, he hates that he doesn't fit in them and he doesn't go into them all that often. Truth of the matter is I hate the truth behind the fitting room door.

I know I am obese. Have known for a while. But when I was trying on pants the other day I remembered how much I hate them. I have a size 20 pants at home that fit enough. So I tried a 20 at the store. Couldn't get them over my ass. I tried a size 22 and I couldn't button them. The one pair of 24's they had left buttoned and zipped but I felt like a mushroom in Mario Brothers. How? I know different cuts and crap. But when I try on several different cuts and nothing works that is a problem.

I was getting all upset in there. I was ready to cry. I was ready to throw things and be angry. But it wasn't the pants fault. It wasn't the mirror or the size of the fitting room it was the Long John Silvers that I had for lunch and the pizza I had for dinner the night before. It was the water I haven't been drinking and the gym membership I haven't been so faithful with. Its the lies I justify and the truths I try to hide. I am no different than a year ago. I just know more, and I choose not to use it.

I could sit here and blame everything else in my life, but why? I am not even going to give an excuse/reason here. I am just going to tell it as it is. I put the pants back on the hangers. I fixed my hair and put my jacket back on. I held my head up when I walked out of the fitting room. When Becky looked at me to see if I was happy I shook my head. She knew in a second what it was. If it was Dave or my kids or anyone else in the world I might have let it go there. But as Becky and I walked out of the store I told her the truth. She didn't criticize me, or laugh at me. She said me too. We walked away talking. The days we had missed at the gym and so on and so forth and we knew that we needed one another.

I have this great glass jar on my desk that says pounds lost. In another jar there are rocks that Becky and I collected from the beach. That jar says poundage. There are 25 in there. Not one has moved. This week I plan to see one make it from poundage to lost.

Short prayer and then off to spend time logging my food.

Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank you for the moments I get to spend with my family. I know that these are the moments that are going to stay with me and my kids for the rest of my life. Thank You for loving me, for making me Your own. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin and the son of a friend from long ago, Noah Galloy, who is waiting for a bone marrow transplant. God please be with us all in our times of need. In Your name we pray. Amen

What a Week

I worked out Monday through Friday. I drank lots of water and I wrote down everything I ate. I gained :(.  I am sad about this and OK about it at the same time.  I am sad because I feel like I have accomplished nothing. I mean seriously I was sweating through all of my workouts. Becky is a slave driver! ( I love her for it) PLUS I had physical therapy 3 days last week. I think they are coming up with new ways to do squats to see if I can make it through them. And I did. The best thing about Physical Therapy is the electro-stim and then leaving lol. I was a beast all week. And that is why I am OK with it.

Dave asked me if some of my issues might be because I went through early menopause. (I had a complete hysterectomy 7 years ago) From the information I have been gathering it might be an issue. I don't take hormone replacement therapy. I LOATHE iron supplements. I am not a great person at remembering to take vitamins. But I am thinking that maybe it would be the boost I need. So I am looking on-line at different menopause supplement's and shaking my head going what the hell? 1000mg of this root and 60IU of that and this and that for memory (ha ha I forgot what they were called.) In the end it is just head scratching and frustrating. I want a pill that says on the box, "Menopause sucks, we are here to help. We can make it so you don't want to kill your children and you don't want to strip in public because you are having a hot flask. We can help control bingo wing and you won't have as many chins as in the Chinese phone book. Your sex drive will be like your 25 again and you will have the energy to get out of bed and wear your big girl panties. You will probably wear the same color shoes to work and you will smile with out having to fake it." I know it is a lot to put on a box and a lot to ask for from a supplements, but damn it I want it all. I am not going to say that weight will never be a problem for me, but I would like to be able to snack and work it off. I mean I can eat a 100 cal. special K protein bar and then when I work out burn 300 calories and still not work off that protein bar. I want a metabolism that is faster than my one legged Uncle Earl. ( OK, I don't have a one legged Uncle Earl, but if I did he would be slow!)

SO  I will continue to work out and I will continue to do research and I might try a bottle of black cohosh, ginko biloba, soy, 10 special ingredients for women's health. Until I find the magic combinations I will just keep on keepin on.

Time for a prayer so I can go back to hanging out with the hubs and kids.

Dear God, Thank You for today! Thank You for loving me and listening when I am angry. Thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for last night when I wanted to go to the kitchen and snack at 2 a.m. I don't think I could have walked away without You. Thank You for my husband and kids. Please help me to reach my weight loss goals. Keep me strong and smart. Please God, be with my Grandma Kelly and Uncle Marlin. Please be the guiding hand in all that we do, in Your name we pray. Amen

My Life as a Hypocrite

So my husband told me I am a hypocrite. I was astounded at first. How dare he. But he was right, I AM a hypocrite. He told me when we were talking about the insanity that is my house. I can talk til I am blue in the face. I can yell til I don't like the sound of my own voice, but I can't seem to get them to keep the house picked up. It's a constant, pick up your clothes or put away your (insert object that has been sitting out since I told them the same thing the day before.) But as I look around I realize I still haven't put away my clothes, my bedroom is a mess and I can never find my phone, keys, purse or coat. I am the leader of the pack. I can't  expect them to do something I am not willing to do myself. Here is where I whine. I don't wanna clean up. I hate house work. It is overwhelming and annoying and I have to much junk... whine, whine, whine, bitch, moan, complain. It's funny because I clean for a living. But there is a difference, it is other people stuff. I don't have to worry about throwing things away. I dust, I vacuum, I wipe things down and I mop. I don't look at it and say where is this supposed to go. What is the sentimental value of this. Blah Blah.

Now being a hypocrite doesn't end there. I am a food hypocrite and a work out hypocrite. I have no problem looking at someone and thinking "Damn! They could miss a meal or ten." Then I go and I look in a mirror and think "Damn! I could miss a meal or two." or my favorite, "It's water weight!" How much water do I think I am holding, a pool? I tell my kids one pop a day its not good for you and I am on my third. Or I tell them that's enough and then go back and get something else for myself. I am a midnight eater, a drama snacker and a boredom muncher. So how can I look at my daughter and tell her not to do the same. I have been known to look at a particular couple at the gym and say wow they haven't changed a bit. Well truth be known, either have I! I am still the same fatty that walked in there a year ago. I have lost and found the same weight. I have however lost a few inches. But I am still a hypocrite.

I talk bad about myself in front of the kids. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I hate my hair. I am so negative about myself. So what are they taking from all this? I think it is an interesting question and I am going to pay attention and see what answers I come up with. But I am also going to try every day to not be such a hypocrite. I am going to try to correct myself when I am negative and think about what I am teaching the kids. I am no better than my kids. I am not above them. The best way to teach them is by example. So here goes.

Here is a little prayer to get us on our way. I hope every one has a blessed week.

Dear God, Thank You for today. I am sincerely grateful for the time I get to have with my family. I am blessed to be Your child. Thank You Father for loving me and guiding me. I am profoundly grateful for the time that You have given us to celebrate our traditions. I ask that You continue to bless us and watch over us. Please be with my Grandma Kelly and my Uncle Marlin as they continue their health battles. In Your name we pray. Amen